Girlfriend needs time to find herself

[hampern]

Okay so my girlfriend came home after a night out yesterday and we got into a argument. She was supposed to graduate from school in a week but she failed her finals and she thought i wasnt there for her. She felt as if she couldn't talk to me, i wasnt supportive. While i can agree i have taken her for granted, i had no idea it was this bad.

 

So i go over there and we talk it out for an hour or so, and we both cry and say we don't want it to end. But she feels as if she has lost herself and needs to find her way back, it isnt like it used to be. She also said, this is not a break to go **** other people, its more of a pause for a few days or weeks to firgure thing out on our own. we ended it by hugging and kissing and saying we loved each other and hoped it would all feel better soon. and I left. this was just 30 minutes ago. Im a wreck right now, as i know what a "break" means. I am just scared that I lose the love of my life. so what i am wondering, how should I solve this? Is there anything I can do? Or am I just to wait for her to make up her mind.

 

I feel like i need to do something. Prom is in just 2 days, if she wont take me, as i spent 300 dollars on getting ready. I may just end it. feels like there is no reason to keep fighting if she doesnt want to keep going. I love her with all my heart and it hurt so much. But i need to do someting. I appreciate any advice, i posted this on reddit too and got some great support from some amazing people.

 

but I just need to talk, im in a really dark place.. and I dont know how to solve it.

[MIK3 WB]

So she feels like you weren't there for her, so her solution is to get away from you (making her initial problem worse) rather than fixing it.

 

I don't know man, it doesn't look good. I don't wanna get your hopes up and tell you things will be fine, as many people on this site will maintain that "a break" is basically a break up waiting to happen.

[hampern]

So she feels like you weren't there for her, so her solution is to get away from you (making her initial problem worse) rather than fixing it.

 

I don't know man, it doesn't look good. I don't wanna get your hopes up and tell you things will be fine, as many people on this site will maintain that "a break" is basically a break up waiting to happen.

 

thats, good, i respect giving it to straight. yeah i just texted her, "I hope you are doing alright, just know that I love you" we'll see i have prepared for the worst, so im not gonna get my hopes up. im jsut in chock

[hampern]

thats, good, i respect giving it to straight. yeah i just texted her, "I hope you are doing alright, just know that I love you" we'll see i have prepared for the worst, so im not gonna get my hopes up. im jsut in chock

 

It is just the timing of it all, just before she graduates. It is like she wants to be single for it so she can meet other people. I dont know, it just came out of the blue so im super confused

[MIK3 WB]

Same thing happened to me about a month ago man, it's not fun to be played with by these games.

 

You need to be direct with her about the status of your relationship. Don't accept the vague wishy washy statements saying "I need to figure myself out". That's something many people just say before they have sex with someone else. There's no reason she can't "figure herself out" without your support. Sounds like an excuse to just get away and that's not a good sign.

Edited June 5, 2016 by MIK3 WB

[basil67]

You're absolutely right that there's no use trying to save this if she doesn't want to. It takes two to fix a relationship. Besides the fact that in a good relationship, a person should be able to work through personal drama without taking a break. Imagine if married couples upped and called a break when things to pear shaped.

 

For what it's worth, I wouldn't agree to a break. I'd tell her that you're up for fixing the problems together or ending it. But being strung along while she works her stuff out isn't acceptable.

[hampern]

Same thing happened to me about a month ago man, it's not fun to be played with by these games.

 

You need to be direct with her about the status of your relationship. Don't accept the vague wishy washy statements saying "I need to figure myself out". That's something many people just say before they have sex with someone else. There's no reason she can't "figure herself out" without your support. Sounds like an excuse to just get away and that's not a good sign.

 

Yup, i made it very clear now. I texted her that i love you, and i hope you are doing alright. and that i wont wait around for you to make up your mind, i will wait until prom that is in 2 days. and if you still havent made up your mind. its over. I want to be able to get on with my life, im not a fan of thses games. shes just waiting to get someone else to sleep with before she dumps my ass. and i do not tolerate that

[hampern]

You're absolutely right that there's no use trying to save this if she doesn't want to. It takes two to fix a relationship. Besides the fact that in a good relationship, a person should be able to work through personal drama without taking a break. Imagine if married couples upped and called a break when things to pear shaped.

 

For what it's worth, I wouldn't agree to a break. I'd tell her that you're up for fixing the problems together or ending it. But being strung along while she works her stuff out isn't acceptable.

 

exactly what i said, i said why dont we work it out as a couple? she just said she needed time on her own to find herself what ever that means. I think im just going to rip the bandade off prom night, if she still hasnt come around. if shes come around, ill give it a chance and if it doesnt work. im just going to end it. its better for us both that way.

