Apologize or let go?

[Breakupblues]

Hello people,

 

I could use a little bit of help from you all.

 

It's been more than a year since I lost the woman I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. I am still having waaay more trouble dealing with losing her than I would like. I've dated a lot in my lifetime and have seen relationships end before. I never experienced a loss like this though. It just seems to stay in my system.

 

I was not perfect while dating her, and neither was she. The difference was that I always wanted to fight through the issues, while she was looking to avoid them and run away. I believed we could have worked on things, especially since we discussed marriage and having children. I do NOT have those type of talks with just anybody and I imagine neither did she.

 

I did something very stupid by lying to her about something that I felt wasn't a big deal. I guessed it to be a smart idea at the time. There's no infidelity in play here as I was very committed to making the relationship work. We did have a lot of small issues and conflict here and there that I figured I could prevent by lying to her about these particular things. I really regret it now, and I don't know what I was thinking in that moment.

 

At the same time, I'd personally rank this lie probably as a 3 on a scale of 5. From my perspective it was definitely something we could have worked our way through and trust could have been restored. I definitely understand that's easy for me to say and I shouldn't project my own responses on the actions and opinions of others. I DEFINITELY know I hurt this girl a lot just by nature of who she is, and I feel terrible about it. I have certainly learned my lesson...

 

Dating this woman was far from easy. I sense that she may be a bit bipolar or borderline, which was a struggle to deal with for me. We got into the weirdest arguments about silly stuff, and there was this constant worry on my side that she'd end things with me. Not because she didn't love me, but because she couldn't handle our arguments.

 

I'm thinking about sending the email below, but I am really not sure if it's a good idea. I'm very conflicted. We had an extremely rough breakup, where she literally crushed my feelings in what I perceived to be an unfair manner, but I am also pretty sure she was hurting as well.

 

So I am not sure what to do now. She is a very sensitive person, and also in general a bit scared to take initiative. It was always me that came to her about issues, and I'd say she has a very submissive personality. At least in the relationship dynamic but not with others.

 

Should I apologize (again) after a year, or should I just leave things be? I hate to think she's still suffering because of what I did, but I also don't want to stir up things for her.

 

I don't know if she will appreciate the apology, or if it will cause her more pain. Maybe I am also imagining things, and she just doesn't want to hear from me, at all. That's a possibility too. I also have to be honest, I still have very deep feelings for her.

 

Any opinions and suggestions? I would really appreciate it!

 

Hello XYZ,

 

Now time has passed, I'd like to share with you a few things.

 

I feel like by ignoring you I am pretending and making it seem that I'm indifferent about everything that happened between us. It also gives the illusion that our relationship never mattered and that I'm not fully acknowledging my mistakes and role in its demise. Neither is the case, especially since I know that what happened between us and how I wronged you, had a profoundly big impact on you. I broke your trust in me and made you feel that our relationship wasn't important by lying to you. I am still very sorry for that. I have no idea how you deal with heartache and how it affects you at the more deeper level and over the long term. Therefore, it's impossible for me to not wonder how you're doing. Despite how you may feel, I do care about you deeply.

 

You said that me apologizing and telling you that I love you after what happened was cruel. You probably didn't believe me then, but I wasn't trying to be. I wanted the same things you wanted and those things were precious to me as well. I was trying to hold on to them and to you. I should have respected your space to deal with things the way you wanted to including the boundaries, instead of trying to make you communicate with me. I had lost the privilege to impose myself.

 

Anyway, I hope you are doing good and once again, I really am sorry for ever hurting you. It's not what I wanted or intended to do.

 

I'd love to talk with her again, but she's blocked me everywhere. I definitely do NOT want to interfere with her peace if this email would not help her deal/feel better. I recognize her pain and the role I played in that and I just want to let her know that. During our ending, she was just very difficult to read because her emotions were so all over the place. So now I am confused. I also miss her a whole lot.

[sorano]

If it's been a year, just let it be. If it's meant to be she will come back to you.

