GF lying about drug-taking

[randomusername12]

Looking for some perspectives, or general advice on a situation I am in.

 

Long story short, my girlfriend is taking drugs behind my back, and "holding them for people" in my own house and I don't know whether to break up with her over it.

 

Some background:

I am a British male living in the UK, romantically involved with a Thai girl. I met her about 5 years ago while she was in the UK looking for work (she'd worked here previously but her visa had finished). She moved in with me while I lived at my dad's house about 4 years ago, then when I bought my own house about 18 months ago. We are aged 38/39.

 

I work full time, semi-professional, in a decently paid job. I enjoy a drink on a weekend, have great parents, great friends; never been in trouble with the law, was a bit of a swot at school, enjoy the simple pleasures in life and strongly prefer things done above board and by-the-book - if you get my meaning.

 

I love this girl, and I strive to make her happy however I can, whenever I can, but it has been a Hellish ride. To be honest, if I were to describe some of the events of the past 4-5 years with her, you'd likely assume I was "trolling" the forum. I sincerely am not! Even my best mate finds some of my situations utterly mind-blowing, but he knows me (and my girlfriend), so knows it to be the truth.

 

The most notable situation was probably when she was implicated in a "kidnapping" and had to check in with the local police station on bail for ten or so weeks. All the while the home office had her passport as she was applying for her Indefinite Leave to Remain visa (which I was paying for), so the decision on that was always hanging in the wind. Also, during this time, her step-father (back in Thailand) died and money that was left to her got "collected" by her mom who proceeded to gamble it all away (my GF couldn't return to Thailand to sort this out due to her passport situation). It was a very stressful time! Subsequently the CPS threw the charges out, as they believed the whole "kidnapping" thing was too shrouded by the difference in UK vs Thai culture. This did not detract from the fact though, that the people she was hanging around with were trouble and people I no longer wanted her to have anything to do with.

 

Whenever we have made it through such times, I have just chalked it up as something which has made us stronger. As in, I have proven how committed I am to her. Additionaly, I always convice myself that she's learnt a lesson (who not to trust, who not to consider friends, how the UK is different to her home country etc).

 

My girlfriend is lovely and sweet but she is easily led, very gullible, has zero money-sense and very ignorant/naive with regard to UK law. In my mind, it feels like she just thinks she can jet back to Thailand should she get into any trouble.

 

So that's a bit about our history together and who we are. There's lots more but I'm trying to limit it down to just what's relevant or useful to know!

 

A few years ago we were in Thailand on holiday, and she bought some ice (as-in 'meth') from a local friend. When I found out about it back in the hotel room I went mad and we had a row. The hotel was all booked in my name etc so the prospect of some local Thai police kicking my hotel door down scared the beejesus out of me, naturally!

 

Now I have smoked cannabis when I was much younger, and tried LSD and speed once but drugs never really "floated my boat". I've always been satisfied with a relaxing beer (or ten) over anything else. I know my girlfriend had taken some drugs in her past (she was by no means a druggie), but in the years I'd known her and been living with her I hadn't observed any drug-taking or behaviour of such.

 

So, there we are in this hotel room and she talks me into trying it for one night, then chucking the rest. Admittedly, I had a good night! So did she. I woke up the next morning happy with the experience. She commenced to smoke the rest. I told her to stop and she kept justifying it along the lines of "well, we've already paid for it, so might as well use it" etc. This went on for two or three days and I couldn't control her. It's like something just clicked in her and she was instantly addicted. She ended up having to contact another local friend's wife (the friend works for some Thai police unit) who had access to some "come-down" drug for ice addicts. God knows if this stuff exists - I don't know anything about drugs! But I'm in her country so have to go along with what she's saying. So she gets this other drug and it knocks her out for like 12 hours (as was advised). She awoke the next day and claimed to feel much better. I told her this could never happen again! (she'd learnt her lesson?)

 

Moving on, it's now about 3 years later and a couple of weeks ago I just suddenly notice that she's spending a lot of time in our downstairs toilet. It could have been going on for weeks, but I never really noticed until now. So I start paying more attention, and it's like every hour of the day, she's in there for 20 mins. The more I listen the more I'm hearing suspicious noises, like coughing (not unusual by itself, but given the circumstances...), then today I was sure I heard a lighter being lit. She doesn't smoke!

