Fireborn Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 Apparently dating isn't working out for me so I give up. I'm not sure if I am the nut bag or if she is. I met this woman on a dating site in November. We "dated" for about five weeks. Slept with her once and them three days later she told me she wasn't over her ex and told me she didn't want trouble. She obviously went back to her ex. Contacted me several times (Jan and Feb) begging for another chance and told me she was scared. That she made a mistake and asked to take me out on a date. (I think they were having problems so she would contact me.) Fast forward to late Feb I receive a text from her begging for another chance and all these excuses. Just lies and manipulation. First week into our "friendship" she says we need to talk about these dating sites your on. So I removed myself from them per her request. While the entire time she says" let's take things slow, let's start out as friends bc I don't want to make the same mistakes I've made in other relationships. I'm scared, baby steps, no mind games, I know you could have a cute girlfriend but be patient" Would call me her future girlfriend and future fake. The week before I had enough of her lies and blowing me off we kissed. She freaked out two days later saying she wasn't ready for a girlfriend and wanted to talk about it bc she didn't want to run away. That she was just scared. Her texts and calls got infrequent. I finally had enough after she blew me off for the 5th time. Six weeks in I asked why she asked me to take myself off of the dating sites. Her response "I didn't want u to like someone more than me when I'm ready and you want her instead of me." Then told me she felt like I was waiting on her. That I'd be waiting a very long time. So I stopped talking to her. This was early April. A few weeks ago I got a text from her saying "yes she shaved her head and sent me a selfie. Then asked how I was and told me about her dogs and a 5k.. Blah blah... I responded 24 hours later saying awesome. Good for you. Have fun running with your dogs in the 5k. No response from her. I noticed she has all these pics of us on Facebook that I was still tagged in. (Not Facebook friends.) I dislike this woman so much for the games she played, so I texted her last night asking her to remove them. She cussed me out and told me to go to therapy. I then said some things that probably shouldn't have. Last night she told me I wasn't listening and wouldn't accept she didn't want to be with me when we first started talking again. I brought up the dating site thing and she says ok. Made me out to be crazy. She's back with her ex for the 3rd time but denied it 5 minutes after telling me her ex says hi and called me a douche. Then said she is sitting on her front porch drunk and can't talk bc he is here. I told her goodbye just remove the pics of me bc I don't want to be associated with you. Told her to have a nice life. I should never have contacted her but I had a few drinks and we know how that works out. I feel crazy. I was there and I heard every word she said. Yes it was hot and cold but she made me believe if we went slow and took our time we'd have a great relationship. Why would this person do this two me twice. Yes I know I wen back after the first time. Ughh. I'm distraught and really hurt. I blocked the **** out of her. Seriously three times she goes back to this person while telling me I misinterpreted everything. Another thing is she acted like she said none of those things and called me delusional. I can't believe I allowed this person to do this to me twice. That's my fault. Oh and the lies. What a liar she is. She manipulated me when she got back in contact in late feb. told me her son had to go to western psych bc he tried to kill himself. So out of concern I went to her house. Her son seemed perfectly fine and his friends were all there and her ex husband who was picking the kids up for the weekend. Here according to her ex husband (one of her many exes) told me that wasn't true and that she had been drinking all day. Said he would talk to her about that. She never mentioned cutting or western psych ever again. Am I nuts? What's wrong with me that I deserved this crap?