 

My ex was also bi polar I think. She was also one of those alpha female. Get mad easily and pick stupid fights. Even though I miss her and I am still struggling, I know deep down inside I would not be happy in the long run.

 

 

Sometimes it s better that it ends sooner than later on. Divorce, with kids and unhappy years.

 

I too, thought I was going to get married to my ex. She took me to go see rings you name it. If you do a search you will see my story. I went above and beyond and got canned. IMO, just let it go and try to heal. I know it's painful. Lots of us are going through it.

[privategal]

My vote is to let it go.

But you know her best.

If you truly feel she is still suffering and a year wasnt long enough to heal and made peace with it all, then maybe send it.

I dont know though...its not all on you and mistakes and issues are mutual.

Maybe the blocks everywhere are what really hurts when your style is to have closure.

I think you are just a nice guy and want to right the wrong but she could have also reached out...she made mistakes also.

Id think its the past but can make a case for either way...leaning toward, forgive yourself and stay nc and enjoy your summer and maybe leave the past behind.

[Breakupblues]

Hey Sorano,

 

Thanks for the reply. I am generally a fighter. I think people should always take responsibility for what they do. So "leaving things be" if there's a person I love still out there hurt, is difficult for me to accept. There may still be mess for me to clean up, so to speak.

 

I'd not say my ex is an alpha female. She's more docile and VERY submissive in a relationship. She's super sensitive. Yes, that has its negatives but I also found a lot of positives that I could associate with her kind of personality.

 

I am new to this site. Can you put a link here where I can find and read about your story? Thanks!

[basil67]

I'm sorry you're still hurting. However, if she's blocked you on all media, it means that you doesn't want to hear from you - even if it's an apology.

 

Reading your post, it does sound like ending the relationship was the right thing to do. You say that the two of you fought over silly stuff. But people don't waste energy having fights over things they find silly. You may have thought that the stuff was silly, but odds on, she felt it was important. Not only that, but you finding it silly would have just rubbed even more salt in her wounds.

 

I think perhaps that you don't realise the wisdom in walking away from a relationship which has many conflicts and issues. You may be a fighter and want to struggle to save the relationship, but wouldn't it be smarter to find someone who you blend with easily?

 

When people talk about relationships being work, well there's work and there's WORK. A good relationship needs tending like a well planned garden. Choose the right plants for the environment, keep it fertilized, watered and pull the weeds up. It's all you've got to do. Whereas a bad relationship is more like trying to grow light loving plants in a dark corner. It's continual work and stuff keeps dying anyway.

[Satu]

By blocking you, she has unambiguously demonstrated that she doesn't want to be in communication with you.

 

Respect that.

 

If you feel the need for forgiveness, forgive yourself.

 

 

Take care.

[Breakupblues]

Hey privategal and basil,

 

Thanks for the input. See that's the thing. I know this woman inside and out, at least, that's what I thought until our final fallout.

 

She does NOT deal with crisis and trauma very well. She had a pretty rough childhood with a mother that was addicted to drugs and abandoned her. I also sense that she'd been emotionally and mentally scarred in previous relationships. Her nature is to run away from things that cause her pain and shut down. I think a lot of those issues she had before I met her, were also introduced into OUR relationship.

 

I don't think I can be anybody's savior or anything, but this has definitely kept bothering me. Especially because I can in all honesty say that my intentions in this relationship were pure and good. I was 100% committed to this woman.

 

Instead being the genius that I am, I now find myself concerned if I have ended up compounding any of the emotional and psychological issues that she's already dealing with.

 

I don't mind the blocks btw. I can easily reach her by email and I know that she would read them ,despite saying she wouldn't. The blocking can also mean anything. Like I said, I know her pretty well and when we were together she would also block me if we had issues or conflict. She would do that, because shw couldn't face the particular problem that we would have.

 

Like I said, she has a very poor way of dealing with things and I think a lot of it has to do with her past.

