unbeknown Posted June 5, 2016 Posted June 5, 2016 Hey all Looking for a bit of advice on dealing with infatuation. It's driving me crazy and I need it to stop as it's not healthy. A little pre-face: - Met girl 2 months ago and been dating once, sometimes twice, a week - Texts everyday, she used to reply instantly - In person she shows a lot of interest, holding hands, very touchy feely, passionate kissing every time we meet, has told me she often browses my social media pages. Through text has become increasingly distant though - invited me to stay over hers on Friday and we had sex 5 times between the night and the morning - Very secretive with her phone, even took it to the bathroom with her when she showered which i guess is where my feelings reside from I've become infatuated by her and feel incredibly depressed today. Her replies for the past few weeks have been increasingly more and more brief, she takes 6-9 hours to reply sometimes which I wouldn't have a problem with but it feels like the dynamic has changed. She used to be huge on texting. I've told her I'm not dating anyone else but have not mentioned dating each other exclusively. I wonder if this was my fail. I feel like whilst she might not be dating anyone else she's defintiely talking to other men. I'd love her to be my girlfriend but don't know how to bring it up or if I should let it be natural. If it's not going to work though I need to deal with my obsessing and man the f-up basically but don't know how to snap out of this. Any tips? Thanks 1
Satu Posted June 5, 2016 Posted June 5, 2016 Firstly, realise that this infatuation is unhealthy and self-defeating. Secondly, you should realise that your feelings bear no resemblance to anything describable as love. Have you ever been in this state before, or is this the first time?
Author unbeknown Posted June 5, 2016 Author Posted June 5, 2016 I'd say I've definitely felt it before. It always seems to come on when the switch of power happens - that is her being the one chasing and when it flips and I feel like I'm the one chasing it almost always develops in to infatuation. I know it's not healthy and keep trying to tell myself this but I always go through it. It's something I need to work on and change my mindset to not caring so much. 1
Satu Posted June 5, 2016 Posted June 5, 2016 (edited) I'd say I've definitely felt it before. It always seems to come on when the switch of power happens - that is her being the one chasing and when it flips and I feel like I'm the one chasing it almost always develops in to infatuation. I know it's not healthy and keep trying to tell myself this but I always go through it. It's something I need to work on and change my mindset to not caring so much. In Psychoanalytic terms, you behaviour could be described as 'Manic.' That doesn't mean you're Bipolar, it means that your behaviour contains an element of desperation and over-effort. To me, the interesting question is what is fuelling this behaviour. It is definitely a defence against something. 'Manic Defences' is the relevant term here. So I'll ask you straight out: What outcome are you trying to prevent? What don't you want to happen? What are you afraid of? Edited June 5, 2016 by Satu
tinkerbell16 Posted June 5, 2016 Posted June 5, 2016 Hey all Looking for a bit of advice on dealing with infatuation. It's driving me crazy and I need it to stop as it's not healthy. A little pre-face: - Met girl 2 months ago and been dating once, sometimes twice, a week - Texts everyday, she used to reply instantly - In person she shows a lot of interest, holding hands, very touchy feely, passionate kissing every time we meet, has told me she often browses my social media pages. Through text has become increasingly distant though - invited me to stay over hers on Friday and we had sex 5 times between the night and the morning - Very secretive with her phone, even took it to the bathroom with her when she showered which i guess is where my feelings reside from I've become infatuated by her and feel incredibly depressed today. Her replies for the past few weeks have been increasingly more and more brief, she takes 6-9 hours to reply sometimes which I wouldn't have a problem with but it feels like the dynamic has changed. She used to be huge on texting. I've told her I'm not dating anyone else but have not mentioned dating each other exclusively. I wonder if this was my fail. I feel like whilst she might not be dating anyone else she's defintiely talking to other men. I'd love her to be my girlfriend but don't know how to bring it up or if I should let it be natural. If it's not going to work though I need to deal with my obsessing and man the f-up basically but don't know how to snap out of this. Any tips? Thanks You have sex with her 5 times in one night yet can't have a simple conversation about being exclusive? That's messed up. Next time you see her tell her how you feel. Tell her you would like to be exclusive and want her has your girlfriend. If you are on two different pages this conversation will expose that and you can move on and if you are on the same page you can adddress the texting and move forward. Does anyone have honest conversations anymore? You have nothing to lose and potential girlfriend to gain. 1
katiegrl Posted June 5, 2016 Posted June 5, 2016 (edited) Your behavior doesn't sound like infatuation. Infatuation makes us feel excited and happy, on a high. You say it happens when the power has shifted. She has pulled back, the dynamic has changed, and now you feel you have to chase her. Thus you feel on edge, anxious, insecure. This is the beginning of what could be an "obsession" if not already. Which is very unhealthy and not fun at all! Not infatuation. Edited June 5, 2016 by katiegrl
