Zahara Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 I don't feel any healing. My friends practically forced me to date saying it's the best way to move on as you meet better people.. It's been 2 months since your ending, after a 3 year relationship. It's going to take longer than 60 days to heal. In fact, all this is still very fresh. Dating isn't the best way to move on. You're likely to make bad choices because you're looking at dating as a way to fill a void that your ex left. You're looking for a guy to heal your wounds. Your radar is off because your heart and mind is clouded. By far the least healthy way to move on. 1
Zahara Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 it was a year long relationship Sorry, typo. It doesn't matter. 60 days is nothing. Don't go looking for a substitute to make your pains go away. It would be in your best interest to learn how to focus inward and learn how to heal on your own. 2
Giggles666 Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 //Do ex boyfriends ever feel regret?// Yes, men and women are not all the same. It sounds to me that you are analyzing what happened, what was said, actions, etc. Which is normal, I am doing it myself right now. Here's the catch, you are not him, we do not all think/act alike and you have no idea what is going through his head, and never will. It also seems you are holding out hope and making excuses for him and the relationship, also normal. It's going to take time, no contact will help you. You'll analyze for a bit but start to work through everything and then start to heal. That will begin when you realize it's over. In my experience, you are only going to go in circles analyzing this, what was said, the sex, etc. You need to move on and dating is not the way, taking time and no contact are. Not that it's bad to date, but as someone said you are looking outside of yourself to fill a void. Take this experience and learn from it, grow. On a positive note, life goes on and you might look back one day and realize this was simply an experience to grow from. Life is about growth. Sorry you are going through this right now, it's tough. Best of luck to you. 1
Author firefairy Posted June 6, 2016 Author Posted June 6, 2016 Sorry, typo. It doesn't matter. 60 days is nothing. Don't go looking for a substitute to make your pains go away. It would be in your best interest to learn how to focus inward and learn how to heal on your own. i appreciate that.
BC1980 Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 I don't feel any healing. My friends practically forced me to date saying it's the best way to move on as you meet better people.. Dating right now is likely to make you feel worse. I remember talking to a guy immediately after my last breakup, and I ghosted on him when he asked me out. It just brought up a lot of emotions because I wasn't anywhere near healed. It actually makes you miss your ex more. 1
Blanco Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 You should be glad that he broke it off when he did. A year is long enough to know if there's a basis for something more long-lasting. Most guys, myself included, find it difficult to leave relationships, even when maybe we don't see this long-term potential. It's easy for guys to get comfortable and complacent in relationships, so it's not uncommon for us to let the relationships drag on and on, even if we know it's probably not the relationship for us. 1
Author firefairy Posted June 6, 2016 Author Posted June 6, 2016 You should be glad that he broke it off when he did. A year is long enough to know if there's a basis for something more long-lasting. Most guys, myself included, find it difficult to leave relationships, even when maybe we don't see this long-term potential. It's easy for guys to get comfortable and complacent in relationships, so it's not uncommon for us to let the relationships drag on and on, even if we know it's probably not the relationship for us. then what IS the relationship for guys? Can it often be a case of right girl, wrong time? Giving the fact we were both constantly busy being 21 year olds, studying, wanting to travel etc etc
keiji Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 any positivity here at all? Tell us exactly what you want to hear. I hope no one is willing to lie or try to act as a seer when no one knows what's in your ex's mind or heart, but maybe you'll be lucky. Some people regret it and come back. Some others (most) don't. It's the only reasonable certainty I can think of and, as you can see, it's pretty inconclusive. You can always sit in front of him and beg for another chance. Perhaps that will give you closure. The longer you cling to vain hopes, the longer it will take for you to heal.
