Need Motivation to Approach Women

[TheBathWater]

Here's my situation. I'm 32, attractive/fit, successful, smart, talented, and have a lot of dating and relationship experience. But I'm 5'6" and I think this kills my confidence and fuels my excuses as to why I don't approach women anymore. I used to approach women regularly in my twenties and did fine, but I think I've just become more jaded and bitter with failed romances over the years. I also have this story I tell myself that height matters more as you get older. I've tried OLD and it's simply not enough. I don't want it to be my only avenue. Sometimes I go to bars alone, but everyone just stares at their phones or talks to their friends, and I feel like an idiot sitting alone with my drink.

 

I have this theory that if I were to start approaching women again that I'd get more dates than I realize, and potentially a relationship if I meet the right person at the right time. I simply need to go into approaches with positive energy and confidence, and not thinking about my height or how embarrassing it will be when some women inevitably reject me. But I don't even know where to build the confidence from. It's crazy. I think I'm actually a good catch if you get to know me, but I really don't have a strong social circle to hang out with/go out with and I do get quite anxious when thinking of approaching strangers. I've even thought of hiring a dating coach.

 

So, I guess I'm looking for some motivation or pointers. I don't think my situation is going to get much better by sitting around and doing nothing or complaining. I feel the only way out of the frustration is to go directly into the frustration and act in spite of my fears and doubts.

 

Ladies or guys, any encouragement or reality checks are sorely appreciated.

Edited June 5, 2016 by TunaInTheBrine

[smackie9]

For starters yes change your attitude, be positive.

Next just be friendly/casual.

Be up beat, smile a lot, trust people more.

Make more friends, enhance your social life.

Get more involved with people and activities.

 

This will help you find quality/stable women, and attract them to you.

[Shanex]

Going to the bars alone, I've done that a number of times and it occasionally got me laid. In my younger days. Oddly, this didn't happen much when I was hanging out in the same places with a bunch of friends. Groups rarely talk to other groups, or as you said, they stare into their phones or remain within their circle of friends. So approaching a woman in said groups isn't easy.

 

Work is out of the equation unless you're interested in a woman in a different department.

 

What about other passions or volunteering ?

 

Being lonely all the time might not be too appealing for women. You need to make friends, or hang out with those you have already. It's harder to make new friends past 30, for many people.

[Buddhist]

Here's my situation. I'm 32, attractive/fit, successful, smart, talented, and have a lot of dating and relationship experience.

 

Since you mentioned a successful past I'm inclined to accept that you are as you say you are.

 

But I'm 5'6" and I think this kills my confidence and fuels my excuses as to why I don't approach women anymore. I used to approach women regularly in my twenties and did fine, but I think I've just become more jaded and bitter with failed romances over the years.

 

So how did the height get connected to jaded romances? Or rather how is it the height gained prominence in your mind?

 

I also have this story I tell myself that height matters more as you get older.

 

That's a bizarre story. What have age and height got to do with anything? It seems to be you've set yourself up on a fast downhill run to nowheresville with that story, since there is nothing you can do about either your age or your height.

 

So, I guess I'm looking for some motivation or pointers. I don't think my situation is going to get much better by sitting around and doing nothing or complaining. I feel the only way out of the frustration is to go directly into the frustration and act in spite of my fears and doubts.

 

I think you are correct to realise that the height isn't an issue so much as an excuse. It may serve you to get to the bottom of the real reason why you no longer date. That jadedness and bitterness you speak about, without fixing that approaching women will just result in more frustration and even a confirmation bias that your height is the issue.

[TheBathWater]

Going to the bars alone, I've done that a number of times and it occasionally got me laid. In my younger days. Oddly, this didn't happen much when I was hanging out in the same places with a bunch of friends. Groups rarely talk to other groups, or as you said, they stare into their phones or remain within their circle of friends. So approaching a woman in said groups isn't easy.

 

Work is out of the equation unless you're interested in a woman in a different department.

 

What about other passions or volunteering ?