Author unbeknown Posted June 5, 2016 Author Posted June 5, 2016 In Psychoanalytic terms, you behaviour could be described as 'Manic.' That doesn't mean you're Bipolar, it means that your behaviour contains an element of desperation and over-effort. So I'll ask you straight out: What outcome are you trying to prevent? What don't you want to happen? What are you afraid of? That actually makes quite a bit of sense. I've never really thought about it in those terms before. I kind of suffer slight depression on times after nights out too so maybe that plays in to it as well. I guess I'm trying to prevent her losing interest or stopping replying completely. Finding someone else. Most of my dating history has been based around 1-3 dates and a fizzling out would follow. Only twice before has it gone to this stage so could say I'm afraid of it going the same way as the other bad dates, rather than enjoying the moment for what it is. @ tinkerbell16, I'd love to have an honest conversation. People just don't nowadays and it's the reason I despise dating. Game playing just isn't me. We're arranging something next week so I'm edging towards bringing up exclusivity in dating.
Buddhist Posted June 5, 2016 Posted June 5, 2016 (edited) Your post reads like you've got anxiety. My guess is you do, and that probably won't go away even if she agrees to become your GF. It seems like she's got you with some swift manipulation. Feeds you the passion, then leaves you starving in-between. People who do this while dating do it in relationships as well. I would think twice about making her your GF. Your insecurity has been triggered, your main priority should be getting hold of that. I'd say I've definitely felt it before. It always seems to come on when the switch of power happens - that is her being the one chasing and when it flips and I feel like I'm the one chasing it almost always develops in to infatuation. You have an unconscious definition of love that is based on the feelings of fear and anxiety. That is why it always happens, you seek out women who pull away from you in the early stages and then call that love or infatuation. You might want to examine that because it isn't love, it's fear and anxiety. Following that feeling will land you habitually in relationships with emotionally distant women. Edited June 5, 2016 by Buddhist 3
clia Posted June 5, 2016 Posted June 5, 2016 Two months of dating, only seeing her once or twice a week...doesnt sound like anything is going anywhere. You aren't making forward progress toward a relationship -- it's still casual. She's probably getting bored and moving on. If you want her to be your girlfriend, have the discussion. It's crazy that you can have sex with this girl five times in one night but you can't ask her to be exclusive. 4
KatZee Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 You need to be progressing the relationship. What have you done to propel it forward? I'm confused by what you mean when you say, "I want her to be my girlfriend, but should I ask her or let it be natural?" What does this even mean? If you as a man, want a woman to be yours exclusively, you ask her. "Let it be natural" isn't a thing. It's a "situationship." It's acting like you're together when you aren't, setting no clear boundaries, and allowing one or both to continue screwing whoever, whenever. Women want men to make that move. To pursue. To make us feel wanted. OK, so you've been seeing her for two months, bang her 5 times in one night, and you're not even trying to make her a girlfriend? In her eyes, she's being played and used. You can talk all you want about how you're "not dating anyone else." OK, great. If you're not dating anyone else, why haven't you locked it down with her? And in the eyes of a woman, I'm going to tell you that I'd think your words were BS, and since you're not moving the relationship forward and taking control, you're probably just wasting your time with me out of boredom, and staying single until something better came along. And yes, this would force me to ghost out on you, too. 3
tinkerbell16 Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 You need to be progressing the relationship. What have you done to propel it forward? I'm confused by what you mean when you say, "I want her to be my girlfriend, but should I ask her or let it be natural?" What does this even mean? If you as a man, want a woman to be yours exclusively, you ask her. "Let it be natural" isn't a thing. It's a "situationship." It's acting like you're together when you aren't, setting no clear boundaries, and allowing one or both to continue screwing whoever, whenever. Women want men to make that move. To pursue. To make us feel wanted. OK, so you've been seeing her for two months, bang her 5 times in one night, and you're not even trying to make her a girlfriend? In her eyes, she's being played and used. You can talk all you want about how you're "not dating anyone else." OK, great. If you're not dating anyone else, why haven't you locked it down with her? And in the eyes of a woman, I'm going to tell you that I'd think your words were BS, and since you're not moving the relationship forward and taking control, you're probably just wasting your time with me out of boredom, and staying single until something better came along. And yes, this would force me to ghost out on you, too. This is exactly my take too. That's why he needs to let her know asap how he feels before she gets tired of being "used".
