Jrugby7 Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 My wife and i are going to have our first anniversary this weekend. We had a big trip planned and we were both excited about it. Until i found out she was cheating. I got a call a month ago from somone i used to work with and he informed me that he would see her car parked at an apartment quite often. I confronted her and she admitted to it. She swore to me she had not cheated on me, but was seeking advice from a friend. I was very hurt, but i could understand. Over the next 3 weeks I was suspicious, i check her cell phone every now and then to see who was calling. To my disbelief it was this guys cell phone number. I confronted her again, and told her how much strain the was putting on our marriage. She said she would never talk to him again. The next week i check her phone and see six calls. Again i ask if anything is going on, and she promises me nothing is gong on, and that he calls her and she feels bad for him because he just got divorced. The other morning, her phone was sitting out and i was going to charge it for her. I noticed a new message, from him. I listened, and it destroyed my life. He said she should leave me, he loves her, they need to spend more quality time together. I immeiatley confronted her, and she said it was true. I asked if she loved him and she said no. I asked if they had sex, she said no. I asked what they had done, and she wouldn't say, but i have reason to believe they at least had oral sex. I exploded and told her to get out, and i was filing for divorce. The problem is that i love her too much, she is my life. WE have talked several times since then and we are seeing someone today to help us. She told me she was sorry and asked if i would ever be able to love her the way i used too. At this point i am torn in half. Part of me want to forgive her and fight for the women i love, the other part is enraged. All i can think about it the two of them together. It makes me physically ill to think about. I have applied for jobs in other cities to escape the pain, but it would mean leaving everything behind.
harleyJohn61 Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 Well it sounds like your wife took one more step than mine did. I stopped it....at least for now....I have her on a tight leash, but I can't live like this for long...you can only keep an eye on them for so long. I think mine has some mental problems really and I am getting her some help. I feel the same about my wife as you do yours....I would have to leave her but a part would really miss her too. I had a detective tell me that in his experiences with cheating, and he said he had done this for 20 years....that when a man stays with a woman that cheats and he loves her and they try to work it out....about 99% of the time, the guy thinks he is getting steak and he looks back about 10 years later and he finds out all he got was cheap hamburger...so I don't know really what to tell you....you have to make up your own mind now....but if mine cheats....I will more than likely leave and never look back
jmargel Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 Alot of other men on here can give you better advice than me, since he hasn't happened to me. Nothing wrong with going to counseling with her, it'll help you alot. Just remember it's going to take a LONG time, months for things to get back to normal. She needs to STOP all contact, and right now action speak louder than words. She has lied to you continiously. I think you'll probably find out they did have sex. In any case, she has cheated on you whether she did or not. You'll be on an emotional roller coaster with her, days where you'll love her, days where you'll depise her, days where you feel like a fool for putting up with this. We can't answer whether or not to stay with her, the counselor won't either. They'll approach this at a better angle so that you get the full truth. She has to earn that trust back, that love back. You two had problems before this? Fighting, communication problems, etc? Read my link in my signature, it may help you. How long has this been going on for? Get as much details as you feel comfortable with, and remember there is just no 'one' talk about it. She should talk about it anytime you feel up for it. Jrugby, you can't keep your wife on a leash. If she's gonna cheat, she's going to.. I'm in a very violatile situation myself. I've already told her to leave because what she's done. She tells me, her mom and others that she's not cheating. However I believe she has gone too far in her lying to me. You have every right to be on edge and suspecious, because I feel the same way however it takes two to make a marriage work and if she doesn't or is going to continue to disrespect you then all you are doing is prolonging the agony. If they want to be "set free" then let them. Open that cage door, show them that they can go but they won't be welcomed back. Let them truly see if the other side is better out there. I'm willing to walk away from my wife and so should you. If they want you, they'll be coming to you. In the mean time continue to do things for yourself and do some real soul searching on how you can make your marriage better as well. There's three sides to every story: His, Hers and the truth.
Debster Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 If there is issues of infidelity or mistreatment of your partner in the first year of marriage (the honeymoon stage) than IMO it's best to cut your losses. If you're not happy in your relationship before you really have to deal with the tough things, than the relationship will fail in due time anyways. Just my two cents.
