Happenstousall Posted June 5, 2016 Posted June 5, 2016 So i'm new to the forum even though we broke up a year ago. For reasons i'll get into, it was hard at the time but its even harder today. We met about 5 1/2 years ago and had a long distance relationship. I liked my ex but wasn't in love. My ex had a breakdown and no real support network where she lived. It was a shared house and she was told to leave. We were far enough into our relationship (5 months) for me to feel a sense of responsibility and i wanted to help. I was due to move house anyway so, being the one with a reasonably well paying job it made sense to move her to my area. So, at short notice I managed to find us somewhere to live, the area looked perfect and we managed to move both of us within a couple of weeks. I guess i've always been a bit irritable, especially when stressed. Usually i just vent verbally and that gets it out of my system. With her not being entirely strong emotionally at the time, apparently it scared her but there was no rage inside, just a way to get it out. She wasn't used to it and if i'm honest, I didn't explain it well simply because I didn't fully understand/appreciate it until recently. To cut a long story short, we lived together for the next four years, often it was a very happy and loving relationship. I definitely fell in love with her over the first year. We talked of marriage but i couldn't commit to it, it just felt to me like it should be a lifetime commitment and i wasn't ready to make that so early. Because of her mental health issues, and probably not helped by my occasionally "ventings" she would go missing and threaten to kill herself. On more than one occasion I had to come back from work and get the police and social services involved. But these were flare-ups, they weren't how things were most of the time but they scared me a lot and she would always ask me to look after her and i would. At one point it was suggested by social services that this wasn't necessarily all MH related but may have been "bad behaviour" on her part. Coupled with the fact she would drink to excess and often lie about it, this started to sew the seeds of our downfall. We grew distant but i felt that we were kind of kindred spirits and we had a strong loving bond and were close companions and best friends. For me, these things are the essentials for a relationship and couples will sometimes drift apart for a bit but often return to how things were, if not better. And this was the cycle we were on for a few years. Towards the end, as it turned out to be, I found it more difficult to be around her, she shared little with me and i with her. We were going to arrange a visit to her family in another part of the country for us to have a little time on our own. This had happened before and helped us move forwards. One day I was at work and she told me she was away for her visit. It wasn't when we'd planned so i was worried she was leaving me. Turned out she was. A month later she came with her family for most of her possessions but her family rushed her and she left much behind. Throughout this time we spoke amicably and I always felt there was love and respect there on both sides. We were getting on OK in this way so whilst we had broken up, it felt like there was a small chance we might get back together. She messaged me earlier this year saying she wanted to come back. I had been trying to move on as time had passed but i was so elated at this (you might wonder why but i'll get to it) that i said she could, of course. She quickly changed her mind because the reasons she wanted to leave her family had changed. I felt a bit used and hurt but didn't make a big deal about it. We did decide though we would have a short break and we planned that for last week. My intention was to show her that we could have an enjoyable time, treat her (i felt she deserved a treat) and we could talk about things. In between us breaking up and this point i'd lost a little weight through exercise and had started to understand why i would vent when stressed - i suffer (it turns out) from anxiety and this is part of it. In the meantime, she went to a concert which she'd waited a long time for, I was a bit concerned she might meet someone there, call it intuition. When she was back, her tone changed a little and she seemed a little less connected with me. We kept talking and there was something said that related (possibly) to her having met someone. I said that I couldn't cope with knowing anything about that and asked her not to tell me. I hoped she'd at least give us a chance during our break before moving on. After five years I know i wouldn't give anyone else a chance til i'd talked it out and seen the person. But maybe that's just me. Our trip was enjoyable but very bittersweet as she was a lot colder to me than i'd ever known and was clearly uncomfortable with me telling her how i felt. asking questions about our possible future. She made it clear that we were over and said a couple of things I found a bit hurtful but would expect from someone who was moving on whilst the other hadn't. Anyway, it felt like the last time we'd ever see each other which made me incredibly sad. She left and I cried (not for the first time that week - and that's not easy for me to say as a man). She sent me some messages so i knew she got home safely and was quiet afterwards. This was expected because the night before she'd said we probably shouldn't speak every day. I think that was