Am I insane to try to get my girl back

June 6, 2016

Hello, This is my first post on here and is the reason I joined this site. Sorry for it being so long and Thank you for reading.

I met this girl(say Ashley) on a dating website and we hit it off instantly. There was never a day where we didn't talk since I initially messaged her. After about 2 1/2 weeks of talking she gave me her number and we started texting alot since. I eventually asked her out on a date after some time. She was nervous about going out with me this whole time about going out because she was worried about me not being physically attracted to her. She is very self conscious and have been dealing with bipolar, depression, OCD, and PCOS( polycystic ovary syndrome) her whole life. After going out we texted and she asked me to be honest if I thought she was attractive as I thought and I said not quite as but you're still beautiful. That seriously crushed her spirits, and broke her heart because she spent so long building her self up and it's like I tore her down. I feel soo bad about saying that and am still hurting because of what I said.

We ended up ending it there but I was deeply saddened because I really liked her so much and never felt that way about anyone before. This is the first time I've cried so much in years, let alone over a girl. The next day I spent the whole of it writing a letter and telling her how I felt about her and that I don't feel that way about her anymore because it is true, I find her most beautiful now. I took the risk of going to her house and gave it to her dad to give it to her. Ashley texted me later and was a bit creeped out by it since she didn't know that I knew where she lived. I literally went door to door on the block I dropper her off on to find the place. She explained she couldn't be with me because she couldn't get over what I said since she's self conscious but really wish she could. We tried to say our goodbyes but couldn't and ended up talking about how much we'd miss each other etc. Eventually she said she'll compromise and keep me as she figures out her life and deal with things. We ended up talking all that night like normal, she even said she was glad I showed up and things were looking good.

About a week later Ashley became worried again because she was having second thoughts about it. She is scared of taking risks and worries alot about the what ifs, things out of her control, and things not working out with me. We ended up talking about it and I put the decision on her to tell me if she wanted to stay or go. After enough convincing, Ashley said she'll stay but she's still terrified about going forward. After that, the following week we talked more than ever before, with deeper conversations etc. Things were going so well and Ashley asked me if I thought we were officially BF and GF and I just said yes even though that is very early for most relationships, I still felt that way. After that I ended up asking her out again and she said yes, but still had what I said on her mind. We ended up talking about it being on her mind and things got serious again. I feel like I forced her to make a decision about staying with me or not during that conversation about it. She couldn't make a decision this time and I told her to get back to me on it. The next day Ashley told me that she came to one and didn't like it. It was to move on and go our separate ways. She said she wants to be with me but can't. She wanted us to delete each other's numbers since it she thought it wouldn't be a good idea if we stayed in contact and was also worried about me showing up at her place again. I promised her I wouldn't show up or blow up her phone and I deleted her number and we said our goodbyes.(I won't show up again or ever spam her with messages)

It's 4 days after it happened. During the first 3 days I was so so so miserable and sad about it. That I blew my chance with the most amazing girl I could ask for and most of all, I hurt her badly... I wish I could've seen how physically beautiful she was sooner!! I'm so worried about her right now because she told me she was breaking and borderline suicidal when we talked about moving on after I sent that letter. She's really dealing with alot and I want to be the one to be there for her and give her a great life. I care about her soo much just as much, if not more than myself.

I want her to be happy more than anything. We actually even talked about getting married, the amount of kids we'd have etc..I know it was early but she always brought it up and even though I was a bit creeped out at first, I eventually became fond of it. She wants to be a stay at home mom and I really want to make that happen for her. It's just I can't believe now I may loose my dream girl I was looking for for so long

Ashley had the qualities I was looking for and she repeatedly told me how much she liked me and how scary it was at times.

I said I would delete her number but I already emailed it to myself when she gave it originally and kinda know it already. I plan not to contact her at all for about a month and see how she's doing because I'm worried. I asked her that she promise me she'll be okay but she couldn't do it... She's never had any success dating and this is the farthest she's went with someone and this hurt her more than ever.

I also plan on dedicating my life to becoming a millionaire in 3 years and show her that I actually mean she is beautiful and that I really meant to give her that life she wants more than anything. I am still struggling a bit to focus on my myself right now but I'm not too depressed or self destructive just out of focus. I've always been goal oriented to become wealthy and involved in self growth and plan to get back to it tomorrow. Now she is just a much bigger motivation for me to make it happen.

This just hit me so hard the past few days and I've never felt this much pain in my entire life. I feel like the worse thing that can come from me becoming wealthy from doing this is that Ashley will be financially well off to take care of herself and know that I was serious about my feelings and her. I really want to have that life we talked about by doing this. I even decided to stay a virgin till marriage because she is against that(not religious). Looking back now, I can't believe I said what I said. I want to fix things with her and really hope this isn't the end. What do you think?

We're both 21 by the way.