RocketQueen Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 I know exactly where you are coming from and how you're feeling.The thing about love and heartbreak is it does not discriminate- I am 39 and have spent many a night pondering just what my ex was thinking, why he said the lovely things he said after the break-up, why he DID the awful things after the break up. How we could be intimate again and every thing feel perfect seemingly with little to no feeling from him. The bottom line is no one here can tell you he definitely won't come back one day and profess regret but we can advise you to not wait around for that day to happen. I am starting to realise what we had was beautiful while it was good and we were BOTH in it. He was younger than me and I know I am his first love. He was who I thought was THE ONE. Something changed and I cannot change that. I was scared to give up hope and when I told him I didn't want to hear from him again my fear was I was hurting him. He didn't like it and didn't want to cut contact but I wasn't prepared to be downgraded to friend. I am moving on. I still love him, maybe always will but I am starting to realise I have so many good qualities to offer someone eventually- as do you. It is hard work to let go, stop disecting everything they say and do, but I am slowly learning to let go of the things I can't change and working on the things I can change. He may see your worth one day, who knows? Just don't pin your dreams on it. Good Luck 1
Blanco Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 then what IS the relationship for guys? Can it often be a case of right girl, wrong time? Giving the fact we were both constantly busy being 21 year olds, studying, wanting to travel etc etc At 21, the relationship is about companionship. Doesn't mean he doesn't care and it's not unheard of for people who started dating at such a young age to end up together. But it's not realistic or a good bet that such a relationship will survive the changes that happen for just about everyone during their twenties.
Author firefairy Posted June 6, 2016 Author Posted June 6, 2016 I know exactly where you are coming from and how you're feeling.The thing about love and heartbreak is it does not discriminate- I am 39 and have spent many a night pondering just what my ex was thinking, why he said the lovely things he said after the break-up, why he DID the awful things after the break up. How we could be intimate again and every thing feel perfect seemingly with little to no feeling from him. The bottom line is no one here can tell you he definitely won't come back one day and profess regret but we can advise you to not wait around for that day to happen. I am starting to realise what we had was beautiful while it was good and we were BOTH in it. He was younger than me and I know I am his first love. He was who I thought was THE ONE. Something changed and I cannot change that. I was scared to give up hope and when I told him I didn't want to hear from him again my fear was I was hurting him. He didn't like it and didn't want to cut contact but I wasn't prepared to be downgraded to friend. I am moving on. I still love him, maybe always will but I am starting to realise I have so many good qualities to offer someone eventually- as do you. It is hard work to let go, stop disecting everything they say and do, but I am slowly learning to let go of the things I can't change and working on the things I can change. He may see your worth one day, who knows? Just don't pin your dreams on it. Good Luck wow queen, how long has it been since the B/O? I'm glad to hear you are moving on, i really do hope you find happiness is someone else
Author firefairy Posted June 6, 2016 Author Posted June 6, 2016 At 21, the relationship is about companionship. Doesn't mean he doesn't care and it's not unheard of for people who started dating at such a young age to end up together. But it's not realistic or a good bet that such a relationship will survive the changes that happen for just about everyone during their twenties. to clarify, I'm only talking about future reconciliation and the mind of 20 something year olds because I've SEEN it happen, with people around me. I understand facing reality, but reality isn't always the be all and end all people make it out to be in my opinion. people change, feelings change, sometimes they come back in time. i don't think i'm crazy for not totally ruling it out..
Blanco Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 You're not crazy, but you're also clinging to a longshot. And I get it. I've been there, so I understand that you have to experience a period of denial that it's really over for good before you can pick up yourself and truly move on. Just know that backslides in the relationship don't usually work, either. Sure, he might come back, but the odds of it working out long-term aren't good; they're worse than the first time around. The old adage about how once you break that plate, it can never again be what it was, even if you glue it back together. Source: I've gotten back with every girlfriend in my life at least once (and usually more than once). I'm currently single. 1
Author firefairy Posted June 6, 2016 Author Posted June 6, 2016 You're not crazy, but you're also clinging to a longshot. And I get it. I've been there, so I understand that you have to experience a period of denial that it's really over for good before you can pick up yourself and truly move on. Just know that backslides in the relationship don't usually work, either. Sure, he might come back, but the odds of it working out long-term aren't good; they're worse than the first time around. The old adage about how once you break that plate, it can never again be what it was, even if you glue it back together. Source: I've gotten back with every girlfriend in my life at least once (and usually more than once). I'm currently single. I guess i am.. Did you not feel like you were clingy to a longshot at times though, and you ended up together? If I'm honest, the only time I'd consider getting back together would be in a significant period of time, (1-2 yrs), and if we were both really ready this time Why did you get back with your exes? Who did the dumping, and why?
