Yutthezut Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 I've been with my girlfriend for just over a year, my longest relationship, and I'm almost 30. I love her, but do not feel intellectually challenged or very excited to hang out with her sometimes. Also, the sex is good, but physically I'm not that attracted to her. Those are the main downsides. We argue, but never really fight, have similar interests and goals, and she loves me very much. We're planning on moving in in the fall. My main concern is, I don't know if I should be more in love with her and into her. I appreciate her and how much she cares about me, and would say I live her but not as strongly as I've loved in far less healthy relationships. Is it just me being ungrateful and should I just try harder to appreciate her or am I fundamentally not into her enough to keep moving things along?
Buddhist Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 would say I love her but not as strongly as I've loved in far less healthy relationships. Is it just me being ungrateful and should I just try harder to appreciate her or am I fundamentally not into her enough to keep moving things along? The fact that you equate love with a hormonal rush or feeling of addiction to another person (unhealthy relationships are an addiction) says pretty much that you've got a strange idea of love. Love does feel stable, secure and yes even a bit boring. It's not really a problem that you don't love her enough, you probably love her more than all the others. What you are saying you're missing here is the excitement. That's another thing completely. Your decision is this....do you go chase the excitement by dating crazy again knowing it will be a temporary thing or do you stick with boring love and enjoy stability? Your choice.
frus69 Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 The fact that you equate love with a hormonal rush or feeling of addiction to another person (unhealthy relationships are an addiction) says pretty much that you've got a strange idea of love. Love does feel stable, secure and yes even a bit boring. It's not really a problem that you don't love her enough, you probably love her more than all the others. What you are saying you're missing here is the excitement. That's another thing completely. Your decision is this....do you go chase the excitement by dating crazy again knowing it will be a temporary thing or do you stick with boring love and enjoy stability? Your choice. I don't think excitement(or hormonal rush) and stability have to be mutually exclusive. My love is always both exciting and stable. It has to be both or I won't be content. And by exciting I don't mean it's crazy or unhealthy or addiction whatever. And I think it's a little unfair to say OP can't differentiate addiction and real passion, just because he used to be in unhealthy relationships. I know if Im "in love with "someone or I just find it "secure and stable " however lack passion with someone. I think OP, you know it too.
Heracles Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 You like/appreciate her and let her love you. Only question do you see the two of you raising kids together? If so, I guess you can proceed.
Author Yutthezut Posted June 4, 2016 Author Posted June 4, 2016 I don't think excitement(or hormonal rush) and stability have to be mutually exclusive. My love is always both exciting and stable. It has to be both or I won't be content. And by exciting I don't mean it's crazy or unhealthy or addiction whatever. And I think it's a little unfair to say OP can't differentiate addiction and real passion, just because he used to be in unhealthy relationships. I know if Im "in love with "someone or I just find it "secure and stable " however lack passion with someone. I think OP, you know it too. I do think I can differentiate between passion and emotional addiction. The real problem I have is in deciding how to weigh the positives (her deep love for me, she's a kind person, good sex, hard working, very talented, and down to earth, smart) against the negatives (harping that I find grating, a little bit of a princess, we don't have great conversations, and I'm not that physically attracted to her, about 6.5 or 7 out of ten.) The positives are strong but some of them are purely utilitarian. The negatives are superficial but could wear away the foundation of our relationship over time. Again this is my first long relationship. Thanks for your help.
Author Yutthezut Posted June 4, 2016 Author Posted June 4, 2016 You like/appreciate her and let her love you. Only question do you see the two of you raising kids together? If so, I guess you can proceed. I could see us raising kids together but post of me wonders if I wouldn't be a better version of myself with a less domineering woman.
