blueberrymuffin Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 I've written a couple of posts about my relationship. I was friends with my now ex for a long time before we got together. Although in the beginning I had had zero attraction to him I decided to see how it went as he was really pursuing me. It went well and I fell deeply in love with him. Just a couple of months ago I wrote a post about how me and his deeply religious family were so totally incompatible and the general idea on LS which I kinda agreed with was this could not work long term. We did end up having a break as I was unsure and needed time to think. Finally a couple of weeks ago we met up for the make or break talk. I'm kinda pissed because he made me tell him how I felt. I told him I loved him and really wanted it to work, would compromise on stuff blah basically laid it all out. And he totally shot me down. Said he needed more time to think if he wanted to be with me, then sent me an email (like WTF have the guts to do this by phone. He works in another city so f2f not possible) the next day explaining that he thought we should be just friends. I'm just so sad about this. About his behaviour making me tell him how I felt when he knew he was going to shoot me down. I was totally happy just as friends for years until he started pushing the boundaries and I totally believe because we've known each other for long he knows what makes me tick and he made me fall in love with him, only to shoot me down. He has now agreed to allow his family to set him up with a bunch of girls from their religious community with a view to getting married. I'm like WTF you turn down an attractive person who you have a great time with all the time, have a strong bond with, emotional and intellectual connection all to marry some woman who you have zero connections with. He still says he does not want to have a religious home life, yet he is almost settling for an arranged marriage with a religious woman. I mean SERIOUSLY! What gives? I guess if I'm honest a lot of my heartbreak is the life I had built up in my head. I was looking at the kind of home we could buy, I even researched rings I was so convinced we were going to get married. I almost can't separate the man himself from the idea of the husband and white picket fence I had built up. I guess I had pinned all my hopes on him. I guess the point of this post is that he was my backup, the one who I would end up with that I just don't know where to go from here. I've always had a crappy love live, choosing the wrong men (thought I'd go against the flow and choose a good guy this time around see how that turned out) and now my last chance (lol) has gone I'm heartbroken. I would like to meet someone more compatible who doesn't have the family issue that my ex had but how do I do it? I don't know if this matters but I do live in a giant city where meeting serious men is a real issue. Everyone here is looking for skinny big busted women to have a couple of dates with and nothing serious. This sounds dramatic but serously at this point I'm willing to try anything. Heck even move to a friendlier place. lol.
elaine567 Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 He has now agreed to allow his family to set him up with a bunch of girls from their religious community with a view to getting married. I'm like WTF you turn down an attractive person who you have a great time with all the time, have a strong bond with, emotional and intellectual connection all to marry some woman who you have zero connections with. He still says he does not want to have a religious home life, yet he is almost settling for an arranged marriage with a religious woman. I mean SERIOUSLY! What gives? YOU are fighting a losing battle here. He needs to marry the "right" person and you are not the right person for his deeply religious family and the rest of his community. I guess. He wants his kids to grow up in the faith and for them to understand how deeply religion permeates their entire lives, he cannot do that with you easily, so he has dumped you in favour of a woman who has grown up with and understands the faith. It is not that uncommon for Muslim men (I am guessing he is a Muslim) to date or even live with non Muslim women, but when the time comes to marry, they return to their roots and go down the arranged marriage path. Family and community pressure dictates and it takes a very strong person to go against that. I am not saying Muslim men never marry non-Muslims, but I guess your ex was always out of bounds to you in reality. You are correct you concocted a love story in your head and slotted this man into it. You just made him fit into your ideal man template, complete with a lovely home and the white picket fence, and ignored the fact he was a real live person with thoughts and feelings of his own.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 Never slot someone in as a "back-up." Life doesn't work that way. You're selling yourself short and it's not fair to the other person either. I think you're upset because your ego is a bit bruised. Remember that it was you who initially wanted a break. I'm not sure what you expected - for him to wait around? He saw that you weren't sure about him and took that as his cue to leave. I would, too. You obviously saw some incompatibilities that were important enough to make you hesitate about wanting a relationship. He saw that these were significant for you and realized it ultimately won't work. What he does now, in the context of his family and religion, isn't your concern. You don't need to try to make sense of it, because you'll drive yourself crazy. I don't know how old you are, but I don't see how this is your "last chance." The life you imagined with him very likely wouldn't have happened anyway, given your differences. You live in a big city, which by definition means there are plenty of different men around. Telling yourself they all want a certain type is silly. Get involved in local interest groups, volunteer, join a gym. There are plenty of good single men out there who will be a better match.