 

I think you make a good point Basil. Relationships should take effort, but should never be HARD work. There should be a healthy amount of peace there between people.

 

I am leaning towards not sending, unless I find or learn about a compelling argument why I should in the next week or so....:/

 

Once again, thanks guys. I really appreciate it.

[sparkle222]

Tricky one. On the one hand I really resent my ex not having apologised for stuff he did or lies he told. I often wish he'd reach out and acknowledge his role in causing me hurt and genuinely realising it was wrong and he made a mistake. He's never done that.

 

But if I have to hear the words "I still care about you" from an ex it makes me want to wring a kitchen towel round and round or something. I don't want to hear that you care about me about 50pc as much as you used to. It comes off as patronising and entitled and flippant.

 

Idk if I contacted my ex id expect an apology (hence y I don't contact him haha) but tbh I'm not sure id want a letter saying "hey still not interested in you but acknowledge now I was a bit of a jerk and want to feel better about myself by apologising a year later for it " (that's how my mind would read it)

[Breakupblues]

Hey Sparkle,

 

Thanks for sharing your story. So you think it would be better if I take out the care part? I'll keep in mind because I think you may be right. It's not my intention to patronize or come across like she's some sort of little girl that I am going to save with my magic words...lol

[Breakupblues]

Oh bt, Sparkle,

I don't only care about this woman, I also actually still love her. I just don't think that would be very smart to put in this apology email. Perhaps a bit overwhelming and too much for this kind of email.

[Breakupblues]

Satu,

 

Thank you for the input. I understand what you mean, but "blocking" with her can just as easily mean something totally different. I am not just saying that, but because this was actually an issue in our relationship. She told me ver batim that she actaully appreciates if I reach out to her in a compassionate, kind and sweet, way to make up with her when that happens.

 

I've also forgiven myself a long time ago. I am only human, and I know I didn't mean no harm. That doesn't, however, negate the fact there may be a loved one out there, who's still dealing with this. That's basically my big conundrum.

[Satu]

snip

 

*I don't mind the blocks btw. I can easily reach her by email and I know that she would read them ,despite saying she wouldn't. **The blocking can also mean anything. Like I said, I know her pretty well and when we were together she would also block me if we had issues or conflict. She would do that, because shw couldn't face the particular problem that we would have.

 

 

*She has blocked you for a reason. For a reason that makes sense to her, even if it doesn't make sense to you, even if you don't know what that reason might be.

 

What gives you the right to override that decision?

 

 

**The blocking means one very clear and definite thing:

 

She doesn't want any communication from you.

 

What gives you the right to override that decision?

 

 

She's set her boundary, and you are exactly where she wants you to be, on the outside of her life, unseen and unheard.

 

You should respect that.

[Breakupblues]

Satu, I think you make a very good and valid point. I am actually leaning towards taking this approach.

 

My issue is this, however. I'm concerned this is not an issue of what "right" I may or may not have. An analogy would be, that you'd see somebody that you care about driving off a cliff. We don't ask whether or not we have the "right" to stop that person from driving towards certain death. Sometimes, you have to help people when they are in the process of destroying themselves.

 

**The blocking means one very clear and definite thing:

 

She doesn't want any communication from you.

 

My point is exactly that in HER case, it actually may NOT mean a clear and definite thing. I have 3 years of experience dating her. Her blocking me, has happened literally dozens of times. My experience based on her OWN words is that it can actually be an invitation to reach out to her. I'm not basing this on what I want, personally, It's she's told me. Herself.

[basil67]

My point is exactly that in HER case, it actually may NOT mean a clear and definite thing. I have 3 years of experience dating her. Her blocking me, has happened literally dozens of times. My experience based on her OWN words is that it can actually be an invitation to reach out to her. I'm not basing this on what I want, personally, It's she's told me. Herself.

 

Did this happen while your relationship was on? Or during previous breakups and getting back together.

