Feeling bad about the way she leaves. Thoughts?

June 6, 2016

Ok. So I have been seeing a girl for a few months. She ended up moving 5 hours away. So for most of the time she is at my house and then goes back to her new house when she needs to. She does all the driving.

When she is with me, unfortunately, much of the time is spent on her issues. Her family dynamics. She complains about not feeling good physically etc. she is 30 and a personal trainer.

So, usually she is like "is it ok if I stay until next Friday". I would say "sure".

Then out of nowhere she will say she doesn't feel good. So I went to the store, came back, and she is packing her stuff. 5 days early. And tells me she is leaving right then, as she wants to go see a doctor.

Last week she did the same. Said she had to leave the next morning to get her computer. Then she came back the next day, actually 2 days earlier than she said she would.

So basically this is my question. Is it odd that this bothers me? It is sort of like I am planning on her staying a set amount of time, (as she asks me for this), then she just changes her mind and packs all her things to go without even telling me ahead of time.

June 6, 2016

There is something going on with her and she isn't communicating it with you. She could be suffering from depression and doesn't know how to handle it. You are going to have to confront her about this behavior and take it from there. Maybe she isn't in a good place and a relationship isn't what she need right now.

June 6, 2016

I don't think it's odd that you feel bad. There's an element of being taken for granted in this scenario. It may be that her perceived health issues are bigger than anything else going on, including you which is a bummer. I think the best thing you can do is talk to her and explain how you are feeling and come to some sort of compromise.

In a way, if I am interpreting it correctly, she is treating things as if you were a long established couple with her comings and goings, whereas maybe you are still trying to build the connection. If I were in your shoes, it's a little one sided and taking you for granted to come and go like that. She should dial it down and stick to her commitment of how long she was going to be at your place--then anything AGREED on extra would be a bonus. The key is "agreed on" if she is staying extra and just assumes you will like it/deal with it, that's where the presumptions and taking you for granted come into play and can't feel good. Maybe you have plans for the time she was not going to be there or are in need of some alone time.

As far as her leaving on a whim, on your end perhaps you are getting a sign that there is more to it than just that so you feel disappointed, as if she is not prioritizing you or is dissing you in some way. If you really think she is sick and that's the only thing going on, I think you should cut her a bit of a break--that's a little needy on your side. Some people don't like to be around others when they don't feel good. Needless to say, you should encourage her to get to the root of the sickness. There have been a couple of people in my life who use that as a fall back excuse for a lot of flakey stuff and it's a drag (bottom line they are selfish and non-committal, and will get "energy" when the plans suit them; and often take for granted people they are not afraid are going to move on--maybe that is what you are picking up on). Talk to her and find out some facts from her end and let her know your end. Try to come up with a fair solution. Good luck.

June 6, 2016

There is something going on with her and she isn't communicating it with you. She could be suffering from depression and doesn't know how to handle it. You are going to have to confront her about this behavior and take it from there. Maybe she isn't in a good place and a relationship isn't what she need right now.

Some more details....this is how it has been

3 weeks ago she went a a trip cross country to see her sister for 8 days. She then changed her ticket to come back early to see me after 3 days.

She then says "I want to stay with you until June 12 until I have to be back home". Now with this she also wants to plant a garden, go places with me etc.

After 3 days she says she needs her computer. Soshe drives back home and wants to return in 3 days. She drives back home then comes back the next day instead.

Then once back here she wants to stay until June 12 again. A few days ago she says "I don't feel great. I will go home tomorrow". Then later that day she says she feels good. Then this morning she packed everything while I was gone and told me she is leaving. She said she doesn't want to impose on me while she feels bad. She then texted me I didn't give her a good enough goodbye hug and was sad.

Now in the past month she said she thought she had a hernia. This lasted a week. Then disappeared. Then after her trip she got a yeast infection from swimming. That went away after a week. She went to the spa yesterday and said she felt amazing. Then immediately after that she said she has horrible cramps from her period and slept on the couch. (Last night). Then left this morning.

I don't know if she is a bit of a hypochondriac. If she really is in pain. If these are excuses. It just would seem more "normal" to discuss when she is leaving as opposed to her just telling me she is leaving. If that makes sense

And this time she took all of her things. Usually she leaves most here.

Edited June 6, 2016 by Inthewoods

June 6, 2016

I don't think it's odd that you feel bad. There's an element of being taken for granted in this scenario. It may be that her perceived health issues are bigger than anything else going on, including you which is a bummer. I think the best thing you can do is talk to her and explain how you are feeling and come to some sort of compromise.

