Katie_T Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 (edited) I am a bit worried about the state of my current relationship as we have only been intimate once since dating for the last 18 months. There was a little accident, was still on my period, and think it ruined things for us in the intimacy department. I love this man dearly and we are absolutely amazing together but the lack of intimacy is starting to really concern me. It honestly feels like he is avoiding it all cost and whenever I try to initiate sex it just ends up in a cuddle. Should we seek therapy? or should I expect the worst? Edited June 4, 2016 by Katie_T
fands Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 (edited) Perhaps just talk to him. Say that you think sex is an important part of a relationship, and you're not having any. Say it makes you feel like he doesn't find you attractive. Then if he says it's not you, and he has a low libido, or is depressed, or whatever...then you can talk about what you can do together to try to make the relationship work. For example, he could get treatment for his depression, acknowledging that things can't go on indefinitely as they are. Edited June 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Author Katie_T Posted June 4, 2016 Author Posted June 4, 2016 A few things. If that pic is you, then you are attractive, so that should rule out you just being plain ugly, and thus unable to inspire a guy to want to have sex with you. With that out of the way, how old is the guy? Is he extremely overweight, or just otherwise unhealthy? I mean, a healthy male spending 18 months with an attractive woman, there should be some sex there, even if the guy does have a relatively low sex drive. Are you sure the guy is not gay? Legitimate question. Thank you for the beautiful compliment; I truly appreciate it. I can't imagine him being gay as he used to request a lot of naked photos when we started dating. I honestly believe he was grossed out the first time and it somehow ruined it for him. 1
Buddhist Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 (edited) I am a bit worried about the state of my current relationship as we have only been intimate once since dating for the last 18 months. There was a little accident, was still on my period, and think it ruined things for us in the intimacy department. Unless this 'accident' was an unplanned pregnancy I am really at a loss to think of anything that would cause a total shutdown in sex. I love this man dearly and we are absolutely amazing together but the lack of intimacy is starting to really concern me. It honestly feels like he is avoiding it all cost and whenever I try to initiate sex it just ends up in a cuddle. Or should I expect the worst? Okay this is a little concerning and I note you live in Sydney (the gay capital of Australia). Do you think there is any chance at all he's having his needs serviced elsewhere, by a guy? I know it's a very confronting and possibly sounds like a cliched thing to say. But your situation sounds extreme, and I've personally known gals in similar situations who had boyfriends come out on them. Does he have a particular guy friend that seems to hang around all the time? They are like BFF's? You see, a het guy who decided his GF was sexually reprehensible wouldn't keep a relationship with you. He'd just end it and find someone else. This amazing relationship you have sounds very much like one between a gay guy and his BFF who happens to be female. Many gay men are actually bi, or experiment with being bi. They are often attracted to very pretty women, especially fashionable ones. Asking for nudes isn't a sure sign he is straight. Edited June 4, 2016 by Buddhist 5
RecentChange Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 So you are saying the one and only time you had sex, there was a little blood - and now 18 months have passed, no sex, and despite this amazing relationship, you two have never been able to even talk about sex - at all!? Def seems weird to me. I am kinda a clean freak and do not like bloody sex (that's why the instead menstral cups are wonderful -clean period sex btw). Any way, anytime I have been caught off guard (beginning of a period etc) the guy has always reacted with "it's fine, I don't care, normal / natural" etc (it's me who rushes to clean up). So a little blood - turning a guy sexless for a year and a half sounds beyond extreme. Have you two ever talked about sex? Do you know how many partners he has had etc? 3
elaine567 Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 So a little blood - turning a guy sexless for a year and a half sounds beyond extreme. I agree, there is a lot more to this story and Buddhist may just have hit the nail on the head. 2
Author Katie_T Posted June 4, 2016 Author Posted June 4, 2016 A few things. If that pic is you, then you are attractive, so that should rule out you just being plain ugly, and thus unable to inspire a guy to want to have sex with you. With that out of the way, how old is the guy? Is he extremely overweight, or just otherwise unhealthy? I mean, a healthy male spending 18 months with an attractive woman, there should be some sex there, even if the guy does have a relatively low sex drive. Are you sure the guy is not gay? Legitimate question. Unless this 'accident' was an unplanned pregnancy I am really at a loss to think of anything that would cause a total shutdown in sex. Okay this is a little concerning and I note you live in Sydney (the gay capital of Australia). Do you think there is any chance at all he's having his needs serviced elsewhere, by a guy? I know it's a very confronting and possibly sounds like a cliched thing to say. But your situation sounds extreme, and I've personally known gals in similar situations who had boyfriends come out on them. Does he have a particular guy friend that seems to hang around all the time? They are like BFF's? You see, a het guy who decided his GF was sexually reprehensible wouldn't keep a relationship with you. He'd just end it and find someone else. This amazing relationship you have sounds very much like one between a gay guy and his BFF who happens to be female. He went down on me while I was still on my period and he was completely grossed out by it. So instead of having sex we ended up washing bed sheets and drinking coffee in awkward silence. I felt completely embarrassed by it. The next day he acted like nothing happened but whenever we are in bed and I try to initiate sex he finds a way to kill the mood. He would either talk about our travel plans to visit my family in Russia or about his marine aquarium.
