2 yr. LTR GF smokes when she drinks - Im struggling to accept

[G. Arthur]

I am in an otherwise healthy 2 year LTR with a divorced mother of two. She is in her late 30's, I am in my early 40's.

 

When we were first starting to connect she and another couple were over at my home and we went outside. A friend offered us cigarettes and she accepted. I was disappointed, repulsed.

 

Backstory: I grew in the 80's both my father and my stepfather were heavy smokers, my siblings & I spent years in the cars with them endlessly puffing away - I hated it so much. In my early 30's, both my mother and my father died of Cancer. My father died from cancer of the esophagus - Doctors cited his heavy smoking. As an adult, I have found smoking to be viscerally unpleasant - the smell, the ritual, the health hazards, on & on.

 

When my GF/partner and I started dating there were no immediate situations which had revealed to me she was even a 'social smoker' until that night she was offered. Later our friends left and I tried to not let it bother me and we went to bed. I laid there and she smelled so bad, disgusting and I started feeling all of this anxiety welling up inside. I was so disappointed, I began second guessing my ability to keep-up the tremendous level of enthusiasm I had in investing myself in this (new) relationship with even a casual smoker. I ended up going out to my living room and sleeping on the couch. In the morning she came out and she felt bad, I felt bad and we talked. A lot was said, I explained my particular revulsion and where I think it stems from but also told her that if smoking is important to her, I don't want to make her do anything, or rather - stop doing anything that she doesn't want to but that if smoking was important we'd likely have to re-calibrate our relationship in a way that I was comfortable, dial it back a few steps. She earnestly expressed herself as so sorry and said that she doesn't ever need to smoke again.

 

With that behind us, or so I thought, our relationship continued to grow, intensify and we eventually found a house to rent and moved in together, her kids are with us every other week, we have a golden retriever and we live on the lake and have now been together almost 2 years. I know, seems nearly perfect, right?

 

It happened again last night at one of her friends parties. Again, I found myself feeling confused, disappointment and even disgusted. I couldn't say a word the whole way home. When we walked to the house I asked her to either take a shower or sleep in one her kids rooms (they were at their dad's). Today I feel horrible and I am not sure that I want to continue in a relationship where every time she or we go out, she just may elect to smoke when offered. This may only happen once a year, who can say? But I prefer it to never happen; I hate seeing her sucking on a cancer stick. Also weighing on me is this knot in my gut of worrying about it as a possibility every time she or we go out - how is that any way to carry on? ~ it tears me up to even type this but it honestly makes me seriously question this otherwise healthy, committed and even loving partnership.

 

She knew how I felt, she knows the losses i've had and that smoking has been ascribed as partial or even significant culprit to these quite early losses of my parents as suggested by family physicians/oncologists. ...so yes, when added all up, I am probably more fickle and temperamental when it comes to smoking than most. I still struggle with the loss of my parents, I miss them deeply and so, unfortunately for her, I am ultra sensitive with regards to smoking.

 

Even this morning she says she doesn't need to smoke but does sometimes, on rare occasions, when offered. ...really?

 

Am I overreacting? am I being unreasonable?

 

I am so confused.

Edited June 5, 2016 by G. Arthur

[Ami1uwant]

Why did you date her if you saw this early on. I don't date smokers. I find NFL it ha d to believe someone could smoke then not for a long period of the me.

[G. Arthur]

Your reply is a little confusing based on apparent typos, but I continued to date her because the first time it happened, we ultimately talked, addressed the situation and seemed to come to the conclusion that smoking isn't AT ALL important to her so she simply just wouldn't smoke again when offered (those were her words). She seemed earnest in that and also appreciated my perspective.

 

We actually knew each other through a job for 4 years prior to dating and I had never seen her smoke, so it surprised me that early in dating, she accepted that first cigarette. I didn't realize her occasional smoking 'indulgence' until that night. That was a singular 'bump' in an otherwise electric, romantic courtship. As far as I knew, she hadn't smoked again until last night but in talking this morning, she said something which indicated that the time at my home two years ago wasn't necessarily the last time she smoked - which, of course, surprised me.

 

I am sure we will talk later and I may seek clarification on that, but our dialog is on pause for awhile. She had a work commitment.

Edited June 5, 2016 by G. Arthur

[katiegrl]

JMO but I don't think smoking once a year with friends is that big of a deal.

 

Certainly not one that warrants *this* much anxiety.

 

I am wondering what exactly troubles you so much, especially if when she does you are not even aware of it 95% of the time.

 

Smoking is a dealbreaker for me, but not once a year.

 

Is it the fact she lied? Told you she wouldn't, but then did anyway?

 

THAT would bother me more than her having a cig once a year.

 

BTW, my mom suffered from emphysema and died from lung cancer... due to smoking.

 

Our entire house wreaked while growing up.

 

So yeah if a guy is an avid smokier, that is a dealbreaker, but again once a year would not be an issue for me at all...

