karen4221 Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 I was dating someone new and everything was going very well between us. It was a new relationship, but it just seemed so easy to talk to each other, and we were both really happy and excited. I haven't had an easy past, with some loss in it, and I was treading carefully into falling in love again and this guy made me feel so secure and cool about things it was just an easy effort. Then his mother passed away suddenly and his sister shortly after within a few days. It was a complete tragedy and I asked him right away what he needed or wanted from me, I explained we could put things aside and he could have space but he said he didn’t want that, that I was not a burden on him and that he knew how he felt about me and wanted to be with me. He knew my past was crappy, so he made every effort to ask me if I was okay all the time. Reassuring me that he still felt the same. I was totally there for him in every possible way I could be, and we became closer over the weeks following the deaths but we were physically apart because he had to travel home for the funerals and arrangements for many weeks. He was sad but was so loving, sensitive and kind to me despite that and everything between us was really great and I think we fell in love. Talking constantly, and sharing so much. He did not show very much grief to me, but perhaps only a few poignant words and discussions of his memories, and what he wanted for the future and we decided we were pretty sure we had found the person we wanted to grow old with. Watching how he dealt with his pain with so much love and dignity really cemented for me that this was the guy for me. Then he said he had dealt with the funerals and all the admin and he wanted to go away for 5 days to grieve in private. When he came back, he was cold and distant towards me, called less, did not want to see me at all even though we had not seen each other for weeks already. I could see the grief had hit him full frontal and that he needed my patience and support so I gave him that and I reassured him I was not going anywhere and that I would be there when he was ready. He kept telling me I was a beautiful person inside and outside and that he was a very lucky guy. Over the next few weeks, he did not see me or speak to me. He kept apologising for not being there but he was in a strange place and I never raised it. Many weeks passed, and soon a month had gone by and he had not once called me. I got text messages every few days from him, that were always very loving. Letting me know he thought I was the most perfect girl in the world, that I had his heart, that he would come back to me. His friends told me he never stopped talking about me and telling them I was the girl he was going to marry. This all reassured me that despite his absence he still felt for me. We got to two months, and had still not spoken aside from text messages and had gone three months not seeing each other. He was no longer telling me anything about his life, or asking much about mine. Only the odd message to say he missed me or something, or how beautiful I was. I was very sad, missed him so much, but had no idea what to do. Finally, I felt we had drifted so far apart that perhaps he no longer wanted me and was not coming back. I cried and felt lost but texted gently to let him know I felt perhaps all the distance meant we had lost each other and it was a silent plea for him to release me so I could stop spending every day feeling sad, wishing I could help and being ignored. After he saw my message, he waited 24 hours to reply, then he telephoned me. He said he saw my message and realised it meant I was saying goodbye and he did not at all want that. He told me he was so sorry he hurt me, that he never meant to, that he did want to be with me, and have me as a permanent part of his life. He said he wanted to see me, thought about me every single day even when he did not speak to me, but that he had just shut down and shut himself away and on some level he said he felt if he came any closer to me, that I would also leave him – like his Mother and Sister did and he could not lose anyone else he loved so much. I told him that I loved him, really wanted to be with him, but could not stand being shut out this way anymore and he had to either turn towards me, or let me go to save me more pain because it was messing me up inside. I told him it was okay if he was sad, angry, needing space but that I needed communication because it was torture for him to be silent. He said he wanted to turn towards me and he was going to turn it around and get some grief counselling and he said he wanted to see me as soon as he could. We were both very emotional. I was charged to the point of explosion after feeling so lost and rejected and ignored for day after day for so long, and him with his grief and we ended up later that day getting into a silly argument (or first ever) over nothing and I exploded and told him he was inconsiderate of my feelings and selfish and I was tired of him constantly hurting me by being so unfeeling. Then he sent me a text message to tell me he knew he had hurt me, that he would continue to hurt me because he was not good enough for me, so he was very sad but was letting me go for my own good. He told me he loved me and he was sorry he could not be the man I deserved. He said I always had a true friend in him and if I wanted to keep talking he was always there and I had his number and maybe fate and time would bring us back to each other one day. I messaged him back to say I was devastated, loved him, but accepted his choice and was sorry we never got a real chance because I felt we had something so special. I figured he did not like me enough to want to be with me, but I still thought he was the greatest person I ever met, so I cried and cried. Since then, I messaged him three times. Once to apologise for getting angry, explaining I had been so emotional that day and was so scared of him coming close to me and then leaving me and that I never mean to be angry with him. Twice to ask how he was, and to say I was always thinking of him. He completely ignored me on all three messages. Acts like he is mad at me by giving me the silent treatment, and he knows me well enough to know this behaviour would wound me very deeply. I was hoping for a reply on the lines of “I hope you are okay too” or something polite to wish me the best. Yet he is acting like I am dead to him completely and ignores me. I feel SOOOO hurt by this behavior after I waited months for him and supported him the way I did and felt so much love for him. I feel like he never cared about me at all and it is eating me up inside why he would put me through this. I can’t stop crying.
smackie9 Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 I'm so sorry you are going through this....IMO you should have not given him space....he really needed you to step in and just take over and guide him through this. I grieved the loss of my father and two uncles that passes away in a short time within one another, and I will tell you this, I felt too helpless to ask for help and support, I wished I didn't have to ask. I just wanted someone to put their arm around me and say "I will take care of everything...you can cry on my shoulder, we will do this together." Instead people kept their distance thinking they were imposing. I don't think anyone should grieve alone ever. You need to be his strength, his rock, through thick and thin. You need to be more assertive with him or you will lose him forever.
katiegrl Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 (edited) I'm so sorry you are going through this....IMO you should have not given him space....he really needed you to step in and just take over and guide him through this. I grieved the loss of my father and two uncles that passes away in a short time within one another, and I will tell you this, I felt too helpless to ask for help and support, I wished I didn't have to ask. I just wanted someone to put their arm around me and say "I will take care of everything...you can cry on my shoulder, we will do this together." Instead people kept their distance thinking they were imposing. I don't think anyone should grieve alone ever. You need to be his strength, his rock, through thick and thin. You need to be more assertive with him or you will lose him forever. smackie, with respect did you miss this? I was totally there for him in every possible way I could be, and we became closer over the weeks following the deaths but we were physically apart because he had to travel home for the funerals and arrangements for many weeks. She WAS there for him emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Physically he away planning and attending the funerals... so being physically together was not possible. OP you did nothing wrong, please do not blame yourself. I dunno call me cynical but my spidey sense is telling me something else was going on besides him grieving the deaths of his mom and sister. Whether it was another woman or something else is impossible to know, but what I find strange is that after everything was all said and done (the funerals over, etc) and he told you he needed five days alone to grieve, during which you didn't hear from him at all.... he started fading out immediately after that. Kinda makes ya wonder what he was really doing those five days.... The whole thing just sounds off, and now he is completely gone, has shut you out behaving like he is angry at you? Makes no sense. Not sure how long you were dating before this all happened, but it doesn't sound like it was very long and the bulk of your "relationship" was spent texting or on the phone while he was away. In any event, I am so sorry but whatever was (or is) going on with him, is not your concern..... Since he is ignoring you and not speaking to you anyway right now, I don't see as you have much choice but to move on. Edited June 4, 2016 by katiegrl
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