Sal Paradise Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 Originally posted by Debster If there is issues of infidelity or mistreatment of your partner in the first year of marriage (the honeymoon stage) than IMO it's best to cut your losses. If you're not happy in your relationship before you really have to deal with the tough things, than the relationship will fail in due time anyways. Just my two cents. Agree 100%, its the first year and she already has the wandering eye? Sounds like a worthless slut to me. Leave her and find a real woman worthy of your love, this one will cheat again. She will probably cheat with the same guy within 3 months.
whichwayisup Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 If you love her and really want this to work, go to marriage counselling together. MAKE sure there is NO CONTACT between them. Sit down together, make her write him an email explaining that he is not to contact her in any way, shape or form. IT IS OVER. To respect her wishes and never to contact her again. Watch her send it to him. Then she has to be a total open book to you. Everything. Past, present and any future mistakes and slip ups. I'm sorry you're going through this, it really is horrible.
wanting to heal Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 Simple, LEAVE. She is a liar and is hiding things from you. Move on.
Bryanp Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 Oh my God, She is screwing around on you and cheating on you before your have even completed the first year of marriage. How totally destructive to you and your marriage. My friend, she has a total broken moral compass and apparently has no problem lying to you, betraying you and putting your health at risk. Why in the world would you wish to remain with someone who could do this to you and you have not even been married a year. She is absolutely toxic to you. Get out now before you have any children with her (or she has children from someone else). You have married the wrong person. Find someone in the future who can truly love and respect you and your marriage. Your wife cannot do this. The bottom line is that she has played you for a total fool. My guess is that she probably was cheating on you when you were dating her also. You deserve better. She will destroy your life if you stay with her.
Jrugby Posted June 26, 2005 Posted June 26, 2005 Ok, now we have been to counsoler and more came out. She confessed, they did have sex. She swears it was only once, and she has felt terrible ever since. yada yada yada. It hasn't happened since i got the phone call, so she says. I'm 99% sure its over. Just to clarify, we have been together for 8 years, married for 1, so the honeymoon was over a long time ago. There are times when I'm torn, i love her and i want things to work, but all i can see is disgusting images of the two of them. Some things came out during therapy that explain alot. She will never be satisfied, as soon as she makes a decision, she wishes she picked something else. I have told her that she has to stop all communication and if i ever see his number on the phone bill, or an email, he talks to her at a bar, its over. I'm totally torn here.
Cecelius Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 You're in for a bumpy ride. You have identified that part of why she cheated is based on her personality -- how are you going to get that fixed? Further, if she's fickle about her decisions, and has little strength of conviction, she may stop calling him, but she will likely be too concerned about his feelings to turn him away if he contacts her. Before you consent to moving forward, perhaps you should consider separating for a while she she understands how serious this really is.
Author Jrugby7 Posted June 27, 2005 Author Posted June 27, 2005 OK, so yesterday was our anniversary. We spent the day at the pool with her family, things were a little awkward. She came over for dinner, and we talked for a while. At times i felt the way i used too, totally in love. We talked about therapy, and i told her she has to continue to go and she could never contact him again. She understands and has agreed. She has been staying with her sister for the last week and asked to move back in. I caved in and said ok, the main reason being money. I think now that was a mistake. Through our talks, i can tell she is sorry for what she did and for what she has done to us. I assured her that it is going to take a long time for me to get over this, and it may never happen. we could do therapy and work on it for a while, but i may still leave. Throughout the night, just when i would feel comfortable, i would have the horrific image of the two of them together and would feel sick. The was a voice inside me that said i should leave, and i'm being weak. Part of me is afraid that the only reason i want to stay with her is so he can't have her, and i know thats not good. When i left for work this moring, no hug, no kiss, no i love you. I was walking out in a daze, I don't think i can forgive what she did. I think i will continue with therapy for now and keep the option of leaving.
jmargel Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Like I said you are going to have days like this. More days like this than good ones for quite awhile. Look up the 5 stages of grief because even though she's not dead, emotionally she is to you. She has betrayed you, dishonored her vows to you and alot of what you two do now together may feel tainted. There are days where you are going to HATE what she has done to you, yet you must keep that from you HATING her. Through counseling you'll find out what really caused this to happen, that'll help you alot in dealing with this. This will also insure that this won't happen again. Right now you don't have any faith in her words because of what she's done. Also focus on what you two have been doing wrong before this as well. Try not to overwork your mind with details or bad images. When they start to seep in, stop yourself and force yourself to think other things. It's the devil right now, he's trying to finish what was started. Others who have had infelidity in their marriage can probably relate to what you are going through. Just hang in there and talk to her as much as you want about it. She should be doing everything possible to assure you that she wants to be with you.
