Deidre Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 Without going into too much detail, my fiance and I decided to part ways. We're still friendly, he's been texting me all week, this occurred earlier in the week. No infidelity, just some larger issues we didn't see eye to eye on, and more than that...we were on the same page, and he did an about face. I don't want to live with a guy before I'm married, and he started over the past few weeks, asking if we could buy a house together. We weren't due to get married for another 6 months. I said I didn't feel it was a good idea, plus, I just don't want to live with someone before marriage. I'm not a prude by any means, but this is a principle I've always wanted to adhere to. He seemed to agree with this, not to please me, but he seemed to want the same thing in the beginning. Think he started looking at our friends who live together and aren't married, and became envious. Then, he showed a different side of himself to me, when he realized I wasn't going to give in. So, it's over. And strangely, I'm somewhat sad, but really hopeful for my future. I actually want to get married! That is not something I ever saw for myself, but planning a wedding changed a lot for me. But, I won't settle. I'm happy to be single for now, and we'll see what the future holds. Just wanted to share with you guys.
ajp1999 Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 This was one of the major conflicts my bf and I had. He would not marry me until we moved in. I did not agree and we recently broke up over this and one other big issue. U seem to be taking it well. I'm still very heart broken 1
sooshi Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 I'm glad you stuck to your values, Deidre. You have a good attitude about could be easily seen as a saddening situation. I'm glad you're looking at the positives--that can be hard to do. Keep up the hopeful spirit. 3
lalalandman Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 How exactly is this a value? I mean, you're eventually going to be living together anyways. What, 6 months? *facepalm 3
Author Deidre Posted June 4, 2016 Author Posted June 4, 2016 This was one of the major conflicts my bf and I had. He would not marry me until we moved in. I did not agree and we recently broke up over this and one other big issue. U seem to be taking it well. I'm still very heart broken I'm sorry you're heartbroken, I am too in some ways. But, I think what I'm sad over the most, is what I thought might have been. Like a future with him, that seemed possible. But, it wasn't just the moving in difference of opinion that was the case, it was how he treated me when I said I didn't want that. But, he knew I didn't want that, and he was in total agreement when we were first engaged. I thought...what else might he change his mind on, after we marry? Marriage is a big thing, I don't take it lightly. Thanks for your post, here. ((hug))
Author Deidre Posted June 4, 2016 Author Posted June 4, 2016 How exactly is this a value? I mean, you're eventually going to be living together anyways. What, 6 months? *facepalm He and I were both in agreement. It wasn't something I only wanted, he wanted it very much too, so what changed? He follows the world, and I don't want to follow the world, anymore. I used to, but it's also related to my faith, and so if you don't get that, oh well.
lalalandman Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 Ahhh, faith. Enough said. Well you seem so excited for your future and prospect of marriage, considering you just ended both with someone.
Marc878 Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 When in doubt. STOP!!!!! Many wouldn't. Good for you. Good luck to you in the future. 2
Author Deidre Posted June 4, 2016 Author Posted June 4, 2016 When in doubt, stop. I agree. In truth, I thought I was ready, maybe that too came to light when this conflict came about. Not very good with conflicts, to be honest...need to work on that. But, nonetheless, there were a few other issues that came to light, not major, but piled on with the major issue, I think it's for the best. The hardest part of this break up is that so many people were involved with planning the wedding, I feel like I let them down.
ManyDissapoint Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 Why not live together first? Take it for a test drive, as it were. I never understood that. Genuinely curious.
elaine567 Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 Trouble with living together before marriage is that it can just become living together and living together and living together and no marriage ever appears on the horizon, "We are good the way we are aren't we?" It is a trap many women fall into and it is one the OP has decided to avoid, which is her prerogative. Why bother jumping the gun and living together, when they are getting married in 6 months anyway? 2
TheFox Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 Why not live together first? Take it for a test drive, as it were. I never understood that. Genuinely curious. I'm going to have to agree with you here. Living together can really make or break things in my opinion. There are all sorts of things you discover about each other when you move in together. You may just find you love them more or that in actual fact - that you can't stand to be with them for longer than a few days. I'd say it's better to find that out before you are married. 1
kidm Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 I've heard saving yourself for marriage (which sometimes includes not living together) but not wanting to live together before marriage just because is a first for me. If the engagement ended 6 months before walking down the aisle because you argued about living together before the wedding, sounds like there may have been bigger issues and the relationship was already doomed to fail. The breakup seems like a disproportionate response to the "living together problem." 6 months is negligible in the grand scheme of things. You two were soon going to make a decision to spend the rest of your lives together and I assume that would have involved living together under one roof. Weird outcome.
elaine567 Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 I've heard saving yourself for marriage (which sometimes includes not living together) but not wanting to live together before marriage just because is a first for me. If the engagement ended 6 months before walking down the aisle because you argued about living together before the wedding, sounds like there may have been bigger issues and the relationship was already doomed to fail. The breakup seems like a disproportionate response to the "living together problem." 6 months is negligible in the grand scheme of things. You two were soon going to make a decision to spend the rest of your lives together and I assume that would have involved living together under one roof. Weird outcome. OK, so why did he do an about turn and make it all about living together, when the initial deal was to get married? Why move the goal posts? 1
Author Deidre Posted June 4, 2016 Author Posted June 4, 2016 Why not live together first? Take it for a test drive, as it were. I never understood that. Genuinely curious. Because people aren't cars. I hear you, but at the same time, marriage requires a leap of faith, and again, he was in total agreement, and honestly it wasn't my idea solely...he too didn't want to live together before marriage. It's almost like our friends (we share many mutual friends) were suggesting to him pretty heavily to get me to move in with him before the wedding. He seemed to give in to that pressure, and I want someone who is his own person. It goes beyond the moving in thing, and becomes a character test, and he's an awesome person, but I don't want to marry someone who follows the world, and not his own mind and heart. That's essentially what the whole thing revealed to me about him and the thought of bringing kids into a relationship with someone who changes his mind on a whim like he did, just didn't seem appealing anymore. 1
Author Deidre Posted June 4, 2016 Author Posted June 4, 2016 I've heard saving yourself for marriage (which sometimes includes not living together) but not wanting to live together before marriage just because is a first for me. If the engagement ended 6 months before walking down the aisle because you argued about living together before the wedding, sounds like there may have been bigger issues and the relationship was already doomed to fail. The breakup seems like a disproportionate response to the "living together problem." 6 months is negligible in the grand scheme of things. You two were soon going to make a decision to spend the rest of your lives together and I assume that would have involved living together under one roof. Weird outcome. We were having sex together, so it wasn't that we were saving ourselves in sexual way. In all honesty, I have an issue with handling conflict, and when he asked me to move in, and we discussed that this was something we agreed not to do, he became different. Angry, cold, etc. Sides I hadn't yet seen, tbh. That said, I don't handle conflict well, and tend to cut and run in past relationships when the going got tough. It could mean I'm not ready to get married, and in part, when he asked me to move in, flashes of losing my privacy and freedom flashed before my mind, and that was something I couldn't just ignore. Marriage takes away some privacy, but not all, but to live with someone every day, and lose what I have now, maybe I'm not quite ready? So, the whole thing opened up other issues I hadn't thought about because we were both swept up in wedding plans, honeymoon plans,etc... Thanks for your comments, guys!
Author Deidre Posted June 4, 2016 Author Posted June 4, 2016 OK, so why did he do an about turn and make it all about living together, when the initial deal was to get married? Why move the goal posts? Maybe he didn't want to get married, I've thought of this, and he knew that this issue would cause me not to change my mind, so he pushed it? You know, you analyze things in your mind, etc. But, he's been texting me all week, and he misses me, and he said...''We don't have to end this, we can just keep going and work through this.'' But, when it's over for me, it's over. I had a relationship once that never seemed to end...going back, breaking up, going back, breaking up...only to end in so much stress and drama. I will never go back with someone I've broken up with, again...think when you're done, you should be done. But, don't say you're done, if you're not done. lol
Arieswoman Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 Congratulations Deidre for sticking to your guns. I hope that in time you'll find someone who's on the same page as you are. Good luck. x 2
Author Deidre Posted June 5, 2016 Author Posted June 5, 2016 Congratulations Deidre for sticking to your guns. I hope that in time you'll find someone who's on the same page as you are. Good luck. x Thank you!! 1
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