Sexless relationship

June 4, 2016

Forget therapy. Drop this guy and forget about trying to fix him. Something is VERY wrong here and you're just wasting your time. What you see is what you get. If you don't like what you see, then move on.

Don't 'just drop this guy' - that's the sad mentality of this throwaway consumer culture. That's what's wrong with today's generation: they just drop stuff, which is lame.

I'm speaking from your boyfriend's side, as I was similar to your boyfriend, and I'm even the same age group (37 now, but I was 35 and 36 at the time). Though I wouldn't go for 18 months without having sex with my ex, I would often like to avoid it for a month, but I changed.

So what changed? Well, I always enjoyed porn, and the fantasies it evoked. So I made a decision to ban all porn from my life. I ended up banning about 95% of it, which was enough, and continued to view a handful of pictures probably about once per week - but never videos. I also aimed to completely stopped masturbating, and instead ensure my only sexual stimulation was with and from her. In practice I would occasionally masturbate once per week, but it was still a huge improvement over my daily habit. I hoped I could return to a more natural, more organic sex life.

This worked very well and the quality of sex improved dramatically, so dramatically that in that last year of my relationship with her I had the best sex of my entire life. The quantity of sex rose less dramatically, but it still increased significantly. By this point I'd been with her for 5 years, and I suddenly began desiring her intensely, even though I had certain 'icky' hangups (not about menstrual blood, but similar hangups).

So perhaps approach him as if it's a game. Say something like "let's see who can go the longest without masturbating". It might work, and is worth a shot.

June 4, 2016

I'm sorry, but the thing that bothers me (more than the obvious) is that he has requested naked photos of you and you have sent him boudoir photos. This relationship seems to me like it has a good chance it will not be a stable, long term relationship (for obvious reasons) and I would not trust him with naked photos, not at all. It seems weird to me that he wants photos and not sex. Weird.

June 4, 2016

I can't imagine him being gay as he used to request a lot of naked photos when we started dating.

I honestly believe he was grossed out the first time and it somehow ruined it for him.

Why would he be grossed out if he had seen all of those naked pics of you?

Personally I couldn't go 18 days with out sex so you have let this go way too long. What have you been doing all this time?

Definitely talk to him in a supportive, nurturing way and offer to go to counseling if needed.

June 4, 2016

Despite our issue our relationship is still the best I have ever had. He still treats me with respect, rub my feet warm during the cold winter nights, pack my lunch every single day and most of all tell me he loves me in ways that words can't describe.

It would be a mistake to let him go just because one area of our relationship isn't perfect and need some work.

OH PLEASE. You stayed 18 months in a sexless relationship because he rubs your feel and pack your lunch? That's not a relationship, that's a friendship. You are too old to put up with that poop and too young to settle for only companionship. You should have end this months ago. What ever his reasons are it's not your problem to solve, he also has mislead you all of those 18 months and you don't seem upset by the fact he's been wasting your time.

June 4, 2016

Don't 'just drop this guy' - that's the sad mentality of this throwaway consumer culture. That's what's wrong with today's generation: they just drop stuff, which is lame.

No, that's not at all what's wrong with today's society. What's wrong with society is the people out there with big issues such as this guy's. No one in their right mind would put up with a sexless dating relationship. What I see way too much of is the inability to spot serious problems in the beginning or having this "let me see if I can fix this person" mentality. It rarely, if ever, works. What you often see is a temporary fix and then it's right back to the old patterns. When dating and having serious issues like this, a person needs to just walk away from it. I have seen too many times this turn into a true nightmare after marriage.

Also, she will forever be conscious of being on her period, and they'll never be comfortable having sex again. I would've put up with this sexless nonsense for about two weeks, max.

Edited June 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed code

June 4, 2016

No, that's not at all what's wrong with today's society. What's wrong with society is the people out there with big issues such as this guy's. No one in their right mind would put up with a sexless dating relationship. What I see way too much of is the inability to spot serious problems in the beginning or having this "let me see if I can fix this person" mentality. It rarely, if ever, works. What you often see is a temporary fix and then it's right back to the old patterns. When dating and having serious issues like this, a person needs to just walk away from it. I have seen too many times this turn into a true nightmare after marriage.