Author Jrugby7 Posted July 11, 2005 Author Posted July 11, 2005 Been a few weeks now. We have been going to MC and she is going to IC, i think its helping, but right now i don't feel like its enough. She has kept her word and not contacted him, he did call her, but she did not answer or call back. We have been getting along very well, we got a puppy, and i feel that its given us something to share in. I also think the puppy keeps me from dwelling on what happened. I have good days and bad days. I find my self wondering why i would let her do this and not leave her. I want to try and work things out, exhaust all options, but even now with things going good i get physicall ill thinking about it. When do i know i've tried as hard as i can? When do i know it just wont work? I have a bad feeling that the reason i want to stay with her is because she has crushed my self asteem.
westernxer Posted July 11, 2005 Posted July 11, 2005 Originally posted by Jrugby7 I have a bad feeling that the reason i want to stay with her is because she has crushed my self asteem. That's normal. I still think you need some time apart, at least so you can heal.
Sal Paradise Posted July 11, 2005 Posted July 11, 2005 I think the self esteem thing is probably true. I feel really bad for you. I'm going to be totally honest with you.... She is still lying to you, she had sex more than once with him. There is no way he would stick around for that long if she wasn't screwing him on a weekly basis. She probably had sex with him on almost every occasion that she went to visit. You will slowly find out the truth, she'll tell you a little more every 1-3 months and each time it will take you backwards and kill most of the progress. There is no hope as long as she continues to lie. The truth is she probably cheated on you before you were married, there may of even been multiple partners. I am almost 100% certain of this. She started an affair less than a year of marriage. She has serious mental problems. I know she is your wife but if she was anyone elses wife would you advise them to stay? She is behaving like a lying slut. She's not satisfied with 1 man thru one year of marriage. Where do you see this going at year 5, 10 or even 15? Do you want to raise kids with a woman like this? You have gotten yourself in a relationship with someone who is most likely a serial cheater. She may quit for a while but she will start it up again, if not 6 months, possibly a year, 3 years, or 5+ but it will happen. Hell she may still be doing it. Be thankful you found out now before there are any kids envolved. Cut your losses and find a woman who can actually keep her legs shut thru the first year. I don't think thats a hard standard to live up to. At this point almost anyone would be better than this woman. She's a horrible person. You seem like a good guy don't let this horrible person drag you down with her. There are plenty of women out there looking for a great guy like yourself.
RecordProducer Posted July 11, 2005 Posted July 11, 2005 If my husband was even close to cheating in the first year of the marriage, I would divorce him. I could never trust him again. I don't see any motives for your wife to cheat on you or even spend "quality" time with this man. If she was unhappy with the marriage there are at least two steps she should've taken instead, such as trying to work things out or divorce. It seems that her inner moral codex doesn't filter infidelity as something immoral. I would find it very hard to live with a person who has lied to me. It's even worse that she supposedly doesn't love him. Then why did she do that?
Author Jrugby7 Posted July 12, 2005 Author Posted July 12, 2005 It is very hard to live with her right now. I hate having to check up on her, or check her phone. She has done everything i've asked since i found out. We go to MC and she goes to IC, there has been no contact, and we both seem to be investing more in out relationship than before. Who knows, in a month i might decide i gave it my best shot but its just not working out. Or things could work out and we could be very happy.
