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How do I know if I'm too independent or the relationship is wrong?

chrisdole

By chrisdole
in General Relationship Discussion

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chrisdole New Member

chrisdole

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As the title says, I'm trying to figure out if my relationship problems are due to my personality, my selfishness, or if I'm with the wrong woman. I've been dating my girlfriend about a year and half, and she often complains about missing me or not spending enough time together. I feel like I've made adjustments to spend more time together but it's not enough. For me, I am flexing to even spend as much time together as we do.

 

Her need to spend more time together than me is actually kind of unattractive to me. It makes me resent her somewhat because I feel like she can't find ways to keep herself busy. That's how I feel but it makes me feel like a jerk at the same time.

 

I feel like many women are the same way though. Their lives revolve around their relationship and it defines them. I think women are just more relationship oriented.

 

The reason I even need to ask these questions is because this is my first relationship that has persisted beyond the honeymoon period. I'm trying to figure out what adjustments I need to make to be in a healthy relationship vs when it is time to throw in the towel due to an incompatibility.

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mrldii Established Member

mrldii

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Before I can comment, I'd need to know:

 

* how much "available" time do you have to give to a relationship; and

 

* how much of that "available time" do you give this girlfriend?

 

 

 

Having said that, even if YOU feel spending 3 minutes/week with a significant other is more than enough, there will be a woman out there who feels similarly. She may be harder to find (almost *like* finding a needle in a haystack), but it can be done.

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sparkle222 Established Member

sparkle222

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How old are you?

Buddhist Established Member

Buddhist

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As the title says, I'm trying to figure out if my relationship problems are due to my personality, my selfishness, or if I'm with the wrong woman. I've been dating my girlfriend about a year and half, and she often complains about missing me or not spending enough time together. I feel like I've made adjustments to spend more time together but it's not enough. For me, I am flexing to even spend as much time together as we do.

 

Then you are not compatible. If you have to reach that far and it's still not enough it's a sign you both have totally irreconcilable needs. She clearly wants more than you are willing to give. That doesn't make you a jerk, it makes you incompatible. Move on.

 

There are women who will not want to spend as much time with you, go find one. You may just be predisposed to choosing clingy women, pick a different kind of girl next time. Those girls who are quick to reciprocate interest, attend dates quickly and line up to be available whenever you are etc. They are clingy girls. Go find yourself an aloof one next time.

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chrisdole New Member

chrisdole

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I'm 27.

 

As far as available time, if I'm not spending time with friends (which is at most maybe one night every two weeks or so), I don't have commitments most week nights. It seems like I usually have an equivalent of one whole weekend day free and most friday nights.

 

We usually spend two one weeknight together, Friday night, and maybe half of a weekend day.

 

All of the other time we're not spending together I'm filling with hobbies or work, so I feel like it's productive time for me personally.

mrldii Established Member

mrldii

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Generally-speaking, relationships move...either forward or backward.

 

Based on what you've written, it seems like your girlfriend is wanting this relationship to move forward; after a year-and-a-half together, continuing to spend the same amount of time together (Friday night and Saturday morning) is not accomplishing that.

 

Generally-speaking, over time, couples begin integrating each other into the time spent with friends/doing hobbies together.

 

The fact that you've not done that, doesn't necessarily mean you're a Bad Guy or there's something wrong with you,

 

but - IMHO - it does suggest she's not The One. If she wants to be your The One, it's probably time to re-evaluate how you both see this relationship...and where it's going (if anywhere).

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP...

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preraph Established Member

preraph

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For whatever reason, you're choosing the wrong kind of women. So you need to change whatever you're doing in the selection process. Start choosing women who have a good career, the kind you have to stay focused on to keep, not girls with transient jobs anyone could do. Choose a woman with some education. Choose a woman who lives alone. I think that would be a very good indicator she is independent enough for you. Make it a qualifier. Ask "Do you have a roommate?" If she lives with her parents, forget it. If she has a roommate, ask her what's the longest she has ever lived alone. Pick someone who has at least done it and liked having a place to themselves. Someone who wants to live with people even if they could afford their own place may be independent financially but codependent emotionally. Nothing wrong with that, but it's not a good match for you in particular.

alwaysgreener Member

alwaysgreener

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My experience is the same thing, even with my fiance, there's no such thing as spending enough time together. I'm sitting around trying to figure out how to gain a little more autonomy while she's trying to figure out how we can spend more time together.