 

I'd also caution you that if you know her as well as you think you do, you wouldn't be broken up right now.

[Breakupblues]

Hey Basil,

 

This would happen while the relationship was on. We were never on and off. So yes, that's a big difference now that we're no longer together and it is also why I have not contacted her after our final big fallout.

 

You're absolutely right. The final fallout made me realize that the relationship may just not be meant to be and that I may not know her as well as I thought I did. I didn't see any ways that we could fix what was broken anymore.

[Satu]

Satu, I think you make a very good and valid point. I am actually leaning towards taking this approach.

 

My issue is this, however. I'm concerned this is not an issue of what "right" I may or may not have. An analogy would be, that you'd see somebody that you care about driving off a cliff. We don't ask whether or not we have the "right" to stop that person from driving towards certain death. Sometimes, you have to help people when they are in the process of destroying themselves.

 

**The blocking means one very clear and definite thing:

 

She doesn't want any communication from you.

 

My point is exactly that *in HER case, it actually may NOT mean a clear and definite thing. I have 3 years of experience dating her. Her blocking me, has happened literally dozens of times. My experience based on her OWN words is that it can actually be an invitation to reach out to her. I'm not basing this on what I want, personally, It's she's told me. Herself.

 

*Sorry, but I don't buy this at all.

 

What you are saying is this:

 

"She said no, but she really means yes."

 

"Don't communicate with me," really means, "communicate with me."

 

Do you not realise how obtuse that kind of thinking is, and where it leads?

 

You might think you have a deep understanding of her psyche, but "no" still means no.

 

Use your best judgment and do what you think best.

 

I've said my piece.

 

 

Take care.

[Breakupblues]

Hey Satu,

 

This is the internet and I have no reason to make this up when I am trying to get good advice from people such as yourself. I definitely understand why all of this may seem weird to you. It was weird for me as well, while we were dating. Nevertheless, this is exactly what happened.

 

As it now stands, I think I will follow your advice though. It's not that I think we have a future anyway. It will definitely always feel like I am not owning up to something that I consider to fall under my responsibility.

[Satu]

Hey Satu,

 

This is the internet and I have no reason to make this up when I am trying to get good advice from people such as yourself. I definitely understand why all of this may seem weird to you. It was weird for me as well, while we were dating. Nevertheless, this is exactly what happened.

 

As it now stands, I think I will follow your advice though. It's not that I think we have a future anyway. It will definitely always feel like I am not owning up to something that I consider to fall under my responsibility.

 

I apologise for using the term 'obtuse' in my post.

 

It was inappropriate.

 

 

Take care.

Edited June 7, 2016 by Satu

[sorano]

I understand your a fighter. so am I. I fell madly in love with my girl. I will briefly explain my story.

 

The first time I met my ex, it was love at first site. Your typical sexy italian girl. Dark thick hair, gorgeous eyes, beautiful smile and lips. she smiled and my heart melted. That moment when we met still plays over and over in my head. At times, I cry thinking about it. we had picnics on the beach at night, I set up some romantic dates, you name it, I did it. No other man would have done that.

 

We dated. Got to know each other. Had little arguements but thats part of getting to know each other. Nothing major. But, I was the kinder one. I was the one that would go above and beyond. she told me she had a bad past. Guys cheated on her, one guy hit her, etc. she told me she didnt like the title girl friend bc it brought her to a bad past in her life. Meeting her family was a big thing and her friends. I had to really work hard and prove myself to her.

 

I finally broke her walls down. she told me one night over dinner, I am so glad I went through those mean guys that treated me like crap because they brought me to you. she wrote me love letters, little notes and would put them in my lunch bag for work. she finally said yes to being my girl friend. I met her family, they all loved me, met her friends and went to family functions. I did it I said!!! I won!!!

