Author WhatsWhat Posted June 12, 2016 Author Posted June 12, 2016 (edited) Oops, posted too soon. He called today. He was in town because he had to pick something up and he called to see if I wanted to meet for coffee. I told him that I was just on my way out, which I was. He now lives about 50 minutes away and I guess he spent some of that time thinking about whether or not he would call. Anyway, he said that he understood that it was no notice and we'll do it another time. I said, 'well you know my work schedule so just give me some notice. Then he said 'Ok, have a good day today' So, I guess he really does want to meet. I think he is going through a rough time (as I posted earlier) and misses my support or something. What do I know? But I don't get it. I wouldn't go to him for support under the circumstances. And they say women are hard to figure out? @Pasturization--I'm also baffled as to why people at our age still act this way regarding relationships. I just don't get it. Say what you think and say what you feel. Just be honest and respectful. In all regards. It's all fairly simple really. People are going to get hurt, but games just make it worse. Note: my previous comment should have read "I DIDN'T text that to offer up chatty small talk" Edited June 12, 2016 by WhatsWhat Added info
herodgrant Posted June 12, 2016 Posted June 12, 2016 What do you really want from his guy? I mean, do you actually want to be friends? Seems kind of pointless to have coffee unless there's a point to it other than satisfying curiosity.
pasteurization Posted June 12, 2016 Posted June 12, 2016 Well, let us know how it goes if you have that coffee. You are very patient to still be in this. A week's delay in getting back to you is not very kind, no matter the situation. Is there maybe a little hope that there's more to this than just "checking in"?
BC1980 Posted June 12, 2016 Posted June 12, 2016 So we can pretty much guess his motivation for wanting to meet for coffee. He's short on friends at the moment. I wonder what will happen when he is back on good terms with his friend and family? I guess he won't need you anymore. I'm actually more interested in what your motivation for meeting him. How does this person add to your life in any way? You haven't described him very nicely. You said he trashed what you gave him and was a taker, yet you are very concerned with meeting him. You are analyzing it to pieces. What are you getting from all of this? Is this man really treated you so poorly, why are you still in contact with him? 1
BC1980 Posted June 12, 2016 Posted June 12, 2016 Well, let us know how it goes if you have that coffee. You are very patient to still be in this. A week's delay in getting back to you is not very kind, no matter the situation. Is there maybe a little hope that there's more to this than just "checking in"? I wouldn't use the word patient. I was thinking more like OP wants this man back and is okay with base treatment in the slim hope that might happen. It's hard to watch stuff like this.
Author WhatsWhat Posted June 13, 2016 Author Posted June 13, 2016 @BC1980: Perhaps you need to read through the post again. In response to your comments..... "I'm actually more interested in what your motivation for meeting him."--I don't have a motivation. He contacted me. My whole point of posting here was to see if anyone had any insight as to why he would want to meet. "How does this person add to your life in any way?"--I see no need to answer this question since I have not brought him back into my life. "You haven't described him very nicely. You said he trashed what you gave him and was a taker"--yes, I did, but we're talking about the break up here. Of course I'm not pleased with how he ended things. And the trashing and the taking was in respect to having someone just walk away from a relationship without communicating the issues or trying to work things out. "yet you are very concerned with meeting him"--Did I express that in any way? If I was so concerned with meeting him, them obviously I would have met with him when he called. My plans were just going out to pick a few things up. I could have easily given him the time for a coffee, if I wanted to. "You are analyzing it to pieces."--Not really, just human nature to be curious as to why someone I cared for for 4 years would want to see me after 6 months. I don't know your story or why your on this forum, but people come here for advice and to hopefully get a better understanding of their circumstances and emotions. It's all about a journey and learning. "What are you getting from all of this?"--I don't know. If I don;t meet with him, I'll get nothing. If I do meet with him, I may get nothing, I may get a sense of closure, I may just be an ear for him. I don't know. "Is this man really treated you so poorly, why are you still in contact with him?"--Already explained throughout the previous posts. As for you other comment, "I was thinking more like OP wants this man back and is okay with base treatment in the slim hope that might happen. It's hard to watch stuff like this."--So now you know what's going on in my head? Well, you couldn't be more wrong. I never said that I didn't care about this person. There is a history there and he does have difficulty dealing with emotions and commitment. I never said he was a complete dirtbag. I also never said anything that would indicate that I want him back. If you must know, he has not changed and in fact, is not dealing well with things at all. And I don't mean about me, I mean about the issues that were at the root of the problem in the first place. There is no way a relationship would even be possible with him. If this is so hard to watch, I guess my question would be, why did you comment at all? That's rhetorical, by the way. Certainly no answer needed.