Blanco Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 I guess i am.. Did you not feel like you were clingy to a longshot at times though, and you ended up together? If I'm honest, the only time I'd consider getting back together would be in a significant period of time, (1-2 yrs), and if we were both really ready this time Why did you get back with your exes? Who did the dumping, and why? Yes, I did feel that way, which is why I can empathize with you. Ultimately, though, that clinging did more harm than good and only delayed what was inevitable: Moving on. All of my reunions were not long after the breakup. Anywhere from a matter of days to a few weeks. In other words, nowhere near the amount of time necessary for changes to be made. Hence, the reunions were short-lived or only delayed the inevitable: Ending the relationship for good. In general, I do think a good amount of time needs to pass for reconciliation to have a legit shot. That allows each person to detach, focus on themselves, make improvements, maybe date some other people. But here's the rub: In doing so, most people find that they move on from the former relationship and getting back together is no longer a desirable option.
BC1980 Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 But here's the rub: In doing so, most people find that they move on from the former relationship and getting back together is no longer a desirable option. That's really the dilemma. In order to move on, you have to go NC and accept that it will never work out. You have to be okay with never seeing to or speaking with the person again. Totally cut them off and never entertain the idea of being them again. But having hoping doesn't work in that scenario. Entertaining a future long shot doesn't work because you will always want to keep the door open, even a tiny crack. I agree that most people do need to go through a period of denial before they decide to really go NC and cut their ex off. I think you end up breaking NC so many times, or not hearing from the person for X months, and you finally get it by then. It just becomes ridiculous and embarrassing to contact the person. That is what happened with my last relationship at least. I got burned so many times that I literally couldn't look myself in the mirror anymore with any respect unless I went NC. OP, I know you don't want to hear what we are telling you, and I know you won't accept it. I understand. You will see that we are correct at some point, but you will probably have to see it with your own eyes. One day, you will be tired of clinging to a ghost. 2
BC1980 Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 to clarify, I'm only talking about future reconciliation and the mind of 20 something year olds because I've SEEN it happen, with people around me. I understand facing reality, but reality isn't always the be all and end all people make it out to be in my opinion. people change, feelings change, sometimes they come back in time. i don't think i'm crazy for not totally ruling it out.. You can make the decision to rule it out yourself. You are waiting around for him to rule you out. How long do you plan to put your life on hold? A year? 5 years? If you never rule him out yourself, you are basically living in limbo and putting your life on hold. There is no other way around it. You cannot move on but hope for to come back. Those two things are mutually exclusive. 1
LD1990 Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 The sooner you let go of any hope, the better. I know it's hard and you want to believe that somewhere down the road you two will be reunited. The thing is, he's not going to all of a sudden want a relationship with you again. He told you he doesn't want a serious relationship. Anytime someone says that, what they're really saying is "I don't want a serious relationship with you." He liked you, but didn't love you. He's doing you a favor by breaking things off instead of wasting more of your time.