[Poutrew]

You are not over reacting. Only someone who has had a loved one die of cancer can understand what it is like to go through that. As for her smoking, she is addicted to it in the same way a drug addict is addicted to heroin. She will lie and rug sweep in an attempt to make you feel better. But do not assume she only does it once a year - she smokes a lot more than that, only you don't know it because she covers her tracks. Ultimately, only you can answer the question as to whether you want to be in a relationship with someone who will probably die of lung cancer, and if not, and she does not make a real attempt to quit, you need to be prepared to walk.

[G. Arthur]

yes, that she told me emphatically that she wouldn't smoke again and then has is certainly equal parts the issue at this point.

 

I guess I need to ask her if or how much she has smoked since she told me she just wouldn't smoke anymore. I am actually not 100% sure she has but in the tense conversation we had this morning before she had to leave, she seemed to almost purposefully avoid saying that she hadn't smoked since that night almost two years ago. Simply, she hadn't smoked in a long time...

[anika99]

As an ex smoker I don't understand why anyone would smoke just a couple of time a year. I mean I have heard of people doing that but I just don't get it. How would that even be enjoyable? Most non smokers find the sensation of drawing toxic smoke into their lungs really unpleasant and even smokers didn't really love that sensation right away. Is your fiancé inhaling when she smokes?

 

Your gf isn't likely to get cancer from smoking one or two smokes a year but if that's all she is smoking then why even do it. Did she used to smoke? Or does she feel it's anti-social to refuse when offered? I think you are right to be upset. If for no other reason then she knows it upsets you and she claims she doesn't need to do it. Why do something you don't even care about doing when you know it upsets your partner so much?

[G. Arthur]

I will agree, I think it is quite fair to say that one or two smokes a year isn't gonna 'cause cancer.

 

I'll also concede that, in hindsight, I have used the culture and industry of cigarettes, smoking as a bottomless bucket to pour a lot of personal hurt & grief; that I have made a cultural health concern a personal monster as well. But really, if that is my shortcoming in surviving my parents death and my skewed manner in helping me cope with my parents loss, well, it could be worse. My sister is strung out on heroin these days, homeless. I could have turned to Heroin, instead I when I see my life partner smoking I have, perhaps, an exaggerated response compared to most. That is mine, I know but I expressed it to her and she stated nearly two years ago she understood and told me to my face that knowing it bothers me, and since she doesn't want to smoke, she wouldn't smoke again at ALL - so...ugh, wth?

Edited June 5, 2016 by G. Arthur

[katiegrl]

So the real issue is she lied, and you feel disrespected and hurt... as she is not considering and valuing your feelings about it....

 

That is fair!!!

 

And imo warrants re-evaluation of your relationship....

 

Pls tell her this, communication is key.

[NIGHT1985]

Eh.. I understand to a degree. When I started dating my ex, she told me she was a smoker(which I disliked) but told me she was trying to quit. In the 2 1/2 years we dated, she tried to quit twice, but something always came up which drove her back on. It wasn't a deal breaker to me as I loved her, but I can see it being annoying for some

[SammySammy]

I don't think you're overreacting.

 

It's a deal breaker for me. Something I won't accept. So, I'd unapologetically move on.

[BaileyB]

I too lived with a parent that smoked me out of the house and car so I understand your feelings and it is definitely a deal breaker for me. I think the bigger issue is that she knows how you feel about this and she chose to disregard your feelings/concern. I guess you have to decide if this situation/smoking socially is more or less important than all the other good qualities about her/things you share.

[Emilia]

I know plenty of people that casually smoke. I'm a former smoker, myself. The frequency depends on how addictive someone's personality is.

 

In the past it wouldn't have bothered me (even after I stopped smoking) but nowdays it would. I would struggle to kiss someone and taste it on them let alone the health risks. I guess I feel I about alcohol the way you feel about cigarettes OP.

 

Up to you, really. No right or wrong answer.

[Lois_Griffin]

So big deal - once a year she enjoys a cigarette or two socially when you're out having drinks and you're acting like the freakin' sky is falling. Such drama.

 

And your thread title isn't even accurate - she doesn't 'smoke when she drinks.' That implies she does it every single time she has a drink.

 

What's next - banning foods with red dye #7? Forbidding alcohol? Putting parental controls on the cable box so she can't see R-rated movies? Jeez.

 

Your dumping your baggage on her front porch and expecting her to jump through hoops for you.

 

My husband's first wife was an alcoholic for many years. And a mean one. Life was hell for him for many years. She died fairly young, no doubt due to alcohol related (and other) health issues. Never once has he tried to force a no-drinking rule on ME (not that I'd bend to that nonsense anyway).

 

There are much bigger and more important things to worry about than a cigarette once a year for God's sakes. And if that's the WORST thing you're dealing with? You need to thank your lucky stars.

 

When you get older and wiser, you'll find out that compromise is key.