 

So, she emerges from the toilet and I make sure I happen to be passing, and she's clutching a curious little bag which she immediately attempts to conceal. So I confront her. It gets heated and it turns out she has a small bag of mephedrone. I go ape about it and she gives me some story that she's just looking after it for a friend, but her friend said she could have a little if she wanted. She continues on, delivering really feeble excuses and explanations but the whole "sneaking around MY house with drugs that she KNOWS I'd be upset about" keeps playing over in my mind. So I confirm with her that the bag is her friend's? She says yes. I take it and flush it, saying "it's mine now".

 

We have a big chat about it - she assures me she's not addicted at all, it was just there, so she took it (not sure how happy her "friend" is going to be about how much she was taking...!). So the situation settles down and she goes downstairs. I can't help myself but go nosing through some of her stuff. What do I instantly find? A full bag of the same drug! So, I have taken that too, now awaiting for her to realize to see if she confronts me. I honestly don't know how much she might have hidden amongst her things - I didn't fancy looking any further.

So even now, after this big row over drugs (again), she continues to lie to me about how much she has (or even about everything related to it).

 

I have been Googling this drug for the past hour and found myself reading blog posts, articles, forum posts etc about drugs such as this, and largely it doesn't seem to be considered *that* bad of a drug (amongst non-authorities, I stress!). So am I just being a wet lettuce? I mean if I caught her smoking a spliff in the back garden one day with friends, I probably wouldn't care, but pretty much any other drug - I have problems with.

 

I really don't know whether I'm over-reacting or whether I should consider ending the whole thing.

 

If I ended it, I honestly don't think she'll have any where to go. She currently has no job and any friends she has are the type who give her drugs to "hold" or get into involved in "kidnapping"! If she returned to Thailand, she's got no family home (her mom sold it to fund gambling/drinking habits!), she'd also forfeit any chance of applying for British citizenship. Her brother died last month and she also has a 21-year old daughter who's recently been diagnosed with thyroid cancer, so I'd feel like a right ass for kicking her out on the street when she has such bad luck. Not to blow my own horn, but I do genuinely believe I'm the best thing that's really ever happened to her in a very long time.

 

Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thank you for reading.

 

E

[VeveCakes]

Do you mean methadone?

 

Yes it is a very bad drug. It's used to help opiate users get over their addiction but becomes an addiction itself. Normally users drink it, smoking it ups the potency. Most ppl who use this use it when they can't get real Meth or heroine. I would bet my life your gf is a big meth user.

 

Meth is the worst drug around. You will never be able to trust this person if they are using. She is signing her life away. You can try and get her into rehab, but if she refuses, I would run for the hills.

[Shanex]

Definitely a deal breaker. And that comes from someone whos had his fair share of blunts and... Ehh a few other stuffs.

 

Plus shes almost 40. If she was a college student wanting to experience things like that Id understand because I followed the same road. At this age though its time to growup.

 

Such drugs have a deep impact on someones mood and depression in the long run. Not to mention the addiction and the $$$.

 

So rehab or cut her loose if she dont want to quit by herself. You dont have to put up with so much idiocy.

[seamos]

What you've described makes me believe she's got to have a pretty strong addiction going. More than just recreational use I think.

 

One thing I strongly believe, after much experience, is that an addict (esp. meth) will not be able to have a healthy relationship with someone who doesn't use.

 

It's just not going to happen.

 

It sounds like she could be trouble to have around and I don't think you really owe it to her to mess up your life trying to help her.

[Poppyolive]

Sadly you're enabling her. Your fear of what may happen to her is what has you locked in. She ticks all the boxes of a user, and, frankly, someone who has unhealthy boundaries.

 

What are you going to do for you?

[almond]

Do you mean methadone?

 

Yes it is a very bad drug. It's used to help opiate users get over their addiction but becomes an addiction itself. Normally users drink it, smoking it ups the potency. Most ppl who use this use it when they can't get real Meth or heroine. I would bet my life your gf is a big meth user.

 

Meth is the worst drug around. You will never be able to trust this person if they are using. She is signing her life away. You can try and get her into rehab, but if she refuses, I would run for the hills.

 

Methadone and mephedrone are very different drugs: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mephedrone

[bathtub-row]

I can't imagine why you're still with this girl. Dump her, like yesterday.