frigginlost Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 I wouldn't use the word patient. I was thinking more like OP wants this man back and is okay with base treatment in the slim hope that might happen. It's hard to watch stuff like this. That is really uncalled for. As a 50 year old man, we are not talking about a 20 or 30 year old woman. She is in her 50's and as sure as heck seems to have her head screwed on straight. How about dropping the attitude that anybody who even breathes toward an ex is labeled as someone who is weak... 1
BC1980 Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 @BC1980: Perhaps you need to read through the post again. In response to your comments..... "I'm actually more interested in what your motivation for meeting him."--I don't have a motivation. He contacted me. My whole point of posting here was to see if anyone had any insight as to why he would want to meet. "How does this person add to your life in any way?"--I see no need to answer this question since I have not brought him back into my life. "You haven't described him very nicely. You said he trashed what you gave him and was a taker"--yes, I did, but we're talking about the break up here. Of course I'm not pleased with how he ended things. And the trashing and the taking was in respect to having someone just walk away from a relationship without communicating the issues or trying to work things out. "yet you are very concerned with meeting him"--Did I express that in any way? If I was so concerned with meeting him, them obviously I would have met with him when he called. My plans were just going out to pick a few things up. I could have easily given him the time for a coffee, if I wanted to. "You are analyzing it to pieces."--Not really, just human nature to be curious as to why someone I cared for for 4 years would want to see me after 6 months. I don't know your story or why your on this forum, but people come here for advice and to hopefully get a better understanding of their circumstances and emotions. It's all about a journey and learning. "What are you getting from all of this?"--I don't know. If I don;t meet with him, I'll get nothing. If I do meet with him, I may get nothing, I may get a sense of closure, I may just be an ear for him. I don't know. "Is this man really treated you so poorly, why are you still in contact with him?"--Already explained throughout the previous posts. As for you other comment, "I was thinking more like OP wants this man back and is okay with base treatment in the slim hope that might happen. It's hard to watch stuff like this."--So now you know what's going on in my head? Well, you couldn't be more wrong. I never said that I didn't care about this person. There is a history there and he does have difficulty dealing with emotions and commitment. I never said he was a complete dirtbag. I also never said anything that would indicate that I want him back. If you must know, he has not changed and in fact, is not dealing well with things at all. And I don't mean about me, I mean about the issues that were at the root of the problem in the first place. There is no way a relationship would even be possible with him. If this is so hard to watch, I guess my question would be, why did you comment at all? That's rhetorical, by the way. Certainly no answer needed. OP, I could have gotten my point across in a nicer way, and I apologize for that. I do stand by my assessment though. I think you need to cut him off and go NC. I don't think it's good for you to text him, talk to him, or meet up with him. If you are engaging with him in any way, he is in your life. However tangentially, he is a part of your life, so you have to ask yourself what you are gaining from these games he seems to be playing. As to why I have been posting on your thread, I feel for you in this situation. I was in a similar situation after my last breakup, and, when I see a poster that has these questions, it tugs at me a little. It seems like this guy kind of messes around with you for 4 years but didn't want to commit to you. I understand how it feels to get out of that type of relationship. Now, you may completely disagree with my assessment and still want to meet up with him. Do what you feel like you need to do. I don't think you will get any closure from it, and I don't think he has a lot of regard for you or your feelings. That is my opinion from what I have seen here. I kind of doubt he will even follow through with meeting for coffee, but you never know. Save
BC1980 Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 I went back and read your other thread about this guy. I stand by my advice more than ever now. Block him, and stop allowing him to come in and out of your life as he pleases. This has been going on for 4 years. You have got to get away from this guy, and cut all strings. It's not good for you.
