jewels2 Posted June 5, 2016 Posted June 5, 2016 Hello, I'm new as of last night and already you have been helpful. I met him professionally in the fall of 2009. It quickly went personal (I hit on him). He accepted my advance and we became very tight quickly. It was wonderful for several months. He is an angry man because he lost his business with the crash of 2008 (I'm convinced he is angry by nature). This was the third time that he lost a fortune. He has vowed to get his "old life back". He is 53 and has never married. His greatest love is money. I think it is important to note that he still frequently talks about his parents' divorce that happened 37 years ago. It still upsets him. He has also recently alienated some friends and even yelled at his mother, about her divorce among other things. I helped in those early days after the bust. I am a business owner as well but I survived. We worked together and while we had great chemistry, he always criticized how I did things. So, I tried to improve. And did! However, it was never good enough for him and he was always angry with me. I broke it off with him. But, we got back together again (I do not remember who initiated it) quickly. That cycle has never stopped. But, for some reason, I wanted him. I adored him. I loved his energy, his look, his strength, and our chemistry. I am a strong woman, too, and felt that I could handle his anger. My self esteem was strong, so I could handle it. Well, the past six years have taken a toll. He regularly walks out on me. I have walked out on him a few times, too, when I get fed up. And, we always get back together. He has asked me to marry him (I have been married twice). I said that I would but not until we got through a year without him walking out on me, which has never happened. Everyone knows how dysfunctional our relationship is/was. When he gets angry and blows up (I never really understood what or when he would explode) he lashes out and verbally abuses me. I could tell you 50 stories of his irrationality. In 2014 I finally said no more. I didn't see him for a few months. But, I missed "the good him" terribly and when he called when I was on vacation (I went alone), I couldn't wait to get home to see him. Well, the pattern began again very quickly. All the while he gets angry for reasons that really do not exist. He conjures up what he thinks is happening, and gets all angry about it when he doesn't have his facts straight. It always pertains to business . Though, we haven't done business together for the past year but he still gets angry over how I run mine (but I make more money then him at the moment, which I think has something to do with his anger. He is macho and I do not believe he can accept a woman doing better than him). About 3 weeks ago, after he was discussing again how I fail to make his life better, how I have never done anything to improve his life, I broke it off with him again. And again, after a couple of weeks, I contacted him and spent the night with him (two nights ago). But, he was cold and distant this time. He was done. Finally. And, I need to be too. I looked online to find out why woman love mean/angry men. There I found a thread from here that has helped me. So, I am here reading and finding out what I really already know. It is OVER and should have been for a long, long time. A man whose greatest love is money will never be a good mate. I have worked for years to earn his respect, but he still does not respect me. He even tells me so. But it is SO difficult. It is like an addiction. I feel the pains of withdrawal. I have been crying all day and cannot get out of bed. Before I always thought that we would be together, now I know we will never be again. All the dreams that we have shared, will not come to fruition. I know what I have to do, and with your help, I will get past this. I have gotten past two divorces, which were not as difficult for some reason. This one is so much harder, for some reason. But, it is finally over. It seems surreal to me.
