Realization of having been gaslighted?

[dave_1966]

In February 2015, my girlfriend of a decade dumped me in the most unpleasant fashion imaginable. I posted here at the time, it wasn't much fun. I've handled and processed that as best as I can, going no contact a year ago and looking after no 1.

 

However, she had a pretty odious friend who was a very competitive sales woman obsessed with money pretty much over everything else. This woman's husband had left her about seven years ago (she's 40) and she literally hadn't had any interest off men since (she's not a looker). It was quite apparent that this woman was pushing my ex to finish with me despite all the courtesy and time I'd given to her issues over the years, but when my girlfriend and myself moved in to a new house in London in 2014 (which I funded) she drove down from the countryside to visit us. It's fair to say that I saw this woman's eyes rolling with £ signs when she saw my place, and I now realise that is where the gaslighting began. Within weeks of getting to the new house my girlfriend was awash with lots of ideas about how the jobs she was doing to the house should translate in to hard cash if she were to leave me and that I should sign a document to that affect. This was despite the arrangement being clearly stated when I bought the place that she would have to do a few things to the house in return for myself having paid all of her living expenses for the last five years. The jobs my ex did to the house were dwarfed in cash terms by the help I'd given her.

 

In the eight or so months we were in the new house my ex said some pretty outrageous things that set my warning radar off, things that her friend had said about our relationship, just unpleasant really. But what was throwing me was that things I remember saying to my ex appeared to change. Small details were altered in things we'd discussed that left me wondering if I was losing my mind in some way. After my ex left, and before she came to get her stuff, I told her that she should only communicate with me via email (I'd really had enough of talking to her). I then started receiving emails that were clearly written by my exes friend, including threats about getting the police involved if I didn't do this or that. Eventually the day came when my ex came to collect her stuff, and after advice off friends and family, I had the police present. Of course, my exes obnoxious friend appears and attempts to get in to my house, and is duly cautioned by the police.

 

I feel I've processed the break-up, but over the last couple of weeks I feel like I've just walked out of a heavy fog. I couldn't put my finger on what I was feeling, but looking up stuff online I believe I was subjected to a 11 month long gaslighting attack by this horrible woman with the connivance of my ex. My mind definitely took a beating from it, it was confusing and left me wondering about my sense of memory and judgement. Has anybody had experience of these techniques before? It's horrible, I feel like my brain has been through a mixer and it's only a year later that I realise what was happening. All this because of a very sad woman's love of money over people. I take pride in the fact I didn't give in to this abuse, or sign anything, or hand over money. I'm just blown away that someone could do this sort of thing, which incidentally only became a criminal offence in the UK in Dec 2015. How do you get yourself back together in terms of trust, relationships, etc when you've been subjected to a psychological attack?

 

All comments will be read with interest.

[Downtown]

It's fair to say that I saw this woman's eyes rolling with £ signs when she saw my place, and I now realise that is where the gaslighting began.

Dave, the term "gaslighting" generally refers to deliberate deception that is intended to harm. This term is taken from the classic 1944 movie, Gaslight, in which a husband (Charles Boyer) tries to drive his new bride (Ingrid Bergman) crazy. His objective is to get her institutionalized in a psych ward so he can run off with her family jewels. The term therefore is used most frequently by abused partners to refer to the deliberately "crazy-making" behavior of narcissists and sociopaths -- both of whom tend to be very manipulating.

 

Unfortunately, the term also is frequently mistakenly used in reference to BPDers who, in my experience, are far too reactive and impulsive to be very good at manipulation (which requires careful planning and flawless execution to be successful). My BPDer exW, for example, is extremely controlling -- in an opportunistic sense. She is far too reactive to whatever intense feeling sweeps over her to be good at scheming and manipulating. This is not to say, however, that she never tried.

 

Whereas narcissists and sociopaths don't believe a word of the outrageous allegations coming out of their mouths, BPDers generally are fully convinced that this nonsense is true. The reason is that, because they are filled with self loathing and shame, their subconscious minds protect their fragile egos from seeing too much of reality. This is accomplished -- entirely at the subconscious level -- by projecting hurtful thoughts and feelings onto the BPDer's partner.

 

The result is that, at a conscious level, the BPDer is convinced the projection is absolutely true. And a week later, when her feelings have flipped 180 degrees, she will be just as convinced that the new projection is true also. Hence, the beauty of projection -- and the reason it is such a wonderful ego defense -- is that it is entirely GUILT FREE because it arises from a thought distortion, not from a lie or deliberate manipulation.

 

I therefore view BPDer behavior as very controlling but -- due to the lack of deliberate manipulation -- as not constituting "gaslighting." That is, BPDers are acting out of fear and, unlike the Charles Boyer character, usually are NOT trying to drive you crazy.

 

My ex said some pretty outrageous things.... Small details were altered in things we'd discussed that left me wondering if I was losing my mind in some way.

If you had been living for 5 years with a woman exhibiting strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), "losing my mind" is exactly how you should have been feeling. Because BPDers are so sincere and genuinely convinced that their absurd projections are true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by the narcissists and sociopaths.

 

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. To a lesser extent, narcissists and sociopaths also have that reputation. Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

 

All comments will be read with interest.

If you're interested in reading, Dave, I suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those red flags sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back or avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her. Finally, as to your exGF's friend "Ellen," I suggest you take a look at the warning signs for NPD (Narcissistic PD). Take care, Dave.

[Satu]

snip

*How do you get yourself back together in terms of trust, relationships, etc when you've been subjected to a psychological attack?

 

All comments will be read with interest.

 

*By trusting and sticking to your own perception of events, and your own narrative of those events.

 

You tell the story in your own voice, and reject anything else.

 

You exhaustively debrief yourself, as many times as you need to.

 

Thats where you start, and you are already doing it.

 

You might want to spend some time in therapy though, because what you went through qualifies as a genuinely traumatic experience, in my opinion.

 

 

Take care.

Edited June 7, 2016 by Satu

[SixxChick]

You tell the story in your own voice, and reject anything else.

 

You exhaustively debrief yourself, as many times as you need to.

 

This piece of advice is a golden nugget. Individuals with a personality disorder almost never accept personal responsibility for their behavior. They blame others, use excuses, claim misunderstandings, and then depict themselves as the victim in the situation. Debrief yourself. It's the only way to put an end to the crazy-making behavior that made you doubt your emotional stability.

[dave_1966]

Brilliant replies, so thank you very much. To clarify matters, I believe it was my exes toxic friend who instigated the gaslighting on me to swindle money out of myself on behalf of my ex. And yes, the toxic friend did show a lot of traits for NPD.

[iServe]

How do you get yourself back together in terms of trust, relationships, etc. when you've been subjected to a psychological attack? Great question. Iv'e heard it said that hindsight is 20/20 vision. If you could have a do over what would you change or do differently? Take some time to honesty look within yourself to see your weaknesses, blind spots, and shortcomings. Don't stay there and beat yourself up, but take away some relational lessons that you can grow and mature with. I recognize that it takes two to tango, so assess your partners contribution to the situation too. For the sake of your own personal freedom, you may need to let some things go (hurts, loss, offenses against you). Now moving forward. There is no escaping or avoiding relationships. Therefore, what are some lessons learned from this negative relationship. It's okay to do your homework, set some boundaries, be best friends, know your limits when it comes to investments. Be respectful and mindful of what you need and expect in a quality relationship. What are the ingredients to a quality relationship? Thanks for sharing and being so real. The best to you moving forward.