Disappeared.. After 2.5 years and unprecedented commitment.

[gaig]

Hi everyone. I was googling around when I met this forum and I liked it because it does have some real stories. That immediately surrounded me with some kind of unexpected warmth..

 

To the story, after numerous efforts and sacrifices from my side, I didn’t manage to save my relationship, not even give a second chance to it. My ex-girlfriend is a deeply depressed girl, starting from her early childhood and continuing into her early adult life (now). I tried a lot to get there, I mean a lot, took her a year to finally trust me most of these traumatic experiences.

 

 

She’s not the person that will externalize her deep secrets, she rather follows a passive reception of the hits that life –actually her close environment- throws to her. I reckon her culture (korean) is deteriorating the situation by pushing her to this direction as if it is the norm. My culture -rather Mediterranean- constricted me from getting there quickly, but I got to be gladly accepted even by her family.

 

 

We spent 2.5 years together and we started when she was 20 and me 30. Met in a country we both hated, evolved a fabulous bond between us, even spent a loving semester (from 1.5 year to 2) together under the same roof. So, then we decided to leave the place that was blackening our souls, but maintain unharmed our flame through a tough LDR between Melbourne (her studying) and Singapore (me on a startup).

 

 

Just in-between, there was a 4 month period of uncertainty that I was blocked (and almost depressed) in Europe before I go to her. She was wrecked and I was struggling against my remorse of leaving her trying alone in a new country with studies, job, boarding house.

 

 

My strong belief to her lead me to a life determinant decision.. I AM going to support her with all my strength, meet her on a monthly basis, try to relieve her from her haunted past and if needed even accompany her to a specialist until we make it together. I wouldn’t call her to fight it, I was committed that I was going to fight it with her.. That girl of that unmatched quality and diamond soul inside her deserves the finest nectar of this planet.

 

 

The complication..? During this 4 month dark period, I didn’t communicate all this properly.. Finally, I was too late for about a month while I was preparing a s***load of surprises for my first visit to her! I can say I didn't see that coming. She was too tired of my procrastination, she had to lose faith in order to protect herself, maybe she felt she can make it without me anymore..

 

 

Subsequently, I tried a lot, I mean…man, I DID try a lot to revive a last gleam of her confidence that I helped her build within these 2 years, but to no avail.. Visited melbourne twice in a month. She would rekindle (and admit it) her feelings for a day, then she would fall to pessimism, unimaginable stress and fear of the future within 24 hours.

 

 

Last swing of this sad story, while we agreed (over the phone) that the situation is not irreversible and that she should take a break in Singapore (of course not staying with me) in order to get some time to discuss peacefully (not that we had fights, just she was so busy in Melbourne she didn’t –deliberately I believe- give herself the mental space to contemplate and decide what to do), she completely disappeared including changing all her instant messaging and social media accounts.

 

 

Well, we all know what this last part reflects, she opted for the easy solution, but is this the best I can expect from that girl? Is she back-koreanized again in an extent that it cannot be reverted? Is her age dominating her rebellion against me and the complexity I come with?

 

 

I realize that my retarded delay had a crucial impact to her feelings and her belief in me. That makes me feel so disappointed and self blaming I didn’t even have the chance to materialize that dream with her.. Or just try.

 

 

Just to note here that there is a tendency towards abandonment syndrome deriving from her childhood experiences.

Edited June 4, 2016 by gaig

[ExpatInItaly]

If she's made the effort to disappear, she does not want to be contacted. That is her boundary.

 

It doesn't really matter why she is choosing to do this, and you'll drive yourself crazy trying to understand. I think I read your previous thread about her, and I just don't think she is anyway near ready for the commitment you are looking for. She doesn't want the same things you do, or she'd still be in your life.

 

I think for your own well-being, you need to start moving on. It appears she's already doing so herself.

[gaig]

If she's made the effort to disappear, she does not want to be contacted. That is her boundary.

 

It doesn't really matter why she is choosing to do this, and you'll drive yourself crazy trying to understand. I think I read your previous thread about her, and I just don't think she is anyway near ready for the commitment you are looking for. She doesn't want the same things you do, or she'd still be in your life.

 

I think for your own well-being, you need to start moving on. It appears she's already doing so herself.

 

I agree to that.. disappearing is absolutely the boundary and I will not try to intrude in her life again. I reckon it would freak her out since it is obvious she is making efforts to move on.

 

And she did acknowledge her situation and the issues, in a way. Every time I talked to her about that during my visit, she would be sobbing and quite vulnerable and she would lose her words for hours before she could speak again. The only thing she could say.."Why you didnt tell me all these things the last months..? Why you didnt tell me you love me so much..?"

 

And at that time, she was pushing herself to believe we had to try again, we had to make it.

I am just wondering..was it just the distance in the end? The LDR perspective that even if she tried to imagine us working it out, it would cover with pessimism every hope for a healthy future together?

[ExpatInItaly]

I agree to that.. disappearing is absolutely the boundary and I will not try to intrude in her life again. I reckon it would freak her out since it is obvious she is making efforts to move on.

 

And she did acknowledge her situation and the issues, in a way. Every time I talked to her about that during my visit, she would be sobbing and quite vulnerable and she would lose her words for hours before she could speak again. The only thing she could say.."Why you didnt tell me all these things the last months..? Why you didnt tell me you love me so much..?"

 

And at that time, she was pushing herself to believe we had to try again, we had to make it.

I am just wondering..was it just the distance in the end? The LDR perspective that even if she tried to imagine us working it out, it would cover with pessimism every hope for a healthy future together?

 

Only she can answer that question.

 

But from reading this and your other thread, I would say no, it's not only distance.

[gaig]

But from reading this and your other thread, I would say no, it's not only distance.

 

Thanks for the time to read all this!

I know I am dealing with a person who is at the stage of discovering life and herself, but what is your point?

[gaig]

One detail I didnt mention in my story..

I said visited melbourne twice. Last day of my first visit, she had thought and decided we will try again! (talking with her mother and close cousin that I both know and we like each other probably helped here)

We also agreed I will visit again within 3 weeks because she had some exams -not difficult- just she couldn't come to me.

 

That night I was dying because I was thinking to screw my ticket and extend my stay for 10 days until we get some quality physical time together after 4.5 months of being so far from each other. But we agreed to move with baby steps and I had to keep my promise (what a bad decision, one of the hardest in my life and definitely the one with the worst impact on me..)

 

For a week she was positive and excited and was calling and texting me far more frequently than baby steps. But that one week was as much as it lasted until she became pessimistic again and worried about her feelings for me..

 

That was a miserable call from my side, but makes me feel it was finally the distance.. And when she finally believed we can make it, I left again while I could have stayed..

 

This thought is just haunting me and even if I have realized she's gone, this stupid "what if" is there when I wake up every day..

 

And most probably non realizing this "what if", pushed her in the arms of someone else when she eventually disappeared