BC1980 Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 That is really uncalled for. As a 50 year old man, we are not talking about a 20 or 30 year old woman. She is in her 50's and as sure as heck seems to have her head screwed on straight. How about dropping the attitude that anybody who even breathes toward an ex is labeled as someone who is weak... I could have said it in a nicer way, but my advice was dead on. She has no business talking to this guy after what has transpired over the last 4 years. None at all. She's not ready to let go of him completely even though he has walked away from her more than once. Even now, he can't even commit to meeting up for coffee, and she is still entertaining it. It's got nothing to do with age. 1
Author WhatsWhat Posted June 14, 2016 Author Posted June 14, 2016 (edited) That is really uncalled for. As a 50 year old man, we are not talking about a 20 or 30 year old woman. She is in her 50's and as sure as heck seems to have her head screwed on straight. How about dropping the attitude that anybody who even breathes toward an ex is labeled as someone who is weak... Thanks Frigginlost--it's good to hear from someone who gets it @BC1985--well you tried. But for some reason (and I believe it must have something to do with your relationship history and whatever story is) you crept back to a fairly negative and judgemental attitude. I have 'no business talking to this guy after what has transpired over the last 4 years'.? Did I post somewhere that the 4 years were completely full of crap or something? "She's not ready to let go of him completely even though he has walked away from her more than once. Even now, he can't even commit to meeting up for coffee, and she is still entertaining it." -Some people (although I don't tend to think this is easy or often even possible), maintain relationships with their exes in some form. So, just because I don't believe that a relationship with him would work, does not mean that I don't feel for him in regard to his life struggles. Letting go of someone in regard to a relationship does not mean that you have to throw them in a ditch and throw crap on them. My attitude does not come from pining. -I also don't remember indicating how our previous break ups took place, so to assume that it was him who just walked away previously was incorrect on your part -So he couldn't commit to a coffee? I guess if I had said yes when he called Saturday, he would have laughed and said 'Just kidding'? Who are you mad at? Him? Me? Your ex? Yourself? I think you are judging this all based on your experience(s). You really should take heed to what Frigginlost said--"How about dropping the attitude that anybody who even breathes toward an ex is labeled as someone who is weak" I also don;t want to beat this dead horse and continue to defend my feelings or actions to you. As I said previously, this site is for people to help others with their thoughts, feelings, emotions and outlook and to give insight. Edited June 14, 2016 by WhatsWhat addition 1
katiegrl Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 I was the dumper in a somewhat similar situation. I think it is likely that he's had second thoughts about letting you go, and wants to test the waters to see if there's a chance of rekindling things with you. I let someone go during a time of stress as well, and regretted the decision greatly. It took a while after the stress and pressure were gone to see the relationship in a clear light, and to realize how compatible we really were. If you accepted his coffee date, he probably has fairly high hopes. I'd try to make it clear before you meet that you have moved on and aren't really interested in anything beyond the coffee. It might avoid some awkwardness. First paragraph..... I agree with that. To the OP..... he misses you! Hello. What do you want? Franky he sounds like a huge commitment phobe..... and his behavior now is very typical (pushing you away, missing you, then wanting you back) ....but you are old enough to make your own decisions. So good luck with whatever you decide....
BC1980 Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Thanks Frigginlost--it's good to hear from someone who gets it @BC1985--well you tried. But for some reason (and I believe it must have something to do with your relationship history and whatever story is) you crept back to a fairly negative and judgemental attitude. I have 'no business talking to this guy after what has transpired over the last 4 years'.? Did I post somewhere that the 4 years were completely full of crap or something? "She's not ready to let go of him completely even though he has walked away from her more than once. Even now, he can't even commit to meeting up for coffee, and she is still entertaining it." -Some people (although I don't tend to think this is easy or often even possible), maintain relationships with their exes in some form. So, just because I don't believe that a relationship with him would work, does not mean that I don't feel for him in regard to his life struggles. Letting go of someone in regard to a relationship does not mean that you have to throw them in a ditch and throw crap on them. My attitude does not come from pining. -I also don't remember indicating how our previous break ups took place, so to assume that it was him who just walked away previously was incorrect on your part -So he couldn't commit to a coffee? I guess if I had said yes when he called Saturday, he would have laughed and said 'Just kidding'? Who are you mad at? Him? Me? Your ex? Yourself? I think you are judging this all based on your experience(s). You really should take heed to what Frigginlost said--"How about dropping the attitude that anybody who even breathes toward an ex is labeled as someone who is weak" I also don;t want to beat this dead horse and continue to defend my feelings or actions to you. As I said previously, this site is for people to help others with their thoughts, feelings, emotions and outlook and to give insight. You're right. Some people do maintain relationships with exes. I am very friendly with one of my exes, and I look back fondly on our relationship. I only wish him the very best and think he is a great person. He is married, so it would be inappropriate to see him. I don't see him in a romantic way and would have no desire to get back together with him. Based on what you have posted here and in your previous thread, I just don't feel that your best decision would be to maintain any contact with your recent ex. We obviously disagree. Regardless of my past, the advice I am giving is based on what you have posted on this thread and your previous thread. I can see the advice is upsetting you, so I won't post on your thread anymore. I do wish you luck moving forward with this. Save
pasteurization Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 I'll just throw in my thoughts here.. My two very best friends are exes, and are like sisters to me. One was my high school / college girlfriend, and we've been in close touch through our respective marriages and divorces and a lot else. The other was someone whom I dated for years, and we had a very bad breakup, but we came back together as friends (after some time) and have been close ever since. The advice on this site is often the "go no-contact, and never contact them again" variety. I think it is well intentioned, and often helps people who are struggling with horrible situations, but the nuance of actual human dynamics is often lost. I now think you should meet your ex for coffee. If you are aware of your own tendencies, and the history of the relationship, and know that you can resist being lured back into something unhealthy, then meet and see what he wants. It could be interesting at the very least, and I get the feeling (from what you've written recently) that you will always regret it if you just cut everything off with him. Be honest with him, and be self-aware, and you should be fine.