gaig Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 (edited) If I'm honest, the only time I'd consider getting back together would be in a significant period of time, (1-2 yrs), and if we were both really ready this time Why did you get back with your exes? Who did the dumping, and why? This is the amount of time I would consider as well.. years! not months. We need to get detached..completely. Especially myself because I guess she is already "detached" in someone else's arms. But if we meet after years, we are in the same phase, not in serious relationships and just hang out and actually enjoy it, then.. It would still take time and numerous meetups because we would both be quite hesitant (me subconsciously not trusting her, her afraid her old empty feelings prevailing against me). However, I was the dumpee, so I might be as open as above regarding reconciliation and her not at all. But I wouldnt go back to her even if she calls tom, says she loves me, she made a huge mistake and wants to start again. We were done for a reason, or actually for many reasons, I did a lot of mistakes in the beginning of our ldr, she did all of them in the end. These need to be wiped out for good edit: and yes, we guys regret. When hurting a woman I feel very bad with myself even if I have no romantic feelings towards her anymore. Edited June 6, 2016 by gaig
Author firefairy Posted June 6, 2016 Author Posted June 6, 2016 (edited) The sooner you let go of any hope, the better. I know it's hard and you want to believe that somewhere down the road you two will be reunited. The thing is, he's not going to all of a sudden want a relationship with you again. He told you he doesn't want a serious relationship. Anytime someone says that, what they're really saying is "I don't want a serious relationship with you." He liked you, but didn't love you. He's doing you a favor by breaking things off instead of wasting more of your time. The thing is, I know he loved me. I just know. And he knew the same. We just didn't say it. Our actions, throughout the relationship, spoke in volumes. I'm afraid I disagree with that..Although of course I agree with the letting go of hope part. I;m just too raw to be in that place right now. Edited June 6, 2016 by firefairy
Zahara Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 The thing is, I know he loved me. I just know. And he knew the same. We just didn't say it. Our actions, throughout the relationship, spoke in volumes. I'm afraid I disagree with that..Although of course I agree with the letting go of hope part. I;m just too raw to be in that place right now. I've been in your shoes before. He lavished me with what I thought was love. But in the end he could not commit. He said he was commitment phobic. A few years later -- he's married. There are some people that can go through the motions. There are some that revel in the honeymoon stage when it's fun and exciting, showing their best side, showering you with attention and care, only to cut and run when it's time to genuinely commit to the responsibilities of a relationship. Why? It's because they're not fully invested. Unfortunately, his feelings ran shallow, not quite deep enough for the long run. That is why he left. That kind of "love" isn't what you deserve. 1
Steven1 Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 I can very much say that I do, but it's a bit of a weird one for me!. Me and my now ex were together for 7 years, we split up a while back now with her saying she had got bored of the relationship, that there was someone else etc who she is now with. For a time during that, although I knew I had done nothing wrong and if anything had gone above and beyond to make things work, I always had regrets that I hadn't done certain things, and I definitely had regrets about things in the past with me and her, there was never any cheating or anything like that between us, but we did have some very bad arguments etc that did lead to a bit of resentment between us at times, and I massively regret that and I still often now think if that had never happened, then things probably would have progressed a lot better between us than they did.. and we quite possibly still would have been together. I regret not doing a lot of things with her that she will now do with her current boyfriend etc. Still if I learned anything it was to try to not look back on it with regrets and rather draw the positives from it. I think in a lot of cases (certainly not all! ) there is an element of regret for the relationship not being able to work for one reason or the other, it might not be straight away but I think it will cross on sides mind from time to time.
privategal Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 You keep analyzing and placing all of what you think he feels in his head. You can only go by what he SAID. Point blank some important statements that are deal breakers: -when I was away I started not to miss you as much -we were heading toward marriage and kids and I didnt want that -I didnt want to be that guy in a serious relationship. I would absolutely let him keep walking. He broke up with you and meant it. You keep contacting. Hes trying to reply out of obligation. Even if it does hurt him to have had to be the bad guy and break your heart, he still is single. He is trying to go forward without you and who wants a guy who evaluated you as a potential wife and said no. I know its hard to accept and you want to believe he was confused, didnt mean all this, etc etc. He means it. He just no longer saw the relationship the same and you have to stop looking back and implement firm NC and let go. Im so very sorry for your pain. This is the truth. Try and ignore it but it id plain as day it is over.
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