June 6, 2016

In short? Yes, you'd be insane to try to get her back.

She isn't emotionally stable. You shouldn't need to be constantly trying to prove yourself and your devotion to someone, particularly someone you hardly know. That is manipulation. This hot-cold, push-pull cycle is toxic and will get worse. As I read it, you only actually saw her in person a couple of times, correct? All of this talk about getting married and having kids is nuts, too. You don't even know this girl. There are serious red flags here. She has problems you cannot fix.

This is not all a result of your initial comment about her looks. She isn't mentally well. An emotionally healthy person wouldn't have painted you into a corner like that. What I am saying is that she needed a reason to pull away from you and that's what she blamed it on. If it wasn't that comment, it would have been something else. I guarantee it.

You need to question why you are so attached to this. Going door-to-door in her neighborhood is creepy, OP. You know that. I understand you didn't have a malicious intention but that is too much. You also need to learn some appropriate boundaries, it seems. Swearing to remain a virgin and become a millionaire in three years (??) for this girl tells me you do not have a solid sense of who you are and you are afraid you won't meet someone else. With all due respect, you lack perspective. It isn't healthy or very realistic to make grand proclamations like that for someone who treated you poorly.

I think a better use of your time and emotional energy would be to invest in yourself. It's great to set goals, but don't do it for a woman. Do it for you. At the risk of sounding blunt, have you had much dating experience? There are far better options out there, who will be consistent and not make you jump though hoops to be with them. You just need to make space in your life for them.

Finally, if she speaks of suicidal thoughts again, phone emergency services in your area (or her parents, if you have their number) This is not a game. I have a terrible feeling she is using that to manipulate you and keep you in your place, but do not take that risk. She needs the kind of help you cannot provide her.

June 6, 2016

You both sound like you could do with some therapy. This 'relationship' sounds like it lasted 2, maybe 3 dates tops. You're talking like you were together for a decade or something.

I think hormones are just on overdrive for both of you and you both need to find some sense of self worth before getting involved with other people.

June 6, 2016

You need more dating experience, because you sound like a lonely guy who hasn't had much success with women and latched onto the first one to show you any attention. Now you've built up this fantasy where you stay a virgin for her, become a millionaire for her, and then swoop in and save your damsel-in-distress.

Stop worrying about her. She's fine. She has spent most of her life without you, she's not going to be ruined now that your extremely short relationship is over.

Put yourself out there. Go places. Talk to girls. Just try to start a conversation with them. If they're not having it, move on to the next. But just get to know them and go from there. Don't go out looking for "the one."

It's over between you and her, which is a good thing, because neither of you two is ready for a relationship.

June 8, 2016

In short? Yes, you'd be insane to try to get her back.

She isn't emotionally stable. You shouldn't need to be constantly trying to prove yourself and your devotion to someone, particularly someone you hardly know. That is manipulation. This hot-cold, push-pull cycle is toxic and will get worse. As I read it, you only actually saw her in person a couple of times, correct? All of this talk about getting married and having kids is nuts, too. You don't even know this girl. There are serious red flags here. She has problems you cannot fix.

This is not all a result of your initial comment about her looks. She isn't mentally well. An emotionally healthy person wouldn't have painted you into a corner like that. What I am saying is that she needed a reason to pull away from you and that's what she blamed it on. If it wasn't that comment, it would have been something else. I guarantee it.

You need to question why you are so attached to this. Going door-to-door in her neighborhood is creepy, OP. You know that. I understand you didn't have a malicious intention but that is too much. You also need to learn some appropriate boundaries, it seems. Swearing to remain a virgin and become a millionaire in three years (??) for this girl tells me you do not have a solid sense of who you are and you are afraid you won't meet someone else. With all due respect, you lack perspective. It isn't healthy or very realistic to make grand proclamations like that for someone who treated you poorly..

ExpatInItaly, thank you for the feedback.

I thought things over for a couple days after reading the replys on here. As the days go by I'm coming back to myself and am not full of emotions like I was initially. I don't have lows anymore that distract me and I've become more logica when I think about this. Yes, you are right about her being emotionally unstable. There were red flags in the beginning that had me on edge and questioning her. She even told me she was incredibly unstable herself. The thing is, I still want to be with her because as of right now I like her for who she is. I also think it's wrong for me to just dismiss someone as a potential partner because of something they can't control or are born with. To me it's just not fair to the person if I stop liking them because of something like that.

I've always had big goals for myself like becoming rich and was always focused on my self improvement, development, etc.. I knew who I was, and what I wanted for myself and was working towards making that happen for me. I'm pretty confident in who I am. It's just that when she came along my whole priorities changed and it threw off my focus and direction which ended up being placed on her. Wanting to be with someone was one of the 3 most important things I wanted prior, but I guess it became top of the list once I met her. I've went further on more dates with one girl before and had another who expressed interest in me but, I felt much more for Ashley than those other girls. But yes I do have very limited dating experience, but I never thought of myself as being lonely, because I was focused on bettering myself and I wasn't out desperately looking for a girl.