tinkerbell16 Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 (edited) That actually makes quite a bit of sense. I've never really thought about it in those terms before. I kind of suffer slight depression on times after nights out too so maybe that plays in to it as well. I guess I'm trying to prevent her losing interest or stopping replying completely. Finding someone else. Most of my dating history has been based around 1-3 dates and a fizzling out would follow. Only twice before has it gone to this stage so could say I'm afraid of it going the same way as the other bad dates, rather than enjoying the moment for what it is. @ tinkerbell16, I'd love to have an honest conversation. People just don't nowadays and it's the reason I despise dating. Game playing just isn't me. We're arranging something next week so I'm edging towards bringing up exclusivity in dating. Does anyone like game playing? I have never heard one person who says they do. Nor have I heard ANY woman say she didnt appreciate a man who was honest and open in telling her how he felt about her (especially one she just had sex 5 times with) So don't play games. You are acting like adults (having sex) so act like mature adults and have an honest conversation. She may think you are using her and she is keeping her options open (see KatZee response). Everyone keeps game playing yet no one wins. Go get her, tell her how you feel. If she laughs in your face you have lost NOTHING. I wager she won't though... Edited June 6, 2016 by tinkerbell16 1
Author unbeknown Posted June 6, 2016 Author Posted June 6, 2016 Two months of dating, only seeing her once or twice a week...doesnt sound like anything is going anywhere. You aren't making forward progress toward a relationship -- it's still casual. She's probably getting bored and moving on. What should I be doing to forward progress it towards a relationship? I will be the man and bring it up but not seeing her until Friday. Bringing it up through text I'm trying to avoid, probably better in person right?
tinkerbell16 Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 What should I be doing to forward progress it towards a relationship? I will be the man and bring it up but not seeing her until Friday. Bringing it up through text I'm trying to avoid, probably better in person right? Do it in person. Keep texting at your normal frequency during the week but text her you are looking forward to seeing her Friday. Maybe try to plan a different and public venue to talk to her in so she doesn't feel its about sex only.
KatZee Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 What should I be doing to forward progress it towards a relationship? I will be the man and bring it up but not seeing her until Friday. Bringing it up through text I'm trying to avoid, probably better in person right? Be a man. Plan a date for Friday. Take her out to a restaurant. Tell her to wear something nice that you're taking her somewhere. Then in person, be like, "I've been having a lot of fun with you spending time with you getting to know you, I want to see where this can go and want to be in a relationship with you. What do you think?" Word it however you want, but along those lines . 4
Author unbeknown Posted June 6, 2016 Author Posted June 6, 2016 Thanks all. Will plan something fun for Friday then and ask her in person. I need some form of clarification. She texts me last night saying how her pillow still smells of me and that she misses me. Then today hasn't text me at all yet since my reply to her at 7am (it's now 10pm) but has been adding snapchats to her story all day and liking posts on instagram. This would not normally bother me the lack of replies but it's the complete opposite to how she was when we first started dating. She's on her phone all day yet uninterested to reply. I really shouldn't care but I do and hate myself for it.
clia Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 Thanks all. Will plan something fun for Friday then and ask her in person. I need some form of clarification. She texts me last night saying how her pillow still smells of me and that she misses me. Then today hasn't text me at all yet since my reply to her at 7am (it's now 10pm) but has been adding snapchats to her story all day and liking posts on instagram. This would not normally bother me the lack of replies but it's the complete opposite to how she was when we first started dating. She's on her phone all day yet uninterested to reply. I really shouldn't care but I do and hate myself for it. What did you text her at 7 a.m.?
tinkerbell16 Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 Thanks all. Will plan something fun for Friday then and ask her in person. I need some form of clarification. She texts me last night saying how her pillow still smells of me and that she misses me. Then today hasn't text me at all yet since my reply to her at 7am (it's now 10pm) but has been adding snapchats to her story all day and liking posts on instagram. This would not normally bother me the lack of replies but it's the complete opposite to how she was when we first started dating. She's on her phone all day yet uninterested to reply. I really shouldn't care but I do and hate myself for it. Did you ask her a direct question at 7 am?