Zapbasket Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 I've been with my girlfriend for just over a year, my longest relationship, and I'm almost 30. I love her, but do not feel intellectually challenged or very excited to hang out with her sometimes. Also, the sex is good, but physically I'm not that attracted to her. Those are the main downsides. We argue, but never really fight, have similar interests and goals, and she loves me very much. We're planning on moving in in the fall. My main concern is, I don't know if I should be more in love with her and into her. I appreciate her and how much she cares about me, and would say I live her but not as strongly as I've loved in far less healthy relationships. Is it just me being ungrateful and should I just try harder to appreciate her or am I fundamentally not into her enough to keep moving things along? The things I bolded stand out as potentially problematic for a long-term relationship. What do you mean, exactly, when you say you don't feel "intellectually challenged" by her? Does she have a dearth of interests; is she less robust intelligence-wise than you are? Can you pinpoint why, exactly, you don't feel "excited to hang out with her"? And, what specifically do you mean that you are not attracted to her? Is she objectively attractive; are you looking for something sexually from her that you're not getting? 1
Leigh 87 Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 The fact that you equate love with a hormonal rush or feeling of addiction to another person (unhealthy relationships are an addiction) says pretty much that you've got a strange idea of love. Love does feel stable, secure and yes even a bit boring. It's not really a problem that you don't love her enough, you probably love her more than all the others. What you are saying you're missing here is the excitement. That's another thing completely. Your decision is this....do you go chase the excitement by dating crazy again knowing it will be a temporary thing or do you stick with boring love and enjoy stability? Your choice. How about the men in long term relationships who are head over heels and super attracted to their partners? Some men have great, lusty chemistry with long term partners. My bf and I have the excitement of chemistry and are also at the comfortable stage where our main joy is to laze about and watch tv all day without showering. ... TMI soz
Emilia Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 I think it's hard to find everything in one person. I know a lot of people find intellectual stimulation in a career or amongst friends. I suppose I'm a little stumped by the 'good sex' vs 'don't find her that attractive' comments. Can you have good sex with someone you aren't that into physically? On a regular basis, I mean. I agree that it could be a problem long term. 1
katiegrl Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 I've been with my girlfriend for just over a year, my longest relationship, and I'm almost 30. I love her, but do not feel intellectually challenged or very excited to hang out with her sometimes. Also, the sex is good, but physically I'm not that attracted to her. Those are the main downsides. We argue, but never really fight, have similar interests and goals, and she loves me very much. We're planning on moving in in the fall. My main concern is, I don't know if I should be more in love with her and into her. I appreciate her and how much she cares about me, and would say I live her but not as strongly as I've loved in far less healthy relationships. Is it just me being ungrateful and should I just try harder to appreciate her or am I fundamentally not into her enough to keep moving things along? Did you ever feel excited and passionate about her? When you first met, did you feel that *rush* that spark, chemistry? If not, I would say end it...... this sounds more like it's simply comfortable for you, but you feel meh, take it or leave it. And are simply going through the motions. SHE deserves better and frankly so do you. No need to settle at such a young age.
Buddhist Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 The real problem I have is in deciding how to weigh the positives (her deep love for me, she's a kind person, good sex, hard working, very talented, and down to earth, smart) Those are some good positives, the kind that are long lasting. against the negatives (harping that I find grating, a little bit of a princess, we don't have great conversations, and I'm not that physically attracted to her, about 6.5 or 7 out of ten.) While it's entirely possible you'll meet and find a girl who's your 8-10 in attractiveness, there's no guarantee that she will come with the aforementioned positives too. But that's the risk you take. The positives are strong but some of them are purely utilitarian. The negatives are superficial but could wear away the foundation of our relationship over time. Again this is my first long relationship. Every relationship with have those negatives, not the exact same ones but there's no such thing as a person who does not have superficial negatives that couldn't wear away at a relationship over time. That's the nature of relationships. If this is your first long term relationship then it's highly likely you'll cash in your chips on this one and go chasing a better one. Nothing wrong with that, feel free to do so. Maybe you'll find it and maybe you won't, no-one can tell you that. If you're prepared to take the risk do so. It's that simple. 1