Author Katie_T Posted June 4, 2016 Author Posted June 4, 2016 So you are saying the one and only time you had sex, there was a little blood - and now 18 months have passed, no sex, and despite this amazing relationship, you two have never been able to even talk about sex - at all!? Def seems weird to me. I am kinda a clean freak and do not like bloody sex (that's why the instead menstral cups are wonderful -clean period sex btw). Any way, anytime I have been caught off guard (beginning of a period etc) the guy has always reacted with "it's fine, I don't care, normal / natural" etc (it's me who rushes to clean up). So a little blood - turning a guy sexless for a year and a half sounds beyond extreme. Have you two ever talked about sex? Do you know how many partners he has had etc? He has had 2 serious relationships before we met. We do talk about sex every now and then, even sent him boudoir photos for his birthday but when it comes to the actual deed he finds a way to deviate from it. Last week I offered to give him a sensual massage but he insisted to give me a foot massage instead, that lead to more conversation and then we both dosed off.
SammySammy Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 Have you tried to discuss why he avoids sex? Like try to get to the underlying reason why he avoids it. 1
Author Katie_T Posted June 4, 2016 Author Posted June 4, 2016 Have you tried to discuss why he avoids sex? Like try to get to the underlying reason why he avoids it. I really want to but at the same time I am trying to avoid conflict. I actually want to suggest that we go for therapy and see if it might be a mental thing for him.
elaine567 Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 How old are the two of you? Did he have sex in the two serious relationships he had previously?
Author Katie_T Posted June 4, 2016 Author Posted June 4, 2016 How old are the two of you? Did he have sex in the two serious relationships he had previously? I am turning 33 in June and he is 35. Yes he did as I am friends with one of his exes.
