Electrogrrl Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 So my boyfriend of almost 2 years is having this girl from his home town stay with him for a week and a half. She's not a good friend of his or anything, just someone that he went to university with. She's been here since last Monday and I haven't met her yet. My b/f said (before she even got into town) that he wanted to spend time with her alone before introducing us...why, I don't know, but I didn't make a big fuss about it. The problem is now, that I barely hear from him--since she's been here he hasn't called me once and the only contact I get from him are emails telling me about whatever it was they did the night before. The first few days of this didn't bug me, but this morning I woke up mad as hell and didn't know why at first... Like lots of people I have trust issues. Logically I know that my boyfriend wouldn't cheat. I've decided to place that trust with him, but it's hard and I don't know why (maybe cause I've been cheated on many times before, but I know I can't judge him based on what others have done). It makes it especially hard when I never hear from him and it feels like he doesn't want me to meet this girl. Normally we spend weekends together and I wasn't sure if we would be seeing each other this weekend so I asked him in an email on Monday and he never replied to that question. He completely ignored it. I feel like he will get upset if I call him because he'll think that I'm taking up his time with his friend or worse that he'll think I'm calling to check up on him. The worst part of this is that I can't even bring this issue up with him because I know what his reaction will be.. He will think that I'm crazy and jealous and possessive and not giving him his space and then that'll start a fight. So right now I'm a bit stuck. I have these feelings that I'm trying to work through (but can't even express to my b/f) and I'm not quite sure how to even do that...Any suggestions?
Artifact Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 Originally posted by Electrogrrl He will think that I'm crazy and jealous and possessive and not giving him his space and then that'll start a fight. So right now I'm a bit stuck. You don't sound crazy or jealous or possessive to me- in fact, that you have managed to last this long makes you seem rather (too?) under control. The situation seems slightly wierd, and I would try to find out what's up. Call him and ask about the weekend, or suggest that you come by tonight. There is no need for him to be hiding a girl in his home...
EnigmaXOXO Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 Like lots of people I have trust issues. Logically I know that my boyfriend wouldn't cheat. And people have trust issues because they had partners whom they thought "logically wouldn't cheat"… but did. So instead of looking at your lack of trust as some kind of flaw, celebrate your heightened awareness because you earned your education fair and square. Of course you're feeling apprehensive. You would be ridiculously naïve not to see there was something VERY shady regarding your boyfriend's recent behavior. Perhaps I've led a sheltered life…or perhaps I'm just too darn stubborn to hook up with someone who would pull this kind of stunt in the first place. But in all my life I have never, ever dated someone who tried pulling this crap on me. Nor could I ever imagine doing this to someone else. And if it happened…I'd wear my "trust issues" like a badge of honor while booting his ars out the door. And I'd be willing to wager a bet that there are more folks out there who'd do the exact same thing. Those who don't are usually the one's who end up getting stuck with the cheaters and MOUNDS of "trust issues" of their own.
Cecelius Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 This is not being insecure. This is not a trust issue. This is BS, and you need to end it. This is very similar to the camping threads. I am a man, and if another man told me that his g/f was having some guy she went to school with stay with her, I would tell him to dump his g/f without a second word.
crazy_grl Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 Originally posted by Electrogrrl I feel like he will get upset if I call him because he'll think that I'm taking up his time with his friend or worse that he'll think I'm calling to check up on him. You have every right to check up on him. He's shutting you out to spend time alone (nights included) with another girl, one that you don't know because he refuses to let you meet her. I think you should surprise him tonight by stopping in to say hi. You don't have to make it look like you're checking up on him though. The worst part of this is that I can't even bring this issue up with him because I know what his reaction will be.. He will think that I'm crazy and jealous and possessive and not giving him his space and then that'll start a fight. So right now I'm a bit stuck. I have these feelings that I'm trying to work through (but can't even express to my b/f) and I'm not quite sure how to even do that...Any suggestions? Crazy and jealous... yeah and he's selfish and inconsiderate. You were perfectly understanding of him having a friend over, even his not wanting to have you meet her at first. Most people wouldn't even have tollerated that. But it looks like he's taking advantage of that. This is not acceptable behavior by most people's standards, and from what you're saying, it's not acceptable to you either. Worry more about whether you're getting the respect you deserve from the relationship than whether or not you'll start a fight. Some battles are worth fighting, and having a woman over to spend what sounds a lot like a romantic holiday is one of those battles.