for both our benefits. Before she left i said that I would let her make contact and follow her lead, seeing as we were both in very different places. I felt tortured all that day and just didn't know what to do any more - just in general. I felt totally lost and worse than the day she left, It felt far more brutal and final. Now i've seen a new profile pic and i have to assume this is the new guy. She's done nothing wrong with that and neither has he but it destroyed me. I cried so much I was sick - never happened to me before. Since she said she wanted to come back, although she quickly changed her mind, it's been all i could think of. So now it feels like the very definite end but i don't want it to be. I feel that now I know why i respond to things as I do and that i have made some progress since i last saw her (more to go but isn't there always?) we could work much better. I love her more than anyone i've ever known and think she's my soulmate. I started a diary as a way of expressing things I can't say to her any more (said enough when we were on our holiday) "All i want to do is be allowed to love you for the rest of my life" I wrote about how i'd change all the things that didn't work about me if only i'd get a chance. I admit, I took her for granted when we were together and this weekend i've been praying to god for more time in her presence. This isn't me, feel i'm going a bit mad and making a big deal about it. But for me, it IS a big deal. I feel guilty for how i was and some of my actions (but it wasn't just me), i feel sad for the future we've lost and i'm devastated that the changes i have/can continue to make will never be able to benefit her and us. I feel that making those changes to benefit someone I don't even know now is going to render them less significant even though logically i know that isn't right. She messaged me earlier, I think just to make sure she knows i didn't do anything silly last night. Have no intention of it but do feel very down. I think i'm going to have to cut contact from now for both our benefits. She's entitled to live her life and move on. If that makes her happy then how could I object? At the same time, If I have to move on for my own good then this is probably the only way. Breaks my heart to think about disconnecting from the person I wanted to grow old with but what else can I do? If you read this rambling monologue then thank you. I've wrote it partly because I can't say it to her and partly because i'd value your thoughts and comments. Please note though, you seem like an empathetic bunch and i'm surely in line for some criticism for various reasons but please, be gentle with that if you could, i'm feeling pretty feeble right now.
whatnot Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 Wow. I didn't think there was anyone else there with circumstances similar to mine. But here you are. My relationship was long distance ad well. We met online and talked on the phone several weeks before actually meeting. These phone calls...They'd go for hours. We just talked and talked and laughed and laughed. We thought so much alike. We became fairly close before we ever actually met. So when we first met...it was just like meeting someone you felt as if you'd known all of your life. It was so exciting. So much fun. This continued for a year or two. Things began to slow down. And down. And down. She slowly had less and less time. It petered until we saw each other once a month and the phone calls were always "perfunctory". Then it became to where she couldn't plan at all. It would leave me hanging. I couldn't call her...she was always "working". She also has alot of socializing to fo. Quite the socialite she was. So the phone calls could only go one way. And the plans to see one another were never concrete. I balked. She blamed me for "not wanting her to work" and I resented being with someone on who's priority list I came in on ranked at #17. Then...i was diagnosed with cancer. The whole treatment thing lasted a year or so. But...we weren't seeing each other, but we hadn't broken up either. It was as if it'd just progressed to the point that it was like being in a relationship in my own imagination. We just formally broke up in the last few weeks. But...it's been a process in the making for a year and a half. Two weeks ago she calls and let's me know she's seeing someone else. It devastated me. I read somewhere that a breakup of a long distance relationship that has lasted for years can be one of the most difficult kinds of breakups. That goes contrary to what one would normally think. But the author's reasoning seems sound enough. 1) You've both put so much more effort into it. And... 2) The future that's lost. The future can seem so much "brighter" than closer relatioships as you both have so much more to gain. Someday...all of the geographical distance will disappear once you're married. So...even though I've not seen much of her in the last year or so (twice actually) it seemed as though I'd lost so much. In physical reality...ones day to day life style isn't much disrupted by the break up. But Psychologically and emotionally...it's crippling. 1
whatnot Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 The actual relationship lasted 7 years. (That's with a couple of break ups and get back together thrown in). So...you ain't crazy after all. At least not so much more than the rest of us crazy human beings running around like a bunch of chickens with their heads cut off.