[basil67]

exactly what i said, i said why dont we work it out as a couple? she just said she needed time on her own to find herself what ever that means. I think im just going to rip the bandade off prom night, if she still hasnt come around. if shes come around, ill give it a chance and if it doesnt work. im just going to end it. its better for us both that way.

 

Good plan. ..

[hampern]

Good plan. ..

are you being sarcasitc? i cannot tell

[Alamo657]

Yup, i made it very clear now. I texted her that i love you, and i hope you are doing alright. and that i wont wait around for you to make up your mind, i will wait until prom that is in 2 days. and if you still havent made up your mind. its over. I want to be able to get on with my life, im not a fan of thses games. shes just waiting to get someone else to sleep with before she dumps my ass. and i do not tolerate that

 

It's great that you already have the experience to realize that, i wish i learned such things when i was younger !

 

Good job at being strong and dignified when offered an unnaceptable deal.

[hampern]

It's great that you already have the experience to realize that, i wish i learned such things when i was younger !

 

Good job at being strong and dignified when offered an unnaceptable deal.

 

thank you! I just feel im worth more than that, i said that im sorry if came of as an ultimatum, i dont want to back her into a corner and force her to make a decision. I want it to be what she wants, as i clearly still want her. Its just hard i want to be there for her, but i dont want to come off as to clingy. its hard finding that balance

[Alamo657]

thank you! I just feel im worth more than that, i said that im sorry if came of as an ultimatum, i dont want to back her into a corner and force her to make a decision. I want it to be what she wants, as i clearly still want her. Its just hard i want to be there for her, but i dont want to come off as to clingy. its hard finding that balance

 

By offering you an ambigous "break" (which really means "i want to date other people but i'm still very attached to you"), she is placing HER needs above yours.

 

By telling her a "break" is not acceptable and it will be a break-up or a committed relationship, you are reacting to her selfishness by asserting YOUR needs.

 

When people's feelings are not in tune anymore, there is no balance to be found, you must revert to self-preservation and dignity; the fact is, giving in to unnaceptable deals doesn't make you look good or understanding, it makes you look weak and aimless.

 

The subsequent "sleeping around" that your soon-to-be-ex will indulge into will reinforce your resolve.

Edited June 5, 2016 by Alamo657

[hampern]

By offering you an ambigous "break" (which really means "i want to date other people but i'm still very attached to you"), she is placing HER needs above yours.

 

By telling her a "break" is not acceptable and it will be a break-up or a committed relationship, you are reacting to her selfishness by asserting YOUR needs.

 

When people's feelings are not in tune anymore, there is no balance to be found, you must revert to self-preservation and dignity; the fact is, giving in to unnaceptable deals doesn't make you look good or understanding, it makes you look weak and aimless.

 

that a very valid point I told her that i dont want the break, i made that very clear. i sent the text like this " "im sorry this is just very hard for me, im getting anxious not knowing where our relationship is heading, i still love and you and want to work it out. But im saying good night, and talk to me when you are ready" and then i added " ta the time you need, i dont want to pressure you into making a decision that you will regret, becuas when we are pressured we always make bad decisions"

 

It just makes me come off as weak, but i still want her to understand that i am here for her. She can rely on me, i just need to get an answear. I cant wait around, as im worth more than that. probably alot of rambling but i dont know

[Alamo657]

that a very valid point I told her that i dont want the break, i made that very clear. i sent the text like this " "im sorry this is just very hard for me, im getting anxious not knowing where our relationship is heading, i still love and you and want to work it out. But im saying good night, and talk to me when you are ready" and then i added " ta the time you need, i dont want to pressure you into making a decision that you will regret, becuas when we are pressured we always make bad decisions"

By saying this you put the ball in her court, you're giving her the power to decide the future of the relationship. You're making her the locomotive, and you the wagon, telling her "i'm smitten with you, please stay with me".

 

It just makes me come off as weak, but i still want her to understand that i am here for her. She can rely on me, i just need to get an answear. I cant wait around, as im worth more than that. probably alot of rambling but i dont know

I don't know if your GF will guilt trip you about how "she needs someone who understand her and is there for her" to cement the break-up, but there is a major difference between being dependable, and being available.

 

You're available for her ? Big deal, as are all the men who want her body, or that she feels attracted to.

 

Wether or not you're dependable, that's the relationship you both had that will make her decide it.

 

You've said enough, leave her be and wait.

[hampern]

By saying this you put the ball in her court, you're giving her the power to decide the future of the relationship. You're making her the locomotive, and you the wagon, telling her "i'm smitten with you, please stay with me".