[randomusername12]

Thank you all for your replies. And even moreso for taking the time to read my post and take it seriously. I owe you all a debt of gratitude!

 

I'm pretty sure it's mephedrone she's taking (Mephedrone | FRANK) as she refers to it as 'mcat'. Maybe it was methodrone she used to break it back when we were on holiday?

 

The reason I've only just come to this conclusion is that I've been working from home lately, and noticed the frequent bathroom visits, but despite this she's behaved very normal around me.

 

She cooks for me, cleans the house, does my laundry; we do spend time together going out, watching films etc. As regards to work, she's always trying her own ventures, mainly selling online. Right now she's importing some popular Thai range of beauty products and selling them to Thai people living in the UK. She never makes a great deal of money, but it seems to keep her busy.

 

My point is that she's not what I'd immediately label as an obvious drug user with a major dependency/problem. She doesn't just lie around the house half "out of it" all day, talk nonsense; she'd not underweight or looks ill or withdrawn in the face.

 

My brother was an alcoholic for over 10 years, now recovering and clean for about 12 months (he's still active in all the support groups and now mentors others). So I'm familiar with what people are like. The lies, the deceit, the behaviour. I just never picked up on it with her.

Edited June 6, 2016 by randomusername12

[lucy_in_disguise]

She is a drug addict. Normal people dont casually smoke speed in their late 30s, by themselves at home in the bathroom.

 

Maybe she is a functioning drug addict right now, but that may change further into her addiction.

 

I think you need to ask yourself if this is the path you are interested in going down. I'd run.

[todreaminblue]

i have watched people i love around me succumb to addiction to meth and i can let you know with surety that you cant help them...they lie for one... i am on a sinking ship trying to stay afloat....i cant give up...they are my family...but i am constantly facing failures.......disappointment...heart break.....and deceit.helplessness...and sinking hope..im also facing spiteful actions against me when i cut off money supplies.... ...hatred and a personal court date...all to do with addictions of those i love....

 

 

but you can leave.....the relationship you have and the love she has is for drugs not you...

 

 

you dont have to go down with the ship......let her go her own way....deb

[Emilia]

Haha men are so gullible. She isn't some innocent 'girl', please stop referring to her that way, she is a woman.

 

People who grow up outside the spoilt West are much more wise and worldly. She is obviously smart enough to act subservient around you so that she has roof over her head but she knows what she is doing, believe me.

 

She is an addict, as the others are saying.

[Emilia]

By the way OP, is there a way of confirming whether the story about her inheritance from her step-father is true? Just curious that it would have coincided with her not having her passport (I thought it could be requested back from the Home Office in an emergency?)

 

I wouldn't be surprised if this was fed to you to make her look even more dependent on you.

[randomusername12]

Thank all for the continued advice. I am reading every reply thoroughly!

 

In response to Emilia's question, no I'm afraid I never had any concrete evidence in regards to the inheritance. Yes, we could have requested her passport back from the HO, but 1) Under the bail conditions she wasn't allowed to leave the country anyway and 2) I'd have lost my ~£1500 visa fee and the 6 or so weeks we'd been currently waiting on the verdict/processing.

[Emilia]

Thank all for the continued advice. I am reading every reply thoroughly!

 

In response to Emilia's question, no I'm afraid I never had any concrete evidence in regards to the inheritance. Yes, we could have requested her passport back from the HO, but 1) Under the bail conditions she wasn't allowed to leave the country anyway and 2) I'd have lost my ~£1500 visa fee and the 6 or so weeks we'd been currently waiting on the verdict/processing.

I really think you should get out of this. This woman is scamming you.

 

You sound like a nice guy, a little naive perhaps, not sure how much experience you have with women. A lot of people WANT to live in the UK and will do anything to set themselves up here, you are being exploited!

[Lady Hamilton]

Looking for some perspectives, or general advice on a situation I am in.

 

Long story short, my girlfriend is taking drugs behind my back, and "holding them for people" in my own house and I don't know whether to break up with her over it.

 

Yes, you should. Immediately.

[misspond]

She's scamming you.

[mrs rubble]

I have been in your position, my bf was secretly using meth- when I found out, I kicked him out- he also had nowhere to go and no family. He found a place to go. No way was I prepared to risk my home and security for his habit, he knew how I felt about drugs, it was his problem, not mine.