 

Being lonely all the time might not be too appealing for women. You need to make friends, or hang out with those you have already. It's harder to make new friends past 30, for many people.

 

I've had some success in bars before, but I was always with friends. Some of the women were in very small groups, others were alone. I always approached them one-on-one at the right moment, and usually it was a brief interaction with a number exchange. I can only think of a couple who I took home that same night. Those were my early-mid twenties. I don't think many women around my age (early 30's) are still into that, and those who are, I'm not sure I'm into them.

 

Yes, work is out of the equation. I work in business for myself.

 

I have some passions and hobbies, but the trouble in this area is that I don't have a social circle anymore, and lots of these people show up to events with other friends. I feel kind of dumb without at least having a wingman buddy I can talk to in-between approaching girls.

 

Yes, making friends past 30 is HARD. I never would have imagined this when I was younger, because I was quite social and knew a lot of people. Everyone is either married, relocated far away, or went off the deep end.

 

I did just join a few Meetup groups that fit for me and I am relocating to a bigger city in a few weeks to try and give myself a better chance.

[TheBathWater]

So how did the height get connected to jaded romances? Or rather how is it the height gained prominence in your mind?

The only thing I can think of is that I've had a sharp increase in (non-romantic) relationship experiences with bullying over the last five years or so, especially in the workplace. I'm sure this is not just height related, but it becomes hard after a while to not internalize this stuff. You breathe it every day and see taller/incompetent people get promoted over you while others seem to disrespect you, when you are the overqualified one in the room. This is why I ultimately went into business for myself, which is A LOT better for my day-to-day life, but the effects linger and I do feel it erodes my confidence. My best friend of 15 years who I got an apartment with for a little while, he started bullying me too and our friendship ended (he also had some psych issues). Another supposed friend of mine started trying to steal my then girlfriend and then the subsequent girls I was dating. It was nuts! I've just experienced way too many betrayals, and I don't see how people could feel it's okay to take advantage of me unless they saw me as an easy target. No amount of mature confrontation or communication on my part seemed to work, so I had to leave those relationships. But it has all left me quite wounded. Those were my long-term buddies and colleagues.

 

I think you are correct to realise that the height isn't an issue so much as an excuse. It may serve you to get to the bottom of the real reason why you no longer date. That jadedness and bitterness you speak about, without fixing that approaching women will just result in more frustration and even a confirmation bias that your height is the issue.

 

I completely agree. I have no idea how to go about this though other than getting new experiences with women by approaching them and challenging myself constantly. It feels like WAY more work than I have the energy for, but I fear the long-term consequence of NOT taking action are going to be far worse if I just give in to myself and do nothing.

Edited June 5, 2016 by TunaInTheBrine

[Satu]

Try the common interest route.

 

Join some clubs and societies related to your interests.

 

When you meet people in that setting, you have something to talk about right from the start.

 

 

Take care.

[xxoo]

I notice attractive men your height all the time. I'm sure other women do, too. Keep your shoulders straight and head up. Make eye contact. You may be surprised by who is noticing you. Then smile. Exchange a few glances. If she keeps looking your way, sidle up and make her laugh.

 

Doesn't that sound fun?

[TheBathWater]

I notice attractive men your height all the time. I'm sure other women do, too. Keep your shoulders straight and head up. Make eye contact. You may be surprised by who is noticing you. Then smile. Exchange a few glances. If she keeps looking your way, sidle up and make her laugh.

 

Doesn't that sound fun?

 

Ha! No, that sounds terrifying! And I hate the thought of exercising the courage and hope to try, only to stay alone in the end. Sometimes it feels like just giving in to being alone is easier, but I know it's really not in the long run.

 

Listen to this one. A few weeks ago I was at a coffee shop doing some reading. An attractive woman was waiting for her cup at the coffee bar, looked right at me and smiled. You know what I did? I looked away! *slaps forehead*

 

It is really awful just how in my head I can get these days! I am sure more women notice me than I give credit for. Like I said, I do think I'm a good catch, but I am my own worst enemy as well.

