Coping after I messed up a great relationship

[NIGHT1985]

First of all, I know I'll meet someone else, I know I'll be happy again, but I do think you meet certain people through life that are irreplaceable and you won't meet someone quite like them again.

 

She was 25 and I'm 30. We met online and hit it off immediately. I'm not gonna lie and say it was all perfect in the beginning, we both came from rocky relationships and were learning to trust again. I never met someone so caring to meet and sincerely supported me. She always would text me good morning, or have a great day at work, left me voice mails where she would sing to me about how much she loved and appreciated me, and made me feel like an absolute King on my birthdays.

 

Things went sour when my best friend died(about a year into dating). She tried being supportive to me but she was close to him as well. We both kind of pushed each other away. After the funeral I wanted us to kind of meet with some of my other friends just to cope and support each other for our friends loss. She didn't want to be there as she wanted to be alone. I really should of supported her in that decision and let her grieve in her own way, instead I snapped at her and led us to a fight a week later that caused us to part ways.

 

 

I reached out to her numerous times, and even lashed out out of pain because she wouldn't take me back. Eventually she started missing me and decided we can take things slow as friends. Things went wonderful for another six months. We had the most amazing Christmas together and spent all our time together. Then I started making mistakes. I started wanting more time to spend with my friends and not giving her as much attention as she deserved. She then started emotionally detaching herself from me to an Ex, she promised they were just friends. One evening I stayed up too late with some friends and woke up late a morning I was supposed to spend time with her. It was the breaking point for her and she wanted to move on.

 

We were separated for another couple months and eventually worked on being friends again, and while I always wanted us to build back into dating, the trust and flame was gone for her. She started going on dates with other people and it crushed me.

 

I've learned a lot from dating her, I realize how immature I've been in the past and what I want going forward. I know I won't get another chance with her, but I'm afraid I won't meet someone just like her. Before her I just had mediocre relationships with people that didn't give me the same support and love.

 

I'm not exactly sure why I'm posting this, maybe I need ideas on how to move forward and forgive myself. I've cut all contact with her, as I was toxic and begged her few times to take me back, in which she asked me to move on and leave her alone(definitely hard to hear, but I needed to hear it). I still have urges to call her or listen to old voice mails she left for me, but I know it'll only end in pain.

[Alamo657]

It takes some experience to cut contact fast after a breakup to avoid the humiliation of begging someone for a love they dont feel anymore.

 

Delete every memento of her on social media/phone, and move on.

[Sweetgirl28]

First of all, I know I'll meet someone else, I know I'll be happy again, but I do think you meet certain people through life that are irreplaceable and you won't meet someone quite like them again.

 

She was 25 and I'm 30. We met online and hit it off immediately. I'm not gonna lie and say it was all perfect in the beginning, we both came from rocky relationships and were learning to trust again. I never met someone so caring to meet and sincerely supported me. She always would text me good morning, or have a great day at work, left me voice mails where she would sing to me about how much she loved and appreciated me, and made me feel like an absolute King on my birthdays.

 

Things went sour when my best friend died(about a year into dating). She tried being supportive to me but she was close to him as well. We both kind of pushed each other away. After the funeral I wanted us to kind of meet with some of my other friends just to cope and support each other for our friends loss. She didn't want to be there as she wanted to be alone. I really should of supported her in that decision and let her grieve in her own way, instead I snapped at her and led us to a fight a week later that caused us to part ways.

 

 

I reached out to her numerous times, and even lashed out out of pain because she wouldn't take me back. Eventually she started missing me and decided we can take things slow as friends. Things went wonderful for another six months. We had the most amazing Christmas together and spent all our time together. Then I started making mistakes. I started wanting more time to spend with my friends and not giving her as much attention as she deserved. She then started emotionally detaching herself from me to an Ex, she promised they were just friends. One evening I stayed up too late with some friends and woke up late a morning I was supposed to spend time with her. It was the breaking point for her and she wanted to move on.

 

We were separated for another couple months and eventually worked on being friends again, and while I always wanted us to build back into dating, the trust and flame was gone for her. She started going on dates with other people and it crushed me.

 

I've learned a lot from dating her, I realize how immature I've been in the past and what I want going forward. I know I won't get another chance with her, but I'm afraid I won't meet someone just like her. Before her I just had mediocre relationships with people that didn't give me the same support and love.

 

I'm not exactly sure why I'm posting this, maybe I need ideas on how to move forward and forgive myself. I've cut all contact with her, as I was toxic and begged her few times to take me back, in which she asked me to move on and leave her alone(definitely hard to hear, but I needed to hear it). I still have urges to call her or listen to old voice mails she left for me, but I know it'll only end in pain.

 

There are many things I sense from this post. First of all, you seem to have behaved in an emotionally unavailable way to her. I have been in a relationship with someone like that before too. I was even engaged to that person but the wedding never happened. Guess who broke it off?