Author Happenstousall Posted June 6, 2016 Author Posted June 6, 2016 The actual relationship lasted 7 years. (That's with a couple of break ups and get back together thrown in). So...you ain't crazy after all. At least not so much more than the rest of us crazy human beings running around like a bunch of chickens with their heads cut off. Hi Sorry to hear of your situation. I can empathise entirely. I think its good to know that even at times like this, when you feel entirely alone you aren't, there are people you don't even know personally who know exactly how you feel and are with you. After such a long time It is hard because you used to be their world and you theirs. And then you're nothing. Well, not really, you'll always mean something but you just aren't who they see themselves with anymore. That's sad, very sad. Especially when you don't want it to be the case, but the only way I see is to be selfish, look after yourself and try and learn from what happened about yourself and about the people you get involved with in future. It's little comfort right now, for me or for you, it seems but its got to be the answer. Today is the first day proper of NC for me, been over 24 hours now. Have been tempted to look at her social media stuff but resisted. Been tempted to look at Whatsapp to see if she's been around or called me when my battery died. But i've not done it. Instead, i've worked and thought about the stuff going on in my world today. It's helped but it hasn't been pleasant or easy. It does feel empowering through. Today I wore some new clothes and had some positive comments from people, that made me feel good. I've gone back on my diet. Had a couple of things go wrong today and felt for a bit like the world was conspiring against me, but to be fair, It'd feel like that irrespective of this. Stay strong and talk about it. Good luck!
LD1990 Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 Throughout this time we spoke amicably and I always felt there was love and respect there on both sides. Take the love goggles off. You helped this girl when she had nowhere to go. She didn't even have the courtesy to tell you she was leaving, she just took off one day. That's not love or respect. Look into books on codependency. Letting your long-distance girlfriend who you like but don't love (at the time) move in, immediately taking her back after she up and left, those are both signs of codependency. You need to feel needed, that's why you're so willing to do anything for this girl who really doesn't deserve it, based on how she has treated you. Definitely go NC and make sure you block her. She's toxic and is only going to waste more of your time if you let her back in to your life. 1
Author Happenstousall Posted June 6, 2016 Author Posted June 6, 2016 Take the love goggles off. You helped this girl when she had nowhere to go. She didn't even have the courtesy to tell you she was leaving, she just took off one day. That's not love or respect. Look into books on codependency. Letting your long-distance girlfriend who you like but don't love (at the time) move in, immediately taking her back after she up and left, those are both signs of codependency. You need to feel needed, that's why you're so willing to do anything for this girl who really doesn't deserve it, based on how she has treated you. Definitely go NC and make sure you block her. She's toxic and is only going to waste more of your time if you let her back in to your life. Thank you for your honest and candid assessment. I appreciate that. I had thought about this codependency thing before but it wasn't something I could bring myself to acknowledge because that's something that relates to "other people". Being objective I can see why you say that and can't really argue against it. I suppose the worst part is how elated I know she'd be if she came back to me. I think you're right, I need to cut the cord but the very thought terrifies me. I've got to build up the courage and strength to make that final call.
Author Happenstousall Posted June 8, 2016 Author Posted June 8, 2016 Time for a little update. Told her yesterday that I think we need to go our own separate ways. That there are only two options, the first is for me to get where she is or her to get where I am. That for us to try and stay friends is just going to prevent her from doing what she needs to and prevent me from moving on. It was sad, effectively saying goodbye, probably forever, to someone you spent so much of your life with. BUT. I feel sanguine about it. It is the only option. Have felt OK today, haven't done any snooping on her social media accounts or contemplated calling her. I suppose my biggest issue today is that we moved to a new town (for both of us), she isn't here now and we didn't get to know anyone, so i'm here entirely alone and needing to develop a social circle. But its a small town and not much goes on here so that'll be easier said than done. That said, I think it is achievable in time. The point about codependency was so important in my thought process and as someone who accepts he has codependent tendencies, I don't really talk to my friends or family about these things, for fear of being judged. I've got a lot of hurdles to cross and a lot of changes to make. But I am going to have to deal with these one day at a time, in my own way. Bit fearful of an empty weekend coming up. Walking around the house on my own doesn't sound like much fun. So i'm gonna get busy, have gardening to sort (been putting it off) and some other bits and pieces to do. Might even brave the local pub on my own on Sat night, see if anyone feels like chatting. That may be a mistake but has to be done. Any thoughts any of you have are appreciated as always.
