Is He Hopeless, Self-absorbed and Narcisistic? Why is He Always Out to Prove Himself?

[Nancy55]

Need advice on this... I've been with "Mike" now for a couple of years. We're both in our 40's - he is 5 years older than me. I am very independent and strong willed. I speak my mind and am outgoing. He's more of a nervous energy type - seems insecure and overcompensates for his insecurity by trying to brag and B.S.

 

During our relationship he's said things to me that just throw me for a loop. He's said "I can have any woman I want and can be married if I want", "There's nothing I haven't done with women." "I'm going to come into a lot of money when my dad dies - I'll be a millionaire." He also flirts with and ogles other women in my presence - deliberately to try and get a rise out of me. He'll tell me about girls he works with and their personal problems, etc. (Like they all come to him for advice...)

 

I've asked him "Why do you feel it is necessary to B.S. me - it's a turnoff?" He just gives me a blank stare and says "I dunno.". I have asked him to just be himself and stop trying so hard to prove he's Mr. Bigshot that he isn't impressing me by bragging and BS’ing me.

 

After two years I've tried to connect with him - I like who he is when he's genuine and caring. I hate who he is when he tries to prove he's done this and that and has all this money (which I know he doesn't - he makes $10 an hour at his job). This has caused me to lose respect for him.

 

The biggest thing that's really turned me off is how he gawks at other women when he's with me. It's like he tries to hard to show off in front of me by looking at other women and flirting - he goes out of his way, I guess thinking it will make me jealous. It doesn't make me jealous. It just makes me look at him and go "Ugh - what a jerk".

 

Another thing he does is talk constantly about himself - I can never get a word in! If I call him on the phone he never asks me how I'm doing - he starts off, "I feel good today. I slept great, it's such a nice day I've got this and that to do…"... and will go on for 15 minutes about himself - I just sit there waiting for a "How are YOU today," but it never comes unless I say "Gee, thanks for inquiring about how my day is going..."

 

He's very selfish, self absorbed and I just can't connect with him. It's not until I suggest breaking up will he come around and promise to take care of my needs - then that lasts for a few days and he's back focused on himself.

 

Sex is also another issue for me - it's boring. I kid you not - when we have sex he looks in the mirror headboard of the bed at HIMSELF ... and he never tries pleasing me. Last time I stopped in the middle of the act and said, "I can't take this anymore - there's never anything in it for me - it's only you pleasuring yourself - it's boring."

 

Here's where we're at. He called me last Sunday and I didn't pick up the phone. I just didn't want to talk to him. I never called him back and he hasn't called me. There really wasn't a fight or anything that happened - I just didn't want to talk to him that morning he called because he's like a broken record. "I slept great last night. I feel good today, I this, I that, I… I …

 

 

I guess this relationship just fizzled out.......I feel bad for not calling him back but it's gotten to the point I'm lonelier with him than without. I want someone interested in ME too - not just himself.

 

Is he narcissistic or what's his problem? Anyone ever been with a person like this? To me he seems awfully insecure.

 

We've had good moments and periods of time where we get along great and he seems to be open and down to earth, but it rarely lasts. He seems jealous of me when good things happen to me. If something good happens to me he's got to top it by telling me something better happened to him, etc.

 

Half the time he lies to me and B.S.'s me about things. I see right through him and can't understand why he just can't be himself and not always try to puff or inflate his own ego. What gives?

[lindya]

I like your style Nancy - you're obviously able to tell this guy exactly what you feel about his behaviour...not that he's likely to take a blind bit of notice, of course. I don't think you need any advice at all, you probably just feel like having a rant.

 

I suspect that your rant is a pre-cursor to you making a decision about this relationship. It's a trial to be out in public with someone who is, as you say, full of BS and delusions - then going home with them and listening to more of the same. I went out with someone like that several years ago, and it was quite the cringe-fest.

 

Just like yours, my deluded Bulls***ter had his sweet aspects (obviously...otherwise I wouldn't have been with him) but it wasn't nearly enough to compensate all the awful bits. I remember actually sitting through re-enactments of encounters with women he assumed fancied him ("okay - so you pretend to be her. I walked past her - like this - and she...").

 

Unfortunately, I probably made him 10 times worse, because sensing the insecurity I refrained from telling him what a mortifying passion-killer it all was. I was scared of shattering what I believed to be a very fragile ego. Now, of course, I hear about what his current gf is putting up with, I realise I should have been a bit more honest. Not that it would have made the slightest bit of difference.

