Var1ant Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 (edited) So my woman and i love each other to death. She had 3 yeArs clean And then met me. We relapsed (mostly my fault) and she got dropped by her po and then put in jail. She may be gone a few months. I have completely lost it since shes been gone, drinking daily and generally going straight to hell. I need some kind of support but im here alone all the time. I havent even done the dishes or cleaned the place since shes been gone. I seem to have no will to move on without her. I love her so much. I would never cheat on her or leave her. This is weird for me im not some lovesick child im a 42 yo man. Wtf is happening to me? Any support or feedback is greatly appreciated. ~S Edited June 6, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Yookie Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 Is there anyone you can call?.. friend? family member ?sponsor?
Author Var1ant Posted June 6, 2016 Author Posted June 6, 2016 (edited) No. I dont talk to my family. Im looking for help here Edited June 6, 2016 by Var1ant
elaine567 Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 OK you need to stop feeling so hopeless and helpless and start dong stuff so that when she comes out of prison she is proud of you and sees you as a man who despite making some bad choices is willing to get out of that rut. Drinking yourself to death solves nothing. Start small, do the dishes, tidy up yourself and your home, get some pride in yourself back. If the alcohol is at the root of many of your problems consider contacting Alcoholics Anonymous, if alcohol is merely a temporary fix, then instead of sitting there and reaching for the bottle then go for a walk, see some friends, go to the gym, go shopping, go anywhere just do not end up drinking yourself silly. 6
ExpatInItaly Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 Look up local addiction support groups in your area. Get in touch with people who can help you, in the form of these support groups and those trained in such matters. Give yourself a list of tasks to accomplish every day. Start small. Are you currently working? 3
Cherryz Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 You 40s ,maybe this a great moment for you to use the time to work on yourself and your drug use. Therapy , read some self help books and so on. Work on a healthy life and environment for yourself first. And find a hobby,and do some sport. Plan your days get busy with positive stuff. And when you miss her talk about it with your friends or have a book where you write poems to her and your feelings. Or if art is your thing use art or if its music use music. 1
Toodaloo Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 If you really love her you will get off your backside and clean that house. You will get yourself onto a rehab course and you will get yourself clean so that you are in a position to support her rather than her end up back inside. Set yourself goals each day - for example Monday - wash up and get enrolled in a support programme Tuesday - wash up and vacuum Wednesday - wash up and clean hard floors Thursday - wash up and clean bathroom Friday - wash up and find a sports club to join Saturday - wash up, do clothes washing, change bed sheets Sunday - Wash up and do ironing Time to be the change you want to be. 6
losangelena Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 OP, bottom line, you cannot do this alone. You need the support of a therapist, an AA or NA sponsor, or maybe even an in-treatment program. No matter what anyone says here, however well-intentioned, this is not a pull yourself up by the bootstraps situation. You are beyond the help of an Internet forum. I'm glad you're reaching out. Good luck with this. 4
kendahke Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 (edited) No. I dont talk to my family. Im looking for help here This might be above our paygrade. You really need to talk to a professional. I think your motivation should be "what if she's released today, comes home and I'm passed out drunk and she walks into the mess I've made while she's been sitting in jail due to me bringing drugs to her, causing her to relapse--just to keep me company while I was doing drugs?" Get off your behind and clean your mess. Check into rehab. Take responsibility for your actions. As you said, you're not a child: you're a 40-something year old grown man---who is acting like a child. Edited June 6, 2016 by kendahke 2
Author Var1ant Posted June 6, 2016 Author Posted June 6, 2016 (edited) Thanks very much for the responses. I have sworn off all drugs but cant seem to leave the alcohol alone. She wont be gone that long but at least a couple months. I did join a gym and my mom is taking me to support groups starting tonight. I just get so lonely and miss her so much. Its like my heart has been ripped out. As for the "check into rehab" posts- ive been there. I freaking hate 12 step programs. They have never worked for me. I think at some point u just have to say either im going to quit or im not and make a decision. I cant go in for another 6 months. Crazy. Edited June 6, 2016 by Var1ant
Toodaloo Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 Thing is it has to stop. So while you hate it perhaps you can talk to them and discuss what prevented it from working before. Find a way that works for you. If you love her really work at it this time and get clean and sober so you can have a healthier future. Now is your decision time. Good for it. Go and get the help (proper help) and go for it. 1
losangelena Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 Here's the thing, though. I've been to a couple of 12-step groups, too, and I think they're kind of weird. I don't like the rituals and the higher power stuff. However, what they do provide, and what I'd argue that you would benefit from, is support and structure. As I said in my first post, you cannot muscle your way through substance abuse. You will need accountability and support in your weak times, those times when you can't leave the bottle alone. The benefit of a sponsor is that you do have someone there to check in on you and who you can call when things get hard. Someone who isn't a family member or GF, where there are possible enmeshment issues or emotional baggage. Anyway, just reiterating that point. Again, best of luck to you. It is a good sign that you're seeking out help. 2
anika99 Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 If you are 42yrs old then it's time you start taking responsibility for yourself and your life. Your mom shouldn't need to take you to a support group, you should be going on your own by your own accord. I don't want to offend you but you sound very childish. An adult would survey this situation and realize that drastic changes need to be made if they would like a healthy future. An adult would not sit around a filthy house, drinking and feeling sorry for himself. You are bad for your gf and she may also be bad for you. She may get clean in jail but if she gets out and comes back to you she is likely to relapse again. Sometimes ending a bad relationship is the most loving thing to do.