 

I understand her patience with you, showing you that she cares and trying to get you to commit in a mature way. Unfortunately, you didn't realize that at the time. What is happening now? She is gone, and you are lost!

 

The fact that you guys went hot and cold for months at a time tells me that she may not have been very mature either. No self-respecting woman would ever allow that to happen. My ex tried to reconnect with me after the break up too. Most recently was a little over 2 months ago. Needless to say, his emails went unanswered. I don't do "let's try to take things slow as friends".

 

The only conclusion here is to cut each other off. This may sound impossible right now. Trust me, I have been there! But if you don't, it will ultimately keep you from meeting someone new because you won't have eyes for other women who may be even better than your ex.

[NIGHT1985]

Indeed. I've learned a lot from being with her, I wish I know now what I didn't know then. But I can still use my knowledge going forward. It's a shame though, I know I'll never meet anyone quite like her again. Such a rare soul

[Sweetgirl28]

Indeed. I've learned a lot from being with her, I wish I know now what I didn't know then. But I can still use my knowledge going forward. It's a shame though, I know I'll never meet anyone quite like her again. Such a rare soul

 

I highly doubt that. After my ex broke up with me, I thought I would never find anyone quite like him again. It's been a year now, and I have dated a couple of men. I'm still single now but that has nothing to do with me missing him. I just haven't found anyone worth my time yet. I am attractive and I have a good career but I just needed some time for myself. We'll see what the future brings.

 

The only thing I know is that I won't make the same mistake twice

 

You will eventually realize that she wasn't all that either. I guess the break up is still too fresh for you to start dating again now.

[Giggles666]

Don't beat yourself up over it. We all screw up sometimes, such is life. The important thing is to learn from it, grow and try to improve for the next relationship.

 

Life is about growth. Sorry to hear about your breakup, best of luck to you. Unfortunately, things take some time to heal.

[offwithhishead]

I feel for you. I've gone through a very similar experience. I made a mistake and now I regret it very much. It's so bad to the point that I don't even remember why I broke it off with her in the first place. If interested, have a read: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/583867-regret-worst-feeling-all-i-messed-up-relationship

 

Anyways. I find just taking it day to day or even hour to hour helps. I have this overwhelming urge to contact her at certain times of the day. It passes though and I'm glad that I didn't. This isn't some sort of NC rule I'm following. I simply know deep down in my heart that it's over and that she won't take me back and that our relationship is broken (even though the both of us still have feelings for each other to some degree). No, I'm doing NC because it hurts my healing process. All it takes is one more rejection from her or some news about how great she's doing with her new boyfriend and it will set me back in terms of recovery.

 

She's out of my life and that's just the way it is. It's sad.

[NIGHT1985]

I don't get why I'm not over her yet. We've been broken up since last July, but we stayed friends until April. I know that delayed things, but she's totally moved on, why does it feel like a fresh break up?

 

Her birthday is on the 29th, I always made her birthdays special for her, I wonder if she'll even think of me on it. Oh well.

[keiji]

I don't get why I'm not over her yet. We've been broken up since last July, but we stayed friends until April. I know that delayed things, but she's totally moved on, why does it feel like a fresh break up?

 

Her birthday is on the 29th, I always made her birthdays special for her, I wonder if she'll even think of me on it. Oh well.

 

My case was quite similar. I broke up with her last July (on her birthday, no less). We got back together in late August and kept going for a couple of months in what's probably the coldest, saddest relapse ever, and she broke up in October. My mistake was seeing her again in January in one of those "let's take another shot" that usually just lead to more pain. So yes, it feels like we basically broke up in late January. Keeping in contact definitely delays the whole process. Disappearing completely is painful, but in most cases is the way to go. In a way, you started mourning last month, so don't be hard on yourself and take as much time as necessary.

 

As to her birthday, I'm sure she'll think of you. Of course she will. My ex-g's is on July 11th. I suspect she'll also think of me, but unfortunately for completely different reasons

[NIGHT1985]

Yea it just sucks.. One minute I feel like I'm doing fine, next I'm wondering what she's doing, and who with, and if she's really happy..

[keiji]

Yea it just sucks.. One minute I feel like I'm doing fine, next I'm wondering what she's doing, and who with, and if she's really happy..

 

I guess that, just like me, you started mourning right at the moment where you lost hope and cut contact with her. It's when you accept the truth, however late that is, that you start feeling the intense pain of a breakup. So yes, we broke up a long time ago, but the start of the healing process, which is exactly what you're going through right now, is very, very recent.

 

Give yourself time. Three months ago I was exactly in the same boat as you, those same thoughts, the knot in your stomach... the full "heartbroken pack". Now hours and hours go by without thinking of her. I'm not over the breakup, for sure, and the idea of bumping into her in town is sickening, but I've improved enormously, and NC has a lot do do with it, as do the insights of the good people on LS.