gaig Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 (edited) I admit, I took her for granted when we were together and this weekend i've been praying to god for more time in her presence. This isn't me, feel i'm going a bit mad and making a big deal about it. But for me, it IS a big deal. I feel guilty for how i was and some of my actions (but it wasn't just me), i feel sad for the future we've lost and i'm devastated that the changes i have/can continue to make will never be able to benefit her and us. I feel that making those changes to benefit someone I don't even know now is going to render them less significant even though logically i know that isn't right. Yes, we do this mistake even for the person we adore. In retrospect, it feels like our brain has got stuck for a period and we wake up when it is too late to fix anything.. The worst part of it is that we might do it again later in our lives just because we have actually moved on -that everybody in here is so religiously suggesting- and forgotten.. Edited June 9, 2016 by gaig
Author Happenstousall Posted June 9, 2016 Author Posted June 9, 2016 Yes, we do this mistake even for the person we adore. In retrospect, it feels like our brain has got stuck for a period and we wake up when it is too late to fix anything.. The worst part of it is that we might do it again later in our lives just because we have actually moved on -that everybody in here is so religiously suggesting- and forgotten.. Interesting points. Was gonna do a quick update but before that, I just want to say that yeah, sure, we might do it again. BUT there is a fine line between love and co-dependency. For me, being in a relationship is about putting the other person first. That works if you both do it but if you don't then it becomes inevitable that it will fail. I might be misguided but I can't imagine a relationship where you don't consider the person you're with before your own needs and wants. Surely that's what its about, giving yourself entirely to someone. If you both do it then that shows complete love and trust, no? As for the update, 48 hours now. Still haven't looked at social media or tried to make contact. I think it's telling that I haven't heard from her either. Guess it just indicates it was the right call. Fearful of this long lonely weekend coming up but I have to get used to that for now, It need not be forever. Had a look at an online dating site last night, just to see who might be out there. Was someone local i quite liked the sound of but now is absolutely not the right time. I need to spend some time dealing with what happened and finding out more about how to be comfortable on my own before looking for anyone else. Good luck everyone and stay strong!
Author Happenstousall Posted June 11, 2016 Author Posted June 11, 2016 So I got through last night. It was far from easy. Everyone else seemed to have things planned for the weekend and me, well, it was to be my first weekend entirely on my own with no expectation of contact with the ex. Considering we moved to a new town where we didn't know anyone else, never really got to know anyone else and now it's just me, it's damned hard. Was considering going to the pub tonight to watch the football, not something that would ordinarily worry me and thought i might get a chance to talk to some people, maybe even chat to a few women. But It fills me with dread. I'd probably end up getting pretty drunk, in my current state of mind, with nobody to rely on (not something i'd normally need) i'd be either on the verge of breaking down or end up upsetting someone and knowing my luck, it'd be the wrong person to do that to. So instead, its just me, in the house feeling kind of trapped. It's almost a physical sensation, can't really describe it other than being in some kind of head to toe suit which allows you to move but only a little bit. I guess i've got to push through this phase, just hope it doesn't last for too long.
gaig Posted June 11, 2016 Posted June 11, 2016 Interesting points. Was gonna do a quick update but before that, I just want to say that yeah, sure, we might do it again. BUT there is a fine line between love and co-dependency. For me, being in a relationship is about putting the other person first. That works if you both do it but if you don't then it becomes inevitable that it will fail. Well, remember my words cause I did it again.. To take the girl I have so strong feelings for granted, over a period of few months lets say, and before I even realize, they are gone, they don't care if they hurt me a lot even if just before that they were making long term plans in their minds for us. Both periods I was at my limits between depression and success, working under very tough situations, in definitely unpleasant locations and struggling to keep my sanity. I know it is not an excuse to neglect my partner -that I claim to love that much, but it also not an excuse for both of them running away the fact that they have been through serious depression during their early childhood.. I promised I won't do it again, but here I am.. And this girl was what I would call irreplaceable..