[moimeme]

Does it matter? It sounds like he's no fun at all to be with. Who needs all the hassle? You don't connect, the sex is no good - what's left? This isn't a relationship; it's two people hanging around together because they have nothing better to do. Drop him and move on.

[shygurl]

He is incredibly insecure, self-absorbed and narcissistic and not to mention, totally clueless. It's been 2 yrs now, he's not ever going to change - you can take that to the bank. He's likely been this way all of his life, his personality is deeply engrained. It's all about him.

 

I could write a book on this, I can totally relate. 2 guys I've dated, including one recently - they would get on the phone and talk non-stop about themself......to the point where I had to literally stop myself from just hanging up because my head was spinning and I was bored silly. Both thought they were the cat's pajamas, big studs who could get any woman they wanted, they were legends in their own mind, they never took any interest at all in me, my life, my dreams, my day, my family, my job, my goals, my interests, my nothing. If they ever did ask me something about myself, it was only done as a carefully orchestrated opportunity for them to then go on about themself.

 

My most recent BF, I finally had to say "enough is enough" and I told him we were just not compatible. He wouldn't leave me be. I just didn't have the energy to get into a debate with him about what a narcissist he was but he wouldn't let go, so I finally just spilled the beans and told him that he was far too stuck on himself. Do you want to read some of the arrogant trash he wrote in response?

 

HOW the hell do you think i can renovate, wire , and build a house , dry wall ect....Have you seen all my carpenter tools ect... I am a electrician , Engineer, safety enginer/manager, and home builder?????????? FROM BEING LAZY AND NOT WORKING FOR EVERY GOD DAM F*CKING PENNY I HAVE MADE????? I have probably worked harder than anyone you know or will ever know? It is a nice sense of feeling , that i can feel good about myself regarding what i have and what i spend ect.........Most people cant, cause they are to stupid, or just lazy ect... I busted , crushed legs, broken bones to make it in this fricken world!! So i thing i do have the bragging rights for my actions,SORRY !

 

He was in his late 30s. I assure you, I have not edited any of the trash he's written. Here's more:

 

Ps: I have also listened to your "Beef" with your job, and fully understand everything you have said? Traveling , holidays, working at home every dam weekend, ect................... not enough money, the old boot that has to much holidays and leaves you with nothing ? That kind of thing , believe me as we are all in that boat. Do you think i like flying all over the world and working 16 hours a day ????For 28 god dam day's straight?In addition, i get home and then renovate and do all other odd jobs... I am a work aholic at times! In addition, i brag about what i have and done in life? NO wonder???? HOW many clowns in the world actually work like that ? NO wonder they do not brag, because they have NOTHING?"????\ THOSE LITTLE HARD WORKING NO BODDIES, SHOULD ACTUALLY GET A REAL LIFE AND BUST THERE ASS LIKE OTHER PEOPLE IN LIFE WITH SOMEHTING?

 

For the record, i'd had a bad day at work and for the first time, I shared with him my frustrations about it. Just once, that's all.

 

Want more?

 

I do not have to convert to dating services( for insecure people) to find a women, as i have a decent school teacher, whom is smart , clean , has her own home, new car, and loves me to death. She also likes to have drinks with me and camp/golf. In addition to her, many others are on the line current... This is why i have confidence, and brag about what i have and who i am ?

I have worked very hard, more so than most to be honest no matter what you say?? I guess , you can not bring me off my high horse?? I like where i am at, and do not plan on working for the rest of my life, and retiring early!

 

In between all of this, I had pointed out to him that he wasn't the hardest working guy in the world.......I used an example of some of the women who work at the local hospital, as housekeepers (they keep the hospital sparkling clean, clean up messes in the trauma room, strip beds, wash walls, you name it - they work very hard for little pay)....many of them took the job because they spent their early years raising children on the farm (these are small rural hospitals)....being a farmer's wife.....now that farming is tough, many of the wives have to go out into the workforce for the first time........and they can't find a better job. This was his response to that:

 

have always felt that we were not compatible, as i am on a different level as yourself? I strive to be the best, and screw the rest. I do not wait for people to catch up , and drag there butt behind! I have always been that way , even when i was a second year electrician. I was appointed job Forman , managing a crew of 25 people. I was only 23 years old!! I had persons that were journey men, and old men 50 years old ect.... that i was looking after and directing? They would bust there a*s for me, or i would get rid of them!! So tell me i feel sorry for the 50 year old lady that cleans crappy diapers in the hospital ect...??? NO! They made there bed , now sleep in it ??? If these people had any brains , they would not be in that position to begin with???? Correct me if i am wrong?? Everyone has the same opportunity to excel and create a life of which they must live?