todreaminblue Posted June 5, 2016 Posted June 5, 2016 (edited) so it has been two nights since you were together...letting go is actually far easier than hanging on........mightnt seem like it...but i am telling you the truth...when you have been holding on for so long...you dont know any other way than to fight to hang on...and that is what your heart is doing...its hanging on and hanging on...you hang on to the littlest thread of hope......and even though you say you know its done...you arent being truthful on here or to yourself are you? i was like this ....i am a fighter.a never give up attitude.my greatest strengths become my weakest....if its to hang on to the wrong people and destroy myself doing so......and ill hang on and hang on till i rip myself to shreds doing so..... what happens then is that it becomes my soul focus......other areas in my life then lack the nurture i need to provide to thrive.....i neglect looking after me....and the ones who do love me.....you need to find balance to get over this...you need to work on aspects of your life that you have neglected thinking about or dealing with...you need to heal basically.....you do that by making your focus about you...and not the other person...... do things you love to do.......journal everyday....theres a coping thread on here if you want to share how you are feeling with other people who are going through similar situations and it bumps up regularly...try to do something positive for you and concentrate on healing you every day...just one thing....and build on that...reconnect with someone you have neglected while you have been busy fighting to hang on...allow yourself to feel what you feel and write it out......but then leave it and do something else...like help another......think about when you are ready volunteering your time somewhere....time you dotn need to spend with that other person....a soup kitchen at night at your local church....even if you do this...with a negative spirit...i promise when you see others struggling and you contribute to them having an easier time...it builds your reserves of feel good emotions..... i often try to offer advice on here more when i am struggling....because i feel purposeful...like i have a reason for being...i struggle with suicidal thoughts and have tried to commit suicide...normally i go to hospital and they dose me up...i cant dothe dose thing anymore........and this is me using part of a holistic approach to my own mental health management...a pay it forward approach...i hardly ever write my own threads......but when i do ...its because im drowning and i need a boost fast...i need words written to me...not voices.....and i manage..........i have been blessed to have people on here...care about what i write.....to care for me...with understanding truth and compassion....try it.... remain strong its been two days......make your heart resolved to heal....and get through this without contact from this guy and think about what you want out of life......write down your hopes and dreams...and dont make any of those hopes and dreams about this ex of yours....... im here for you.....as will others be....best wishes...deb Edited June 5, 2016 by todreaminblue
Author jewels2 Posted June 5, 2016 Author Posted June 5, 2016 Thank you, Deb. I am being honest. Tho, I have said the same thing 50 times, this time is different. It HAS to be. I am sorry that you cope with suicidal thoughts. That has to be painful. If you feel better by helping others, this is the place to be! A broken heart is more painful than a broken leg, and heals much slower. We all know that. As I lie here in bed all day, my mind bounces back and forth between the horrible things he has done, to the wonderful times, to trying to shake him from my thoughts altogether, to crying over a future that I must let go of, to trying to create another possible scenario for my future. I cannot tell anybody here what I'm going through because they won't believe that this really is the last end. They don't even want to hear it. Nobody will listen to me. But, I know that I have to get up tomorrow. I have to stand tall and put a smile on my face. I suspect that will feel better than lying here crying all day. I hope you will do that, too. 1
todreaminblue Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 smilin.....read your post you just wrote to me and see how your natural inclination lies in supporting.......you are a supportive person...... ill be fine..im a survivor......i just struggle some times.....and you struggle too...and you will be fine..... jewels...you need to know...i am listening....i am not special on here..others will listen too...we all ..yourself included have a desire to support and feel supported...i support you and what you do...even when it might be a step back..i am stepping back with you.....and ill try to help you step forward......im glad you are honest......you have to be...on here..it allows others to se eexactly where you are coming from adn give you informed advice.....but more so with yourself its the most important thing....is to be honest...:0)...hugs from me to you.....deb 1