Author Happenstousall Posted June 11, 2016 Author Posted June 11, 2016 Well, remember my words cause I did it again.. To take the girl I have so strong feelings for granted, over a period of few months lets say, and before I even realize, they are gone, they don't care if they hurt me a lot even if just before that they were making long term plans in their minds for us. Both periods I was at my limits between depression and success, working under very tough situations, in definitely unpleasant locations and struggling to keep my sanity. I know it is not an excuse to neglect my partner -that I claim to love that much, but it also not an excuse for both of them running away the fact that they have been through serious depression during their early childhood.. I promised I won't do it again, but here I am.. And this girl was what I would call irreplaceable.. If it helps, I know exactly where you're coming from. I can only speak from my own experience but I'd be the same when struggling to meet deadlines for complex work and dealing with grandparents with dementia, a parent with a brain tumour and the like. Sometimes other things have to take priority for a bit. Doesn't mean you love your partner any less. Dare i suggest, something that i've thought about in my situation recently - If they love us as much as we love them, then surely they can go through a period of time when things aren't so great? All relationships have their highs and lows. If things aren't great for a little while, that doesn't mean they'll always be that way, right? Thick and thin, richer and poorer and all that? Honestly don't know if that works with you but my thinking is that perhaps, I should talk to future prospective partners more about how i am when things aren't as easy? Allow them to understand why i might be a bit distant once in a while and what it means. I'll give you an example, for a while, with my ex I would spend my time in another room watching stuff i liked, often til quite late. She'd be asleep when I came up but then i'd miss her loads because I hadn't spent any time with her. I'd give her a kiss on the forehead and let her sleep. She never knew about this. Maybe she should have. Of course, I should work on not being distant as well but we're all human, we can't be superman.
gaig Posted June 11, 2016 Posted June 11, 2016 Sometimes other things have to take priority for a bit. Doesn't mean you love your partner any less. Exactly.. over these periods my love for them actually become gigantic! Honestly don't know if that works with you but my thinking is that perhaps, I should talk to future prospective partners more about how i am when things aren't as easy? Allow them to understand why i might be a bit distant once in a while and what it means. I don't know if you are taking examples from yourself or just giving me a suggestion, but for me that was the case.. I didn't quite/really/ever communicate was I was going through. Ofc they knew that I was under pressure, but they didn't really know at what extent because I never opened myself about that. So they probably felt I was getting indifferent and that pushed them away. I am a person that never complains no matter how difficult is a situation, but I guess this proves me wrong when it comes to serious relationships. They just believe I lost my interest towards them and since my situation didn't make life with me look so appealing (hard work, difficult environment), they opted for the easy solution and run away.. I'll give you an example, for a while, with my ex I would spend my time in another room watching stuff i liked, often til quite late. She'd be asleep when I came up but then i'd miss her loads because I hadn't spent any time with her. I'd give her a kiss on the forehead and let her sleep. She never knew about this. Maybe she should have. You cannot imagine how many similar acts I have done. Like.. she sleeps heavily and I would give her 20 kisses in the morning before I go to work.. She was handing me out some of her fav photos of us and while she thought I didn't care, I wrote to each one of them a nice note for us that I would prepare to propose.. She was worried on how to make a plan for the next two years and I planned everything with the highest detail... She wanted to enjoy melbourne with me, I plannes one month holiday together and pre-booked everything she had talked about.. Etc.. Do you know how many of these I communicated to her until it was too late..? None.. If this is not the scenario to haunt every single hour of my days with regrets, then what is it..? It might have been one of the most stupid BUs in here. But I agree with you in that a couple with true love should try to solve its issues internally, together, even with deadlines and ultimatums, whatever. But how can you expect that from a 20 year inexperienced girl.. I really wish you deal with it now better than myself 1
Author Happenstousall Posted June 17, 2016 Author Posted June 17, 2016 I really wish you deal with it now better than myself Well Gaig, not sure i am. I broke NC and we had a nice chat. I didn't expect more and didn't get it. Under no illusion its all over so thought i'd have a look at the local dating pool online. Big mistake. No options there, which makes me feel right now i've lost my last chance of the life i want/need. Never felt so broken in all my life.