[xxoo]

Ha! No, that sounds terrifying! And I hate the thought of exercising the courage and hope to try, only to stay alone in the end. Sometimes it feels like just giving in to being alone is easier, but I know it's really not in the long run.

 

Listen to this one. A few weeks ago I was at a coffee shop doing some reading. An attractive woman was waiting for her cup at the coffee bar, looked right at me and smiled. You know what I did? I looked away! *slaps forehead*

 

It is really awful just how in my head I can get these days! I am sure more women notice me than I give credit for. Like I said, I do think I'm a good catch, but I am my own worst enemy as well.

 

Oh my! Tuna! haha!

 

You need practice. Baby steps. When I walk my dog in my suburban community, or go for a jog, I make eye contact with and say "Hey" to each person who passes by. Almost everyone returns the eye contact and the greeting. Some don't. Can you do that? Do you have opportunities for that sort of practice?

[BlueIris]

I've had some success in bars before, but I was always with friends. Some of the women were in very small groups, others were alone. I always approached them one-on-one at the right moment, and usually it was a brief interaction with a number exchange. I can only think of a couple who I took home that same night. Those were my early-mid twenties. I don't think many women around my age (early 30's) are still into that, and those who are, I'm not sure I'm into them...

 

Maybe you’re not “motivated” because you don’t know what’s motivating you.

 

You really already have a motivation. It’s whatever makes you want to approach women or think you should want to.

 

If you really think about it in an unedited, non-judgmental way, is it sex, family, stability, partnership, loneliness, validation, boredom, attention, love, to fit in with your married friends, something else? Know what your true goal is for yourself (no, not what you want her to look like or the type of woman you want) and anxiety or malaise disappear. It will also shape how you view yourself and women.

 

If your goal is to have one night stands (which might not be the case, but it’s the only thing you’ve mentioned as “success” so maybe it is), it might be harder now because there are fewer people into one night stands as they get older- like you said, your friends are becoming paired off.

 

It might be worth considering.

 

ETA: Maybe you don't have a clear goal right now, or your goals are changing and that's why you're not "motivated," but you will be once you know. ?

Edited June 5, 2016 by BlueIris

[GemmaUK]

I see a guy some mornings on my way to work - he is about 5t 3in or 4in and he is gorgeous...my current secret crush.

I don't yet do eye contact - too shy - plus hen he sees me my long curly hair is soaking wet (I refuse to blow fry my curls) so I do not look great.

I'm 5t nothing - the only height which matters to me is that a guy is not over 6ft.

[The_Dork_Lard]

Tuna,

 

I don't for one minute actually think your height impedes you as much as you think it does, but for what it's worth have you considered wearing boots or shoes with a heel? Added to that, have you thought of looking on ebay for shoe lifts? You can get them in all sizes.

 

Both the shoes/boots with lifts can comfortably elevate you up to 3 inches. If you pay attention to your body language and your posture, you can 'walk tall' too, and generally appear significantly taller than 5ft 6in. It feels good if nothing else... and that in itself helps with confidence.

 

I'm 6ft and I sometimes do this to give me a 6ft 3in height, lol.

[Ami1uwant]

Ha! No, that sounds terrifying! And I hate the thought of exercising the courage and hope to try, only to stay alone in the end. Sometimes it feels like just giving in to being alone is easier, but I know it's really not in the long run.

 

Listen to this one. A few weeks ago I was at a coffee shop doing some reading. An attractive woman was waiting for her cup at the coffee bar, looked right at me and smiled. You know what I did? I looked away! *slaps forehead*

 

It is really awful just how in my head I can get these days! I am sure more women notice me than I give credit for. Like I said, I do think I'm a good catch, but I am my own worst enemy as well.

 

I'm assuming you were site nag so she couldn't tell how short you were.....

 

Now in your 30s is it becomes much more harder to meet people. In your 20s you had social networking and help of friends to meet people. Around 30 people start to marry off and women who aren't will want to start a family soon.