Author blueberrymuffin Posted June 6, 2016 Author Posted June 6, 2016 I'm just 36 so I kinda do feel time is running out which is ironic given that I floated though my 20s and early 30s thinking I had all the time in the world and made no effort to find a decent guy. Now I'm fast hitting middle age and just don't know what to do. My past has just been stumbling into encounters with guys I met traveling or school or whatever. I guess I just pinned my hopes on this guy and elaine567 I guess you're right I ignored him as a living person and I guess I also ignored the fact that feelings can evolve, I just assumed he would always love me like he did in the beginning. Also, in terms of his background, yeah, you're right elaine but again ironicaly I am a bit more exceptable than others would have been to his family as my dad is 50 % from the faith background as this guy. In fact my gramps an his dad come from the same country. I understand the way the culture works as I spent a lot of time with my grandparents but I just understand it in like a distanced way I don't 'feel' it. I guess what I'm trying to say is if he wanted to he could have 'sold' me to his family in a way they would have accepted because of that part of my cultural heritage, but I guess for whatever reason he just didn't want to.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 I'm just 36 so I kinda do feel time is running out which is ironic given that I floated though my 20s and early 30s thinking I had all the time in the world and made no effort to find a decent guy. Now I'm fast hitting middle age and just don't know what to do. My past has just been stumbling into encounters with guys I met traveling or school or whatever. I guess I just pinned my hopes on this guy and elaine567 I guess you're right I ignored him as a living person and I guess I also ignored the fact that feelings can evolve, I just assumed he would always love me like he did in the beginning. Also, in terms of his background, yeah, you're right elaine but again ironicaly I am a bit more exceptable than others would have been to his family as my dad is 50 % from the faith background as this guy. In fact my gramps an his dad come from the same country. I understand the way the culture works as I spent a lot of time with my grandparents but I just understand it in like a distanced way I don't 'feel' it. I guess what I'm trying to say is if he wanted to he could have 'sold' me to his family in a way they would have accepted because of that part of my cultural heritage, but I guess for whatever reason he just didn't want to. You told him you were uncertain about him and called a break. Why would he even want to try to "sell" you after that? I have to be honest, I don't follow that logic. I think you are anxious because you are getting older and this one guy who you thought would stick around and fit into your life vision, didn't. I am about the same age as you, so I get why you're wanting to settle down at this point. But if you were unsure anyway, he wasn't the one to do so with.
elaine567 Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 We did end up having a break as I was unsure and needed time to think. OK you needed time to think, even if he had been all on board, you needing "time to think" by breaking up with him, will have dented his confidence in you. Why would he then be willing to go up against his family and the whole community and tell them "This is the woman for me, she loves me unreservedly and if I cannot marry her and get your blessing, I am willing to be ostracised from my family and those I hold dear." ? I guess he has seen through your back up plan and is thus using the one of his own. Which is very hard for you, but he was not "the love of your life" he was just Mr Right Now. You would have "settled" and that is not good for you or him.
Toodaloo Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 Hang on. So this guy is your "back up". So he is not someone you actually wanted just someone you wanted if no one else turned up... You wanted him to want you even though you didn't want him? Let him go get married and wish him the best. Be happy for him. Instead of fretting about what everyone else is doing go and make a life for yourself. Then you are far more likely to meet "the one" than if you go about thinking any old person will do... The only person putting you on the shelf is yourself. My advice is jump off the shelf and get up and get going.
Author blueberrymuffin Posted June 6, 2016 Author Posted June 6, 2016 So he WAS my backup but then when I decided to give my backup a shot he turned out not to my backup after all and I fell in love with him. The whole break thing was more complicated than that. We had been getting distant from each other, him as well as me. I was concerned that we were growing apart and that we needed a break to figure out how much we actually wanted each other. (I had my own reasons which I did not share with him which was to take some time to think about whether I could deal with his family). What is bugging me no end is that he made me pour my heart out to him, made me tell him how much I wanted him and would work on making the situation work, and then he kinda pushed back his chair and said 'oh I did not expect that, I need time to think about this.' I mean if he did not want me he should have shot me down immeditely and not waited for me to tell him all that stuff. And then sends me an email telling me he now sees me in more of a platonic way. I just don't get the logic, you reject me because you see me in a platonic way but then you're going to spend a lifetime having sex with some stranger you were never attracted to in the first place anyway. He also told me, straight up, that he doesn't care what this as yet unknown woman looks like because attraction disappears eventually anyway (pretty sure this is not the case with us and he still finds me attractive). None of it makes sense. I am moving on and have chalked this down to a lost cause, but just need to get right on the horse. No point wasting another year of my life pining for this guy while he is busy marrying someone else.
Toodaloo Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 blueberry. I am sorry but once again you are expecting standards from him that you yourself are not prepared to give. You expect him to know and be sure yet you yourself had doubts... He didn't "make you" pour your heart out. You did that willingly and like he says - he wasn't expecting that so he didn't think you felt anything at all really. Come on. Let it go. It wasn't going to work. You probably knew that already which is why you were all cold feet around him. And for future never settle for someone who will do or who is second best. Its really not fair to them or you. Quit being all jealous just because he is getting married and you are not because that is probably what this boils down to. Get on with life and go have some fun and meet new people.
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