whatnot Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 (edited) I'm sittin' here watchin' the NBA basketball Finals. You know this jewels...it doesn't matter what anyone on this forum thinks. It doesn't matter what anyone any where thinks. As a matter of fact it doesn't even matter what your buddy thinks. It's what you think. That's all that matters jewels. Jewels. You're gonna get out of that bed and you're going to reclaim your life. How do I know? Because I do. You dont.need a bunch of stories to relate to. You've learned already...there's a whole Lotta this going around. (Much more than I could have ever suspected anyway). I believed mine was so different. Divorced in 2006. A cakewalk compared to this. I've got money. My ex has money. We dreamed of a future where money would play no role. And to be honest? It never really did! That was about the only thing we were right about though. The unseen demons that lie dormant. They awoke... We were so happy! The times we were together. It was a long distance relationship. 3 hrs apart. The times we weren't apart? Ugly early. And ugly often. Well...that made around....ummm...3 1/2 weeks a month very, very ugly. I'm no contact. What I'm learning is that "No Contact" is really is nothing just a fancy name for a detox facility on Lover's Lane. It's keeps one from their drug of choice. And that drug jewels...The most powerfully addictive and potent drug known to man. Don't be thinking I'm just talking to hear myself talk (even though I may be, it makes no less true). What you are fighting is a physiological withdrawal. A chemical in our brain is literally kicking our collective behinds. You can do this. We're alike. We don't need help. But here we are. On the internet. Who would a thought? Take care of yourself jewels. I'm probably one of the oldest members on this board. I couldn't do this alone. But...I've gotten better. I worked out today. I fought cancer jewels. Lol THAT was a cakewalk compared to this. Please. Hang in there jewels. You are much much much too important to let this continue to hurt you. That's all I've got. EDIT: I lied. Comin' off a 7 year bender with this woman. And it Hurst like a ....well....you know how bad it hurts. It's better though. There's times in my day when I don't just ruminate on the "the problem" now. I know in my intellect...it's now officially over. And that is lol SO much of a turning point. It's making it way down. Down to me heart. :-) Edited June 6, 2016 by whatnot 1
Author jewels2 Posted June 6, 2016 Author Posted June 6, 2016 Thank you, Whatnot. It's too bad that there is such a disconnect between the head and the heart. But, I can tell you that the folks here have helped me tremendously on this day one. The message of No Contact has been heard loud and clear. And, I hope that ToDreamInBlue is accurate when she suggests that letting go is easier than hanging on. I know that I tried and tried to hold on. I almost think that part of the pain is in not being successful in my quest. I'm not one that likes to fail at anything. Thank you again, and I hope you can move on totally sooner than later as well. 1
Giggles666 Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 //I know that I tried and tried to hold on. I almost think that part of the pain is in not being successful in my quest. I'm not one that likes to fail at anything.// You did not fail, there is no quest. You are you and you can't control other folks' feelings, wants, and desires. If he is an angry man, and you realize it...you can not change him. That's him not you. Easier said than done to move on, but you can do it. As I said, you did not fail...you prevailed and just do not realize it yet. One day you will realize there is something better for you out there, and that without this "failure" you would not have had this success that can and will come into your life once you get past this. Best of luck, you can do this. 1
Author jewels2 Posted June 6, 2016 Author Posted June 6, 2016 Thank you, Giggles. That is another reason that I believe I hung in there for so long. I want a partner to grow old with so badly. I hope that you are right. I hope that there is someone out there looking for me, too. 1
Author jewels2 Posted June 14, 2016 Author Posted June 14, 2016 It's been two weeks. I did text once last Sunday (Shame on me!) I said I was thinking about him and hoped he thought about me occasionally, too. And that he should call me for lunch some day. He answered Ok. and I sent a smiley. UGH! WHY WHY WHY did I do that?!?!?!?!??! I could shoot myself! Of course he didn't write anything else and now I am DYING to text again. Please, somebody PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY! What is wrong with me?!?! I feel like a druggie going thru withdrawal. :-(
Frank13 Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 That's because you are. Many of us have been there. It's an addition and you have to go through withdrawal. Can you delete his phone and email address and block them or do you have them memorized?
whatnot Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 (edited) LOL... Listen Jewels.... If there's anything lol else that's just absolutely, positively eating your lunch and you're jonesing for a fix of you favorite drug again...and you can't help but ask or tell him so you have to text.....here what I did twice the day I told her I was going no contact... I texted my ex twice that day AFTER I blocked her. (I blocked her answers). That way....you can be civil...you can say what it is you're saying or asking...but you won't have to feel the pain of having to listen to the answer. Because you already know the answer...you already know what their position is on EVERYTHING about your relationship. ...you don't need to hear it again or probably an even worse version of it again. I did that twice the day I went NO CONTACT. So...to this day I have no idea if she texted me back or of knowing what she said if she did text back. I just did it twice. But...sometimes we just gotta do what we gotta do. Lol...your post is funny... Edited June 15, 2016 by whatnot
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