In a way, if I am interpreting it correctly, she is treating things as if you were a long established couple with her comings and goings, whereas maybe you are still trying to build the connection. If I were in your shoes, it's a little one sided and taking you for granted to come and go like that. She should dial it down and stick to her commitment of how long she was going to be at your place--then anything AGREED on extra would be a bonus. The key is "agreed on" if she is staying extra and just assumes you will like it/deal with it, that's where the presumptions and taking you for granted come into play and can't feel good. Maybe you have plans for the time she was not going to be there or are in need of some alone time.

As far as her leaving on a whim, on your end perhaps you are getting a sign that there is more to it than just that so you feel disappointed, as if she is not prioritizing you or is dissing you in some way. If you really think she is sick and that's the only thing going on, I think you should cut her a bit of a break--that's a little needy on your side. Some people don't like to be around others when they don't feel good. Needless to say, you should encourage her to get to the root of the sickness. There have been a couple of people in my life who use that as a fall back excuse for a lot of flakey stuff and it's a drag (bottom line they are selfish and non-committal, and will get "energy" when the plans suit them; and often take for granted people they are not afraid are going to move on--maybe that is what you are picking up on). Talk to her and find out some facts from her end and let her know your end. Try to come up with a fair solution. Good luck.

And yes. Good points. It is sort of like she was gung ho 100 percent energy constantly in the beginning, and now "always sick". And it has been her planning our future, saying she loves me, etc etc. now just "leaves" without discussing ahead.

June 6, 2016

She sounds very inconsistent and unreliable... Not someone with whom it will be easy to build a stable relationship. I agree... Something is going on with her - either she is just really inconsiderate and unreliable or she has some bigger problems - I would guess depression or actually, anxiety.

June 6, 2016

I am at a point where I don't want to be "needy" but it also feels odd to unexpectedly just be home, alone, all her things gone and not know when she is coming back...

June 6, 2016

She sounds very inconsistent and unreliable... Not someone with whom it will be easy to build a stable relationship. I agree... Something is going on with her - either she is just really inconsiderate and unreliable or she has some bigger problems - I would guess depression or actually, anxiety.

Yes I agree. Assuming nothing medical seriously or mental is going on with her, she just sounds from what the OP additionally posted like she does LOTS on a whim! She may be more comfortable now with you OP and less in the infatuation side of things where now you are seeing her in her natural habitat, as it were! It may just come down to a basic incompatibility issue--where you prefer stable and she enjoys inconsistency, spontaneity and yeah probably is unreliable to an extent. And yes she sounds a bit hypochrondical (new word!) to me, which doesn't make much sense due to her line of work. Other than there is an overriding thought process she has to be inconsiderate and flighty. I think if you talk about it and come to an agreement but she doesn't uphold her part of it but you do your part, you just might have to let her go. It would be a hard thing to sign up for when it is already making you feel bad.

June 6, 2016

I am at a point where I don't want to be "needy" but it also feels odd to unexpectedly just be home, alone, all her things gone and not know when she is coming back...

Well take it one step at a time and find out what is going on. I hear you that with her things gone it makes you need reassurance. That's because you are jumping to conclusions and interpreting what that means. Obviously, it could mean she is checking out of the relationship but try to keep your thoughts from going there. Just talk to her first. To alleviate feeling odd or bad about it, all you need to do is ask her the question, "when are you coming back?".

I think you might be in the process of figuring out that you likely will get an insufficient or non-committal answer to a question like that because of her whims and the past data that whatever she sets up with you, is not what she adheres to anyway. It all boils down to needing to talk to her and find out her thoughts. You can't be afraid to ask or ignore your own feelings. Just take things one step at a time. I know it can be no fun discovering perhaps you are not compatible with someone that you imagined was perfect for you--but try not to think even that far ahead. Start with the basics. If she doesn't know how you feel, then she can't fix her part of it. She may be willing to; she may not be; she may say she is and not be able to stick with it BUT you are not there yet, UNTIL you talk to her about it.

I don't think you are being unreasonable about it though. I don't think you are on the same page about things (step one, get there). And how it can be perceived is that she is using your place as a hotel with a rotating door and you as a boyfriend is less important. She may also be starting to feel tension since you are not happy about it and that could be why she took her things. The starting point for resolving any of it/all of it is talking to her.

June 7, 2016

Well we talked and things went well. She said she will try to be less abrupt and understands. Etc.

Then things went bad....

The entire reason she told me she was leaving was to see a doctor. She even texted "I wish I could stay. But I have to see a dr and my insurance won't cover it in your state"

So then via text it came out that she feels great, went to get some vodka, and there is no need for a dr. This is all in the same day.

