k4ppa Posted June 5, 2016 Posted June 5, 2016 (edited) Hello, I've been dating my gf for almost two years now, and about a month ago I told her I needed a break (we have been arguing quite frequently) to give me some time to collect myself and cool down. I admit (retrospectively) that the way I left things led her to believe that we were completely done... which I am to blame for. But after a couple days of a break, we talked things out and 'got back together'. However, I stumbled upon this conversation with her ex-boyfriend (they broke up 3 years ago, and remained friends) several weeks later and was pretty upset. I brought it up to her attention, and told her it hurt my feelings that she didn't tell me about it. I understand that people deal with grief in different ways, and that considering that we were 'broken up' I can't judge her for anything she did. But it's not the conversation that bothers me, it's the fact there is a history implied in it. As to why she tries to convince him that we have nothing to do together? That we don't ever have sex (we do almost on daily basis)? That she tried to 'get her act together' and be without a guy for awhile... (we had been dating the whole time!)? That her 'biochem friends' are the only thing that keep me and her in touch? Those are my friends! The blatant lies confuse me.. She swears that they were talking about the times when she was single (before we even met), and that she said all those things to convince him to talk to her (he was tired of hearing about all her relationship problems, felt used, and didn't really want to be her friend anymore). Take a look and let me know: I understand that trust is quintessential to a relationship, the problem is that I've been having a hard time moving past this. Am I just being silly and mistrusting? Or am I right in feeling the way that I am? Edited June 5, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
preraph Posted June 5, 2016 Posted June 5, 2016 She's saying whatever to get back with her ex. It probably won't last. You were broken up, so it is her business and you really don't have any say about that. But you do, of course, get to use what you now know to decide if it's worth it, and of course you won't trust her going forward, so I would say finish what you started and leave.
Gloria25 Posted June 5, 2016 Posted June 5, 2016 I think what people do is what they are... Your gf, regardless of you two being officially done, appears to be so needy that she couldn't even be on her own and immediately sought another guy. Do you want to be with someone so needy? Next, I know people don't wanna accept blame in their role for the demise/failure/breakup in a RL (which may give their new romantic interest a red flag), but it's one thing to say like "Yeah, I ruined my last RL"...and, it's another to throw your ex under the bus - especially with such outlandish lies. I mean, couldn't she just have told her ex that "things didn't work out" with you? I mean, guys are guys, I just don't see her ex demanding to know all the gritty details (like a woman would), so geesh, did she really have to add all that Xtra seasoning as to why you two broke up to get this guy's sympathy and/or put her as a victim or something? So, if you're getting back with her, I must wonder why cuz so far she's shown that she's capable to lie and manipulate. She also appears to be needy. BTW, what were you two fighting about that caused the breakup?
Author k4ppa Posted June 5, 2016 Author Posted June 5, 2016 We've been fighting on an off about many things, but this certainly added fuel to the fire. I think most of the fights can be attributed to poor communication skills (yes that includes me), but over the course of the relationship I have found her to be extremely needy and also controlling. At some extent I can sympathize her need for someone to listen, but what bothers is the apparent need to lie and manipulate. I love her and want to forgive her, so it's almost as if I'm trying to dismiss my instincts.. but this has been chewing me up ever since it happened.
elaine567 Posted June 5, 2016 Posted June 5, 2016 Taking a break is not a trivial thing to do - its done, we are finished, its all over bar the shouting - so if you did not really want to let her go, then "taking a break" was a foolish thing to do. So whilst you were "sorting your head out" she was investigating other possibilities and that includes speaking to her ex. She lied to her ex about you and her being totally through, to basically say to him "I am available to you if you want to do anything about it..." Seemingly she had your replacement lined up. So whilst you were actually the dumper, she was not crying into her coffee heart broken was she? I guess all the fighting took its toll on her too. Where you go now, depends on whether you have addressed the issues as to why you broke up in the first place.
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