whatnot Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 (edited) Never felt so broken in all my life. Stay the heck away from that woman. She'll break you more. Lay in bed a month. But then get the F*** UP!! This is NOT EASY! No one promised any of us anything in this life. I'm sitting here headsets on. In a friggin' gym. You don't have to work out...but put yourself in positions for good things to happen to you and for you. Bars ain't the answer. Alone at night? (Me too). Don't run. Don't hide. EMBRACE IT. EMBRACE EVERY FRIGGIN BIT OF IT. There's a name for this. It's called life. Buy a motorcycle lol Tear a wall outta yout house with a stupid sledge hammer. Bingo! Instant remodel project on your hands. If I was there I'd pat ya on the back. You ARE GOING TO MAKE IT MAN. Time insures it. Be good. Take care. PS...i know absolutely no one in this gym. I'm a loner by nature as well. We lay. We lay. We lay 'till we just can't lay no more! (As Pope eye would say.) You'll get better. We all do. At some point. Life's a marathon. ..not a sprint. Take care buddy Edited June 17, 2016 by whatnot
Author Happenstousall Posted June 17, 2016 Author Posted June 17, 2016 Stay the heck away from that woman. She'll break you more. Lay in bed a month. But then get the F*** UP!! This is NOT EASY! No one promised any of us anything in this life. I'm sitting here headsets on. In a friggin' gym. You don't have to work out...but put yourself in positions for good things to happen to you and for you. Bars ain't the answer. Alone at night? (Me too). Don't run. Don't hide. EMBRACE IT. EMBRACE EVERY FRIGGIN BIT OF IT. There's a name for this. It's called life. Buy a motorcycle lol Tear a wall outta yout house with a stupid sledge hammer. Bingo! Instant remodel project on your hands. If I was there I'd pat ya on the back. You ARE GOING TO MAKE IT MAN. Time insures it. Be good. Take care. PS...i know absolutely no one in this gym. I'm a loner by nature as well. We lay. We lay. We lay 'till we just can't lay no more! (As Pope eye would say.) You'll get better. We all do. At some point. Life's a marathon. ..not a sprint. Take care buddy In an entirely platonic, non threatening and incredibly grateful way - I love you Thank you. That post was just what the Dr ordered. I'll reply properly tomorrow but just read this on my phone and it made me laugh, smile and feel a little less alone. And you will probably know, when you feel like i do right now that's a hard thing and something which helps a lot. 1
Author Happenstousall Posted June 18, 2016 Author Posted June 18, 2016 Stay the heck away from that woman. She'll break you more. Thanks, am trying to. Only made one call since I started NC, was nice, but haven't followed up on it. Lay in bed a month. But then get the F*** UP!! Haha, this is great advice. Alas, I cannot due to work. If i could, i would. Think i've hid things rather well there but was asked what plans i had for the weekend just before I left, was dreading it and snapped that I had no plans and that it wasn't going to be a good weekend. Used to love them, at the moment the only thing i've got is my job and I don't even like it. This is NOT EASY! No one promised any of us anything in this life. I'm sitting here headsets on. In a friggin' gym. You don't have to work out...but put yourself in positions for good things to happen to you and for you. Bars ain't the answer. Absolutely right. Earlier in the year, before she said she might come back, I was working well at losing a few pounds, can't explain why but I stopped when she said that and right now, I'm trying again. Not much to do in the area I live in, two hour train journey to see my friends, who i kindof disconnected with during our relationship. Feel i've changed and so have they so don't see them as the way forward, think I need to meet new people but is easier said than done. Alone at night? (Me too). Don't run. Don't hide. EMBRACE IT. EMBRACE EVERY FRIGGIN BIT OF IT. There's a name for this. It's called life. Buy a motorcycle lol Haha. This is the hardest bit isn't it? You feel that this might be how it is forever, It probably won't be, but it certainly feels like it right now. If I was there I'd pat ya on the back. You ARE GOING TO MAKE IT MAN. Time insures it. Be good. Take care. Thanks for that. Really helped to know I might have been alone here but others were in the same position and understood! PS...i know absolutely no one in this gym. I'm a loner by nature as well. We lay. We lay. We lay 'till we just can't lay no more! (As Pope eye would say.) You'll get better. We all do. At some point. Life's a marathon. ..not a sprint. Take care buddy Very true. You helped me a lot and I'm grateful, hope things work out for you too.
