Janalise Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 I have been in a long term relationship for three years now, he is my first love, and I am really struggling. Everything was fine up until maybe this last year. We began to argue a lot, and things got rocky. Eventually he cheated on me with my best friend. After A LOT of deliberating, I decided to take him back. That was a few months ago. Since then things have been a little better, except that I have been feeling a bit neglected by him. I only get to see him on the weekends, and when we aren't together he barely talks to me, or calls once a night, discusses what he wants to and then goes to bed. The last straw for me occurred just a week ago. A bit after I took him back he said that we would begin looking for a place together if I couldn't find one by June (I am starting Grad school in the fall, and he was planning on moving out of his parents place). The end of May arrived and I started to look for a place for the both of us. When I told him about a potential place, he said he wants to live with his friends instead of me. I got really upset and broke up with him, because I am sick of dealing with his empty promises and lies. We had a few arguments following the break up, in which I tried to explain that I don't want to continue to live separately and feel neglected, as things are great between us when we are together. Although he agreed, he doesn't want to do a lease because he hates his job. I am scared for a future where we continue to live in separate places and I am still neglected. My intentions in breaking up with him were not to create a "live with me or we are over" ultimatum, but we do seem to be at a stalemate. He essentially he thinks that I should "change my outlook" on the situation and just deal with it. But I have done everything his way from the beginning of the relationship until now. I dont know what to do, because I love him, and am having a really hard time staying broken up. I feel like a part of me is missing without him. I want to go back, but feel like nothing will change if I do. It seems my choices are to be miserable without him, or unhappy with him.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 (edited) The last straw should have been when he cheated with your best friend. Seriously, girl. You need boundaries. And a new best friend. Forget this clown of a boyfriend. This isn't love. Don't sell yourself so short. You need to stop telling yourself you will be miserable without him. Don't be so limiting. Sooner or later, he will leave. He's already shown you he isn't in love with you. Get some self-respect and demand more for yourself. That involves closing the door on him for good. Edited June 6, 2016 by ExpatInItaly
Buddhist Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 I have been in a long term relationship for three years now, he is my first love, and I am really struggling. Everything was fine up until maybe this last year. We began to argue a lot, and things got rocky. So you have very little relationship experience? Okay well the things getting rocky at around the 2-3yr mark is pretty normal. The arguing yes normal too, as you now both know each other well enough to be frustrated and annoyed by each other. Eventually he cheated on me with my best friend. Okay I know you deliberated and all that but really this right here is a deal breaker. I'll tell you why. He is clearly demonstrating where he is at emotionally with this relationship. He's done with it, he no longer cares about his connection to you. He slept not just with another girl but your close friend, knowing full well it would probably be the end of the both of you. I have been feeling a bit neglected by him. I only get to see him on the weekends, and when we aren't together he barely talks to me, or calls once a night, discusses what he wants to and then goes to bed. Because he is done with this relationship, he's checked out of it. He no longer cares. he said he wants to live with his friends instead of me. I got really upset and broke up with him, because I am sick of dealing with his empty promises and lies. He makes empty promises and lies because he is done with this relationship. He doesn't want it and is provoking you on purpose so that you now walk away. There is no point trying to hang onto this person, he doesn't want you anymore. It's very clear in his actions. I am scared for a future where we continue to live in separate places and I am still neglected. It seems my choices are to be miserable without him, or unhappy with him. There is no future with him, period. He accepts you back because you offer it. Not because he wants you in his life. He is showing all the signs of someone with no emotional investment in the relationship. This is where many relationships eventually end up. A part of you isn't missing when he's not there, it's just the shock of change and not having the familiarity. You will overcome this in time. If you keep trying to hang onto this non-relationship all that will happen is he will start dating someone else without ever telling you and you'll find out months later about his GF. Save yourself that agony. It sucks that a relationship has run it's course but it will be easier for you when you accept that this is what has happened.
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