gottentothisstage Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 (edited) I never post online but I am such a lurker looking online for public perception and have found some really useful advice from objective sources, so I thought I might as well be the one to post and ask your opinion on this one. There is a lot of history to our relationship, so bear with me. My ex boyfriend broke up with me after 2 years for the second time a few days ago, after what I thought were a pretty solid 6 or 7 months of rekindling but with the expected ‘readjustment bumps’ and some conflict, here and there. I really thought we were about to embark on the next level of our relationship but sadly not as past resentments could not be let go of and he had repressed mourning of his brother and accompanying depression. I had bits, too. Obviously now thinking about it, what I thought were harmless remarks here and there were probably things he thought were highly critical due to his sensitivity and there were ‘trigger’ words which might have reminded him of how things were in the past. I do believe had there not been those past associations he would have probably not really thought about it. I had wrong judgement at times, clearly, and there were other elements, like PMS’g and general work remorse. Got together, first 3 months, amazing. Honeymoon and all that. He has a lot of female friends and was friends with exes and he was my first proper adult relationship (we are both in our 30s, me mid, him late.) I wasn’t experienced at all and I hadn’t really known a boyfriend to be in such close contact with a lot of ladies, just based my own experiences. I can have a bit of a jealous nature but I didn’t really think about it at the time. He also had a bit of a reputation as a lothario, if you will. Fast car, fast life, younger ladies, bachelor, you get the picture. My last boyfriend died in a car accident that I was also in, in our early 20s, and I had been single for 9 years with a very closed heart. I wasn’t really in touch with the love emotions (there was one guy in that time I liked quite a lot, but nothing like this guy.) Reopening my heart and those emotions caused somewhat of a volcanic eruption and switching and starting different birth controls and everything, so my hormones were all over. I had anxiety issues, minor abandonment issues, my mother died when I was 17 (cancer) with a slow build up to her death, so I guess there has just been a lot of ‘death’ surrounding my life, including my own near death experience in the car crash. I was in hospital for 8 months or so, had to learn to walk again, had about 11 operations, then in a wheelchair for a few months upon my release home. After about a year I was having intense rehab, physio, corrective surgery, seeing a therapist, and walking with crutches. I had an external fixator attached to my leg so I couldn’t really go out and about that much. Put it this way, for like, 3 years, I was in quite a bad way and I was on/off anti depressants but I slowly started to come through all that. Obviously all this stuff can take a toll and when I fell in love, unbeknown to whichever poor fella it would be, it came back up again. He was very supportive and comforting and also in this time there were very ‘normal’ moments and a lot of fun. We had a very intense connection and were like soul mates, he really was my best friend. Anyhow, fast forward a year later. His brother sadly dies from a lifelong condition and I was there being very supportive, at first…but very strangely, and shamefully, I ended up not being very supportive about a month or so later. We moved into a new home, in the middle of anywhere, complete isolation and I don’t drive. We were on top of each other and I would pick fights at times over small things, I should have shut the hell up it was insensitive. After a big row in the car he was like what the heck is wrong with you and it really woke me up. I thought, what is wrong with me? Remorse filled my face. I am so, sorry, I said. Due to the amount of death surrounding my life and coping mechanisms I had built over time, I grew very detached to death and just didn’t respond, normally. That’s the only therapy psychobabble I could think of that made any sense. We had a brief good period, and obviously in this time there were beautiful memories, too. Sometimes people bicker and I think he thought of those as big cases of conflict but they weren’t. He’s the type that can’t take any conflict. So now he is grieving but at a more denial stage now, me forgetting the process of grief I guess he appeared quite normal, so we would go on about doing our things. There were some issues with attractive (much younger) female friends and certain nights that I was funny about but he took that to mean that he could never go out and see anyone and that wasn’t the case. So some of the weekends sat with me all seemed a bit fake to be honest because thinking about it, he probably wanted to go out a lot of the time. I know he felt like walking on eggshells/not being himself and I sincerely feel so bad about that time and realised I must have had some abandonment ‘control’ issues that were projected, but never to the point where I would threaten self harm or anything drastic, it was more self esteem issues and vocalising them, which I guess felt like a form of manipulation, at the time. I have to say, that I became very aware of this and I know a relationship shouldn’t be the platform of self therapy but I ended up learning so much over the course of 2 years and for those 6 or 7 months had not displayed those behaviours. We had evolved. Like I said though, I have a bit of jealous streak so occasionally there may have been words said but he should have been more authoritative at times and just gone and done stuff, it sounds like I held him a prisoner or something cray and I swear that just wasn’t the case. Even if I had, had