Buddhist Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 My bf and I have the excitement of chemistry and are also at the comfortable stage where our main joy is to laze about and watch tv all day without showering. ... TMI soz Isn't this the same boyfriend that you're doing to dump after you finish uni and go and seek something better? I recall reading that somewhere. Of course for people in their 20's its all about how much 'spark' they feel. I don't care what anyone says but that spark, isn't love. I've come to realise it through long experience. Love is when you genuinely care about the wellbeing of the other person. Not how 'hot' for them you feel. Anyone can argue with me until the cows come home, but that's my view on the matter. Every long term relationship settles into that softer and more authentic form of love over time. The body isn't made to manufacture excitement chemicals forever, it's a temporary phase to bring the mating dance on. That is well established. That doesn't mean longterm partners don't feel attraction to each other after long periods of time or they aren't passionate about their relationship, in terms of wanting to make it work. But it's not butterflies, roses and candy forever. In terms of the OP. I felt exactly the same in my 20's, wanted someone I felt that 'spark' for forever. You can only achieve that if you continually cash in your longterm partner for a new one periodically. That in itself isn't a problem, it's just a lifestyle choice. Maybe the OP should really be asking himself whether his quandary is more a lifestyle choice than a partner choice. It sounds like it may be. No-one's going to blame him for being 20 something and not wanting to enter a lifetime partnership. 2
lana-banana Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 I used to date a great guy. He was smart enough, kind, thoughtful, wealthy, successful, and dedicated. He was absolutely Mr. Right on paper; he just wasn't right for me. I knew in my heart if I married him I wouldn't cry at my wedding. A future with him would mean 2.5 kids, a big house, lots of fancy parties, and a midlife crisis right around age 42 when I'd snap and have a torrid affair with the mailman. Don't ask how I knew these things---I just did. You sound like you're trying your damndest to convince yourself to stay in this relationship. All I'll say is when you truly love someone you don't have to think like this. You don't have to convince yourself of anything at all. 3
Zapbasket Posted June 5, 2016 Posted June 5, 2016 I used to date a great guy. He was smart enough, kind, thoughtful, wealthy, successful, and dedicated. He was absolutely Mr. Right on paper; he just wasn't right for me. I knew in my heart if I married him I wouldn't cry at my wedding. A future with him would mean 2.5 kids, a big house, lots of fancy parties, and a midlife crisis right around age 42 when I'd snap and have a torrid affair with the mailman. Don't ask how I knew these things---I just did. You sound like you're trying your damndest to convince yourself to stay in this relationship. All I'll say is when you truly love someone you don't have to think like this. You don't have to convince yourself of anything at all. Hey Lala-B... Some questions, with the thought this perhaps this could help the OP: What tipped you off that Mr. Excellent-on-Paper was the wrong choice for the long term? Lack of spark, constant doubts, ____?
lana-banana Posted June 5, 2016 Posted June 5, 2016 Hey Lala-B... Some questions, with the thought this perhaps this could help the OP: What tipped you off that Mr. Excellent-on-Paper was the wrong choice for the long term? Lack of spark, constant doubts, ____? There was a lack of spark and constant doubts due to said lack of spark. He made me laugh maybe once in the entire time we dated, which was a much bigger red flag than I was willing to admit at the time. He just felt...good, nice, safe. Okay. Perfectly okay. He was incredibly smitten with me but it was never mutual, no matter how much I wished otherwise. And I really did wish it! There was also a moment when we were eating dinner with his parents, who by all accounts and appearances seemed to have a very healthy, happy relationship. They were joking about our married future together at one point and I felt a stab of dread. I looked over at him and thought is this it? Oh God, what if this is it? My current boyfriend is shorter, has less hair, and sometimes drives me up the wall. The spark I felt with him in the beginning has lasted the entire time we've been together, even during some fairly serious fights. I still get excited when I see him come into a room. He motivates me to be the best version of myself every day, which was something I never once felt with my last boyfriend. 1
Zapbasket Posted June 5, 2016 Posted June 5, 2016 There was a lack of spark and constant doubts due to said lack of spark. He made me laugh maybe once in the entire time we dated, which was a much bigger red flag than I was willing to admit at the time. He just felt...good, nice, safe. Okay. Perfectly okay. He was incredibly smitten with me but it was never mutual, no matter how much I wished otherwise. And I really did wish it! There was also a moment when we were eating dinner with his parents, who by all accounts and appearances seemed to have a very healthy, happy relationship. They were joking about our married future together at one point and I felt a stab of dread. I looked over at him and thought is this it? Oh God, what if this is it? My current boyfriend is shorter, has less hair, and sometimes drives me up the wall. The spark I felt with him in the beginning has lasted the entire time we've been together, even during some fairly serious fights. I still get excited when I see him come into a room. He motivates me to be the best version of myself every day, which was something I never once felt with my last boyfriend. So how did you KNOW it wasn't just the "boring-ness" settling into the middle stages of a stable relationship, but something much deeper? Do you feel like maybe you fight with the current bf because of some core incompatibilities? I ask because sometimes people use the "we never fight" reason as why to stay together. Personally I'd find that un-challenging; I guess you just have to be mindful of HOW you fight and what about to determine whether the fighting is part of the health of the relationship and not a detraction from it. Do you agree?