 

I don't know if your GF will guilt trip you about how "she needs someone who understand her and is there for her" to cement the break-up, but there is a major difference between being dependable, and being available.

 

You're available for her ? Big deal, as are all the men who want her body, or that she feels attracted to.

 

Wether or not you're dependable, that's the relationship you both had that will make her decide it.

 

You've said enough, leave her be and wait.

Yeah i feel like anything I say now will only make it worse, i will just wait it out and see where it goes. I have a feeling its not going to a good place. but we have always had it so good, i dont understand where all of this is coming from

Edited June 5, 2016 by hampern

[hampern]

Yeah i feel like anything I say now will only make it worse, i will just wait it out and see where it goes. I have a feeling its not going to a good place. but we have always had it so good, i dont understand where all of this is coming from

 

i cant stop crying, looking at pictues of us. even thought its not truely over yet it feels that way, im a mess

[basil67]

i cant stop crying, looking at pictues of us. even thought its not truely over yet it feels that way, im a mess

 

A lot of how you're feeling now is because she's got you firmly by the scrotum. You're in limbo and feeling completely out of control. Your destiny is currently in her control.

 

While I agree that leaving this till prom is good, if you need to get control back into your life, then just tell her that you can't wait till prom and need to make that decision now.

 

If it does end, you'll feel really bad for a few weeks. Allow yourself to grieve the loss for a while and then start rebuild your life.

[hampern]

A lot of how you're feeling now is because she's got you firmly by the scrotum. You're in limbo and feeling completely out of control. Your destiny is currently in her control.

 

While I agree that leaving this till prom is good, if you need to get control back into your life, then just tell her that you can't wait till prom and need to make that decision now.

 

If it does end, you'll feel really bad for a few weeks. Allow yourself to grieve the loss for a while and then start rebuild your life.

 

she has complete controll over me, but i dont think i have allowed this to shine though. I want to come off as independent, and i hope i succeded. But she was my world really, i passed on many opportunities for this girl, as i thought we would be toghether for ever. but im just naive and stupid. i see that now. In two days, at prom night its make or break time. it will decide how my future is shaped. I hope it goes the right way, may not be able to handle it.

[Alamo657]

i cant stop crying, looking at pictues of us. even thought its not truely over yet it feels that way, im a mess

Think of it as drug relapse. You know it's bad for you, but you still crave it.

[hampern]

Think of it as drug relapse. You know it's bad for you, but you still crave it.

 

i need to fight for this, i do not want to lose it Im notgoing out without a fight. looking at pictures from my prom its just so surreal that i wont see her looking at me that way again, it makes me feel helpless

[Cherryz]

Things as support are really important in any relationship.(friends,gf/bf/, family etc.)

 

So if she dont feel supported by you all the time or she have to scream for it every-time

then maybe the 2 of you are just not a match.

 

It sound like she really needs support now that she failed school but want only people that she feel really supported by.

 

I guess you guys are young, so this is not the end of the world.

And if its a break up learn from it and work on the things you see that you wasnt great at.

Respect that she need a break. And go do things with yourself and friends.

And ask her if she would still go to this party with you.

 

But dont make your 300$ more important then her situation.

 

And i think this may be the end of the relationship. It happen.

Not every gf/bf is your soulmate.

[hampern]

Things as support are really important in any relationship.(friends,gf/bf/, family etc.)

 

So if she dont feel supported by you all the time or she have to scream for it every-time

then maybe the 2 of you are just not a match.

 

It sound like she really needs support now that she failed school but want only people that she feel really supported by.

 

I guess you guys are young, so this is not the end of the world.

And if its a break up learn from it and work on the things you see that you wasnt great at.

Respect that she need a break. And go do things with yourself and friends.

And ask her if she would still go to this party with you.

 

But dont make your 300$ more important then her situation.

 

And i think this may be the end of the relationship. It happen.

Not every gf/bf is your soulmate.

 

its just so hard for me to accept it, i feel i have always done her right. ive been a shoulder to cry on. And i screw up this one time and its all over. I cannot believe it, these pictures are just too much, i am losing controll. I feel like its not worth keeping on living. shes my world, and thats probably part of the problem

[Tahirthegreat]

From personal experience, anytime the words "I need a break", "I need to find myself/ figure out what I want" or anything similar to that usually means "im going to/ am having sex with someone else that isnt you, but I want you to hang around until im finished so I can fall back on you"

 

Forget about this one and move on with your life.

[elaine567]

People who want to work on relationships stay in relationships and work things out, people who leave to sort their head out and want "breaks" are contemplating life on their own without you.