a moan, I would have gotten over it and a natural flow would have been established. This was as much his wrong doing than it was mine. Even though he was trying to be respectful don’t then bring it up later and make me feel like an idiot. I also have my own friends (not totally dependent) but the commute was far and expensive so I couldn't get out as much. The problem was, we had created such a bad negative and destructive feedback loop in that I wanted more reassurance yet he needed to actually do things, which for normal people would just be normal of course. We knew it was normal, but because of the lack of reassurance I guess him suddenly wanting to go clubbing with hot chicks (using as an example) would make me feel weird and he would feel weird. We basically both managed to f**k up this dynamic. Anyhow, he was working some crazy city job early on after the death of his brother which I knew would be too soon but he needed to do what he needed to do. He’s not a city guy at all, very creative by heart and profession, so that whole corporate world was mind blowing, not in a good way. The commute was far, too. I was all cooped up in the house isolated and everything just came to a head and he threw me out the house. By this point I wasn’t even sure what we were rowing about but I felt like he had gotten to the anger stage of grief, we had lost ourselves, and it was the end of ‘us’. We got back together a month later. I probably rushed it but I missed him so much and he said he loves me so much and was going to wait for a bit longer, but okay, why not. He seemed happy. He’s the type of guy who’s very much a loner and needs a lot of space. I should have honoured his requests more back then. Now thinking about it and knowing what he’s like, who knows, maybe things could have been saved but he would go ahead with things, suggest things himself, so I just kind of took it for what it was and he was happy. I had emotional drama I brought into the relationship and of course he had his own grief. We were also very poor at communicating. The next 6 months were really lovely. There were some bits of conflict but to be honest I think he wanted out a long time ago. I know he stuck around but even after small fights he would threaten breaking up, before any deaths or house moves or anything. He has issues from his childhood too which he himself has said he needs a **** load of therapy for, as well as commitment issues which I am pretty confident he still has. He didn’t want to live with someone for a long time (told me 4 years initially), wants to be on his own, I don’t know. I know he did these things but it almost feels like he’s been indifferent the whole time. That a lot of the time has been faked/not natural, can’t explain it. We really were I love, though. It came out in a row, on what was such a special day for me (I thought for us) and I’ll remember forever, that he had only asked me to live with him just to ‘help me out’ financially and it was always ever a ‘trial’. He was also the type of guy who didn’t really believe in ‘dates’ and going out in town was just for his friends and couples can stay home. When he did do something it was always mainly locally based and he would see it as a massive gesture. I was appreciative of course and I could really see, especially mid way into the 6 months, how sweet he was being and attentive, things felt great. He was a good boyfriend to me and I guess at times he felt I would take him for granted or that he didn’t do enough. No one is perfect, I made mistakes, we are human. I am so hurt right now because it also feels like I, myself, sort of never really had a friend. I feel a bit, betrayed. I don’t know if that’s overdramatic. He used my past against me so much, would say things like who would put up with your ****, jeez how insecure are you (when I asked why he wasn’t introducing me as his girlfriend in public-that took a while) and just general, you’re crazy this and that. It was hurtful because my past was hurtful and I confided so much to whom I thought was my friend, too. I don’t want you to reading this thinking wow she sounds crazy and just sounds like a relationship of troublesome times, there was so much good, believe me, but sadly life events beyond anyone’s control got in the way and moves to the middle of nowhere, we had our fair share of disturbances as well as our own. We both had issues. Anyway, he dumped me again and it really did come from out the blue (literally just saying I was amazing a few days prior) to me so I have to take him at his word that this time it really is to do with his depression and grief and he can’t think of anything other than healing. At the end of the day though, no matter how you want to sugar coat it, he doesn’t want me and is letting me go. Two people who know what it’s like to love and lose you would think would hold on tighter but he isn’t. We had a such a special few months but honestly the emotional mind games he played (depression/grief though) and taking small things I would say out of context and use that to start fights himself. He said before that he was punishing me and he hadn’t realised it and was sorry. How he could not forgive me for not being supportive at those times. He would say he understood based on my past and can see the changes, but then turn it around. I have always taken responsibility for my wrong doings. Week to week it felt different. I honestly don’t believe I predominantly started what he saw as big fights in these last 6 months, I think we just caused such a bad cycle and I sometimes thought he only wants to see what he wants to see and that’s me as bad and him, alone. It’s a horrible feeling knowing that someone wasn’t really ‘there’ those times and were just ‘trying’ to see if you could be together and he had checked out a while ago. I don’t want to sound selfish, trust me, I know he has grief, of course he won’t fully be