Leigh 87 Posted June 5, 2016 Posted June 5, 2016 There was a lack of spark and constant doubts due to said lack of spark. He made me laugh maybe once in the entire time we dated, which was a much bigger red flag than I was willing to admit at the time. He just felt...good, nice, safe. Okay. Perfectly okay. He was incredibly smitten with me but it was never mutual, no matter how much I wished otherwise. And I really did wish it! There was also a moment when we were eating dinner with his parents, who by all accounts and appearances seemed to have a very healthy, happy relationship. They were joking about our married future together at one point and I felt a stab of dread. I looked over at him and thought is this it? Oh God, what if this is it? My current boyfriend is shorter, has less hair, and sometimes drives me up the wall. The spark I felt with him in the beginning has lasted the entire time we've been together, even during some fairly serious fights. I still get excited when I see him come into a room. He motivates me to be the best version of myself every day, which was something I never once felt with my last boyfriend. That's exactly how I feel. My bf is also shorter and is bald. A lot less money than prior partners. We have had serious fights. The spark has always remained though since moment one of having first met. Where as I never felt this level of spark with the other men who were better on paper and date I say, drove me less crazy and had less fights with. I am super cynical. About love and relationships. I absolutely didn't believe I would get the personal compatability and someone who made me laugh a lot, in addition to the spark and fireworks. I urge the OP to NEVER settle for a woman where he has to ask himself where he is " into her enough ". My bf and I have had serious rights. I'm an unemployed student stressed out of her mind in a med degree. He is on a lowish income for difficult and skilled work. Our lives have had a LOT more challenges than that of of my mates who have two incomes and cushy, air conditioned jobs and expensive things ( when we sleep on the floor and can't afford to live comfortably). We had suchhardships we faced and awful fights earlier on in the relationship. ... yet we never for one second had to even questio how " into" each other we were. We always knew ot was enough. Under ideal circumstances with my ex dating partners. .. the well off men who we were smitten with me and wined and dined me. Offered to let me move into their flashy inner cuty apartments. With a propper bed. I would always have to ask myself whether or not I felt enough of a spark. When you click well with someone and feel the adequate level of romantic sparks, little personal differences and even hardships of a one income household, are always problems " outside " the relationship; they are never things that make you doubt your attraction or love. On the other hand, even the smallest things would irritate me about my prior dating partners who were well off and provided me with an easy life through my med degree.