elaine567 Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 I am turning 33 in June and he is 35. Yes he did as I am friends with one of his exes. OK so this may be an ED problem, does he watch a lot of porn? Before you, was he single for a long time? 2
Author Katie_T Posted June 4, 2016 Author Posted June 4, 2016 OK so this may be an ED problem, does he watch a lot of porn? Before you, was he single for a long time? Sorry for my ignorance but what is ED? Erectile Dysfunction? Yes he was single for around three years when we met and yes he does watch a fair bit of pornography. Is that a bad thing? 1
SammySammy Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 I really want to but at the same time I am trying to avoid conflict. I actually want to suggest that we go for therapy and see if it might be a mental thing for him. It doesn't have to be a conflict. Create an environment where you both feel comfortable talking openly. Listen without judgment. Don't respond emotionally. Make it a "help me understand" or "how can we be better for each other" session. You two have to be able to talk to each other about sensitive issues without getting a therapist involved. This issue needs to be resolved. 4
Buddhist Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 He went down on me while I was still on my period and he was completely grossed out by it. So instead of having sex we ended up washing bed sheets and drinking coffee in awkward silence. I felt completely embarrassed by it. Even so....that's not major. I could understand him not wanting to perform oral sex on you but even penetrative sex? It doesn't sound convincing unless he has some medical issue as suggested that he refuses to face and talk about. The most troubling part of this is neither of you are particularly young. Mid thirties, I'm pretty sure he's seen menstrual blood before by that stage. It's not as if he's 16 or anything. It really doesn't explain the totality of his behaviour. Total avoidance of anything sexual, even a conversation about it? Yet he wants to meet your family? Sorry but the whole thing seems bizarre and not in the least bit plausible. Not suggesting you aren't telling the truth I just think these events don't really explain his avoidance behaviour. 3
Author Katie_T Posted June 4, 2016 Author Posted June 4, 2016 Even so....that's not major. I could understand him not wanting to perform oral sex on you but even penetrative sex? It doesn't sound convincing unless he has some medical issue as suggested that he refuses to face and talk about. The most troubling part of this is neither of you are particularly young. Mid thirties, I'm pretty sure he's seen menstrual blood before by that stage. It's not as if he's 16 or anything. It really doesn't explain the totality of his behaviour. Total avoidance of anything sexual, even a conversation about it? Yet he wants to meet your family? Sorry but the whole thing seems bizarre and not in the least bit plausible. Not suggesting you aren't telling the truth I just think these events don't really explain his avoidance behaviour. Hence my reason for being on here asking for advice and insight. It is driving me insane.
elaine567 Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 Sorry for my ignorance but what is ED? Erectile Dysfunction? Yes he was single for around three years when we met and yes he does watch a fair bit of pornography. Is that a bad thing? It may be. Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction (2014) | Your Brain On Porn 3
Nitachi Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 I bet he prefers the porn and masturbation than having sex with you. 1
elaine567 Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 I bet he prefers the porn and masturbation than having sex with you. Yes, that is essentially what happens. If that is the case here, then the "icky period blood trauma" was just an excuse to avoid sex. 3
bathtub-row Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 Forget therapy. Drop this guy and forget about trying to fix him. Something is VERY wrong here and you're just wasting your time. What you see is what you get. If you don't like what you see, then move on. 6
Author Katie_T Posted June 4, 2016 Author Posted June 4, 2016 Yes, that is essentially what happens. If that is the case here, then the "icky period blood trauma" was just an excuse to avoid sex. I will definitely have a talk with him. The ED is starting to make a lot of sense and the symptoms are there so hopefully this is something we can work through.
elaine567 Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 I will definitely have a talk with him. The ED is starting to make a lot of sense and the symptoms are there so hopefully this is something we can work through. Why do you want to hang around and try to fix him? Why have you hung around this long with a guy who doesn't want to have sex with you? Why are you wasting your time here and treading water? YOU need to ask yourself some tough questions and don't say it is because you love him... 10
joseb Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 Why do you want to hang around and try to fix him? Why have you hung around this long with a guy who doesn't want to have sex with you? Why are you wasting your time here and treading water? YOU need to ask yourself some tough questions and don't say it is because you love him... Yes, this is exactly what I can't get my head around. I can understand it putting him off having oral for a while (or until you let him know it's "safe") but it shouldn't stop him wanting sex for very long. I just can't see how it can have gone on for so long and you are both calling this a relationship?? Most women I've been with would not put up with this for 18 days (or 18 hours!) never mind 18 months. There has to be more to this story OP. Are you leaving other things out? 4
Author Katie_T Posted June 4, 2016 Author Posted June 4, 2016 (edited) Why do you want to hang around and try to fix him? Why have you hung around this long with a guy who doesn't want to have sex with you? Why are you wasting your time here and treading water? YOU need to ask yourself some tough questions and don't say it is because you love him... Despite our issue our relationship is still the best I have ever had. He still treats me with respect, rub my feet warm during the cold winter nights, pack my lunch every single day and most of all tell me he loves me in ways that words can't describe. It would be a mistake to let him go just because one area of our relationship isn't perfect and need some work. Edited June 4, 2016 by Katie_T
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