there!! I am just confused. He needs this space now and I didn’t put up any fight. I care about his well-being and I hope he gets better soon. I am just sad. I really did and still do love him. It's like hey we are great and then shut out cold. He came around to do the deed in person then left me dangling all week, refusing to speak to me on the phone so I left it alone, and then confirmed via an email just weeks before a very long awaited holiday. He said he had depression and needs to fix himself. He has always had one foot out the door the moment he stepped in it, on top of all of this grief. I replied back and now it’s NC and I’m just trying to get on with things. The worst part is, I’m living with someone who’s very closely associated with him and they see each other on weekends. To get over someone I just need to be away from all that association so I am looking for other accommodation as this is just, horrible. He said if we both get therapy maybe we will meet each other again and reignite or we will eventually let each other go. I don’t really know what he means but I am not interested in any false hope. I obviously care about his depression and this is why I am so conflicted because obviously that friend part in me, which has shown nothing but proper support for ages now is like hey I am here hope you’re ok, but I couldn’t bring myself to say those words exactly, I feel bad. I just kind of signed off saying I would get therapy too and maybe you’ll remember what a loyal girlfriend I was and I obviously care you’re depressed and I really hope you get help and not just think now that one problem is gone, it’s okay. I think in his heart though, he knows he can always come to me. He compartmentalises a lot so I do worry he won’t get help, but with his friends and family supporting him, I am sure he will. I don’t even know why I am writing or what for, perhaps just an outlet for anyone who wants to read such a long thread lol, but I guess objective opinions on this whole thing, does it sound like it’s saveable? I know you don’t us personally. I obviously didn’t want to break up and he said he loves me so much as he was doing it. I have never loved someone so much and I miss him terribly. He has to do what he has to do and there’s nothing I can do about that. I obviously wish him well and this is heart breaking. Relationship grief really is, grief, it’s all the same. The thing is, when they are dead you know you have nothing you can do but accept that, when they’re still around orbiting the earth, meeting another lady one day (eek) and all that, it’s so hard. I miss talking to, who I thought, was my best friend every day. He said he wants a break up (not space/break) and he might get the perspective to see what went wrong and how, but I fear after this he might just sadly associate me with a very bad time in his life and he won’t reconnect. Thanks for reading Edited June 6, 2016 by gottentothisstage
fixing Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 wow. That is a very harrowing read. You have been through sooo much pain and trauma in your life thus far. And, now to be stuck heart broken. You do sound very lonely. I am so sorry you are feeling this low. Honestly, it sounds like you both have a serious amount of emotional suffering going on outside of the relationship. Which, inevetibly will lead to conflict between the two of you. From your descriptions of him though, he does sound quite dysfunctional in the way he would seemingly tell you its ok, he understands, then to pull the rug under you. That is very damaging and sounds alot like emotional abuse tbh. But, as it stands, I think you really should stick with NC. There is nothing you can do to change a persons mind. Finding new accomadation is a must. Maybe, just maybe, you are compatible, but certainly not right now. It does seem that you both need a good bit of time away from eachother. Could you see a counselor? I think you have so much pain inside you from the past. I hope you have a good support network of family/friends right now. Keep posting here too. This is a tremendous support network.
Author gottentothisstage Posted June 7, 2016 Author Posted June 7, 2016 Thanks a lot for reading. The thing is i'm pretty strong minded (whatever that means) and when he heard about what happened to me (not bigging myself up) but he said he really admired me. I was sociable, ambitious, care free, had a lot going on when we first met...but then these emotions/my past came back around and it was like he couldn't understand where that strength came from in the first place. I had a breakdown I guess, then got back up again. At the end of the day, he's now going through his own struggle. I was so much better and had been in a long time but he wants to go it alone. I know something had to give but I thought he would just suggest space, not a break up. Yeah I will go to therapy, hope he does, he can really put off things especially if he thinks that a 'problem' (us) has been dealt with. Bit robotic/clinical, sometimes. Yeah i'm not going to get in touch. He's probably surprised I haven't but i'm quite good like that, she says haha. I sent an initial reply to his email, I think he was expecting me begging and saying i'll wait but I just signed off, without resistance. Thanks for reading 1
DevotedBaker54 Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 WOW! You guys have an interesting history. I think it's good you guys are getting therapy. It sounds like you both have problems you need to deal with on your own. The relationship you described sounded like you guys were struggling to make it a healthy relationship and kind of destructive. Maybe this is a good time in your life to really focus on yourself and get yourself to a good spot mentally and emotionally without all the boy drama. Hope things start looking up for you soon
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