 

Ya'll are scaring me a bit with the comments, I find myself in the same boat at times. I've questioned our compatibility although from my observations the phrase "a man's love is life, a woman's life is love" does seem to have some validity.

Edited by alwaysgreener
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katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

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Posted (edited)
Then you are not compatible. If you have to reach that far and it's still not enough it's a sign you both have totally irreconcilable needs. She clearly wants more than you are willing to give. That doesn't make you a jerk, it makes you incompatible. Move on.

 

There are women who will not want to spend as much time with you, go find one. You may just be predisposed to choosing clingy women, pick a different kind of girl next time. Those girls who are quick to reciprocate interest, attend dates quickly and line up to be available whenever you are etc.

 

--

 

**They are clingy girls. Go find yourself an aloof one next time.

 

LOL, well she does not need to be "aloof" ....just not clingy more independent!

 

OP, you need an independent girl.......there are many of us out there.

 

Space differences are like the number one thing that dating couples fight about and break up over.

 

The one who needs more time together feels unloved and neglected...... and the person who needs more lone time and space feels suffocated.

 

You are just not compatible in that regard.

Edited by katiegrl
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Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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A year and a half and spends only Friday nights and part of a weekend? He doesn't want a girlfriend, he wants an FB. The two of them are not on the same page in terms of "relationship" goals. C'mon now. If he was serious about her, he'd be upping things for her on his own and long before now. He's not meeting her needs, she's let him know that and he doesn't care. Instead of being clingy, she should move on.

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chicaboom Established Member

chicaboom

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Hey Chris dole, don't freak out I'm not actually your girlfriend, but I came to this forum to post the opposite of your post. I FEEL LIKE YOUR GIRLFRIEND EXACTLY! I am in the exact same relationship as you.

 

I came to this forum to ask how to know whether your partner is TOO INDEPENDENT to be in a relationship. I feel like my boyfriend is super independent and likes to spend a lot of time on his own. He tries to be flexible to see me more often, but mostly we just see each other on the weekends. However, this is not enough for me. I am very busy and I myself feel like I am independent as well, but I want to see my boyfriend more often and spend more time with him b/c I'm worried that we can't build a proper relationship if we only see each other on the weekends for the next x amount of years. He lives an hour away from me so it's hard to see each other often during the weekdays, but not impossible.

 

Would love to hear your insight on this so I can understand his mind more! From your perspective, do you see yourself not trying to see your girlfriend more often? Why is that a problem for you? Do you think this is a deal breaker? Ideally how often would you like to see her?

Justanaverageguy Established Member

Justanaverageguy

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Hey Chrisdole,

 

Speaking as some one who is very independent and have come across this issue in the past with dating so I think I can offer some advice here. This is not really a man\woman issue at all. Its a straight up personality issue. Some men want to spend a lot of time with their partners as well and some women want to be more independent. It happens the other way around as well. Granted it is a little more common the way you describe.

 

I used to think I was a bit weird - but I know now there are actually a lot of people in the same boat and there is nothing wrong with it. It just means you need to be smarter when picking your relationship partners. I've learnt that it really is best to find someone on the same page as you who "gets it". And believe me there are women out there who do get it and actually find your independence an attractive quality because they work the same way. You will know it when you find one of these. The time together is actually enhanced by the fact you both are allowed time to do your own thing. It sounds counter productive to most people - but when you are an independent type you get this.

 

A girl who craves and requires constant attention just simply won't work for someone like you. You can explain it to them all you want .... but they find your absence and aloofness as difficult to deal with as you find her neediness. You will both feel like you are making compromises but neither will be satisfied or happy and in the end it will end badly. She will end up feeling neglected, unloved and that leads to fights, anger and potentially cheating.