Also, she will forever be conscious of being on her period, and they'll never be comfortable having sex again. I would've put up with this sexless nonsense for about two weeks, max.

I see your point, and I understand and appreciate it, but on the other hand a whole discourse exists which declares relationships are not easy and require a lot of hard work.

So what's it to be? Drop it and run when difficult issues arise, or attempt to work through them?

As I've already described, I was one of those who listened to my ex's concerns, addressed them, and things improved.

Edited June 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed code

June 4, 2016

So what's it to be? Drop it and run when difficult issues arise, or attempt to work through them?

As I've already described, I was one of those who listened to my ex's concerns, addressed them, and things improved.

But it's been 18 months. It's not like the OP has just started dating the guy. It needs to come from him, he is 35 years old, not 20. Yet it's her posting here, not him.

You can't work through something the other person isn't addressing.

June 4, 2016

So what's it to be? Drop it and run when difficult issues arise, or attempt to work through them?
.

Yes, relationships require work but there are issues and there are issues.

The OP has been with this man for 18 months and apart from the once in which he was "traumatised" by period blood, they haven't had any sex. This is a man in his 30s, has he never encountered period blood before? I guess he has, and this is not about a bit of blood, this is covering up a huge problem.

This is not just a small issue, this is 18 months worth of an issue.

How fixable that is is up for debate, he could indeed be gay, he could have a porn addiction, he maybe does have ED/PE issues, he may have another woman/man on the side, he maybe never quite got over hs last relationship, he maybe has a kink, a fetish, he maybe doesn't see the OP in a sexual way, he maybe is asexual, he maybe is quite happy being friends...etc. etc...Who knows?

WE do know that in 18 months he has not opened up to the OP about the fact he doesn't want sex with her and that in itself doesn't bode well.

Is it worth getting mired in no doubt loads of heart ache, for a relatively short relationship, or is it better just to throw in the towel?

IMO relationships are hard enough, without getting involved with people who have serious issues.

June 4, 2016

Despite our issue our relationship is still the best I have ever had. He still treats me with respect, rub my feet warm during the cold winter nights, pack my lunch every single day and most of all tell me he loves me in ways that words can't describe.

It would be a mistake to let him go just because one area of our relationship isn't perfect and need some work.

Are you serious?

My mum did that for me.

Rub your feet? Pack your lunch? Don't make be puke.

OP, unless you are asexual , this isn't a relationship.

Do you even realise how ridiculous this sounds?

I hope that by posting here you realise just how way out of the norm all this is.

It sounds like he is gay and using you as a 'beard'.

June 4, 2016

So what's it to be? Drop it and run when difficult issues arise, or attempt to work through them?

Attempt to work through what?

This isn't a relationship, it never started.

June 4, 2016

I have SOOOOO many questions that I would like answered to better help you:

Does he have a penis?
Have you seen or felt his penis?
Does his penis ever get hard?
If his penis gets hard, when does this happen and how long does it last?
Does he seem interested in your genital area? i.e. looking at it, touching it etc.
Has he ever touched your genital area with fingers, hands,lips, tongue, penis etc.? (other than 1 fateful oral attempt)
Have you asked him if he wants sex?
Have you asked him if he wants sex WITH YOU?
Have you asked him if he has any concerns over the sexlessness of your r/s?
Have you told him that you have a hard time understanding the sexlessness and asked him what else there is he would like to share?
Have you asked him whether he has had sex with men? And if so, when was the most recent such encounter?
Have you asked him if he has any undisclosed health issues as to sexual health, mental health, or anything really?
Have you asked him whether he had ever seen menstrual blood before the 1 oral attempt? And if not, why not?
Has he expressed any concern over the effect that sexlessness may have on YOU?
Has he acknowledged that his behavior does not match his words and claims?
Have you had a true heart to heart about sexual feelings, both yoursd and his?
Is there anything in his family background, culture, career etc. that would make it hard for him to acknowledge homosexuality (if that were in fact what is going on)?
Other than foot rubs, what physical contact does he initiate? (sorry if I missed it above) Any of these: hugs standing, hugs lying down, embracing naked in bed, pressing naked against each other, kissing on cheek, lips, w/ or w/o tongue, nuzzling, etc.?
How did your r/s initiate? Was there a sexual factor in the beginning, of any sort? Contact, talk, innuendo?

