broodneach Posted June 5, 2016 Share Posted June 5, 2016 (edited) Hi everyone. I'm sure you get a lot of posts like this. I'm regretting a breakup I more or less initiated. I told the girl in question I was regretting it and wished I'd tried harder, but she said she'd already arranged to meet up with an old friend with benefits and thought us being apart was for the best, and that she's not cut out for a committed relationship. I just want to know people's thoughts. Edit: I just realized there's a specific Second Chances forum, and a moderator should feel free to move this there if they see fit. The relationship started as a hookup. Me late 20s, girl early 20s. There was immense sexual chemistry and we ended up having sex something like ten times within twenty-four hours of meeting each other. We also kissed and cuddled and were generally affectionate and had some emotionally intimate conversations. We texted every day for ten days before meeting up again, but when we did it came out that she'd been hooking up with someone else in the meantime, and I was very hurt. We spent three days apart and then she spent basically an entire afternoon and evening trying to win me back, explaining she hadn't wanted to make herself vulnerable if I wasn't explicit about wanting to be exclusive and so on, but that she wanted to be with me, and I went for it. We spent about two months together after that. We had some problems - despite being several years younger than me, she had had far more partners, and had done some things that made me a little uncomfortable (including a situation where she was more or less paid for sex). I worked hard to accept it but it was a very gradual process, and I think the girl, who was very used to purely physical entanglements, was dissatisfied with my progress. We also got into fights about other things, and they got intense sometimes - when we disagreed about a New York Times article, for example, she said "I hate you right now", and that hurt me a lot. She also simply fell asleep one day when I was supposed to visit her and couldn't let me in to her building, and I was almost stranded in a different city. But when things were good, they were very good, and she said some of the most loving and romantic things I've ever heard, even though we never dropped the L-word. She was cute and silly and made strange noises which I enjoyed, and she scratched my back without being asked and I rubbed her back without being asked, and the way her eyes were when she looked at me was just amazing. Her best friend is an old hookup partner and they'd arranged (before we met) a trip together for this month. He suggested they go to a nude beach together and she thought it was a great idea. She mentioned this to me, knowing it might be upsetting, and I told her that I knew she was going to do what she wanted, but that I wasn't sure if I could handle it. She pressed me on this at length and I eventually got to the point where I said I wasn't sure we could be together if she kept pushing the envelope on me like this, and that I could tell she wasn't open to compromising on her plans or reconsidering her decision, and that her friend's feelings seemed to matter to her far more than mine. I told her to give me a little time to see how I felt about the situation after calming down and she agreed. The next day they ended up going to the beach together and she described it to me, and I guess it didn't seem so bad. (It was mostly empty and the people there were overwhelmingly gay.) We kept talking and I made a comment about how we'd agreed previously to always have sex before we were certain we were "fighting" (since sex seems to make the tension go away sometimes). She said that we couldn't do that since we were broken up, and I realized I'd pushed her too far the day before. I spent the next day or so crying and trying to win her back, but she said I was too judgmental and critical, controlling, not accepting, not open to new experiences, and so on. I realized she'd been broadening my horizons and helping me come out of my shell and I told her I was worried I couldn't do it without her. She got really upset when I finally used the L-word and said I thought I'd been falling in love with her, but she thanked me for telling her. The conversation got bad and we left on a bad note and I'm not sure I expect us to speak again. What should I be thinking about this? Was it doomed? Was I oversensitive or was she just careless with my feelings? Was I careless with hers? Was I blinded by the great sex (although near the end it was starting to seem like a lot of work) and the cute, affectionate moments we had? Did one of us really mistreat the other one? Edited June 5, 2016 by broodneach 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 5, 2016 Share Posted June 5, 2016 Yes, it was doomed. She's right - she's not ready for a committed relationship. Not by a country mile. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted June 5, 2016 Share Posted June 5, 2016 Yes, it was doomed. She's right - she's not ready for a committed relationship. Not by a country mile. Absolutely true. Nowhere neat it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted June 5, 2016 Share Posted June 5, 2016 snip What should I be thinking about this? Was it doomed? Was I oversensitive or was she just careless with my feelings? Was I careless with hers? Was I blinded by the great sex (although near the end it was starting to seem like a lot of work) and the cute, affectionate moments we had? Did one of us really mistreat the other one? It was doomed in the sense that it wasn't meant to last. Mainly because this woman isn't interested in pursuing a long - term monogamous relationship with anyone. She just wants to experience life and have some fun. There's nothing wrong with that. Neither of you mistreated the other, in my opinion. I don't think she really considered you a boyfriend, in the way that you would understand the term. I think she saw you more as a Friend With enhanced Benefits. Just tell yourself that it was good while it lasted, do some grieving, and move on. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