 

My advice is if this is becoming a major issue after 18 months - its only going to get exponentially worse in a year or 2. The key to a long lasting and healthy relationship is understanding what you need - what your partner needs and being willing to make the hard decisions on whether they are compatible.

 

Also random question - are you an Aquarius ? Typical issue\trait for them. You might think star signs are crap but I advise you to try dating and Aquarius woman. They are usually perfect for independent guys.

Justanaverageguy Established Member

Justanaverageguy

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I am in the exact same relationship as you.

 

I came to this forum to ask how to know whether your partner is TOO INDEPENDENT to be in a relationship.

 

Truthfully there is no such thing. Your partner could however be too independent to be in a relationship with you. Its about compatibility.

 

Would love to hear your insight on this so I can understand his mind more! From your perspective, do you see yourself not trying to see your girlfriend more often? Why is that a problem for you? Do you think this is a deal breaker? Ideally how often would you like to see her?

 

I'm not the OP but I will offer a response on the part of an independent guy. For the independent guy it has absolutely nothing - repeat nothing - to do with how much he likes the girl. It is simply the way his brain works. I would say the key thing is not always about how often you see the person. It is what the person demands of you when you are together.

 

I need what I call "me time". I'm extremely outgoing and most people would call me an extrovert but I am definitely not. I get my energy and recharge from spending time alone which is what a real introvert is. I love socializing and talking with people but these situations drain me and I need to balance it with alone time where I can recharge to feel healthy and sane. Too much time with others even if its just a girlfriend leaves me feeling completely sapped of energy and I get grumpy and rude and feel unbalanced. The greatest trait I can find in a women I date is one who I can be in the same room with but also feel "alone" at the same time. When she understands that I need my space and isn't constantly pulling my energy away with nagging questions. EG: Look at this photo on facebook, what should we have for dinner, what do you want to do next Saturday. A woman who understands this and leaves me be when I need it is GOLD. Seriously - THIS single trait is marriage material for me. To be able to be together but also "alone" at the same time. So how often I see a girl is not the most important thing. If she can do this then we can live together and see each other every day. Like I said marriage material.

 

Aside from the energy side of things I love variety and doing my own things outside of the relationship. Spending times with friends without your girlfriend, working on "man" projects :p, studying, reading, exploring things. Taking in new experiences alone is different to doing them as a couple. I like to have both and I love to have a girl who enjoys both. I like it when she actually wants to do her own thing, has her own personal friends and adventures. It gives us something interesting to talk about when we are togerther. If we don't have this - I get bored and the time we spend together is low quality anyway because I won't be engaged with her properly.

 

Hope that gives you some perspective.

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Emilia Established Member

Emilia

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I think your 'girlfriend' can tell that you only want to see her when you want sex. That's 3 times a week so you see her 3 nights a week. I agree that she should stop asking you, if she wants a relationship that's going anywhere, she should dump you.

 

Most people in a relationship that's progressing will have more flexible arrangements: maybe couple of week nights during the week, weekends together or just a day in a weekend together. Depending on what they are up to. Going away together perhaps or just wanting to laze around on a Sunday etc. Maybe see friends or do hobbies more one weekend while apart but spend other weekends as a couple.

 

The issue isn't independence, it's lack of emotional investment.

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chicaboom Established Member

chicaboom

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Thanks Justanaverageguy. That does give me insight. I would also classify myself as an introvert. My boyfriend is definitely an introvert as well. My ideal time spent with him is actually working on our own projects but sitting together on the couch on our won laptops or in the same house. I actually don't always have to go out and do things, I also feel drained by these things especially after a long week.

 

I guess I just want to spend more time with him so that I know that we are indeed compatible. Like we don't always have to do something but even just being in the same room together or working on our own project is enough. But weekdays are too hectic b/c he lives an hour away and he says he doesn't sleep that well when he comes over to stay at my place in the city during the weekdays.

 

Anyways, thank you for posting this. Was a great explanation. I guess I will have to seriously consider if we are compatible or whether it's time to throw in the towel, just like the OP.

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