 

You are going to need to make a bigger effort than what you are used to.

[SammySammy]

My motivations are 1) to have fun and 2) self-improvement and personal development.

 

Having fun is self-explanatory.

 

There's always something for me to work on. Communication skills. Dancing skills. Lovemaking skills. Whatever.

 

The idea is to give the best of myself to the world ... a see what returns to me.

[preraph]

If you want to go out with women, you have to talk to them and once you know they're at least being friendly, ask them out. That's your motivation. If your desire to meet a woman isn't strong enough to motivate you to talk to one and ask her out, then I don't think you should even be worrying about it.

[TheBathWater]

Tuna,

 

I don't for one minute actually think your height impedes you as much as you think it does, but for what it's worth have you considered wearing boots or shoes with a heel? Added to that, have you thought of looking on ebay for shoe lifts? You can get them in all sizes.

 

Both the shoes/boots with lifts can comfortably elevate you up to 3 inches. If you pay attention to your body language and your posture, you can 'walk tall' too, and generally appear significantly taller than 5ft 6in. It feels good if nothing else... and that in itself helps with confidence.

 

I'm 6ft and I sometimes do this to give me a 6ft 3in height, lol.

 

I actually own a pair of good boots and sole inserts as well, but honestly I don't wear the inserts much because 1) they're uncomfortable for most of the shoes I wear, and 2) at some point they're going to come off anyway.

 

I do try to be mindful of posture, and I work out and do yoga regularly to help with that. I could always be better at it though.

[TheBathWater]

If your goal is to have one night stands (which might not be the case, but it’s the only thing you’ve mentioned as “success” so maybe it is), it might be harder now because there are fewer people into one night stands as they get older- like you said, your friends are becoming paired off.

 

It might be worth considering.

 

ETA: Maybe you don't have a clear goal right now, or your goals are changing and that's why you're not "motivated," but you will be once you know. ?

 

My goal is to make meaningful connections, and whatever direction that needs to take it will (whether that's a fling or the love of my life). I really do like passion though, and so when women delay sex or just passion in general (not out of genuineness because they don't 'feel it', but because they do feel it and they're trying to contrive a relationship), I lose interest pretty fast. The same goes though for women who rush passion. For me, it's really about meaningful and authentic connections.

 

There was someone I saw not long ago for a month. We went on a few dates. She was sweet, but I gave up on her because she wouldn't even kiss me with an open mouth!

[Versacehottie]

Ha! No, that sounds terrifying! And I hate the thought of exercising the courage and hope to try, only to stay alone in the end. Sometimes it feels like just giving in to being alone is easier, but I know it's really not in the long run.

 

Listen to this one. A few weeks ago I was at a coffee shop doing some reading. An attractive woman was waiting for her cup at the coffee bar, looked right at me and smiled. You know what I did? I looked away! *slaps forehead*

 

It is really awful just how in my head I can get these days! I am sure more women notice me than I give credit for. Like I said, I do think I'm a good catch, but I am my own worst enemy as well.

 

I think you have the right idea with the meetup groups and just every day normal activities like in a starbucks and of course, common interests. Even if that particular coffee shop woman showing interest didn't work out that time, keep trying in those types of places. I think there is less pressure there than at a bar and it's normal if you are alone. Also try to make male friends so that you can increase your network of social activities and places where you might meet more girls. Re: height, I have noticed that the people I know care less about that as they are getting older so it should work in your favor. Make some more friends because that will work in your favor and give you a more full life. Your attitude sounds pretty good on this post--just make sure it stays in that good zone or a bad attitude or defeatist one is something people pick up on and are turned off by. Good luck!

