luna97 Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 Whenever my boyfriend gets upset with me over something, he will send me a text that he knows will upset me, usually telling me not to text or call him, then he will ignore me for the rest of the day. I don't always text him back when he says this, but when I do I just ask him why he is upset. He spends a whole day being mad at me and I have no clue why he's even mad. Then usually the next day he will be lovey dovey, say sorry, and finally tell me why he was mad when I ask. 9 times out of 10 the thing he was upset over was a total misunderstanding on his part. One time he was mad because I went into work early, and he worries that I am talking to other guys at work (he was cheated on in the past so I can't totally blame him, but I was literally just getting extra hours. I would never be with two people at once).* I've explained to him that I need him to at least tell me why he's upset when this happens. When he upsets me I tell him why I'm upset right away, especially if he asks.* How can I better the communication in our relationship? These small "fights" are happening more and more often now. I really don't want to lose him, when this isn't happening we are so happy together
Buddhist Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 You can't get your boyfriend to do anything. All you can ever do in relationships is observe who and what he is being. And to my eyes he is being a stroppy little kid and playing emotional manipulation games. Next time he sends you some incendiary text designed to get attention and then follows it up with the silent treatment, pay it no attention. Delete it, and when when calls to apologise for his manipulation of you don't accept his apology. Instead point out to him that's being a stroppy little kid and having a tantrum over nothing instead of communicating like an adult. Don't expect your relationship to last long after that but in the end being in a relationship with a stroppy little kid isn't much fun anyway. 6
Author luna97 Posted June 7, 2016 Author Posted June 7, 2016 How old is he? He sounds extremely immature. He is 44 years old.
Buddhist Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 He is 44 years old. Good Lord! This is a MAJOR red flag. Get out now. I could expect this from an 18-22yr old man. 44? No way. He's totally without self awareness or any kind of maturity. By this age most people have sorted this kind of behaviour out. The ones who haven't are NOT worth being in relationships with. Everyone has been cheated on in relationships. There are no exceptions I'm aware of. Some people choose to heal and don't bring that baggage to their next relationship. He is choosing to use it as a way to be inappropriately controlling of you (being suspicious because you are going to work? Come on...) and to emotionally punish you. These are terrible indicators in relationships. 11
TheBathWater Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 Sounds like he uses withdrawal as a defense mechanism to guard against anger and anxiety. You will not change him; he must do so out of his own volition. Is he in therapy? I think he could benefit from talking to someone instead of pulling away. Maybe if he practices talking with a professional he can translate that more into his relationship with you. 1
basil67 Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 Yes, you can address it by telling him that this method of communicating is unacceptable. Tell him that if he's got an issue, he needs to address it like an adult or forget the whole deal. I know it sounds harsh, but he's doing this because a) you let him and b) you take him back with open arms. And yes, you can totally blame him for thinking that you were cheating while you were actually working. You are not his ex and it's unacceptable of him to take out his issues on you. Sweetie, you need some boundaries with this guy. 3
basil67 Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 He's 44? I thought you were going to tell me he was 20. A 20 year old may do this because they are yet to learn acceptable ways to manage their issues. But a 44yo? He's doing it because he thinks it's perfectly acceptable. And you can't get someone to change what they think is acceptable behaviour. 4
Zapbasket Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 I agree with Buddhist. For a middle-aged man to act this way means in his entire span of adult life, he has failed to accumulate the kind of self-awareness it takes to maintain a healthy relationship. We all enter adulthood with some internalized bad patterns that we gleaned from our families and broader social milieu, and so when we're younger, we can forgive one another and help one another learn better patterns--and most importantly, we can each help ourselves to become more fully realized versions of ourselves. When you see a 44-year-old man acting this way, you have to ask, "Why hasn't he learned better by now?" And INVARIABLY it's due to some fundamental lack in himself. Even in the case of someone who was severely abused and never witnessed something different, by the time they're 44 they're so damaged that dating them would be a Project. They need therapeutic intervention on a large scale to get to where they can break the patterns they learned; this is NOT something a dating partner can provide. Don't date a project. Date a 44-year-old who actually has evolved into a man. Personally, I'd end this now because it's NOT going to get better. 4