 

Months go by. we had the holidays, my back went out so I wasn't happy go lucky or able to do much. sure as ****, right at this time, she said we stopped doing things. we are not moving forward. so I told her, where the hell do you want to go? we had christmas eve, christmas, new years eve and new years day and I cannot walk. Two weeks your going to have a heart attack? I said we had a blast with our families and everything was ok. You told me yourself. she went from hot to cold in two weeks. I saw no signs of anything being bad.

 

so after we cleared that up I told her, I said now I want to say something. I said, I honestly feel that my feelings are more than how you feel about me. You say mean things at times and it hurts me. when I said that, she flipped out. Took a few weeks off from not seeing me, we texted and she said its going to be ok.

 

we were supposed to go on a date, she picked me up, drove half a mile, and parked the car. she dumped me right there. She just left me and I walked home. she blocked me and never spoke to me ever again.

 

This was just the brief story. so I know how you feel about fighting for the person you love. I fought and fought for her. I told her everything will be ok. we are a team. But, she chose to leave, not work things out, block me and leave the team. If you gave it your all, you did your job as a man or woman and its not good enough, he or she is not worth your time or to fight for. I fought man. But she just gave up.

 

Keep in mind, she took ME to go see wedding rings. she told ME about having a family and kids. she told HER family how lucky she was bc I was in her life. You know what she said at the end? It was all a fantasy. A lie. she said people say things at that moment but they can change. Im italian. Im old school and was raised differently. also, I hung out with certain people in brooklyn and queens, that if you didnt show respect, you will have problems. If you dont have anything honest to say, nice to say, or talk ****, just stfu and keep your mouth closed. My word is my word and when I say something, I dont take it back. she lied to ME, MY FAMILY, AND MY FRIENDS. she talked all this game, then said she was living in a fantasy and smiled!!! Heartless beast. Antichrist and a low life piece of MERDA.

 

she also said I was too nice. she didnt know how to handle men nicer than her. Ok, so go back to the guy that beat you. Go back to the guy that cheated on you. IMO, women LOVE men like that. They go back. when they find a nice guy, they don't know how to react. No other man will treat her how I did. I said, good luck finding another man like me. yes, I am cocky like that because I know what I have to offer. I know how kind my soul is and she would have a family that would back her up in anything. My family.

 

Maybe your story is different than mine. But from my experience, if I wasn't good enough, and she let me go and blocked me, then its over. I fought and fought. But not anymore. The past is the past and nothing new will come of it. It will be the same story all over again. I wish you luck. You sound like a good guy.

 

I am not perfect. I am sure I did things that were bad as well and led her to leave me. But, I am a man and I stayed. I stayed because I loved her. I would never do anything to harm her. But, because of how she handled things, I do NOT wish her well

Edited June 7, 2016 by sorano

[Breakupblues]

Hey, no worries and no offense taken. I appreciate the input.

 

I am well aware that many parts of my story will sound "weird" to outsiders when they hear them.

 

Our relationship honestly made me feel on top of the world and her as well. I'm 100% sure of that. I have no doubt, this was the biggest heartbreak for her, and definitely for me as well.

 

But at the same time, we had the craziest and silliest issues. She threatened to break up with me, for calling her a smart ass once, and would block me because I did, instead of discussing or talking about it.

 

She was also hurt that I didn't want to have babies with her one month into the relationship, for example. We literally argued about that for more than 7 months after, where it would come up as an issue.

 

I think the one big thing where I really messed up, aside from lying, was that she didn't feel I was taking enough initiative and put forth the effort in the beginning of the relationship. I stepped up later once the relationship matured and after she brought this to my attention, but I think she always held a certain level of resentment as a result from that.

 

There's definitely more context to everything here, but there were just certain things that were extremely hard for me to deal with. I can be pretty straightforward and confrontational so I am sure things weren't a cakewalk for her either.

 

I really wanted the relationship to work though. I'd say I am more rational and logical, where she is the emotional and sensible type. What I loved about her was her sweetness, how she was able to nourish my own emotional side, and how she could bring me in touch with it. I usually date alpha females that can throw back whatever I dish out, but she was the complete opposite. Delicate. At least with me. I felt that she was making me a better person and complemented me well.