Debster Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 I wouldn't have a problem if my now-husband had a friend from University stay with him - even if it is a girl or ex girlfriend. I would, however, have a problem if while she was there his behaviour changed towards me. If there is nothing going on, he should be fine with you meeting her.
centered Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 EG, you've already gotten lots of good feedback. I'd like to add that his behavior really boils down to one of three possibilities: 1) He's ashamed of you and doesn't want his friend to meet you. 2) He's ashamed of his friend, and doesn't want you to meet her. 3) He's hiding something. People that have been together as boyfriend/girlfriend for more than a few weeks have gotten to a point where they *want* to share things, meet each other's friends, and are proud of who they are with. His behavior is totally unacceptable as a "boyfriend."
Author Electrogrrl Posted June 27, 2005 Author Posted June 27, 2005 First off, I want to say thanks to everyone for the great advice. Upon leaving work Friday evening I was still somewhat unsure of what to do...then the b/f called to see if I wanted to meet up with him and his friend on Saturday for brunch. This infuriated me as we always have a Saturday brunch date and now I had to be invited to my own brunch date I tried to explain this to him, but he was with a coworker and wasn't paying much attention to me. Again I felt he was being disrespectful. He ended up laughing at me for being angry about the situation and hanging up. Later that evening he called again to see if I was going to meet him. By that time I had thought everything through and decided I was not going to take this b.s. situation any longer. I explained exactly how I thought he was being rude and why (in a fairly calm manner for how angry I was). I also told him that if he expected to keep me as his girlfriend he needed to show me (and our relationship) more respect. I think I went on for nearly an hour and a half. He apologized for being such a jerk and said it hadn't occured to him that keeping his friend and I apart seemed shady. So, long story short, we ended up having brunch together on Saturday and having a lot of fun. His friend and I totally hit it off and it was a completely drama free weekend--we actually spent the whole weekend together and now I have a new friend (and a boyfriend who's slowly learning not to be so clueless and thoughtless )
She_Devil Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Originally posted by Cecelius This is not being insecure. This is not a trust issue. This is BS, and you need to end it. I second that. If there is nothing to hide then there is no reason for you not to meet her. You are strong not to get pissed about her even staying with him. I would just ask him about it...if he freaks there is something that he is not telling you.
ImaManDammit Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Well, I hope this does not come back and haunt you , because now everything is fine and you'll never get answers like why did you ingore me. Because if we look at the history here, its not very good. 1) Because a rational person would have never asked you not to meet someone they were spending time with 2) Would have not ingored you the entire time with them. 3) Have trouble understanding you would have a problem it. This type of attitude breads mistrust. BUT, what's done is done, and its happy time in lovers lan once again From now on, you need to identify these issues and feelings BEFORE it happens and not during.
westernxer Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Hmmm... I wonder why he wants to be alone with her... Nah, it couldn't be.
ImaManDammit Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer Hmmm... I wonder why he wants to be alone with her... Nah, it couldn't be. But now that she's met her, she's ok with it. So I guess for any guy who wants to cheat on his gf, just introduce you're cheating with to your gf afterwards and everything will be as it should. I don't think I could sell this.
WithOrWithoutYou Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 If some guy had been sleeping at my GFs place for a series of days while she ignored me and dodged my questions, I would still have issues with what what did or didn't happen even if I DID later get to meet the GFs ex and liked him. But you must be a much more trusting person than the rest of us... Either that, or you have some experience with a certain river in Egypt. Who knows. Glad you are happy now, and I hope it doesn't come back to haunt you or your relaitonship.
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