So I sort of felt lied to. From there it just got worse and we stopped talking

June 7, 2016

I would find that pretty irritating and don't think I could cope. You're within your rights to draw a boundary here.That kind of behaviour would drive me bat**** crazy.

Edited June 7, 2016 by Buddhist

June 7, 2016

I wouldn't put up with that either.

June 7, 2016

Well we talked and things went well. She said she will try to be less abrupt and understands. Etc.

Then things went bad....

The entire reason she told me she was leaving was to see a doctor. She even texted "I wish I could stay. But I have to see a dr and my insurance won't cover it in your state"

So then via text it came out that she feels great, went to get some vodka, and there is no need for a dr. This is all in the same day.

So I sort of felt lied to. From there it just got worse and we stopped talking

Hmmm, I don't quite understand the full jist of things. But yeah it just sounds like you are finding out she is not who you hoped she would be or presented herself to be in the first few months. She's sounds flighty. Perhaps it's substance or mental health related, but maybe bottom line she is just scatter brained and does things on a whim which bothers you and would not be a good match.

As I said, she might agree during the talk and then not follow through. I don't know if getting a vodka is "the END" but it sure sounds like more evidence that she is not being responsible and that you guys are not on same page or don't have similar enough values. I just don't think you are compatible. I wouldn't say she's a bad person or mostly at fault (assuming it's not drugs related). She sounds like free-spirited and some people would find the mad-cappedness fun (which is what I think she was trying to convey about going to get a vodka) albeit a tad irresponsible. Whereas (not that you are a bad person either) but you take it as a personal diss that she did not check out her health issue, a lie and that she is not prioritizing the relationship. Maybe she is just being who she is? And ultimately you will find it frustrating and annoying and she will find you stifling and controlling.

I know several couples where there is the scattered dynamic from one or both but it is appreciated and cherished because it's not seen as scattered but more as adorable or something. Those couples are suited well because it works for them. I know several couples where the uptightness and overstructure of things will be suffocating for most people but they love it and appreciate it in each other. You have to find a person where the way they live their life meshes with yours too--sounds like she is just not well-suited and brings up doubt and annoyance in you. Good luck finding someone better for you

June 7, 2016

She either has; a relationship elsewhere, or a possibly drug addiction.

Either way, run.

June 7, 2016

She either has; a relationship elsewhere, or a possibly drug addiction.
Either way, run.[/quote

Might be drugs. I doubt it though as she has spent 6-7 days at my house and it doesn't seem like it.

I called her his morning and she said she will work on leaving less abruptly and suggested she also wants a routine where she is with me most days of the week before she returns to her house. She was then texting me that she misses me a lot etc etc.

I guess something still seems "funny" to me as she left abruptly and seemingly in a bad mood, now all sweet and misses me.

June 7, 2016

No, this is not normal behaviour. She is acting very erratic. Who drives 5 hours back and forth, on a whim, especially when they're not feeling well? It doesn't make sense.

Also, your home is not a hotel where she can just come and go whenever with total disregard for you. How can you possibly even plan anything when you don't know when she'll be there? Not to mention, it seems too early to be spending so much time together after a few months (she wanted to stay with you until June 12th 3 weeks ago? That's basically a whole month living with you).

I think you need establish some boundaries, or better yet, end this relationship.

June 7, 2016

No, this is not normal behaviour. She is acting very erratic. Who drives 5 hours back and forth, on a whim, especially when they're not feeling well? It doesn't make sense.

Also, your home is not a hotel where she can just come and go whenever with total disregard for you. How can you possibly even plan anything when you don't know when she'll be there? Not to mention, it seems too early to be spending so much time together after a few months (she wanted to stay with you until June 12th 3 weeks ago? That's basically a whole month living with you).

I think you need establish some boundaries, or better yet, end this relationship.

Exactly. The way she left the last time still does not sit well. When I left she was asleep. 20 min later she showered and packed all

Of her things. She didn't text me like she usually does. She was just like "oh I am going home. Have to go to the doctor".

She later claimed she just started her period and it looked like a blood clot came out. But then on the way home she had a normal period so it was no worries.

but still. No text to me. No discussion. She was just leaving.

Now she "misses" me and is texting all day. She wants me to visit her this weekend. But I am thinking "when you were here you were "sick" all

Of the time, left early and took all

Of your things.

June 7, 2016

Stop making yourself so available to her. Your place isn't a B&B.

Frankly, she sounds as if she has some serious mental issues. I'd run.