I also have worked in the -50 below weather, cutting wood on the farm , cleaning barns , in very cold weather and very hot weather? Did you forget where i was born and raised for most of my life? I learned morals, hard work ethic ect... So please do not tell me the difference , as i have been there and done that???? I to share the burden of most people out there at one time or another! Just evolved and took that leap! I worked 3 jobs as a kid in grade 8 for that matter, ice cream bikes, Mc Donalds, Paper route...-40 below also!!! So please do not say , that there are these POOR little old lady's/Men whom work so hard ????? I managed to save money and put it away for tough times, as fortunately there has not been any , as i worked hard to ensure that would not happen??? Conclusion , people can decide where they want to go and become, as this isn't Russia???

 

As you can see, this is a man who has no compassion for others, he's amazingly insecure, he exaggerates stories, he thinks he's God's gift not only to women but to the working world....he had the audacity to bring up some "teacher" he used to date before me - someone he said he'd only dated once, a "quick date" because he didn't want to offend her....but that really, she was lazy, overweight, drank too much, had a dirty home, smoked drugs....but now she's apparently the bomb. lol

 

I tell you honestly, leave your guy and move on.....life is short. He will never change, not ever. His insecurity runs so deep and took many years to develop - he doesn't treat you with respect, likely not anyone.

[lindya]

Originally posted by shygurl

I just didn't have the energy to get into a debate with him about what a narcissist he was but he wouldn't let go, so I finally just spilled the beans and told him that he was far too stuck on himself. Do you want to read some of the arrogant trash he wrote in response?

 

Good God. It just goes to show what happens when you put a pin in a hot air balloon. If there's any more where that came from, feel free to post it

 

Dare I ask whether you ever DID see his carpentry tools?

[Nancy55]

Shygurl, my BF isn't that explosive but I get what you're saying and feel your pain.

 

They don't change, it's always all about them. Nothing is worse than to hang on to a relationship hoping for change but we all somehow manage to do that.

 

Leaving is just so darn hard even though I know it's the best thing I can do. I get mad and upset, I stop returning his calls and then when he stops calling I start missing him and wanting to call him. Why? I'm a normal person - I don't like being tortured by a bad relationship.............

 

But I get these panic attacks and think "He wasn't that bad.........." and I want him back. Then if I call him he's even more arrogant than ever and I kick myself for going back.

 

How do I stop myself from going back? I'm an intelligent woman - I guess I'm used to being with him and it's like a death when suddenly I cut him out of my life. Then I panic and think "Oh, maybe I acted to hastily - maybe he's not that bad...".

 

Then I can only see the good in him and I forget all the bad. What is wrong with me? Someone talk some sense into me...

[shygurl]

Originally posted by lindya

 

 

Dare I ask whether you ever DID see his carpentry tools?

 

 

No, I'm sad to report I never did *sob* and because of that, there will forever be a Grand Canyon-sized void in my life. Oh how I long to have just had a brief but loving glimpse at his Reciprocating Saw and drywall screws. I get all misty-eyed just thinking about it.

 

LMAO!

 

I trust I won't hear from him again because after he had his above meltdown, I made it clear he should not ever contact me again and so far, not a peep.

 

Well I think I'm going to go on down to Home Depot and make myself comfortable in the tool section, and mourn the loss carpentry tools I never did see.

 

[lindya]

Originally posted by Nancy55

Then I can only see the good in him and I forget all the bad. What is wrong with me? Someone talk some sense into me...

 

Well, I'll give it a bash - but I can't promise anything.

 

I have yet to meet a man who doesn't come across as genuine and caring at least some of the time. There are always sweet bits. There's generally a fragile and insecure little boy buried somewhere deep down inside. Nonethess when someone acts like a prick more than 50% of the time, it's best to set him free. Like a wild bird. That way, you don't have to tolerate any more vagina-numbing moments....and you can focus on doing the things YOU like doing, and maybe finding someone who only acts like a prick 25% of the time

[shygurl]

Originally posted by Nancy55

Shygurl, my BF isn't that explosive but I get what you're saying and feel your pain.