Unlike others, I am not going to discount the value of what you currently share. If you have a loving, close, committed 1:1 friendship with plenty of foot rubs and packed lunches, that does mean a lot. It is a personal choice for you whether the whole package works better than the alternative. Do keep in mind that there is a world full of men and many of them (OK, 99.76%) would be happy to give you a normal sex life. Some of those (maybe 40%) would also pack lunch and rub feet. Anyhow, please do answer the questions if you don't mind, we need to get to the heart of this mystery.....

Edited June 4, 2016 by SoleMate

June 4, 2016

I really want to but at the same time I am trying to avoid conflict. I actually want to suggest that we go for therapy and see if it might be a mental thing for him.

Do you guys kiss, make out, does he get erections while with you?

Sorry, without sex and physical affection or intimacy, this sounds more like a close friendship rather than a romantic relationship.

Friends cuddle by the way, means nothing.

June 4, 2016

He's gay. Seriously.

June 4, 2016

At the very least, you'd think a healthy hetero guy would want a bj occasionally .

He could be gay or simply emotionally attached but devoid of romantic feelings.

In others words, he is a good friend who happens to be a guy.

Cuddles, rubbing feet, packing lunches does not a romantic relationship make.

Not to mention, the fact you are afraid to even discuss this with him indicates your *friendship* isn't even that close.

Sorry.....

June 4, 2016

You have to decide what you what out this relationship? What's the most important part of this relationship right now? It seems you love him but he has issues having sex direct sex with you. Is that what you want? If so he'll need to find a why he won't perform on you? Some men can't do this. The porn stuff that's a red flag to me like he's enjoying that more than you. Did you know about this before you got into this relationship that he was into porn? So the porn is getting his 100% attention for sex and not with you. Do you see what's going on there?

Take away his porn then would force him to have sex with you but if he doesn't just feel you can give him what he needs? He will not perform as you as hope. The period episode two had wasn't what I call good. You really need to sit down with him and talk about this otherwise you'll never get what you after and he'll never want to make a change for the good. If you can live with out sex with him then you just going to have to put up with the porn vs you.

This is your choice to make only you can make that choice. We all here can only say what we all think. Everything perfect you say except for the sex. So right there it's bothering and you really can't change him because he's doing something he likes doing the porn.

Edited June 4, 2016 by coolheadal

June 4, 2016

As well as SoulMates's questions, it would be good to know:

what was your sex life like in previous relationships (frequency, etc)?

how often do you try to initiate, and does it ever get past just a cuddle (heavy petting etc)?

did you have any bad sexual experiences that put you off (other than the one you talked about with this guy)?

Just trying to see why you might have allowed this to drag on so long.

Also, re the porn, how often does he watch it and have you seen what he watches?

Edited June 4, 2016 by joseb

June 5, 2016

I dont know...I wouldnt stay in a sexless relationship...esp not for 18 months.

Sex is an important part of relationships....

Maybe you should stop asking yourself what his deal is...

And start asking yourself if you're ok with being in a sexless relationship

Seeing as its been 18 months of this...I think its highly unlikely this will change

I agree with other posters...he is gay... or has ED

Either way I'd cut this one loose

Theres so many great guys out there...why settle for one that wont have sex with you???

June 5, 2016

I think this thread is a testament to just how deep the 'but I can fix this' syndrome goes with some people. Either that, or there is a visa at stake, it's pretty hard to get these days especially with a high risk country, like Russia.

June 5, 2016

I am a bit worried about the state of my current relationship as we have only been intimate once since dating for the last 18 months.

Should we seek therapy? or should I expect the worst?

WHAT!? Is that you in the picture? I'd shag you daily, dear. Why settle?

No, seriously. What makes you think you can't do better? Do you have a traumatic past? Abuse? Poor parents?