Leigh 87 Posted June 5, 2016 Posted June 5, 2016 Isn't this the same boyfriend that you're doing to dump after you finish uni and go and seek something better? I recall reading that somewhere. Of course for people in their 20's its all about how much 'spark' they feel. I don't care what anyone says but that spark, isn't love. I've come to realise it through long experience. Love is when you genuinely care about the wellbeing of the other person. Not how 'hot' for them you feel. Anyone can argue with me until the cows come home, but that's my view on the matter. Every long term relationship settles into that softer and more authentic form of love over time. The body isn't made to manufacture excitement chemicals forever, it's a temporary phase to bring the mating dance on. That is well established. That doesn't mean longterm partners don't feel attraction to each other after long periods of time or they aren't passionate about their relationship, in terms of wanting to make it work. But it's not butterflies, roses and candy forever. In terms of the OP. I felt exactly the same in my 20's, wanted someone I felt that 'spark' for forever. You can only achieve that if you continually cash in your longterm partner for a new one periodically. That in itself isn't a problem, it's just a lifestyle choice. Maybe the OP should really be asking himself whether his quandary is more a lifestyle choice than a partner choice. It sounds like it may be. No-one's going to blame him for being 20 something and not wanting to enter a lifetime partnership. The spark isn't love. I know first hand. I have been through false "being on loves ". With a few men who I equated sparks, to real love, with. I am 30 with loads of dating experience. ... I know this all too well. The main part of our relationship? We adore each other and hang out watching movies, eating and hanging out laughing. Our fave activity is grocery shopping together as we always have such great laughs. The " spark " or our very healthy sex life isn't why I believe we are soul mates or possibly twin flames haha. But I also don't believe in relationships that skip out in the spark to begin with. I was after a soul level connection. When we met, we knew that something was there between us from moment one. Basically, I am a believer in a spark and a feeling of being really into someone without ever having to question that one variable, IN ADDITION with true love that those butterflies evolve into if you're lucky. ........ I am also a relationship cynic. I know it's head to meet someone and instantly have fireworks and feel as though you're " meant to be" and also fall genuinely in love with such an intense start to a relationship! We all know that most people didn't fall head over heels for their life partners and had to pick either great chemistry with someone rather unsuitable, or safety and stability and a best friend, albeit without the sky illuminating fireworks. I also have manor damage from my ex. Who's friends and family constantly made me feel as though I wasn't attractive enough a guy wbo worshipped me. So that is where my doubts are from regarding my own relationship. I have a hard time believing a guy can stay smitten with me. And you know, it isn't sustainable to STAY head over heels every moment of every day! But like Lanabanana stated- the spark still SHOULD be there even if you're not smitten 24/7 and they drive you up the wall.......The OP is questioning whether or not he is into her enough. The fact he's questioning it is a bad sign. I don't believe he sounded like he was ever smitten with her to begin with. Regarding the not being attracted to her..... ummmm my bf snd I know we are not 9/10s in other people's eyes. But to each other we WERE truly 10/10. True Chemistry. ...is when a man doesn't consciously think to himself that he is only 7/10 attracted to his partner
lana-banana Posted June 5, 2016 Posted June 5, 2016 OP, I apologize if this is derailing your thread, but GreenCove always brings thoughtful and insightful contributions. I hope this can be of use to you more generally. So how did you KNOW it wasn't just the "boring-ness" settling into the middle stages of a stable relationship, but something much deeper? I knew it from the very beginning. By our third date I felt strongly this wasn't the guy for me and I'd be unhappy if we stayed together. Rather than ignore the feeling I tried to rationalize it away. I once felt just as strongly that I was going to live happily ever after with a certain someone, and that someone utterly destroyed me, ergo feelings are stupid and all relationship decisions should be based upon logic alone QED et cetera. Some degree of boredom, restlessness, and annoyance is inevitable in long-term relationships. There are periods when you're closer and periods when you're slightly apart. But if you love someone you can ride out those periods. It's much harder if you never felt that love in the first place. Do you feel like maybe you fight with the current bf because of some core incompatibilities? "Incompatibilities" isn't the word I'd use*, but I agree with the general sentiment. "Differences", maybe? We are very different people at fundamental levels, and at times those differences cause us to clash. But we're able to reconcile just about all those differences with honest communication. We also understand when one partner's strengths make them better suited for handling a particular problem. I ask because sometimes people use the "we never fight" reason as why to stay together. Personally I'd find that un-challenging; I guess you just have to be mindful of HOW you fight and what about to determine whether the fighting is part of the health of the relationship and not a detraction from it. Do you agree? Absolutely. But I also think it's important to distinguish between levels of conflict. We have a fair amount of squabbles, some serious discussions that occasionally get heated but only two real serious, capital-F Fights. I think squabbling and talking are both healthy and normal to an extent. That's how you express your differences. One of the benefits of our relationship is we were colleagues for more than a year before we started dating. We worked together on an extremely important project that required a lot of long hours, frustrating discussions and stressful deadlines. So before we even went out on our first date we knew how to disagree respectfully and put our differences aside to solve problems. That's been an enormous bonus. * - I'm reminded of a quote from the incomparable Ogden Nash: "So I hope husbands and wives will continue to debate and combat over everything debatable and combatable, Because I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, particulary if he has income and she is pattable."
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