I've always wanted to make millions of dollars, it's just that now I want to use her as one of my motivations to make it happen. After meeting her I now realize that it's not only about material things when getting wealthy and I'm glad I found that out from knowing her.

As to why I'm attached to this, I just like it for some reason. I know I don't want an average relationship but instead something intense. I wanted a girl that would be near obsessed with me and this was kinda like that. At first I was having second thoughts about it but now I'm into it. That's why I still want to be with her.

June 8, 2016

I wish you a lot of luck, as I suspect you have very low self-esteem and don't realize you can and should demand better. You don't deserve to be manipulated like that. I would also venture to say that you don't have much dating experience so you're latching on to this girl because you're so excited to finally have a woman in your life. You are making choices based on fear and insecurity, I believe. That is going to lead you in a very difficult direction. What you think is love and obsession are actually very unhealthy behaviors. I am speaking from experience, having dated a very unstable man. You can't save or fix her.

Proceed if you wish. Just understand that this situation will get worse and probably leave you very hurt.

June 8, 2016

That's why I still want to be with her.

But she has made it clear she doesn't want to be with you. Even ignoring the issues you two have, the simple fact is that she broke things off and doesn't want any contact from you, so pining for her is a waste of time.

June 9, 2016

You need more dating experience, because you sound like a lonely guy who hasn't had much success with women and latched onto the first one to show you any attention. Now you've built up this fantasy where you stay a virgin for her, become a millionaire for her, and then swoop in and save your damsel-in-distress.

Stop worrying about her. She's fine. She has spent most of her life without you, she's not going to be ruined now that your extremely short relationship is over.

Put yourself out there. Go places. Talk to girls. Just try to start a conversation with them. If they're not having it, move on to the next. But just get to know them and go from there. Don't go out looking for "the one."

It's over between you and her, which is a good thing, because neither of you two is ready for a relationship.

LD1990, thank you for your thoughts and advice. I never really felt lonely tho, since I'm generally very positive and happy with myself. Yes, I haven't had much success in the past but I never let it bring me down because I knew there will be a girl in my future. That wasn't really a fantasy I built up because I already was working towards being successful and making money. It's just now that after I met her, I see a deeper meaning in being successful and that it's not about material items for me like it was originally. I now want to do it for people I care about and after meeting her she would be one of my main motivations towards making money. I do worry about her because she hadn't had much success with this aswell and she's emotionally unstable so I was hoping she wouldn't take it worse than me. She was probably more excited about this than I was. I

To me, I see dating as something serious so I was not really into the idea of just going out with different girls because in doing that, I feel like I'm investing energy, time and emotions into something that very well may not work because we won't be serious to begin with. I think people take it as a game and something to just have fun with and therfore alot of girls out there probably wouldn't be serious about staying long term.

June 9, 2016

But she has made it clear she doesn't want to be with you. Even ignoring the issues you two have, the simple fact is that she broke things off and doesn't want any contact from you, so pining for her is a waste of time.

Even though I still want to be with her right now, it doesn't mean things may change in the coming weeks. I plan not to contact her for a month or a little more so I may end up meeting someone else, or she may not respond, or depending on what she says then yes I will move on.

I'm beginning to see what I can take from this and what to do going forward. Only Time will tell what happens here.

June 9, 2016

You both sound like you could do with some therapy. This 'relationship' sounds like it lasted 2, maybe 3 dates tops. You're talking like you were together for a decade or something.

I think hormones are just on overdrive for both of you and you both need to find some sense of self worth before getting involved with other people.

Buddhist, thanks for your insight. I'm far from needing thereapy lol. But yes, looking back now, I can see that some things I done were very questionable. I'm taking my lessons from this experience as I'm coming to myself again. I feel like this was mostly due to being lost in the moment.

June 9, 2016

the simple fact is that she broke things off and doesn't want any contact from you, so pining for her is a waste of time.

Yes that is true. I will definitely think it over in the coming days.

June 9, 2016

I wish you a lot of luck, as I suspect you have very low self-esteem and don't realize you can and should demand better. You don't deserve to be manipulated like that.You can't save or fix her.

Proceed if you wish. Just understand that this situation will get worse and probably leave you very hurt.

The last thing I suspected of myself was having low self esteem. But I didn't dismiss what was said here and did a little research. It seems I have some signs of that in a but it's not enough to say that my self esteem is low. In most of the other categories people with low self esteem are rated, I am far from low. I definitely plan on working on it and bringing it up in those areas where it's lacking. As for my decision, I'm still set on it, but I'm still thinking it over and anything can still change in the coming month.