Dork Vader Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 You need to start going to NA/AA and get your act together. There is a good chance you'll get the boot if you don't. If you want support and help AA/NA is where you'll find it.
smackie9 Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 The thing is, you are sick, and you will be sick for the rest of your life. You need to go to counseling and meetings forever because you are that kind of addict. You should never date someone with addiction issues or anyone from the program. All that is does is trigger the addiction over and over again, that's why you both fell off the wagon. As long as you stay together you both will be locked into the addiction cycle continually. That's the sad truth about it. Addiction causes co-dependency...you are codependent that's why you feel so helpless and lost. Get to a AA meeting. They run 24-7 in your area. Go on line and give them a call. 5
Author Var1ant Posted June 7, 2016 Author Posted June 7, 2016 Smackie, losangele and vader you guys are spot on. I do hate aa/12 step programs "higher power" bs and all that. But i need structure. It doesnt matter what happens, my woman and i will never, ever leave each other. If that means we go down in flames, so be it. We cant live without each other and wont. I love her and am keeping out place together while shes gone. I cleaned the place and did the dishes and shaved today after she called. Hopefully i can make it until she gets out. Thank u all so much.
losangelena Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 But how does standing by your woman keep you from getting the support and structure you need? Do you really think she'll be able to provide you with what you need? Of course not, and that only places an undue burden of expectation on her. What are you willing to do for YOURself, today? 1
kendahke Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 (edited) Thanks very much for the responses. I have sworn off all drugs but cant seem to leave the alcohol alone. She wont be gone that long but at least a couple months. I did join a gym and my mom is taking me to support groups starting tonight. I just get so lonely and miss her so much. Its like my heart has been ripped out. As for the "check into rehab" posts- ive been there. I freaking hate 12 step programs. They have never worked for me. I think at some point u just have to say either im going to quit or im not and make a decision. I cant go in for another 6 months. Crazy. I hate getting up and going to work everyday, but guess what? I have to do it. Unless you are healthy, clean, sober and have discipline of titanium, you really don't have the luxury right now of throwing a tantrum and saying "I hate it! I don't want to go". There are other rehabs other than AA. No. You NEED to do it because if you were able to tackle this on your own, your girlfriend who you say you love so much wouldn't be sitting in jail behind some mess you brought her into. Edited June 7, 2016 by kendahke 2
Author Var1ant Posted June 7, 2016 Author Posted June 7, 2016 (edited) U guys are right. But i will never be able to buy into the "higher power" bs. So its pointless. Im doing a 21 day detox and her parole date is 7/1. Hopefully shell b back soon. I am lost without her. Thank u all Ps- i will never understand these folks who cheat on their men and women. Id never do it to [her]. Ever Edited June 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed name ~6
BettyDraper Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 If you are 42yrs old then it's time you start taking responsibility for yourself and your life. Your mom shouldn't need to take you to a support group, you should be going on your own by your own accord. I don't want to offend you but you sound very childish. An adult would survey this situation and realize that drastic changes need to be made if they would like a healthy future. An adult would not sit around a filthy house, drinking and feeling sorry for himself. You are bad for your gf and she may also be bad for you. She may get clean in jail but if she gets out and comes back to you she is likely to relapse again. Sometimes ending a bad relationship is the most loving thing to do. This. 42 years old is high time to take responsibility for your life. Why should your mom take you to support groups? You are the one who is an addict and not your mother. Fight for your sobriety yourself. Two active addicts should not be in a relationship with each other because it will be codependent which is completely unhealthy. I'm told that addicts should not be in romantic relationships for their first year of sobriety in order to focus on building a new life.
Toodaloo Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 (edited) U guys are right. But i will never be able to buy into the "higher power" bs. So its pointless. Im doing a 21 day detox and her parole date is 7/1. Hopefully shell b back soon. I am lost without her. Thank u all Ps- i will never understand these folks who cheat on their men and women. Id never do it to [her]. Ever You need to get proper help. I know you don't want to but if you don't decide to stop this now guess what? Likelihood is the pair of you will go down in flames and it will not be pretty or a fairy tale dream. You both have a chance here. You have a decision to make. Please get help and have the fairy tale. Its so much better than jail and dying in a stinking pile of vomit. Please listen to the others and get that help. Edited June 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator edited quote ~6
losangelena Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 I'm pretty sure "higher power" just means realizing you don't have control over your situation. Your group, your support system, those you choose to hold yourself accountable to are your higher power. It doesn't have to be "God" or anything like that. OP, I've often heard it said that those who really need the meetings are the ones who eschew them for exactly these kinds of reasons. Detox is great, but you need coping mechanisms for when you're out in the world and things get hard. Addiction is a disease, and you're paddling a rowboat in the midst of a hurricane. We're not going to be able to convince you, I can tell. 1
mikeylo Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 How about having a complete change over before she comes back ? While not possible completely but a lot is doable. How about making her life better? For that to happen , you need to get your sheat together.
Author Var1ant Posted June 8, 2016 Author Posted June 8, 2016 (edited) I dont work much now but i want to. You all have been very helpful. I just have a hard time finding motivation. Until i was age 36, i had it all.. Financial advisor, hs/club soccer coach and had the trophy wife, house, kids, boats, suvs. Then a back injury and painkillers and total destruction. I resisted help for yeArs then finally did a 6 month inpatient program in 2013-14. I stayed cleAn 14 months. Then did another stint in rehab. Met my woman. She was 3 yrs clean weve known each other for 25 years. Instant love and happiness and meaning. But now that shes gone i feel like my soul has been ripped out. We are crazy about each other will never leave each other.. But i want to be able to lift her up and provide for her and im so unhealthy mentally right now idk how to do it.. Never felt this low, ever. Thank u all. Oh- i do believe in God. But i cant deal with the 12 step "i cant beat this on my own i have to have an invisible deity help me". How do u turn your life and your will over to something you cant see or heAr? Im open to help just help i can take seriously. Edited June 8, 2016 by Var1ant
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