katiegrl Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 Whenever my boyfriend gets upset with me over something, he will send me a text that he knows will upset me, usually telling me not to text or call him, then he will ignore me for the rest of the day. I don't always text him back when he says this, but when I do I just ask him why he is upset. He spends a whole day being mad at me and I have no clue why he's even mad. Then usually the next day he will be lovey dovey, say sorry, and finally tell me why he was mad when I ask. 9 times out of 10 the thing he was upset over was a total misunderstanding on his part. One time he was mad because I went into work early, and he worries that I am talking to other guys at work (he was cheated on in the past so I can't totally blame him, but I was literally just getting extra hours. I would never be with two people at once).* I've explained to him that I need him to at least tell me why he's upset when this happens. When he upsets me I tell him why I'm upset right away, especially if he asks.* How can I better the communication in our relationship? These small "fights" are happening more and more often now. I really don't want to lose him, when this isn't happening we are so happy together My first bf used to do this when we first starting dating but we were early 20s! Not that it should matter, it's manipulating nevertheless. But here is an example of what he did, all because of his OWN insecurities. One night I was visiting my mom in the hospital. I had my cell phone in my purse so couldn't here it when it rang BF tried calling and when I didn't answer, he imagined that I was out with another guy, and the next day ignored me all day, wouldn't talk to me. Essentially punishing me... all because of something he imagined I was doing based on his own insecurity. I didn't tolerate and told him he was being ridiculous... I was with my MOM for heaven't sake and to grow up, it pissed me off. Once he felt more secure in the RL, he stopped doing it, but yeah it was super annoying and if he hadn't stopped, it would have eventually been a dealbreaker for me. 1
SugarLips72 Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 Good God he's 44? That's my age. He sounds like a childish high schooler who plays games. Has he ever had a serious relationship before? This man is 44 and plays these ridiculous games should be a huge red flag that you 2 are not compatible. He needs to grow up. 1
thelastunicorn Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 He has the conflict resolution skills of a 16 year old girl in her first "serious" relationship. I personally wouldn't put up with it and can't find a person that behaves that way attractive. This would be enough for me to move on to the next one but if you really want to give it a shot then I would try to have a mature conversation about it that started off by saying that I cared about him and I want this relationship to work. However, I don't see that going over well since I'm sure it will be hard for him to accept that he is doing anything wrong because he's bad at dealing with conflict and communicating. Also, if you're not aware of your own conflict resolution and communication styles this would be a great opportunity to learn about yourself and what styles you're probably more compatible with. 1
Popsicle Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 I don't see anything wrong with this. Some people need time to process and/or cool off, and that is much better than communicating when you're upset and liable to say something hurtful. I'd leave him alone during this time and wait until the time is right to talk about it.
Gaeta Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 OP: how old are you? I don't know any mature woman that would put up with that type of crap from a middle-aged man. This is high school drama. How long have you been dating? Not long because in March you were single. 2
Gaeta Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 I don't see anything wrong with this. Some people need time to process and/or cool off, and that is much better than communicating when you're upset and liable to say something hurtful. I'd leave him alone during this time and wait until the time is right to talk about it. The issue is not that he needed a day to cool off, the issue is just because she went to work early he accused her of cheating and created a whole day of drama over something he imagined. 4
katiegrl Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 Yes, you can address it by telling him that this method of communicating is unacceptable. Tell him that if he's got an issue, he needs to address it like an adult or forget the whole deal. I know it sounds harsh, but he's doing this because a) you let him and b) you take him back with open arms. And yes, you can totally blame him for thinking that you were cheating while you were actually working. You are not his ex and it's unacceptable of him to take out his issues on you. Sweetie, you need some boundaries with this guy. ^^ I missed this earlier but yes yes yes. Do this. When my first bf did it, I did this exact thing (see earlier post) I got angry tho which I wouldn't recommend, but definitely be assertive. My bf got the message and knocked that shyt off. Popsicle, waiting until you cool down is fine under normal circumstances. This is not a normal circumstance. He is punishing her by ignoring her for something he is essentially imagining in his own head. His anger is not based in anything she did, but what he *thinks* she did due to his own insecurities. That is effed up no matter how you look at it. 1
kendahke Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 (edited) He is 44 years old. Oh hell no. Like others, I thought you were going to say you both were in your late teens, early 20's. By the age of 44, he should have learned long ago to open his mouth and tell you what the problem is. That is what adults do. Could this trait be the reason why his last girlfriend cheated on him to get away from him? Not saying she was right, but I can see why she'd do it. He plays manipulation games and thinks it's OK. The reason why he's so pressed about you talking to guys at work is because you're going to see that other men aren't as immature and emotionally stunted like he is, not because you would cheat on him. He doesn't want to be "found out" by you comparing his behavior to other men. Next time he does this, block his number and stop dealing with him. If he wants to play this game, let him play it by himself. There is not enough love in the world to make this either right or cute. Edited June 7, 2016 by kendahke 2
Emilia Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 I don't know how you can be happy OP when this is happening more and more (as you said in your first post). I agree with the others, he is 44 and he appears to lack self-awareness and the will to try to build a healthy relationship. It actually takes an effort to act as a responsible adult and it seems he isn't willing. It is very childish for someone to push their unresolved issues onto someone by raising the same issue over and over again hoping that the other person will take responsibility for it to go away. It's like a baby throwing their toys out of the pram then screaming until you throw them back in again.