[TheBathWater]

I think you have the right idea with the meetup groups and just every day normal activities like in a starbucks and of course, common interests. Even if that particular coffee shop woman showing interest didn't work out that time, keep trying in those types of places. I think there is less pressure there than at a bar and it's normal if you are alone. Also try to make male friends so that you can increase your network of social activities and places where you might meet more girls. Re: height, I have noticed that the people I know care less about that as they are getting older so it should work in your favor. Make some more friends because that will work in your favor and give you a more full life. Your attitude sounds pretty good on this post--just make sure it stays in that good zone or a bad attitude or defeatist one is something people pick up on and are turned off by. Good luck!

 

Thanks for the response. Question regarding approaching in cafes though - as a woman, what does it feel like to have a man come up to you where other people are around watching the whole thing unfold? Does this bother some women? Does it lessen the chances of a favorable response because other people are watching?

 

If I were to do an approach, I'd probably make casual conversation and flirt a little if I sense some mutual interest, then ask for a number and let her get back to whatever she's doing while I go back to reading and maybe we can catch up later (or if it's going well we can just talk more right there some more - I gauge her response as to not be intrusive, in other words).

 

Once I'm in an interaction that's going well, I'm fine. It's just getting into it that I struggle with. The anxiety is close to crippling!

[joseb]

We all suffer to some degree with approach anxiety.

In your case, it sounds like you are too focused on getting her number. If I approach someone, I'm not assuming I'm going to ask for her number. For one, it puts added pressure. And also, it's almost useless if you just had a few seconds conversation and didn't click. I only ask if she seems interested and interesting and I would genuinely like to meet her again, other than the fact she looked nice.

[PogoStick]

Need Motivation to Approach Women:

 

A hot girl might jump on your dk! Is that not enough for you?

[jen1447]

Need Motivation to Approach Women:

 

A hot girl might jump on your dk! Is that not enough for you?

 

Haha. Yeah I was gonna say, the P itself is pretty much all the motivation you need isn't it?

[TheBathWater]

We all suffer to some degree with approach anxiety.

In your case, it sounds like you are too focused on getting her number. If I approach someone, I'm not assuming I'm going to ask for her number. For one, it puts added pressure. And also, it's almost useless if you just had a few seconds conversation and didn't click. I only ask if she seems interested and interesting and I would genuinely like to meet her again, other than the fact she looked nice.

 

Yes, this completely makes sense to me, and I have seen the 'approach without an agenda' work firsthand when I can get into that mindset. There were two GORGEOUS women I saw at the cafe tonight. I thought of you guys and of approaching the both of them, just to say that I liked their style or whatever flew out of my mouth first, but I didn't. I imagined people staring, them rejecting me, and looking like an ass. I wonder what felt worse - the anxiety itself, or the self-rejection I felt for walking away. I disappoint myself probably far more than I could ever cause discomfort to a woman just for saying "hey, you seem interesting and I wanted to say hi" or whatever.

 

Something about just walking up to a complete unknown stranger who I find attractive and opening my mouth terrifies the living s**t out of me in ways I never experienced when I was in my twenties. While I believe that having friends around me and having a reputation boosted my ego at that time, I think I need to learn how to deal with this head-on alone now. Support DEFINITELY helps a TON, but it won't always be there when a beauty shows up. I have a feeling the first 5 approaches or so I do are going to be awful for me... like, it will feel like I'm dying (yes, it's that bad), but I believe if I can get in regular habit of doing so then it will become quite fun. I'm not sure when I'm going to start living the life I want to, but I hope it's damn soon. I'm getting bored and the anxiety isn't going away either.

Edited June 6, 2016 by TunaInTheBrine

[TheBathWater]

Haha. Yeah I was gonna say, the P itself is pretty much all the motivation you need isn't it?

 

Ha! But I don't really believe in myself enough to think that the P would fall from the sky for me

 

I had a female acquaintance from LA - a real beauty - tell me a couple of years ago, "you're f**king HOT, but your problem is you don't own it." I was floored, but I believe her. I'm a good looking guy, but I don't wear it in the way that someone like Adam Levine would. I'm not timid, but I just don't believe in myself as much as others do, I think. She even wanted to do me, but somehow, I managed to escape it!