Do ex boyfriends ever feel regret?

[firefairy]

I would really appreciate your input on this one guys. Please be positive, where possible

 

It has been almost 2 months since he broke up with me in person. I was so shocked & stunned as everything seemed to have been going okay that all I could muster out was “okay”, when he touched me to say sorry I looked him in the eye and said he could not touch me, and I left. When I went home I realized I needed reason/closure. I called him up, and his reasons were “he was not as happy as he COULD be in a relationship” and things had changed since he came home (he was away for 2 months in which I visited him), and that he stopped missing me as much. I didn’t understand this as he was only home 2 weeks when he dumped me, and he was always saying how I was the one he missed the most, he needed to see me, he was excited to spend the Summer with me. We had small disagreements a total of 5 times over the relationship, all were quite silly bar one (a pic of him cuddling a girl while he was away) and all were resolved within minutes. The last tiff we had was 2 days before he dumped me, when he asked me to go somewhere and I said I was tired but wanted to, and he said “eh you don’t have to if you don’t want to”. On that phonecall, he said this was “blown out of proportion”. I explained I felt like he didn’t even want me there…..and hey.. I was right. He said he was going to miss me, that it was the worst day of his life, he started to cry, he said I was fantastic and this breakup was not about me. I told him I could never hate him, and that I hope he finds someone that makes him happy all the time.. I did not beg or plead. We said our goodbyes. I told him not to take my blocking of him on social media as petty, as I needed time to heal. He asked to be friends, I said I cannot.

 

Fast forward to 2 weeks and I couldn’t resist. I messaged him and we had casual conversation. He said life hadn’t been great and I said me too..but he wouldn’t talk about the elephant in the room. He was making jokes. I told him I was glad he seemed so happy. He responded angrily, asking how he could possibly be happy? And then I realized something.. I said to him “how could you have slept with me when you came home knowing you wanted to break up with me?”.. It was at this point he not only opened up but got very angry, a side I never saw. He said he broke up with me because he didn’t want to be in a relationship. He said marriage, kids etc was “where we were going” and he could feel that, and that “I could obviously feel that”. He said he “didn’t want to be that guy in a serious relationship”, that he never wants kids marriage etc. I asked why he didn’t say this initially. He apologised for not. By the way, I never ever once talked about the future like that with him at all. We’re both in our early twenties..if anything he was the one obsessed with babies.

 

When things cooled down I just told him that it was silly to end something so good out of fear of the unknown, which he responded with “so we stay together. Then what? It’s either 60 years married with you or break up”. He apologized for breaking up so bluntly with no real warning. He then said he was glad we were talking it through and that he was busy with work at that moment, but we would speak later and sorry for leaving me hanging. I told him that was absoloutley fine, and I only want him to be happy and will always be there if he truly needed me. I didn’t hear from him for another week. He did leave me hanging.

 

I get a text to say he has something of mine, and that he can post in through my letterbox if I’d rather not get it in person. I was so angry at him at this stage for lying to me about discussing the breakup that I told him I didn’t want it. He said “seriously..? it’s part of your childhood.” I told him I did not want it, and not to contact me again.

 

Fast forward another week and my sibling insists I get said item back as it was sentimental to our whole family (a deceased cousin once owned it). I had to text him then. “I know I asked for it to be thrown away but if by chance you still have it I’d like it back. I totally understand if you don’t. Thanks”.. 2 days, no response. I got angry and texted “It’s a simple yes or no. I’m asking for a sentimental item back, is all. Saying you wouldn’t leave me hanging and then blatantly ignoring me is cruel and quite frankly undeserved”. Hours later he responded saying sorry, his work phone was turned off and he had it, and he would never throw it out. I simply texted “Post to xyz” (my full address), as I was not comfortable with him dropping by even if I wasn’t there. It’s been a month. I never got it.

 

We were seeing eachother for a year and official 6 months (he dumped me on our anniversary). We are both in our early twenties, and he was my first love..as in, the first boy i’ve ever felt a real emotional connection with. In the breakup I told him I nearly was starting to love him.. Are his reasons bull, or does it seem he just fell out of love with me? I have not contacted him since the address text and have no intention of doing so. He has done stupid, selfish things but they’re so minuscule in comparison to what a lovely person he is. I just can’t accept that we will never reconcile one day, or even be friends. Any advice?

 

 

Bare in mind, he also said he felt like he had a “gaping hole” in his chest since the breakup, self loathing and that if he thinks about it for too long he’s afraid of going stir crazy. That he has an overwhelming sense of sadness and regret when he thinks about me. Is this guilt, or does it show he truly just didn’t want a relationship, and it wasn’t just an excuse for falling out of love?