Woggle Posted July 12, 2005 Posted July 12, 2005 I am a man who had his wife cheat on him. I left her and never looked back. I suggest you do the same. You can do so much better and any woman that destroys your self esteem is not worth keeping around.
jmargel Posted July 12, 2005 Posted July 12, 2005 Jrugby, If she is doing everything she can about this what else do you want? This is more or less your insecurity because of this. This is something YOU must work on yourself. Leaving her and finding another woman is not a guarantee that this won't happen to you again. You could also be depressed, so look into that as well. You may feel like everythin is tainted now for what she has done. Remember, there is no just 'one' talk about this. Talk to her as much as you feel comfortable. Tell her how YOU feel, how insecure you are and how you still believe something is going on even though there probably is not. Right now I'd say things are going good for you. There are alot of women on here who have cheated and still see the OM, still won't acknowedge there is a problem, etc.. Remember this is a test of TRUE LOVE. True love is a sustaining love. No one is perfect. You also have to consider that what she has done if this is not of her true personality. If it's not and you find out WHY she did this then you have a considerable chance at success with her. You are going to be checking on her cell, etc.. This is normal. You were cheated on and lied to. Trust is earned and even in a new relationship you don't give the new person all your trust. It may take months or years to get it all back. However, if you drop the marriage you are letting this OM win. You will be doing what he wants. Look at it that way. You can do nothing worse to this other guy's ego and self-image then continuing your marriage and allowing her ignore his calls. If he still keeps calling, get a restraining order against him and have you both sign it.
Jijomo Posted July 12, 2005 Posted July 12, 2005 If she confessed everything and apologized profusely, then yes, I'd say try to work it out. But she REFUSED to cut ties with him when you were first suspicious. She lied to you. She continued to lie to you. She won't give you any details that you don't already know. In other words, she's not sorry, and she will continue to see him, and continue to lie to you, as long as you let her by with it. You deserve better. Divorce her, sue her for alimony, and move on with your life.
RecordProducer Posted July 19, 2005 Posted July 19, 2005 I was thinking about my case. When my H left me I felt so terrible, but in just 2-3 years I got over completely and had two more boyfriends and now I have new problems and if this relationships ends, I will have other men and be loved and dumped and will dump and suffer and enjoy 100 more times. When you leave, you give yourself a chance. When you stay you will either work on the marriage or suffer. This is valid for any problem, not just infidelity. I would always rather get my ill tooth pulled out than take the pain for years. But it's true that it's easier to be left on than leave yourself. The reason why people divorce after an affair is not because of principals; it's rather because they can't take the pain and deal with it. It takes courage to break everything and pack your bags and go through a painful divorce, but in the long-term it's a much better option. (Unless you become a woman hater like Woogle! )
Author Jrugby7 Posted July 25, 2005 Author Posted July 25, 2005 First i want to thank everyone who has posted. There have been a wide range of answers and its given me alot to think about. We have been doing good, seeing MC and she goes to IC, i think its helped. Through MC we have discovered a trait in her personality, she is never satifsfied and the grass is always greener on the other side. We have discussed alot of things and I feel like she has been honest about what happened. Now to the problem. We were at a party this weekend and i noticed all the couples talking and laughing and touching one another. At the end of the night my wife and i got into an arguement and she ended up crying all night because we didn't act towards one another like the other couples. I told her it would take time, its only been a little over a month since i found out. We love each other and we want to work it out but how do we get those feelings back? I would say right now I'm less than optomistic about our future. The most frustraiting thing for me is when i'm away from her i think i want to end it, but when we are together i look at her and i love her too much to give it up. any advice?
whichwayisup Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 Now to the problem. We were at a party this weekend and i noticed all the couples talking and laughing and touching one another. At the end of the night my wife and i got into an arguement and she ended up crying all night because we didn't act towards one another like the other couples. I told her it would take time, its only been a little over a month since i found out. We love each other and we want to work it out but how do we get those feelings back? I would say right now I'm less than optomistic about our future. What counts is how you to are together, not how you look. One never knows what goes on behind closed doors, so she shouldn't compare other couples giggling and laughing out at a party and base that on that is how their life is. Parties bring out fun in people and many "put it on" abit more than usual. NOone is UP all the time like that. It hasn't been a long time, a month is still very early. Stay in the now, let things roll as they happen. Forcing the trust and feelings to come rushing back is too much pressure. She still has to be an open book to you when it comes to OM and hopefully she is doing no contact...And if he contacts her, she lets you know. Honest and an open book she has to become. This isnt' your doing, it's HERS. But together both of you can work through it. Read DazednConfused's thread (think it's on page 2 or 3 now) it's long but worth every word reading.
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