NolaLeForte Posted June 5, 2016 Share Posted June 5, 2016 This whole situation sounds very chaotic. She seems like she was used to primarily sexual/physical relationships-which there’s a time and a place for all that, but it seems like that has totally overshadowed her understanding of and ability to otherwise to handle having a relationship. Frankly, this whole thing seems like an excellent setup to mess with your head- super intense sex, telling you heartfelt intimate things, getting upset when you tell her you love her, and then telling you that she hates when you disagree about something as minor as a new York times article. She seems kind of manipulative and no, you did not mistreat her. She created a super intense situation with you, pulled you in, and then didn’t care about the feelings you had invested into it. She was absolutely messing with your head and was absolutely careless with your feelings. She went to a nude beach with an old hookup and made it very clear that her friends’ feelings were more important than yours. How else would you feel about that, especially given the history of everything else that happened. That’s the epitome of being selfish and disregarding your feelings! I’m so sorry you went through this, it seems like she really put you through a lot but I’m glad you got out of that situation. I know it sucks that things ended the way they did but trust me, you dodged a burning speeding bullet with that breakup. Maybe you should try journaling, even if just for a bit to try to sort out all of the stuff that happened between you guys. I don’t know everything about the situation but from what you described it sounds very painful and confusing and you probably need some time to sort it all out for yourself. Don’t contact her, keep your distance and just take some time to focus on you and come down from all of this. It was doomed from the start because you cannot have a functional, satisfying relationship when the entire thing is on the other person’s terms. If you don’t speak again you’re not missing out-it doesn’t feel like it right now but I think in time you will see that it is only for the best. Hang in there and I’m sorry again you went through that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author broodneach Posted June 5, 2016 Author Share Posted June 5, 2016 Thanks very much, everybody. I really appreciate the feedback. She actually gchatted me drunk today saying she needs to see other people for a while while I "work on myself" (she gave me a litany of heretofore-unspoken complaints yesterday about my clothes not being nice enough, my eating and sleeping habits not being great, etc.) if I want to be with her. I ended up ignoring it. Not sure if the shoe's on the other foot now or if she's just messing with me because she senses weakness, but I really don't like being insulted like this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted June 5, 2016 Share Posted June 5, 2016 Thanks very much, everybody. I really appreciate the feedback. She actually gchatted me drunk today saying she needs to see other people for a while while I "work on myself" (she gave me a litany of heretofore-unspoken complaints yesterday about my clothes not being nice enough, my eating and sleeping habits not being great, etc.) if I want to be with her. I ended up ignoring it. Not sure if the shoe's on the other foot now or if she's just messing with me because she senses weakness, but I really don't like being insulted like this. She's doing it because she can. No Contact. *No direct contact. *No sending or receiving of messages. *Block any means she might use to contact you. *No replies to anything that gets through your blocks. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete from all social media. *No monitoring of her on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying. Take care. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author broodneach Posted June 5, 2016 Author Share Posted June 5, 2016 She's doing it because she can. No Contact. Yeah, I said "hello" in response to "hi" and then didn't respond again after I realized what was going on. Got a new message every ten minutes or so for an hour, and she was the one who initiated. I hate these games but I do have experience playing them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted June 5, 2016 Share Posted June 5, 2016 Yeah, I said "hello" in response to "hi" and then didn't respond again after I realized what was going on. Got a new message every ten minutes or so for an hour, and she was the one who initiated. I hate these games but I do have experience playing them. Block her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted June 5, 2016 Share Posted June 5, 2016 Thanks very much, everybody. I really appreciate the feedback. She actually gchatted me drunk today saying she needs to see other people for a while while I "work on myself" (she gave me a litany of heretofore-unspoken complaints yesterday about my clothes not being nice enough, my eating and sleeping habits not being great, etc.) if I want to be with her. I ended up ignoring it. Not sure if the shoe's on the other foot now or if she's just messing with me because she senses weakness, but I really don't like being insulted like this. This is one of the flags for a sociopath FYI Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 5, 2016 Share Posted June 5, 2016 Block her, OP. She is a few fries short of a Happy Meal. Link to post Share on other sites