[BC1980]

Did he ever tell you that he loves you? The reason I ask is because you said that you were nearly falling in love with him. Also, the fact that he slept with you before he broke up with you doesn't mean much to him. Men see sex very differently than women. Men don't necessarily view having sex as a commitment the way that women do.

[firefairy]

no, BC, but then again neither did I. We knew we loved eachother. We weren't mushy in the slightest, we just kinda knew how much we cared for one another

[PegNosePete]

Please be positive, where possible

I will try, despite it being against my nature. Although, generally it's better for responders to this kind of post to be honest than positive.

 

I just can’t accept that we will never reconcile one day

I am sorry but you will have to accept it. It takes 2 to make a relationship. He has shown you, with his actions as well as his words, that he does not want to be in a relationship with you or even friends. You have no option but to accept that. You can't force him to change his mind.

 

Bare in mind, he also said he felt like he had a “gaping hole” in his chest since the breakup, self loathing and that if he thinks about it for too long he’s afraid of going stir crazy. That he has an overwhelming sense of sadness and regret when he thinks about me. Is this guilt, or does it show he truly just didn’t want a relationship, and it wasn’t just an excuse for falling out of love?

It is just bla bla bla if it's not followed up with "I made a terrible mistake, can we get back together?"

 

Sorry I really tried to be positive but I just don't see any hope here. He's told you with his words, and shown you with his actions, that it's over.

[firefairy]

why would someone bother going into elaborate detail about how badly they feel after a breakup? Surely if he didn't care at all, he would have just ignored me, and gotten angry with me, saying he was very effected aswell?

[firefairy]

just to clarify, although I'm explaining my personal situation, the general consensus I wanna get going here is dumpers regret, whether they get that over time

[PegNosePete]

Generally not. And it really makes no difference anyway so it's really not worth wasting your brain-power thinking about. You need to concentrate on YOU right now.

[Zahara]

why would someone bother going into elaborate detail about how badly they feel after a breakup? Surely if he didn't care at all, he would have just ignored me, and gotten angry with me, saying he was very effected aswell?

 

Guilt. It softens the blow when it comes to the dumpee in that showing remorse and sadness doesn't make them look/feel like a bad guy.

[Zahara]

just to clarify, although I'm explaining my personal situation, the general consensus I wanna get going here is dumpers regret, whether they get that over time

 

When someone has emotionally detached, chances are they're looking ahead and not really thinking about the past. As the dumpee, it's hard not to project because we think that they're ruminating just as we are but most times, they're moving on.

[BC1980]

no, BC, but then again neither did I. We knew we loved eachother. We weren't mushy in the slightest, we just kinda knew how much we cared for one another

 

I you love someone, you will tell them straight out. He never told you he loved you because he didn't love you. And maybe you never loved him either. Or maybe you were scared to profess your love because you knew it wasn't reciprocated. Either way, he probably didn't feel strongly enough about you to make a longer term commitment. He probably liked you a lot but never fell in love with you.

 

You original question was about regret. Sure, people feel regret all the time, but it depends on what they regret. I think you want him to regret breaking up with you, and I don't see any signs of that. He might feel sad and have a transition period where he is emotional, but that does not mean he regrets breaking up with you.

[privategal]

You keep analyzing and placing all of what you think he feels in his head.

You can only go by what he SAID.

Point blank some important statements that are deal breakers:

-when I was away I started not to miss you as much

-we were heading toward marriage and kids and I didnt want that

-I didnt want to be that guy in a serious relationship.

 

I would absolutely let him keep walking. He broke up with you and meant it. You keep contacting. Hes trying to reply out of obligation. Even if it does hurt him to have had to be the bad guy and break your heart, he still is single.

He is trying to go forward without you and who wants a guy who evaluated you as a potential wife and said no.

I know its hard to accept and you want to believe he was confused, didnt mean all this, etc etc.

He means it.

He just no longer saw the relationship the same and you have to stop looking back and implement firm NC and let go.

Im so very sorry for your pain.

[firefairy]

I really just want positivity and hope in this thread, people.

[firefairy]

he never said he didn't miss me while he was gone. When he was gone he bombarded me with texts about how much he missed me, needed me and how the pain without me was unbearable and he couldn't wait to see me. then he was back for a week, and he ended it. And I don't keep contacting..

[BC1980]

just to clarify, although I'm explaining my personal situation, the general consensus I wanna get going here is dumpers regret, whether they get that over time

 

I mean, regret can happen. Sure, there is a possibility that he could regret this down the line, but we can't predict the future. We can't give you an answer as to what will happen down the line. The harsh truth is that most people don't regret dumping someone and come crawling back. I've seen it once in my life with two friends, but that is the only time.

