mariababy Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 In summary, my ex dumped me out of the blue in February via phonecall and ignored me since. I sent desperate text messages for him to meet and speak with me and he never responded until a week later giving the classic "It's me not you." I have been in NC since. But last month an acquaintance in the hopes of making me feel better, told me that he has a new a gf a month after our break-up. It was only a 6 month relationship but it was the first serious and longest relationship for both of us. It has been almost 4 months but I am still not over him. Anyway, we met through an online club and after the breakup, he has never been back (because he knew he will bump into me). I still continued to occassionally go to the club events but I did not go to the one last week as I had other committments. I found out that he actually went to that. (After 4 months!) There was no way of him knowing if I would be there or not. It was just a coincidence that he decided to go to the one which I didn't happen to be there. Why did he decide to finally come back? Does it mean that he is finally over it and brave enough to face me? Honestly, I think I will be a mess if I saw him and I am so grateful that I didn't end up going. What do I do if I'm in the situation again?
preraph Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 It means he doesn't intend to let your pain stop him from going to the places he wants to go anymore and that he hopes you have moved on, that's all. You humiliated yourself by trying to hold on. We've all done it at some point or other. But it's a lesson you have to learn. If you had just walked away with your head up in a dignified manner and blocked him and then dealt with your pain more privately, you wouldn't have to worry about if you saw him now. You'd just keep going more of the same and be dignified and ignore him and have fun with your friends instead of being mortified and wondering what he thinks and holding onto some feint hope he wants to see you. He knows how to pick up the phone if he wants to see you.
Author mariababy Posted June 5, 2016 Author Posted June 5, 2016 Thanks but I am not hoping he came for me or anything. I have deleted his number and blocked him on facebook. Gone are the days I hope he contacts me. I have accepted the relationship is over and he's over. I am however still very hurt by what he did to me. Because he never broke up with me properly and basically "ran away", he has hurt me so much and I dont think I am still strong enough to see him again yet.
fixing Posted June 5, 2016 Posted June 5, 2016 If you bump into him and happen to be in the awkward position to make blatant eye contact and even find yourself in a situation where he says hello or smiles, you simply put on a brave face and smile back, or 'hello' thats it. Don't do anything. Certainly don't show him that you are still feeling hurt. Put on the brave face and try to act as though he is anybody else to you now. A stranger. Best obviously if you don't see him at all though. At least not until you are fully over him. 1
Author mariababy Posted June 5, 2016 Author Posted June 5, 2016 Thank you! Exactly! I don't want to initiate any contact with him until I know I have fully healed and moved on even if it is years. I dont think I have 100% healed and I don't want to see him until I know I have put the hurt behind me. Which is why I dont know what to do if I bump into him. On his end, I know he moved on a long time ago and I assume that since he has finally came back to the club, he is eventually willing to face me if needed. (He mentioned he was avoiding me and did not want to see me because he was too guilty for dumping me)
Zapbasket Posted June 5, 2016 Posted June 5, 2016 Others may disagree, but I don't think there's anything wrong with staying away from places where he may be, until you are fully healed and moved on--a span of time that only you can determine is sufficient. My ex and I broke up nearly 2.5 years ago; we live a mile apart from one another in a rural area and we haven't seen each other save for passing one another on the highway. And frankly, even after all this time, I'd really rather not see him. When I see his truck outside the grocery store, I go to a different store or go at another time. I see no good coming from running into him; I know it will mess with my head; and I just would rather spare myself even the faintest discomfort where he is concerned. I still live my life and go out and no doubt given our proximity an encounter is inevitable. I know that I do not feel obligated to acknowledge him in that situation and I intend not to, without making too obvious that I'm overtly avoiding him. I intend either to slink away, or focus more intently on whatever I'm doing until I forget he's there. I don't think you can ever be fully indifferent when someone you cared about hurt you, or with someone you ever really cared about. It's more a matter of, do I want to talk to him, or not? And nothing wrong with either answer. He might have risked seeing you at the club again out of some vague hope he could absolve his guilt by either making nice to you, or seeing you from a distance, seeming fine and "moved on." You do NOT have to be the agent of his absolution. You can let him wonder, and find forgiveness from within if that's what he needs to do. Just keep focusing on you and what makes you feel the best. 2
Author mariababy Posted June 5, 2016 Author Posted June 5, 2016 I see no good coming from running into him; I know it will mess with my head; and I just would rather spare myself even the faintest discomfort where he is concerned. I couldn't agree more. Thank you so much for your advice. I am definitely working on regaining back my old-self. It is a slow progress but I am proud to say I've made so much progress since and still more to go
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