Buddhist Posted June 5, 2016 Share Posted June 5, 2016 What should I be thinking about this? Was it doomed? Was I oversensitive or was she just careless with my feelings? Was I careless with hers? Was I blinded by the great sex (although near the end it was starting to seem like a lot of work) and the cute, affectionate moments we had? Did one of us really mistreat the other one? Everyone who has ever broken up regrets it the very next day. No matter how bad the relationship, this feeling happens. It is simply the shock of no longer having what's familiar. Stick with it, give it a few weeks and you will travel this rollercoaster multiple times. It's not a sign you made the wrong choice, it's just your brain adjusting to the choice you made by endlessly rationalising your actions. It's normal, natural and not a sign that you should get back together. When relationships are bad enough that you've made the decision to leave it, they usually aren't salvageable. You're both early 20's, the chances of you two doing anything other than relating to each other on completely dysfunctional levels is extremely low. Take it for what it is, a massive lesson in the 'crazy' that arises when relationships happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author broodneach Posted June 6, 2016 Author Share Posted June 6, 2016 Got another one. Just said "Sorry. Good luck with everything." I know you guys said to block and I should have done it before that. I had like five minutes of the very worst feeling all throughout my body, like I was reliving some nightmare I'd had over and over again already and it would stop if I could just convince her to stop it but I knew she just couldn't be bothered to. It must be like 6AM where she is. I love the thrill of knowing she's still thinking about me, but I can't take knowing that I can't stop what's happening from happening, that she's going back to her old lifestyle despite all the things I did for her and despite what we had, and despite me trying to win her back. I think I need to really thoroughly implement NC if she keeps contacting me like this. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 6, 2016 Share Posted June 6, 2016 Got another one. Just said "Sorry. Good luck with everything." I know you guys said to block and I should have done it before that. I had like five minutes of the very worst feeling all throughout my body, like I was reliving some nightmare I'd had over and over again already and it would stop if I could just convince her to stop it but I knew she just couldn't be bothered to. It must be like 6AM where she is. I love the thrill of knowing she's still thinking about me, but I can't take knowing that I can't stop what's happening from happening, that she's going back to her old lifestyle despite all the things I did for her and despite what we had, and despite me trying to win her back. I think I need to really thoroughly implement NC if she keeps contacting me like this. You need to implement NC immediately. She isn't reverting back to her "old lifestyle" - this is who she is. You are just seeing that now. You barely know her, given the very brief period of time you dated. What you saw and are seeing isn't her past, it's her present. She's not girlfriend material at all. The only reason she's contacting you is because she enjoys playing games; it's not because she is suddenly missing you. She feeds off male attention and this is part of her play-book. Don't fall for it again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dumbass2 Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 Yeah, I said "hello" in response to "hi" and then didn't respond again after I realized what was going on. Got a new message every ten minutes or so for an hour, and she was the one who initiated. I hate these games but I do have experience playing them. you don't have to play them. you can block her or if you are strong enough and not in denial, just ignore her. Silence says more than words ever will. Like others have said, she is not girlfriend material and that is what you want from her. It isn't happening anytime soon. I've been through one of these and look back at it now as it was just a fun time and the two of us could never sustain a LTR. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 Thanks very much, everybody. I really appreciate the feedback. She actually gchatted me drunk today saying she needs to see other people for a while while I "work on myself" (she gave me a litany of heretofore-unspoken complaints yesterday about my clothes not being nice enough, my eating and sleeping habits not being great, etc.) if I want to be with her. I ended up ignoring it. Not sure if the shoe's on the other foot now or if she's just messing with me because she senses weakness, but I really don't like being insulted like this. i'd reply, you can just bet i would! i'd say thank you very much now go soak your dirty head. don't just "let her go", push her out of your life before you get cooties. she doesn't even like you. hell, i'd bet she doesn't even like herself, with good reason. you can do better. and to that end, realize that you do NOT do well in a FWB arrangement with a heartless user. good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author broodneach Posted June 9, 2016 Author Share Posted June 9, 2016 Thanks everyone for the support and humor. It took a little while but I'm making a real commitment to NC now. Deleted her number, blocked her gchat, defriended her on Facebook, etc. She wasn't who I thought she was and we didn't have what I thought we had. Trying to learn what I can from it and move on now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 Thanks everyone for the support and humor. It took a little while but I'm making a real commitment to NC now. Deleted her number, blocked her gchat, defriended her on Facebook, etc. She wasn't who I thought she was and we didn't have what I thought we had. Trying to learn what I can from it and move on now. happy dance. Link to post Share on other sites
Tressugar Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 Lol...I like that ExpatInItaly 'not by a country mile.' Link to post Share on other sites
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