SugarLips72 Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 You don't see anything wrong with him acting like a child at 44 years old? I don't see anything wrong with this. Some people need time to process and/or cool off, and that is much better than communicating when you're upset and liable to say something hurtful. I'd leave him alone during this time and wait until the time is right to talk about it. 1
Author luna97 Posted June 7, 2016 Author Posted June 7, 2016 OP: how old are you? I don't know any mature woman that would put up with that type of crap from a middle-aged man. This is high school drama. How long have you been dating? Not long because in March you were single. I am 19. Weve been together for 3 months in a week and this is my first relationship. (And before anyone brings this up, no he doesn't have money, in all honesty we 'accidentally' grew feelings for each other, both he and I never imagined that happening before) I am definitely considering ending this if he keeps acting childish, but as I hope you guys understand, it's not so easy especially to have to let go of my first. I guess I'm just really hoping a serious conversation can go well, despite the odds being against my favor. However, I really do value everyone's advice and opinions.
Larryville Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 how can I get my boyfriend to communicate better? You don’t ever. Communication is a learned behavior and I will repeat what I said in another thread, a person’s relationship role models is a great predictor of how he or she will behave in a relationship. How that individuals interacts with their friends, co-workers (if you got to know them), family especially siblings and how two people engage when nobody else if around are important to absorb. He's totally without self awareness or any kind of maturity… Why EQ is an important as IQ. But frankly the fact that you tolerate it says more about you than him.
ChickiePops Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 I am 19. Weve been together for 3 months in a week and this is my first relationship. (And before anyone brings this up, no he doesn't have money, in all honesty we 'accidentally' grew feelings for each other, both he and I never imagined that happening before) I am definitely considering ending this if he keeps acting childish, but as I hope you guys understand, it's not so easy especially to have to let go of my first. I guess I'm just really hoping a serious conversation can go well, despite the odds being against my favor. However, I really do value everyone's advice and opinions. Trying...so...hard...not to judge...the age difference... Of course it's tough to give up your first..but as you say, the odds are DEFINITELY not in your favor on this one. You know what though? I think everyone needs to experience a broken heart at least once. It'll toughen you up for later. He is behaving very immaturely..HOWEVER..some people do need their space after a fight. If he, instead of texting you that ridiculousness, just said, hey, I need some time to recuperate..can I have some space? I see nothing wrong with that.
Gaeta Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 I am 19. Weve been together for 3 months in a week and this is my first relationship. (And before anyone brings this up, no he doesn't have money, in all honesty we 'accidentally' grew feelings for each other, both he and I never imagined that happening before) I am definitely considering ending this if he keeps acting childish, but as I hope you guys understand, it's not so easy especially to have to let go of my first. I guess I'm just really hoping a serious conversation can go well, despite the odds being against my favor. However, I really do value everyone's advice and opinions. Sweetie, that is not the way a healthy relationship is suppose to be. A boyfriend is not suppose to be this controlling and manipulative. I would never want my daughter to date someone like him. I would not want her to experience her first love with such an emotionally immature controlling man. There is a reason why he is dating you at 19. He is dating you because women his age would NEVER ever put up with his crap. Only a young inexperience woman like you would stick around. There is no changing him, no fixing this. Please don't accept this bad treatment. He will break your spirit and you'll suffer from it the rest of your life.
preraph Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 He's trying to get you to come beggin in order to assuage his irrational feelings of jealousy. Manipulative.
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