 

I think you are giving us all the details of the post-breakup conversations because you want those to indicate that there is a chance of getting back with him. That's not really the case. They way he has acted and the things he has said are quite normal and are no indication of him feeling regret down the line. I would concentrate on the present. Concentrate on what is in front of you, not what could possibly be in a future that hasn't happened yet.

[Zahara]

I really just want positivity and hope in this thread, people.

 

The positive is that you will get over this and move on from him. It's going to awhile for you to heal. But you won't always feel this pain. You need to go full blown NC and accept that it is over.

 

Unfortunately, there were a lot of signs that he was emotionally detaching from you. I don't think that's going to turn around. So it would be best for you to accept the reality of your situation. It's hard, but there is no alternative.

[PegNosePete]

I really just want positivity and hope in this thread, people.

As I said earlier, wouldn't you rather have honest answers?

 

the most positive thing I can say is that you have a great future ahead of you, you should make changes to your life to improve your lifestyle and happiness. You should move on from your ex to find true happiness. Dwelling in the past will just hold you back.

[firefairy]

but I was his first girlfriend in 3 years after what I could tell was a bad breakup from his ex who dumped him. he chose me to start a relationship with after all that time alone.. how can I sit here and believe it was all for nothing? I was so good to him, we had the best times, we clicked instantly when we first met, we were crazy about eachother. Why does this happen? Why do guys run when things get comfortable after a year and the initial honeymoon fades? It all boils down to simply missing my friend. I miss my friend so terribly

[BC1980]

I really just want positivity and hope in this thread, people.

 

Most posters around here and going to give you the truth whether it is positive or negative. I think something positive would be to block him and move on. Concentrate on yourself. He has flat out told you he is not interested. He never loved you to begin with. He does not want a future with you. So, that sucks, but you know without a doubt. There is no guess work here, and that is positive. You can move on and find a guy who actually loves you and wants a future with you.

[Zahara]

he never said he didn't miss me while he was gone. When he was gone he bombarded me with texts about how much he missed me, needed me and how the pain without me was unbearable and he couldn't wait to see me. then he was back for a week, and he ended it. And I don't keep contacting..

 

Words, OP. Cheap and easy. Focus on his actions. When he was back and it really mattered in terms of showing you how he really felt, he did the opposite. So, don't put so much emphasis on words. There was no follow-up to all of those declarations.

[firefairy]

As I said earlier, wouldn't you rather have honest answers?

 

the most positive thing I can say is that you have a great future ahead of you, you should make changes to your life to improve your lifestyle and happiness. You should move on from your ex to find true happiness. Dwelling in the past will just hold you back.

 

I can't let of this hope yet. My body and mentality won't allow me yet. I've made progress, for sure. I go out, go to the gym, even been on a couple of dates. But I need to hold onto this a little longer. I'm afraid if I push it aside, it'll hit me back like a tonne of bricks weeks later.

[firefairy]

Most posters around here and going to give you the truth whether it is positive or negative. I think something positive would be to block him and move on. Concentrate on yourself. He has flat out told you he is not interested. He never loved you to begin with. He does not want a future with you. So, that sucks, but you know without a doubt. There is no guess work here, and that is positive. You can move on and find a guy who actually loves you and wants a future with you.

 

I've heard plenty of stories about guys who loved a girl but couldn't commit, and bailed due to fear.. why is my case any different? why is this so definite? From the day I met him, he was terrified of commitment but didn't want to lose me, so he stayed. He always said he never wanted marriage or kids and it didn't bother me.

[BC1980]

]Why do guys run when things get comfortable after a year and the initial honeymoon fades? It all boils down to simply missing my friend. I miss my friend so terribly

 

Because he didn't love you. He didn't develop deep enough feelings to continue. A year is enough time to reevaluate and see that he doesn't want to move forward. It's not your fault. Sometimes, thing just run their course, and he wasn't the guy for you. I know you miss him, and it's hard. But surely you have other friends. Put your time into those other friends and family. This guy isn't the only friend you have.

[PegNosePete]

even been on a couple of dates

Don't do that. It's not fair on other people to go on dates while you're not healed from your last relationship.

[BC1980]

I've heard plenty of stories about guys who loved a girl but couldn't commit, and bailed due to fear.. why is my case any different? why is this so definite? From the day I met him, he was terrified of commitment but didn't want to lose me, so he stayed. He always said he never wanted marriage or kids and it didn't bother me.

 

Those stories are bull. Men are not scared to commit when it's the right woman. You said he was scared of commitment from day 1. Okay, so you didn't change his mind. He didn't love you enough to commit. He will commit when he falls in love and finds the right woman. Why do you want to be with a person who doesn't love you and who doesn't want a future with you?

[firefairy]

I don't feel any healing. My friends practically forced me to date saying it's the best way to move on as you meet better people..