Edited June 9, 2016 by S6Benz

June 9, 2016

I read the first sentence.... Only saw "dating web site"... Don't know anything else about anything. Just stopped reading...

OLD might as well be called "Que dating". Sometimes you're #1, sometimes you're #27... Nothing personal. Doesn't mean anything. Just the way it is. A partner may trade you in at anytime!!! As well so might you!! Get used to it. Weeks or months don't earn you sh*t!! You have to re-apply everyday!!

That's why I don't really care for it, and would rather meet someone through the old fashioned channels... By luck. By introduction. By work. Etc...

June 9, 2016

The last thing I suspected of myself was having low self esteem. But I didn't dismiss what was said here and did a little research. It seems I have some signs of that in a but it's not enough to say that my self esteem is low. In most of the other categories people with low self esteem are rated, I am far from low. I definitely plan on working on it and bringing it up in those areas where it's lacking. As for my decision, I'm still set on it, but I'm still thinking it over and anything can still change in the coming month.

Bro. So many dudes have low self-esteem based on today's societal variables.... It's not a sign of weakness or shame. Quite the opposite. Read this book today: "No More Mr. Nice Guy", by Dr. Robert Glover... You have no idea... Understand the messages. They're important!!

Edited June 9, 2016 by mtnbiker3000

June 9, 2016

Bro. So many dudes have low self-esteem based on today's societal variables.... It's not a sign of weakness or shame. Quite the opposite. Read this book today: "No More Mr. Nice Guy", by Dr. Robert Glover... You have no idea... Understand the messages. They're important!!

Well to me it's a weakness, but thank you for the book recommendation. I'm going to pick it up very soon.

June 9, 2016

I read the first sentence.... Only saw "dating web site"... Don't know anything else about anything. Just stopped reading...

OLD might as well be called "Que dating". Sometimes you're #1, sometimes you're #27... Nothing personal. Doesn't mean anything. Just the way it is. A partner may trade you in at anytime!!! As well so might you!! Get used to it. Weeks or months don't earn you sh*t!! You have to re-apply everyday!!

That's why I don't really care for it, and would rather meet someone through the old fashioned channels... By luck. By introduction. By work. Etc...

I met my boyfriend on Match.com. It does definitely work for some of us.

June 10, 2016

Well to me it's a weakness, but thank you for the book recommendation. I'm going to pick it up very soon.

Well, then you're just going to continue to rake yourself over the coals, while simultaneously doing nothing positive to address that issue.

June 10, 2016

She asks you to be honest, then resents you when you are. More like she's saying "tell me the truth, but only if it's something I want to hear". If she can't handle it, she shouldn't ask. Definitely some emotional instability here as the other posters have mentioned.

As I've read here once before, it is not ideal to be with someone because they need to be "saved" or "rescued". It's just a recipe for a bad relationship down the road. Find someone who has their **** together.

Edited June 10, 2016 by MIK3 WB

June 11, 2016

Well, then you're just going to continue to rake yourself over the coals, while simultaneously doing nothing positive to address that issue.

That doesn't make sense to me. If you want to fix something, you have to be honest with yourself first and then work on it because you don't like it.. What's the point in lying to myself that something is ok or be contempt with it? That definitely wouldn't motivate me to change.

July 4, 2016

Proceed if you wish. Just understand that this situation will get worse and probably leave you very hurt.

ExpatInItaly, I want to thank you again! I remembered what you said and prepared myself for it to come and it did.

I contacted her around a month later and we were back to talking like before. Things were looking good. But after a couple days of talking, out of nowhere she brings up her doubts again and told me that she was scared and stuff. So I didn't really try to convince her this time and she came to a decision that she couldn't overcome her problems to be with me. I'm not really sad or heartbroken like before because I now see being with her wouldn't have been good for me anyways.

I don't want to be with her and don't plan on contacting her again. I want to move forward. The problem is, I don't know why I'm thinking about her. Not being with her, but I think about just how the whole thing happened, why she did it, doubts about some things I said to her etc..

Hopefully I can get her out of my mind now...

I can't believe how crazy I was thinking when I wrote this post and made those plans

July 4, 2016

I just wanna say thanks for the advice and input on the situation!

I ended up contacting her around a month later and we were back to talking like before. Things were looking good. But after a couple days of talking, out of nowhere she brings up her doubts again and told me that she was scared and stuff. So I didn't really try to convince her this time and she came to a decision that she couldn't overcome her problems to be with me. I'm not really sad or heartbroken like before because I now see being with her wouldn't have been good for me anyways.

I don't want to be with her and don't plan on contacting her again. I want to move forward. The problem is, I don't know why I'm thinking about her. Not being with her, but I think about just how the whole thing happened, why she did it, doubts about some things I said to her etc..

Hopefully I can get her out of my mind now...

It's just now that I can't believe how crazy over her I was. Also when I wrote this post and made those plans lol!

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