 

I think some of the things we dealt with can be attributed to her past and insecurities resulting from that past. In hindsight, none of that was ever an excuse for lying of course, and I still hate that I actually did or felt that I had to. My lies weren't to deceive, however. I lied to avoid conflict I thought wasn't worth it. My reasons and intentions for lying, however, don't really matter. It's all about how those lies are interpreted and how they make the other person feel.

 

What I hate now, is worrying about how she will deal with the aftermath of our breakup in the long term and on a deeper level. I love the woman sure, but I can eventually move on and give that a place if she doesn't want to be with me. It sucks, but it will eventually happen.

 

It's just much tougher to wonder how what I did will actually affect her. Not just now, but also later on down the line.I am just really sorry for THAT part, and if an apology could help prevent any damage or pain down the line, I'd happily offer one. I'm just not sure if it will...

[Breakupblues]

Wow Sorano,

 

Thank you for telling your story and I am sorry that happened to you. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. Although our stories are different, there are also similarities.

 

My ex turned vindictive and cruel towards the end as well. Completely different from how she was in the beginning of the relationship, but at that time I was already so in love, I would have practically done everything to make her happy and to keep her. Unfortunately for me, that also included lying....During the final fallout, she made me feel worthless and devalued me like nobody else ever done before and it was coming from somebody I loved. At that point, there was just no turning back, despite how I felt about her or where it was coming from. At that point, I had to go into self preservation mode.

 

I do think you should wish her well and forgive her. I have learned a long time ago, that people that treat other people badly, are dealing with issues themselves. Don't let whatever she said or did to you make you think any less of yourself, but at the same time you should also be your own biggest critic.

[bathtub-row]

I say sent the email to her. What can it hurt? It's very well written and heartfelt.

 

I will say this, though. No matter how much you want things to work out with her, it probably never will because the relationship was too shaky. I know you can't see it now but it's too unstable to go the long-run. Sometimes, no matter how much we love someone and no matter how perfect things seem, it's just simply not meant to be. I don't know why that is, but it just sometimes works out that way and we're forced to deal with that.

[Breakupblues]

Hey Bathtub,

 

Unfortunately, I have to agree with you. Although I still love this woman, I am sure that what's broken can't be repaired anymore. That goes for the both of us. Damage has been done.

 

Why do you think I should? See, I am not really so sure that it can't hurt.

 

For instance, in the past we discussed her history with her mother. I could easily tell those issues still clearly affect her and linger in the back of her mind. Yet she chooses not to talk with her, reach out to her, or want to communicate with her when her mother now reaches out to discuss the past.

 

She generally bottles up things in an unhealthy manner, she's non-confrontational, and compartmentalizes.

 

We had agreed that I would go with her and be with her for support, when she finally would be ready to see her mom again, but that moment had not arrived yet.

 

So knowing what I know, I have a lot of doubt if I should.

[bathtub-row]

Usually people who bottle things up need people in their lives to be expressive.

 

The relationship was broken before the break-up. You said that you were kind of always waiting for it to fall apart. This is not a good feeling nor is it an ingredient for a stable relationship.

 

The reason I say send the email is because an apology is rarely wrong in my opinion. It also lets her know that you didn't walk away and completely forget about her. Sometimes that alone can be healing. I remember when my husband called me a few weeks after we separated. He told me that he was sorry for the way he treated me. That was over 30 yrs ago. I never forgot that apology.

[Breakupblues]

Thank you for sharing, bathtub. I also appreciate that your comment is coming from a woman's perspective.

 

I really care about this woman a lot, so although she really cut me to the bone with her words in the very end, this isn't a pride or ego issue for me. I know my worth and it isn't defined by what she said. I am very aware that our breakup was very tough on her, though.

 

I also know that even if she actually was sorry for all the things she said, she wouldn't apologize. It's just not in her nature to, due to fear I would reject it or her.