Author unbeknown Posted June 6, 2016 Author Posted June 6, 2016 I was following on the conversation from the night before, made reference to her enjoying my smell of perfume on her pillow. She said that she hopes I have a nice day in work. I knew she had the day off and was visiting a nearby city so I asked her what she planned on doing there. So I guess there was a direct question in there.
tinkerbell16 Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 I was following on the conversation from the night before, made reference to her enjoying my smell of perfume on her pillow. She said that she hopes I have a nice day in work. I knew she had the day off and was visiting a nearby city so I asked her what she planned on doing there. So I guess there was a direct question in there. I wouldn't worry. Just keep it light and don't overthink it. Let her know what you have in mind for Friday before too long though.
KatZee Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 Stop being so dependent on superficial and meaningless communication. Who cares what she's doing on Snapchat. Stop monitoring her activity online. Maybe she's just not a heavy texter and has moved passed initial infatuation stages of wanting to talk 24/7. I hate texting and the internet. Call her up if you want to talk. 2
Author unbeknown Posted June 7, 2016 Author Posted June 7, 2016 Had a spanner thrown in the works tonight. I prob shouldve mentioned we met on tinder. We established very early on what we both wanted (a relationship) and before we had sex I told her I deleted my account, she said she had deleted hers too. Got a text off my friend earlier telling me hes matched with her. I really don't know what to think. Why would she tell me she misses me, that the night I stayed around was 'perfect', the next day openly ask me "you're not going to sleep with anyone are you" in relation to an upcoming festival I'm going to. Why all this and still on tinder talking, no doubt meeting up. No wonder she's so private with her phone when I stayed around. Okay maybe it's because I haven't defined us and she's keeping her options open but that's a slim probability I reckon. 1
Dis Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 Had a spanner thrown in the works tonight. I prob shouldve mentioned we met on tinder. We established very early on what we both wanted (a relationship) and before we had sex I told her I deleted my account, she said she had deleted hers too. Got a text off my friend earlier telling me hes matched with her. I really don't know what to think. Why would she tell me she misses me, that the night I stayed around was 'perfect', the next day openly ask me "you're not going to sleep with anyone are you" in relation to an upcoming festival I'm going to. Why all this and still on tinder talking, no doubt meeting up. No wonder she's so private with her phone when I stayed around. Okay maybe it's because I haven't defined us and she's keeping her options open but that's a slim probability I reckon. Ok hun...she lied to you.... If a guy pulled that with me...he'd get kicked to the curb. Yes you did not agree on exclusivity with her...(forgoing that convo was a bad move on your part) HOWEVER she did tell you she deleted her tinder account...so...she lied No wonder she was so secretive with her phone I've had bad experiences with one of my ex's being very secretive with his phone....also lying. These two things don't bode well for one's character and what they may be up to I'd give up on this one if I were you Next time tho....Dont hesitate to ask a girl for exclusivity when you feel the time is right...but I dont think you lost out with this one as she clearly lied to you Liars dont change their spots
tinkerbell16 Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 Had a spanner thrown in the works tonight. I prob shouldve mentioned we met on tinder. We established very early on what we both wanted (a relationship) and before we had sex I told her I deleted my account, she said she had deleted hers too. Got a text off my friend earlier telling me hes matched with her. I really don't know what to think. Why would she tell me she misses me, that the night I stayed around was 'perfect', the next day openly ask me "you're not going to sleep with anyone are you" in relation to an upcoming festival I'm going to. Why all this and still on tinder talking, no doubt meeting up. No wonder she's so private with her phone when I stayed around. Okay maybe it's because I haven't defined us and she's keeping her options open but that's a slim probability I reckon. Don't assume the worst. The "slim probability" may be in fact exactly what's going on. If you feel like you may get way too wound up before you see her Friday CALL HER AND TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL. See if she wants the same as you. Solve this "problem" by letting her know how you feel. If you wait she may actually be looking for something real and move on assuming you aren't serious about her. If she rejects you you won't die! I doubt she will though...
Author unbeknown Posted June 8, 2016 Author Posted June 8, 2016 I wouldn't mind so much if it was one or two dates buts we've seen each other more or less twice a week for the last almost 3 months. She passionately kisses me, holds hands, very touchy feely, we've had sex. I feel like we ought to be exclusive at this stage. I don't want to be getting in to a sexual relationship with someone who is talking to other men. It bothers me. I'd love to call her to discuss but know this will be better saved for in person. Hopefully she won't flake on Friday
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