Author WhatsWhat Posted June 15, 2016 Author Posted June 15, 2016 @Katiegrl--I guess that's a possibility The funny thing is that he would never be able to even say that. That's just the way it is, but if he does try to arrange to meet for a coffee again, I will most likely go and see how he is doing. @pasteurization--Yes, human dynamics are what they are. There are no hard and fast rules. You learn from your life experiences (at least we hope we do, but some, sadly, don't) and therefore protect yourself from getting into what you know is not good for you. I would feel bad I think, if I didn't meet with him at least this one time. As for being friends? My thought is that that most likely will not be the case. He was what he was for me and a casual friend is not what he was. So, in my mind, that person that I shared my life with no longer exists. That being said, if he ever truly needed my help with something important, I would not turn my back on him. But, I wouldn't do that to anybody; it's just my nature. Thanks for your support, input and understanding
Author WhatsWhat Posted June 18, 2016 Author Posted June 18, 2016 So, after some thought, I decided to just e-transfer my ex his share of the money from the item that we needed to sell. I’m just exhausted with expelling energy on anything that has been left hanging. He replied saying that he didn’t like the financial condition that I was left in and wanted me to have the money for all that I helped him with when times were very tough. The thing is that I didn’t give him any money, but a lot of emotional support. I told him that I didn’t do any of that with the thought of any future repayment. He said he was not going to accept the transfer. I replied ‘Please just accept it’ He then replied ‘You just want me to remain the bad guy’. Oh dear, clearly it’s his issue and not mine. The more I think back about it now, I realize that it’s really him that is having trouble letting go and moving on. –Not picking his things up -Taking everything but mysteriously not being able to fit his golf clubs in the car -Not working with me to take care of the selling of our mutually owned item I honestly don’t thing he was even aware of what he was (or rather wasn’t doing) Finally, I told him that putting a monetary value on what I did for him was offensive, hurtful and insulting. I fully believe that, even though he wasn’t doing it consciously, he was not moving on. In his mind, there was always some little part of me in his life. I asked him why he wanted to meet for coffee and what was the point. He said he wanted to catch up and see what I was up to. I said, “We don’t need to meet for that, you could have just called. Is there something you would like to talk about? Did something bad happen that you just want me to lend an ear on or give you some advice?” He said that he just thought it would be nice to be friends and on friendly terms, but maybe I didn’t think that was appropriate Blah, blah,,,,, Really, no matter how you look at it, I now know that contacting an ex, means that you are trying to get them back into your life, whatever form that might be—he never really let go as much as he thought he did. So I told him that. I flat out said, ‘You need to realize that our relationship is over, done, that’s it. All ties are put to bed now. Any friendship, sharing coffee etc. is completely separate from that. You need to realize that once and for all. Then if, for whatever reason, you think you would still want to meet, understand that it would have nothing to do with our past relationship” It’s funny, but I now realize, that although he left, carried on with the life he wanted, HE was actually the one that didn’t completely let go in his mind. So, that’s it for now. I feel good about things and can only hope that I got my point through to him. If not, there’s nothing I can do about it, but it’s not my issue. He’s got a lot of emotionally healing to do (and I don’t mean from our relationship). I hope he comes through and becomes aware of what he needs to deal with. 2
pasteurization Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 I would completely agree. If an ex gets in touch with you after a 6 month break they either want to feel out the possibility of restarting a relationship, or are trying to keep you in their life as a security blanket. Friendship, if it happens, is on a different time scale, and doesn't sow discord. He sounds very confused and isn't able to express very clearly what he really wants from you. I'm glad you saw that and can walk away relieved.
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