June 5, 2016

I have SOOOOO many questions that I would like answered to better help you:

Does he have a penis?
Have you seen or felt his penis?
Does his penis ever get hard?
If his penis gets hard, when does this happen and how long does it last?
Does he seem interested in your genital area? i.e. looking at it, touching it etc.
Has he ever touched your genital area with fingers, hands,lips, tongue, penis etc.? (other than 1 fateful oral attempt)
Have you asked him if he wants sex?
Have you asked him if he wants sex WITH YOU?
Have you asked him if he has any concerns over the sexlessness of your r/s?
Have you told him that you have a hard time understanding the sexlessness and asked him what else there is he would like to share?
Have you asked him whether he has had sex with men? And if so, when was the most recent such encounter?
Have you asked him if he has any undisclosed health issues as to sexual health, mental health, or anything really?
Have you asked him whether he had ever seen menstrual blood before the 1 oral attempt? And if not, why not?
Has he expressed any concern over the effect that sexlessness may have on YOU?
Has he acknowledged that his behavior does not match his words and claims?
Have you had a true heart to heart about sexual feelings, both yoursd and his?
Is there anything in his family background, culture, career etc. that would make it hard for him to acknowledge homosexuality (if that were in fact what is going on)?
Other than foot rubs, what physical contact does he initiate? (sorry if I missed it above) Any of these: hugs standing, hugs lying down, embracing naked in bed, pressing naked against each other, kissing on cheek, lips, w/ or w/o tongue, nuzzling, etc.?
How did your r/s initiate? Was there a sexual factor in the beginning, of any sort? Contact, talk, innuendo?

Unlike others, I am not going to discount the value of what you currently share. If you have a loving, close, committed 1:1 friendship with plenty of foot rubs and packed lunches, that does mean a lot. It is a personal choice for you whether the whole package works better than the alternative. Do keep in mind that there is a world full of men and many of them (OK, 99.76%) would be happy to give you a normal sex life. Some of those (maybe 40%) would also pack lunch and rub feet. Anyhow, please do answer the questions if you don't mind, we need to get to the heart of this mystery.....

I started LOLing after #2, couldn't finish!

June 5, 2016

I am anxiously awaiting the results of the list (even if didn't get through it all!)

My next question (before having read THE LIST), was going to be if they have sleep overs, and if he ever has morning wood.

But OMG I didn't consider #1! There was that case that got press - woman sued another woman who had charaded as a man, and somehow deceived her.

So yes, let's hear the answers to #1 and go from there.

June 5, 2016

We had a very long talk last night and he admitted that he no longer has romantic feelings towards me and that it is best if we part ways. I am absolutely gutted and feels like my whole world has been turned upside down.

Edited June 5, 2016 by Katie_T

June 5, 2016

We had a very long talk last night and he admitted that he no longer has romantic feelings towards me and that it is best if we part ways. I am absolutely gutted and feels like my whole world has been turned upside down.

Katie I am very very sorry you are hurting, but honestly I am not surprised, it was the only logical conclusion.

Are you surprised? Surely you must have suspected that might be the case.

Anyway, again I am so sorry but hopefully lesson learned.

No sex, no intimacy = no romantic relationship.

It's a friendship...

Hope you feel better soon. Hugs.

ETA:. Still not ruling out the possibility he may be gay, but doesn't wish to admit it.

Edited June 5, 2016 by katiegrl

June 5, 2016

We had a very long talk last night and he admitted that he no longer has romantic feelings towards me and that it is best if we part ways. I am absolutely gutted and feels like my whole world has been turned upside down.

I am very sorry for your heartbreak. You did nothing wrong and your 'accident' at beginning has nothing to do in this. My gut tells me he had-has someone else and was having sex somewhere else too.

It's better this way. Now you can meet a nice man that treats you right AND desires the beautiful woman that you are.

June 5, 2016

He's gay. Seriously.

Yep.

Sex dwindled with my ex to once every three weeks. Every time I initiated he pushed me away. I have never been turned down from men, I was a model for many years and have a desired body type.

It drove me insane for 4 months... And guess what? He was in the closet.

This guys is not into women.

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