gaig Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 Well Gaig, not sure i am. I broke NC and we had a nice chat. I didn't expect more and didn't get it. Under no illusion its all over so thought i'd have a look at the local dating pool online. Big mistake. No options there, which makes me feel right now i've lost my last chance of the life i want/need. Never felt so broken in all my life. Wasn't talking about your ex.. This one is gone. You broke NC once, so what? Now you know you shouldn't because there is no good coming out of it. I was referring to the next one.. the next one you feel she is special, remember this story and develop the mechanisms early so you won't allow yourselves in the relationship to take each other for granted
Author Happenstousall Posted June 18, 2016 Author Posted June 18, 2016 Wasn't talking about your ex.. This one is gone. You broke NC once, so what? Now you know you shouldn't because there is no good coming out of it. Fair point, of course you are right. At the moment, the best I can describe each day as being like spring - some are cold, dark, desolate as i mourn the loss of someone i spent years of my life with. Others are brighter, sunny, warm as I think about the possibilities and the fact that i'm no longer in a relationship I didn't get much out of. I was referring to the next one.. the next one you feel she is special, remember this story and develop the mechanisms early so you won't allow yourselves in the relationship to take each other for granted Absolutely, and you know, people like you saying this are really important to break unhealthy/pointless thought processes and I'm very grateful for it. At the moment, when I can think about future possibilities, I see what I want, need from myself and a partner. In the past, up to and including this last relationship It was always about just giving it a go and seeing what happens. Now i'm starting to think that I'm not going to go down that route but rather, to only get into a relationship that has the genuine potential to be what I want it to be, and that is, nothing like the last one, to keep it short! Thanks.
bummer Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 At the moment, the best I can describe each day as being like spring - some are cold, dark, desolate as i mourn the loss of someone i spent years of my life with. Others are brighter, sunny, warm as I think about the possibilities and the fact that i'm no longer in a relationship I didn't get much out of. . Well said. For myself, I'm moving past sadness and anger and allowing my mind to focus on myself and what I need. "How can I help me?" I know I have caretaker and codependent tendencies which allowed me to persist in an unhealthy relationship. I have taken note of my absentmindedness and times where I allow other preoccupations (work) to block emotions and build distance where I needed to show more empathy. I have found parts of my anger and issues with a short temper from when i was a teenager angry at my parents and rebelling against their control. I haven't thought of this in years but know repairing my emotional base at home will make me more successful with future women. Take time to be mindful of your thoughts. Pausing for five to ten minutes each day, ask where the pain really sits and work on it. For me, finding structured meditation has brought a new realm of calm to my life where I know flying off the handle is completely inappropriate and useless. 1
gaig Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 At the moment, when I can think about future possibilities, I see what I want, need from myself and a partner. My though was rather closer to what bummer mentions just above. Ofc, as you say, you know what you want and what you like. Probably you always knew. But after some time (long time) in a relationship, you might get your partner for granted, stop being so caring, stop actually being the person she met and fell in love with, the person you "sold". For that part, you have to develop the mechanisms to wake you up early in the process. Is it time to end the relationship? Or, do you really love her and see a future with her? How can you prevent past mistakes from getting repeated? All these are easy to happen when you fall in lethargy. And it does happen after 1-2-etc years. Bummer says contemplation, I would say even keep a souvenir, something you can flashback to. I deleted everything, but kept the letter that opened my heart and summarized all the reasons I loved her but couldnt be with her in the long run, if she doesn't land and face her/our issues (3 days later she disappeared) I am gonna keep this and when/if I invest again in a relationship, I might have a look to alert me on my lethargic tendencies that posses me after few years 1
gaig Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 Under no illusion its all over so thought i'd have a look at the local dating pool online. I want to tell you not to be pessimistic, but I feel exactly the same way! I dont like any of the girls I date now, even though they are on average more cute and definitely more cultivated than my ex. I love her so much and the regrets are coming back every morning. Damn, we are in trouble..
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