I do see some hypochondria there, FWIW.

June 7, 2016

She either has; a relationship elsewhere, or a possibly drug addiction.
Either way, run.[/quote

Might be drugs. I doubt it though as she has spent 6-7 days at my house and it doesn't seem like it.

I called her his morning and she said she will work on leaving less abruptly and suggested she also wants a routine where she is with me most days of the week before she returns to her house. She was then texting me that she misses me a lot etc etc.

I guess something still seems "funny" to me as she left abruptly and seemingly in a bad mood, now all sweet and misses me.

It shouldn't feel funny>>>>because THAT is the pattern. It's likely just more evidence of erratic behavior.

Though to be fair, if it stabilizes, she has "heard" how you feel and is trying to show you some effort. You wouldn't want her to still be in a bad mood to prove she is not erratic, would you? Or that she "heard" your concerns and is not making an effort?

June 7, 2016

No, this is not normal behaviour. She is acting very erratic. Who drives 5 hours back and forth, on a whim, especially when they're not feeling well? It doesn't make sense.

Also, your home is not a hotel where she can just come and go whenever with total disregard for you. How can you possibly even plan anything when you don't know when she'll be there? Not to mention, it seems too early to be spending so much time together after a few months (she wanted to stay with you until June 12th 3 weeks ago? That's basically a whole month living with you).

I think you need establish some boundaries, or better yet, end this relationship.

I agree with the bolded above wholeheartedly.

Edited June 7, 2016 by Versacehottie
left word out

June 7, 2016

Exactly. The way she left the last time still does not sit well. When I left she was asleep. 20 min later she showered and packed all
Of her things. She didn't text me like she usually does. She was just like "oh I am going home. Have to go to the doctor".

She later claimed she just started her period and it looked like a blood clot came out. But then on the way home she had a normal period so it was no worries.

but still. No text to me. No discussion. She was just leaving.

Now she "misses" me and is texting all day. She wants me to visit her this weekend. But I am thinking "when you were here you were "sick" all
Of the time, left early and took all
Of your things.

TBH, though I'm having a hard time understanding your position. Maybe you are just venting or too "stuck" to make a decision. You sound butthurt and not over it. IMO, you are holding onto stuff. I think you are at the point where you need to decide what you want to do and stop complaining. I think you need to set boundaries if you decide to stay together. I sense some victim-y, needy stuff from you (apologies if it is just bc you are venting). But I think the relationship sounds a little co-dependent (or co-dependent in the making).

Just a note: I've been actually shocked in my life by people who have drug problems when it would not be imagined at all. I only think that's one maybe 20% possibility but never say never.

I'm also surprised that anyone with with a functioning life of their own (business, financial) can disappear from their life 5 hours away and continue to make an income, etc. Also, one reason why I point out the co-dependency or perhaps mental issues is that those also go with someone who is newly in a relationship yet staying for up to 2 weeks at a time at her new bf's. What about the rest of her life?

Bottom line, we can speculate all we want about the reasons "why" she is doing this; and you can continue to stay mad about it BUT the very real fact is that you are at a crossroads now, where you don't really need to know the reasons why or any other information. See how she is this stay, evaluate. It should be a make or break moment for you. I think if you step back you will see that you are incompatible, regardless of her reasons, her addictions or mental instability or issues. That's really all you need to evaluate at this point. I think you already know the answer but are still trapped in when it was so good. Speaks to a manic person and you got caught up in that initial phase. Good luck

June 7, 2016

Sorry but something is very wrong with this one.

Drugs, nuts, another bf, who knows.

Has she ever asked for money? The comment about insurance makes me wary...

June 8, 2016

Sorry but something is very wrong with this one.
Drugs, nuts, another bf, who knows.
Has she ever asked for money? The comment about insurance makes me wary...

Well it's the opposite. I make good money but she pays for everything. She inherited a large estate.

And my conflict was basically "am I being needy or is it just "wrong" to leave without asking or discussing.

I mean basically all I would want it "hey I am sick. I think I would rather go home and be alone tomorrow"

June 8, 2016

Well it's the opposite. I make good money but she pays for everything. She inherited a large estate.

And it sounds like she's going to blow through it in a heartbeat.

If you have any thoughts of something long term with this one, you might want to check your financial compatibility. What's she got going to fall back on?

It does help explain the manic, 'do as I please' attitude. For now.

June 8, 2016

My guess would be drugs, alcoholism, or mental illness. This erratic behavior is 100% not normal and not ok.

I would ditch this one and move on.

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Feeling bad about the way she leaves. Thoughts?

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