Emilia Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 What's wrong with me that I deserved this crap? Leaky boundaries. You weren't paying enough attention to her personality from the start and you have kept her in your life since. You probably should have binned her around the 2 weeks mark. 3
mrldii Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 I agree with Emilia...it's not so much that you "deserved this crap" as you were a willing participant in allowing "this crap" into your life. Since it's true 'we reap what we sow', if we plant "crap" seeds (or allow "crap" seeds to blow into our garden), we're going to have a crop of "crap". Of course the bounty of "crap" we harvest depends on how much - or little - tending we do to it, during the growing season. Next time, don't [simply] believe others' words...especially when their actions are proving something completely different than what you want to hear. Best of luck to you, OP... 2
Downtown Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 Am I crazy?Fireborn, perhaps you are crazy. Anything is possible. I nonetheless suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join Emilia and the other respondents in discussing them with you. I mention BPD to you because, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. This is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves. To a lesser extent, folks exhibiting strong narcissistic or sociopathic symptoms also are known to have this "crazymaking effect" on their partners. There are two primary differences between these 3 disorders. One is that, whereas BPDers are emotionally unstable, narcissists and sociopaths typically are very stable. The other is that, whereas BPDers usually truly believe the outrageous claims coming out of their mouths, narcissists and sociopaths know they are false and are simply deliberately lying to you. I caution that having one personality disorder doesn't rule out also having another PD too. With BPD, for example, 39% of the BPDers also exhibit full-blown narcissism as well. Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and a heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back or avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, Fireborn. 2
Author Fireborn Posted June 4, 2016 Author Posted June 4, 2016 Yes I agree I allowed this in my life and should have ignored her the 2nd time around. I give to many chances and wanted to believe what she said was true. Her actions never matched her words. I feel like I was used to make her ex jealous. My fault and I'll never allow that in my life ever again. Like I said I feel like the crazy one. She even made a comment about a friend of mine who liked me that it made her uncomfortable. Time to move on and I see now what a jerk she is. I hope her ex breaks her heart a 4th time bc karma is a b**. I have her blocked so she can never contact me ever again. 1
Emilia Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 Just make sure OP you screen for behaviour like this during the first couple of weeks. It's the biggest favour you can do for yourself. Some of us attract crazies, we have to learn how to block them before they harm us. 1
Author Fireborn Posted June 4, 2016 Author Posted June 4, 2016 Downtown I'm thinking she's a narccist, but who knows. She told me she was a former heroin addict but that could be a lie too. Then told me she is an alcoholic. Carried plane bottles of whiskey around with her. Yes I'd love to discuss this bc I feel a little emotionally messed up from it. I've never experienced this before.
Downtown Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 Downtown I'm thinking she's a narcissist, but who knows.Well, I don't know either. One of the reasons I suggest you consider BPD warning signs is that your exGF apparently mentioned "cutting" to you. Granted, she said that the one likely to do cutting was her son (another apparent lie). It may be, however, that she is the one who has done cutting in the past -- and she is now projecting that fear onto him. If so, her cutting is a big red flag for BPD. The APA's diagnostic manual (DSM-5) lists "self-harming behavior such as cutting" for only one disorder: BPD. That is, of the 157 disorders listed in DSM-5, only BPD has "cutting" listed as a defining trait. Moreover, many studies have shown that self harm like cutting is strongly associated with BPD. A 2004 hospital study, for example, found thatSelf-mutilating behavior is a symptom seen in both men and women with various psychiatric disorders, but the majority of those who self-mutilate are women with borderline personality disorder. This complex, maladaptive behavior is used by clients as a means of self-preservation and emotion regulation, and is often associated with childhood trauma. See J Psychosoc Nurs Ment Health Serv. 2004.
Author Fireborn Posted June 4, 2016 Author Posted June 4, 2016 I don't know. She is covered in tattoos on her arms so that could cover up any scars. I just don't know what to make of it. I've never in my life encountered such a messed up person. Not saying I'm perfect bc I'm probably a mess too. However I would never do what she did to me to another human being. I'm feeling a little bitter and I no longer trust myself anymore. I mean she showed up on our "dates" drunk and I had no idea. She'd get drunk and send me love songs and say nice things. Really just a mess.
Emilia Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 I mean she showed up on our "dates" drunk and I had no idea. She'd get drunk and send me love songs and say nice things. Really just a mess. Yes, this is more common than you think.
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