 

Cheer up!!

Edited June 10, 2016 by keiji

[gaig]

Indeed. I've learned a lot from being with her, I wish I know now what I didn't know then. But I can still use my knowledge going forward. It's a shame though, I know I'll never meet anyone quite like her again. Such a rare soul

 

Wow this last sentence could have jumped of my lips..

 

I am feeling exactly the same thing for my ex.. We had a bit bigger age difference and completely different background, culture and stage in life.

 

But in the same time we had the same judgment for people around us, what we like, simple habits, favorite places, way we like things to get done. It was like a perfect match between two souls coming from alien universes. However, during a dark -short- period of my life, I screwed up in communicating my commitment to this relationship until she broke..

 

So when you say a rare soul, I totally get you man.. I am convinced that I will move on sometime (although it might take me long to) and find myself in another quality relationship, but never ever meet someone like her again.

 

Only thing we can do is make sure we don't fall into the same pit in the future and make two people feeling miserable again..

[NIGHT1985]

Found out today that my best friend and her fiancea both kinda supported my ex not to work things out with me while we were taking it slow again as friends. Is it wrong that I feel betrayed in a way? I feel like we could of all discussed things together instead of behind my back.

[NIGHT1985]

So I've been feeling pretty good the past month or so, I've been working on a friendship with my ex, and I asked out a random girl at the watermark. Everything has been fine until I realized my ex is seeing someone new. While talking as friends and everything she never brought it up, until I straight up asked. I still tried to play it off cool like and not let it get to me, but it has. Her birthday was on Wednesday, and knowing that he got to spend it with her and spoil her with gifts kinda shattered me. I got nosy and looked up who she was dating, and he's definitely on a lower attraction scale to me, but that some how makes me feel worse. I asked her why she still wants to be friends, her answer was because she wants to see me change and become a stronger person, but at the same time it would hurt her to see me do that for another girl, as part of her still loves me and wants our dreams.

 

I talked to her today, I tried to keep it civil. I tried explaining that being friends with her while she was dating would be bad for her relationship, she disagreed and said as long as I didn't make any movies, there would be no problem, but I told her I have too many feelings involved.

 

Long story short, even if you're ex is the most amazing person and you want to remain friends, you need enough time to kill off all those feelings before trying to start a friendship. Doing it too early will make you feel like you've lost her all over

[Satu]

The 'friends' thing is completely delusional and dishonest.

 

You are not her friend.

 

You are her rejected, jealous, and unhappy ex-boyfriend; still clinging on, still hoping.

 

Call up some self-respect and let her go.

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

[standtall]

Dude, get over all friend mumbo jumbo. She is an ex that you are still attracted too. You cannot, nor will you ever be just her friend.

 

Additionally, If you are married, or are in a long term monogamous relationship, you also cannot be just friends with any women of reproductive age that are not related to you...one of you will always want more, flirt, or worse.....end of story.

[gaig]

So I've been feeling pretty good the past month or so, I've been working on a friendship with my ex

 

Think that.. if you manage to maintain a kind of friendly relationship with her, I am afraid this is going to degrade your feelings. And you know what this means..? You'll just undermine the opportunity to build again a qualitative relationship with her in the near-far future. Because I am sure this is what you are hoping deep inside you, I know because I feel this too.

 

If you love her, let her go. Did you show to her until the very last moment that you are ready to give everything for her and nobody will love her the way you do? Yes? Are you sure? Yes? Then, if she forgets you, you might had amazing time together, but she was never the perfect match for you dude..

 

Take your time with this other girl, you dont need to hurt someone else.

Last night I went out with a nice girl that likes me a lot, we had some drinks, came back home and -suddenly- I started analyzing within seconds in my mind and concluded that I will never hear again from my ex, she's not learnt to be brave.

So, I put her in a taxi and sent her home. I am sure I didn't make her feel special..

[Sunkissedpatio]

In Night1985's defence I think the "friendship" is a means to an end. so he is rebuilding the friendship to hopefully win here back.

 

But here's the kicker Night, you are trying to meet new girls and your ex is seeing someone else. If you are trying to be friends with your ex for your ulterior motives then you have no business trying to date other girls, it's bad enough you want to screw yourself up again by clinging on to the hope of winning your ex back but then also potentially ruining the hopes of a new love interest when you dump the "new girl" out of the blue because your ex sends a crumb your way. It's not fair. We don't want to read about your new girl who was dumped by a rebound relationship guy.

 

Your confusion is understandable, a part of you wants to move on a bigger part wants ex back.

 

I get your want your ex back but you need to decide. Either you stay single waiting for crumbs, and that is entirely your prerogative, or let go of trying to be friends and try to meet someone new who can potentially be even better for your. But don't do both, you don't need more casualties in the picture.

Edited July 2, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio