Boyfriend of 5 years broke up because he wasn't happy

[totallylost1]

He broke up with me about a week ago because he said thought he wasn't happy anymore and didn't want to hurt me while trying to figure it out. We spent 5 years together (all of college + 1 year post grad) and we were each other's first everything. We often talked about our future... where we'd live, how many kids we'd have, etc. Every so often, we would go through rough patches of fighting over stupid little things, but we always got through it and said it would make us stronger. Now, he says that we shouldn't have those rough patches and things weren't supposed to be that hard. There are definitely some changes/compromises that needed to be made that weren't, looking back.

 

We talked a bit every day this week because he said he wasn't sure in his decision and wanted to be honest about what he was thinking, which was that he kept changing his mind. Yesterday we met so I could give him his things, and he said he thinks that it was the right decision. We spoke on the phone again last night talking about how neither one of us regretted any part of the past 5 years and tried to come to peace with it. We also texted this morning and he told me that he does think this is the right thing, but if we're meant to be together in the future, we will be, and if we're not, we're not.

 

Obviously we both care a lot about each other. No matter when I texted or called this week, we ended up having long conversations (2 hours in person last night, an hour on the phone, an hour texting). I know if one of us ever needed the other, there wouldn't be any hesitation there.

 

I know that now we need to do no contact since he said his decision is right. Everything I read on here said that if I keep trying to contact and convince him or talk to him about changing his mind, he's just going to dig his heels into his decision even more. If I give him space to think and heal, maybe he'll either change his mind or the negative feelings will fade and he'll think of the positive ones.

 

Part of me is wondering if maybe we just need time apart to be individuals because our most transitional years were done as a couple and we never got to really grow/mature individually. Maybe we just need time apart and then we'll end up back together. I can't hold my breath waiting, but I'm just drawn back to that possibility. Is that even a realistic option to think about? Or am I just holding on to the past too much?

Edited June 3, 2016 by totallylost1

[justagrl07]

He broke up with me about a week ago because he said thought he wasn't happy anymore and didn't want to hurt me while trying to figure it out. We spent 5 years together (all of college + 1 year post grad) and we were each other's first everything. We often talked about our future... where we'd live, how many kids we'd have, etc. Every so often, we would go through rough patches of fighting over stupid little things, but we always got through it and said it would make us stronger. Now, he says that we shouldn't have those rough patches and things weren't supposed to be that hard. There are definitely some changes/compromises that needed to be made that weren't, looking back.

 

We talked a bit every day this week because he said he wasn't sure in his decision and wanted to be honest about what he was thinking, which was that he kept changing his mind. Yesterday we met so I could give him his things, and he said he thinks that it was the right decision. We spoke on the phone again last night talking about how neither one of us regretted any part of the past 5 years and tried to come to peace with it. We also texted this morning and he told me that he does think this is the right thing, but if we're meant to be together in the future, we will be, and if we're not, we're not.

 

Obviously we both care a lot about each other. No matter when I texted or called this week, we ended up having long conversations (2 hours in person last night, an hour on the phone, an hour texting). I know if one of us ever needed the other, there wouldn't be any hesitation there.

 

I know that now we need to do no contact since he said his decision is right. Everything I read on here said that if I keep trying to contact and convince him or talk to him about changing his mind, he's just going to dig his heels into his decision even more. If I give him space to think and heal, maybe he'll either change his mind or the negative feelings will fade and he'll think of the positive ones.

 

Part of me is wondering if maybe we just need time apart to be individuals because our most transitional years were done as a couple and we never got to really grow/mature individually. Maybe we just need time apart and then we'll end up back together. I can't hold my breath waiting, but I'm just drawn back to that possibility. Is that even a realistic option to think about? Or am I just holding on to the past too much?

 

 

Hello! From reading your post I can almost guarantee you he just needs time for himself. If he is unhappy, that unhappiness is most likely coming from within, it probably has nothing to do with you. Just give him some time and space to figure things out. Sometimes when we are in a relationship with someone for so long, during especially during our 20s, we feel like is this it? Is this the one I am suppose to be with? It's very hard, but it does happen. It happened to me. I was in your situation and all it took was some space and time. We lost ourselves as individuals and we needed to find happiness from within. It is very normal.

[ExpatInItaly]

What were these fights and rough patches about? You mentioned that some changes should have been made but weren't - can you elaborate on what those were?

 

Providing these details might help us to better understand this mindset and whether or not there is a possibility of reconciliation.

 

The truth is that many couples who were each others' firsts don't last forever. It's natural that people want to branch out and explore, especially if the people in question are young. That's not to say they won't find each other again someday but it's important to give yourselves time to grow as individuals too.

[totallylost1]

What were these fights and rough patches about? You mentioned that some changes should have been made but weren't - can you elaborate on what those were?

 

Providing these details might help us to better understand this mindset and whether or not there is a possibility of reconciliation.

 

The truth is that many couples who were each others' firsts don't last forever. It's natural that people want to branch out and explore, especially if the people in question are young. That's not to say they won't find each other again someday but it's important to give yourselves time to grow as individuals too.

 

For example, if he had a bad day at work and was grumpy, I would ask him what was wrong. He would tell me nothing, because it had nothing to do with the relationship and he wanted to let it go and not talk about it. I would keep asking because I felt something was off, and he would get mad and then we'd argue. In regard to the changes that should've been made, we both should've compromised more. I'm generally indecisive, so if we went to dinner, I would tell him to pick. He would get frustrated that he always had to pick, and we would get into an argument over it and then dinner wouldn't be as enjoyable. I was also very protective, and would worry and want him to tell me when was on his way/got home when he was working late or out late with friends. I did it because I cared, but in retrospect, it was probably suffocating at times. Things like that, that aren't huge problems in themselves. When they were all stacked up, he was feeling unhappy and he said that him being unhappy led to more fights.

[totallylost1]

Hello! From reading your post I can almost guarantee you he just needs time for himself. If he is unhappy, that unhappiness is most likely coming from within, it probably has nothing to do with you. Just give him some time and space to figure things out. Sometimes when we are in a relationship with someone for so long, during especially during our 20s, we feel like is this it? Is this the one I am suppose to be with? It's very hard, but it does happen. It happened to me. I was in your situation and all it took was some space and time. We lost ourselves as individuals and we needed to find happiness from within. It is very normal.

 

Thank you. I can definitely understand that, especially because it is a first relationship for both of us. I know the entire five years have been a learning process for me, personally. I do just want him to be happy, and I hope if we both take a step back right now, clear our heads and look at it with a new perspective, we'll be able to do that together. It's very hard to look at the whole picture when you're standing with your nose to it.

[justagrl07]

Thank you. I can definitely understand that, especially because it is a first relationship for both of us. I know the entire five years have been a learning process for me, personally. I do just want him to be happy, and I hope if we both take a step back right now, clear our heads and look at it with a new perspective, we'll be able to do that together. It's very hard to look at the whole picture when you're standing with your nose to it.

 

 

Exactly! I was my ex's first serious relationship, as well. We were together for 4 years when he broke it off. One year later, we are back together, and very happy. He explored and did him and realized we are better together than apart. It could most definitely happen for you two, as well. Just give it time. You never know what is meant to be. Because of the breakup you are now realizing all the things you did that probably contributed to it and he is doing the same. If you guys get a second chance you will have learned from both of your mistakes and make the second time around count and work out

[totallylost1]

Exactly! I was my ex's first serious relationship, as well. We were together for 4 years when he broke it off. One year later, we are back together, and very happy. He explored and did him and realized we are better together than apart. It could most definitely happen for you two, as well. Just give it time. You never know what is meant to be. Because of the breakup you are now realizing all the things you did that probably contributed to it and he is doing the same. If you guys get a second chance you will have learned from both of your mistakes and make the second time around count and work out

 

I'm glad to hear that it worked out for you! Thank you for the advice/hope!

[totallylost1]

He was never one to use social media, ever. Like, he probably hadn't been on facebook since before Christmas. Today, there are pictures of him out with his friends and he changed his relationship status to single. I don't know if he just changed it because I changed mine, but it's strange timing for him to wait a week after breaking up with me to then change his. I guess I'm just feeling hurt seeing that he's out having fun and advertising that he's single now.

[Deidre]

I'm sorry this happened. I'd caution you to keep your phone line open to any time he calls, because you don't want to turn into the person he comes back to when he's bored, lonely, wants sex, etc. This happens a lot to people who have been in LTR's and break up, when nothing really earth shattering happened to end the relationship. So, it doesn't seem necessary to go NC, but in some ways, you might have to...because it will be hard to heal from this, if you keep staying in constant contact, reading his FB updates, etc.

 

Just be careful. ((hug))

[NolaLeForte]

I think justagirl hit the nail on the head. Most of this was probably brought on by him needing/wanting to explore himself. You guys were together for 5 years at a really pivotal time in your lives, and you’re probably right- you both need time to be individuals, to grow and develop on your own and then when you have had time to yourself you can talk about getting back together. That’s a totally realistic option, but if I were you I would stay away from thinking about that too much. This is just as much about you spending some time to develop yourself as it is him developing himself.

 

People change in time and that’s normal and also a lot of times, a good thing, even if it means a breakup. Going no contact in this situation is not a bad idea and I don’t feel would even be so much about giving him space but about you having the chance to get used to your life without him. I started college in a long term relationship and we broke up for mostly the same reasons (although in my situation it had started to become a compatibility issue as well) and it was sad because I felt like I was giving up all of these dreams and memories we had together (we were also each other’s firsts for a lot of things), but looking back, I’m so happy that was what happened. I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to discover myself and become the person I am now if I had stayed in the relationship, and breaking up forced me to think about what I wanted for myself instead of us, which became really crucial at that point in my life.

 

If you guys are meant to get back together then in time, you will. But for now, don’t think too much about that and just focus on you. It will not only make all of this much easier but down the line you’ll be really happy that you did, regardless of whether or not you get back together.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I would block him on Facebook. Not out of spite, but to protect your own well-being. You don't need to be seeing updates from him as it will hurt every time you do.

[justagrl07]

OP, I would block him on Facebook. Not out of spite, but to protect your own well-being. You don't need to be seeing updates from him as it will hurt every time you do.

 

I agree. Not out of spite but for the simple fact of guarding your heart and feelings. You don't want to see something that is going to set you back or break your heart even more.

[totallylost1]

It was hard to not reach out to him yesterday after seeing the status change, but I toughed it out and today I'm okay. I feel like he probably checked mine and saw I changed it and then changed his to match. His sister and I spoke for a long time yesterday. She said that she really believes he just needs space right now, since we never really had any and when he asked for it last week, I didn't give it to him. She told me to give him his space for a bit, while taking time for myself too. If I still feel the same way after a few weeks, reach out to him. She said he's going through the same feelings that I am right now, wanting to reach out but not wanting to at the same time, and that we both should see what it's like to be without the other for a bit and then re-evaluate. We both need to be okay on our own regardless of whether we get back together or not, and some time apart will help us figure out if we would want to be together.

[Truff]

Exactly! I was my ex's first serious relationship, as well. We were together for 4 years when he broke it off. One year later, we are back together, and very happy. He explored and did him and realized we are better together than apart. It could most definitely happen for you two, as well. Just give it time. You never know what is meant to be. Because of the breakup you are now realizing all the things you did that probably contributed to it and he is doing the same. If you guys get a second chance you will have learned from both of your mistakes and make the second time around count and work out

 

Hi, just wondering... How was that one year apart like? Was it easy? Did you almost give up hope?

[totallylost1]

I broke NC yesterday. Not sure why I thought he would change his mind in 4 days, but I had a moment of weakness and called and he answered. We spent 3 hours on the phone going back and forth, talking about the issues and how we could fix them. Most were issues about communicating/miscommunicating. He felt at times like I didn't make him a priority or that it didn't mean enough to me to spend time with him, which was a complete miscommunication. Others were difficulties in compromising, which could have been resolved if we communicated. Either way, they led to incorrect perceived feelings towards each other and fighting which made him unhappy. But we did come to terms with the fact that things could be fixed.

 

Ultimately, he said he didn't WANT to fix it now. He said that he had no intention of changing his mind, and that he does believe it was the right thing for us to break up. He said that he was unhappy and had fallen out of love. I asked if he fell out of love because he wasn't happy and we had problems, or if he just wasn't in love with me anymore. He said that it was because of the problems, and that if we didn't fight/were happy, he would be in love with me. I guess it was important for me to know the difference, because if he just fell out of love because he fell out of love, that's not something that space/time to think will really change. If he fell out of love because he was unhappy, I know things could be different if he decides he wants to try again.

 

I know that I can't sit and wait around holding my breath. He still told me that if he does change his mind, he will reach out, but at this point he doesn't see himself doing that. He also said that it's something he's still thinking and praying about every day, and that he would think about our conversation too, and how he now knows there are solutions to our problems. If he were to change his mind, he wants it to be something that he comes to decide on his own, not something he wants someone to tell him/convince him to do. Not sure if that means he's still not entirely sure because he's still praying and thinking about it, or if that's normal. When he said "this is the right thing and I'm not going to change my mind" I figured it was something he was done thinking about, but I guess not.

 

I'm starting to realize that he can only tell me what he's feeling at this moment. A month ago, he couldn't tell me that he'd feel this way now. So now, he can't tell me if he'll want to try in a month. All he can tell me is how he feels right now. And if he needed time apart to potentially feel something different, 4 days was definitely not enough time. So now, I'm not sure how to feel. I know I definitely can not contact him again, and that he really does need his space. I feel both better and worse that we talked about how to solve our problems. Better, because I know that there are ways to fix them if he does want to try. Worse, because I know that there are ways to fix them but he doesn't want to try.

 

Still trying to figure out if this is potentially something that can be fixed with time and space apart. Not sure if those feelings of him thinking he wasn't important to me or that I didn't want to compromise, etc. could disappear and that he'd want to try again. I know right now they're not going to, because it's still such a fresh breakup, but I really do wonder in general if those kinds of feelings fade and someone says "hey I want to try again"

Edited June 7, 2016 by totallylost1

[justagrl07]

Hi, just wondering... How was that one year apart like? Was it easy? Did you almost give up hope?

 

Hi there! The year apart was, of course, extremely difficult. I was like everyone else on this blog-- depressed, heartbroken, angry, etc. But at the same time, I could imagine what he was going through. He was (and still is) an amazing person so I couldn't hate him. I had wished he cheated on me so it would be easier to get over him and move on. However, I just couldn't hate him and he was still the love of my life, which made it that much harder to let go of or at least try because I never really did. As the months passed it did get a lot easier, but I always knew our story wasn't over. I just knew because of how great our relationship was over the years and all our memories that we shared that he would be back. I did date others though and try to put myself out there but most importantly I got myself back-- I became stronger. When he came back I was a better version of myself and he has definitely become a better version of himself. I never really gave up hope and a lot of it has to do with our past relationship and everything we went through together as a team.

 

 

PS- If you want to know anything else, please don't hesitate to ask me... not just you but to everyone on here-- I will try my best to answer any questions you may have or even if it is just to vent. I was in a very dark place a year ago like many of you on here and I don't want to come across like I am this super strong person and the breakup was a walk in the park because trust me I was far from strong and the breakup was far from being a breeze. But it is because of the breakup that I am a lot stronger and more mature. And I can guarantee everyone on here that you will become stronger too.

[justagrl07]

I broke NC yesterday. Not sure why I thought he would change his mind in 4 days, but I had a moment of weakness and called and he answered. We spent 3 hours on the phone going back and forth, talking about the issues and how we could fix them. Most were issues about communicating/miscommunicating. He felt at times like I didn't make him a priority or that it didn't mean enough to me to spend time with him, which was a complete miscommunication. Others were difficulties in compromising, which could have been resolved if we communicated. Either way, they led to incorrect perceived feelings towards each other and fighting which made him unhappy. But we did come to terms with the fact that things could be fixed.

 

Ultimately, he said he didn't WANT to fix it now. He said that he had no intention of changing his mind, and that he does believe it was the right thing for us to break up. He said that he was unhappy and had fallen out of love. I asked if he fell out of love because he wasn't happy and we had problems, or if he just wasn't in love with me anymore. He said that it was because of the problems, and that if we didn't fight/were happy, he would be in love with me. I guess it was important for me to know the difference, because if he just fell out of love because he fell out of love, that's not something that space/time to think will really change. If he fell out of love because he was unhappy, I know things could be different if he decides he wants to try again.

 

I know that I can't sit and wait around holding my breath. He still told me that if he does change his mind, he will reach out, but at this point he doesn't see himself doing that. He also said that it's something he's still thinking and praying about every day, and that he would think about our conversation too, and how he now knows there are solutions to our problems. If he were to change his mind, he wants it to be something that he comes to decide on his own, not something he wants someone to tell him/convince him to do. Not sure if that means he's still not entirely sure because he's still praying and thinking about it, or if that's normal. When he said "this is the right thing and I'm not going to change my mind" I figured it was something he was done thinking about, but I guess not.

 

I'm starting to realize that he can only tell me what he's feeling at this moment. A month ago, he couldn't tell me that he'd feel this way now. So now, he can't tell me if he'll want to try in a month. All he can tell me is how he feels right now. And if he needed time apart to potentially feel something different, 4 days was definitely not enough time. So now, I'm not sure how to feel. I know I definitely can not contact him again, and that he really does need his space. I feel both better and worse that we talked about how to solve our problems. Better, because I know that there are ways to fix them if he does want to try. Worse, because I know that there are ways to fix them but he doesn't want to try.

 

Still trying to figure out if this is potentially something that can be fixed with time and space apart. Not sure if those feelings of him thinking he wasn't important to me or that I didn't want to compromise, etc. could disappear and that he'd want to try again. I know right now they're not going to, because it's still such a fresh breakup, but I really do wonder in general if those kinds of feelings fade and someone says "hey I want to try again"

 

Just give him space and time. It is extremely hard I know, but it will be worth it for the both of you. I promise. It is so hard to let go of the one you love and watch them be "free", but unfortunately it is life and you need to let him have what he wants. He is saying he just doesn't want to work on it right now and I think that is smart. You both need some clarity. You don't want to force the relationship to work, especially bc when we are being broken up with we become vulnerable, clingy, suffocating, and desperate. You don't want to try and fix the relationship when having those emotions, it won't work out. You need time to be clear minded and both be in to work on it together, AS A TEAM.

[totallylost1]

Hi there! The year apart was, of course, extremely difficult. I was like everyone else on this blog-- depressed, heartbroken, angry, etc. But at the same time, I could imagine what he was going through. He was (and still is) an amazing person so I couldn't hate him. I had wished he cheated on me so it would be easier to get over him and move on. However, I just couldn't hate him and he was still the love of my life, which made it that much harder to let go of or at least try because I never really did. As the months passed it did get a lot easier, but I always knew our story wasn't over. I just knew because of how great our relationship was over the years and all our memories that we shared that he would be back. I did date others though and try to put myself out there but most importantly I got myself back-- I became stronger. When he came back I was a better version of myself and he has definitely become a better version of himself. I never really gave up hope and a lot of it has to do with our past relationship and everything we went through together as a team.

 

 

PS- If you want to know anything else, please don't hesitate to ask me... not just you but to everyone on here-- I will try my best to answer any questions you may have or even if it is just to vent. I was in a very dark place a year ago like many of you on here and I don't want to come across like I am this super strong person and the breakup was a walk in the park because trust me I was far from strong and the breakup was far from being a breeze. But it is because of the breakup that I am a lot stronger and more mature. And I can guarantee everyone on here that you will become stronger too.

 

 

Did you ever feel like you honestly didn't know what would happen? Obviously you always knew that you wanted it to work out again, but did you ever say to yourself "as much as I think we're meant to be and what we had was great/special, I don't know what he's going to decide" or anything like that?

 

Right now, I'm accepting that this is what he wants right now. I know that all he can do is tell me how he feels at this exact moment, and neither one of us knows how he's going to feel down the road. I know that if we did come back together, since we figured out what the problems were and what we'd do different, things would be great. I guess initially I was thinking along the lines of "this can't be happening, we're meant to be, you'll change your mind and come back, etc." and now I'm more at "this is how you feel right now and this is what you want at this point. I think that we did/do have something special and I want you to come back, but I don't know if you will and you probably don't even know if you will." I guess I don't know if that's a normal/good place to be in or not.

Edited June 8, 2016 by totallylost1

[justagrl07]

Did you ever feel like you honestly didn't know what would happen? Obviously you always knew that you wanted it to work out again, but did you ever say to yourself "as much as I think we're meant to be and what we had was great/special, I don't know what he's going to decide" or anything like that?

 

Right now, I'm accepting that this is what he wants right now. I know that all he can do is tell me how he feels at this exact moment, and neither one of us knows how he's going to feel down the road. I know that if we did come back together, since we figured out what the problems were and what we'd do different, things would be great. I guess initially I was thinking along the lines of "this can't be happening, we're meant to be, you'll change your mind and come back, etc." and now I'm more at "this is how you feel right now and this is what you want at this point. I think that we did/do have something special and I want you to come back, but I don't know if you will and you probably don't even know if you will." I guess I don't know if that's a normal/good place to be in or not.

 

 

Of course I did. I hoped that our relationship meant something for him to come back to but there was always a doubt in my mind thinking this could possibly be the end of us. I felt maybe he wasn't as happy as I was or as happy as I thought he was. I didn't really know what he was thinking or feeling. He just one day out of the blue asked for a break which turned into a breakup and we never had serious issues just the normal disagreements but we ended and there was definitely some uncertainty on whether or not we would be together again.

 

It is very normal. You are mourning the loss of your relationship and now seeing things from a different perspective and honestly a breakup shows how much we take for granted in our relationships. You guys are still very fresh in the breakup process. It takes time to finally come to the conclusion that it may work out in the sense you two get back together or you may find you are better apart and with different/more compatible partners. I don't know how your relationship was but what I can tell you from my own experience is if you were a great partner to him and had unforgettable memories together, you won't be easily forgotten and he will compare every girl he dates to you. And that's the beauty of it all because if you were great which I am assuming you are an amazing girl who loves him very much than he will most likely come back when he is ready. But he has to be ready to reconcile. So give him time, let him do him. Of course miss him and think about him but do it from a distance. Do no contact for sometime until you heal properly. Then after some time if you feel okay to be friendly with him than do so. I did no contact for about 5 months and then we were in LC and we saw each other a couple times but just friendly hangouts. He became a new person in that year we had apart and I had to see if I liked the new person he had become. 20s are our prime time-- we change so much during these years and sometimes we need to grow and mature on our own.

[kendahke]

For example, if he had a bad day at work and was grumpy, I would ask him what was wrong. He would tell me nothing, because it had nothing to do with the relationship and he wanted to let it go and not talk about it. I would keep asking because I felt something was off, and he would get mad and then we'd argue. In regard to the changes that should've been made, we both should've compromised more. I'm generally indecisive, so if we went to dinner, I would tell him to pick. He would get frustrated that he always had to pick, and we would get into an argument over it and then dinner wouldn't be as enjoyable. I was also very protective, and would worry and want him to tell me when was on his way/got home when he was working late or out late with friends. I did it because I cared, but in retrospect, it was probably suffocating at times. Things like that, that aren't huge problems in themselves. When they were all stacked up, he was feeling unhappy and he said that him being unhappy led to more fights.

 

While it is painful what you're going through, and I'm sorry you are, I think it's a good thing that you both get out on your own and learn something of life. A lot of what you talk about isn't mature behavior. You seem overly dependent upon him, as if your whole identity hung upon him and his thoughts or his next move. Yes, in fact, I'll agree with you that it was suffocating.

 

You need to get out into the world and experience life as a whole and complete human being in her own right, not as 1/2 of a couple through which you get your whole identity. I think growth in this area would do you an immense amount of good.

[totallylost1]

Of course I did. I hoped that our relationship meant something for him to come back to but there was always a doubt in my mind thinking this could possibly be the end of us. I felt maybe he wasn't as happy as I was or as happy as I thought he was. I didn't really know what he was thinking or feeling. He just one day out of the blue asked for a break which turned into a breakup and we never had serious issues just the normal disagreements but we ended and there was definitely some uncertainty on whether or not we would be together again.

 

It is very normal. You are mourning the loss of your relationship and now seeing things from a different perspective and honestly a breakup shows how much we take for granted in our relationships. You guys are still very fresh in the breakup process. It takes time to finally come to the conclusion that it may work out in the sense you two get back together or you may find you are better apart and with different/more compatible partners. I don't know how your relationship was but what I can tell you from my own experience is if you were a great partner to him and had unforgettable memories together, you won't be easily forgotten and he will compare every girl he dates to you. And that's the beauty of it all because if you were great which I am assuming you are an amazing girl who loves him very much than he will most likely come back when he is ready. But he has to be ready to reconcile. So give him time, let him do him. Of course miss him and think about him but do it from a distance. Do no contact for sometime until you heal properly. Then after some time if you feel okay to be friendly with him than do so. I did no contact for about 5 months and then we were in LC and we saw each other a couple times but just friendly hangouts. He became a new person in that year we had apart and I had to see if I liked the new person he had become. 20s are our prime time-- we change so much during these years and sometimes we need to grow and mature on our own.

 

In my opinion, I think that we did have a very good relationship. It was a first relationship for both of us, so there were definitely things that we learned through trial and error, but I was very happy with him. But now I'm thinking, when I spoke to him a few days ago, he was bringing up all the negative things from the past as reasons for why he thought we wouldn't work. For example, we went to college together, so we'd be together for the school year and then "apart" for the summer. We lived relatively close, so we'd still see each other, but at school we'd be together 7 days a week and over the summer we'd see each other once or twice a week. When we'd move back into school in the fall, we'd always have an "adjustment" period where I'd want to see him all the time because I missed being with him and to him, it was kind of suffocating because he wanted to see his friends too. Because of this, we'd have like a week of being irritable and fighting every fall. As the years progressed, it got better, but I can't pretend that it didn't happen. When I think about our relationship as a whole, I don't think about those weeks. I think about all the fun and special times that we had together. When I spoke to him on the phone two days ago, he said something along the lines of "even when we were at school, we would always fight in September. That shouldn't have happened." It makes me sad to think that those are the things he thinks of when thinking back on our relationship. I don't know if he's just saying that now because we just broke up/he doesn't want to listen to me try to convince him to change his mind so he's focusing on the negative aspects, or if those are the things he actually thinks about. That's what makes me nervous about having faith he'll come back. As far as I know, based on what he's discussed with me this past week about his feelings on the relationship, they're not positive ones. I don't know if that's something that will change once he has space.

[totallylost1]

While it is painful what you're going through, and I'm sorry you are, I think it's a good thing that you both get out on your own and learn something of life. A lot of what you talk about isn't mature behavior. You seem overly dependent upon him, as if your whole identity hung upon him and his thoughts or his next move. Yes, in fact, I'll agree with you that it was suffocating.

 

You need to get out into the world and experience life as a whole and complete human being in her own right, not as 1/2 of a couple through which you get your whole identity. I think growth in this area would do you an immense amount of good.

 

I respect your opinion. I wouldn't say that it wasn't mature behavior. I cared about him and wanted to make sure he got home safely. I didn't ask him to update me with his every move on what he was doing, where he was doing, and who he was doing it with. Was I dependent on him? Sure. For 4 years, we spent most of our time together. Was I unable to do things without him/was he unable to do things without me? Not at all. We still did our own things, had our own friends, went to our own events, etc.

[totallylost1]

While it is painful what you're going through, and I'm sorry you are, I think it's a good thing that you both get out on your own and learn something of life. A lot of what you talk about isn't mature behavior. You seem overly dependent upon him, as if your whole identity hung upon him and his thoughts or his next move. Yes, in fact, I'll agree with you that it was suffocating.

 

You need to get out into the world and experience life as a whole and complete human being in her own right, not as 1/2 of a couple through which you get your whole identity. I think growth in this area would do you an immense amount of good.

 

Not to completely disregard what you said though... Did I lose track of who I am as an individual? Yes and no. Sure, I got caught up in the relationship and am feeling somewhat lost without him. But do I still know who I am? Of course. I feel as though I was able to find out more about myself by opening everything about me up to someone else. By being with him for so long, he encouraged me to be a better person, try new things, etc. and those are things that are still relevant and with me now even though we aren't together. I don't disagree that being focused on myself and finding out more about who I am now, 5 years later, is a good thing. I think it's a good thing for him too. But I don't think that means that we're doomed to never be together again. I think that if we find we're compatible as the complete individuals we are at this point (not necessarily this exact moment, but once we've had space) that we would be much stronger together and have a deeper and well-balanced relationship.

Edited June 8, 2016 by totallylost1

[ChickiePops]

Yeah, this is a classic tale of 'I want to go out and bang other chicks but I want you to stay single and pine for me just in case I decide to come back to you'.

[totallylost1]

Yeah, this is a classic tale of 'I want to go out and bang other chicks but I want you to stay single and pine for me just in case I decide to come back to you'.

 

That is actually probably the most incorrect scenario, but thanks haha.