 

They don't change, it's always all about them. Nothing is worse than to hang on to a relationship hoping for change but we all somehow manage to do that.

 

Leaving is just so darn hard even though I know it's the best thing I can do. I get mad and upset, I stop returning his calls and then when he stops calling I start missing him and wanting to call him. Why? I'm a normal person - I don't like being tortured by a bad relationship.............

 

But I get these panic attacks and think "He wasn't that bad.........." and I want him back. Then if I call him he's even more arrogant than ever and I kick myself for going back.

 

How do I stop myself from going back? I'm an intelligent woman - I guess I'm used to being with him and it's like a death when suddenly I cut him out of my life. Then I panic and think "Oh, maybe I acted to hastily - maybe he's not that bad...".

 

Then I can only see the good in him and I forget all the bad. What is wrong with me? Someone talk some sense into me...

 

Believe me, I can relate to your feelings. Now this latest boob I quoted, he doesn't even really count because I skidded him rather early on in the relationship - before I was too far in.....but my ex husband was a spitting image of your guy. My ExH was always flirting with women, even on our honeymoon for goodness sakes! It didn't matter where we went, he was always trying to get women's attention, by being funny...sometimes by having a laugh at my expense.

 

He made me feel very insignificant. He never listened to things I had to say, things that were important to me, my goals, my concerns, my dreams, how my day at work was - he was just so apathetic, but I tell you - his family or buddies would phone and he would perk right up and be so attentive, it was like living with Jekyll and Hyde. It hurt me tremendously. I felt so small and unimportant. He didn't value anything I did, made, cooked, tried, nothing. He loved to poke fun at me and make me feel foolish. Of course there were the times he was sweet as pie and charming and it was those few times that would wash away my memories of him being a dick.

 

Guys like this are like a drug, and after 2 yrs together, you're used to this dysfunction, it's familiar..... and who knows, maybe you've had a string of similar relationships and don't even know what a truly good guy is ?

 

Your hesitance to leave isn't about you being unintelligent, believe me.....it's likely about you having low self esteem from months and months of him making you feel that you're not worth much....and being the kind person that you are, you try to just focus on the bit of good in him.

 

I think you should seriously consider getting yourself into a counsellor/therapist....because you're going to need some guidance here on seeing him for what he really is....and beginning the process to love yourself more and learn to stand up for yourself.

 

Post here any time, so many of us can relate in one way or another.

[Nancy55]

Shygurl - you hit the nail on the head - it's my self esteem that's crushed - absolutely. I am 42 and not the young skinny bombshell I used to be - I struggle with an extra 25 pounds, cellulite and boobs that are starting to go south - it doesn't make me feel better when my BF gets off to young girls in bikini's that walk by and he ups and downs them right in front of me. Then he'll have the gall to ask me if I'm going to get a bikini (I in no way can wear a bikini and he knows that - my tummy is too flabby).

 

It's hurtful - I feel he says this to crush me and make me feel bad. We can be at the mall, out to eat - anywhere and here comes a Pamela Anderson lookalike - it's always my luck. I never see hot bodied guys.... My ex will get a stupid silly grin on his face and chuckle under his breath - he seems to enjoy looking and seeing how it bugs me. My low self esteem and the fact I'm not a hard bodied 20-something chick makes me feel worse.

 

My ex is not a great looking guy at all - he's in his late 40's with graying facial hair and a slight bald spot - he's short and not muscular - has a slight pot belly but he thinks he's God's gift to women. He's got a teenage son who is girl crazy so the two of them ogle other women together. He encourages his son by taking him to Hooter's and let's him have access to all cable channels and his porn mags in his bathroom.

 

My ex thinks this is normal - all guys do it. That's fine but I feel it's disrespectful to me as a woman and I have begun to look at him as a skanky pervert. He's almost 50 and is a father - he should act like one instead of trying to be his son's fraternity brother.

 

I want a guy that's into me, who treats me with respect and values me as a woman. I'll be freaky in bed for him and a lady the rest of the time - whatever he wants. I just prefer he keep his eyes on me and treat me decent - he'll have my total devotion. But acting like Scott Peterson (horny bastard) is such a turnoff!

 

Are ALL guys horny cheating lying bastards?