Found naked photos on his computer....

[xra]

It would be nice to get an update from the OP.

 

Although if she has decided to stay with him (my fear) ..... she is prob afraid to come back.

 

Wish her well......

 

Here's an update. After I told him to go spend the night elsewhere, he hasn't come back home. I haven't seen him or talked to him since. I really need the alone time right now, so this is great. I know he's somewhere in the city, because he left on his stupid bicycle - so he didn't go too far. I'm sure he'll be back in a day or two, he has to go to work.

 

When I initially confronted him, he said that he responded to a post on CL and also made a post of his own, looking for a couple to 'swing' with. I took the advice of one of the posters here, to look at his CL account and try to find the original post he claimed he put up. Of course, there's no record of such a post in his account. So either it was a website other than CL and he lied about that, or he is lying about the whole story.

 

I told two really good friends what happened (who know both me and him well), and neither one can believe it. I mean, they believe that it happened, but both are just incredulous. They both think I need to talk to him again and try to get to the bottom of things, or to get closure maybe.

 

I probably won't do anything for the next few days. Need to focus on my new job and the upcoming very important exam, and I don't have the energy to dedicate to sorting through this mess. I haven't yet made up my mind about what to do in the long-term. I know this is a serious, serious problem...can't really get a red flag bigger than what I saw (other than catching him in bed with someone else, I guess). I'm definitely gonna take a break from the relationship, and reevaluate everything. If I do end it, I need to make a plan for how to move forward on my own (logistically, financially, emotionally, etc.). My support network of closest friends and family is unfortunately far away, as we only recently moved to this city.

 

Thanks again for all your advice and support. I know that if I was a stranger reading my own posts, I wouldn't hesitate in telling the OP to leave and never look back. But making these decisions yourself is always much harder, you know?

[katiegrl]

Thank you for the update!

 

You are doing great, and sound strong! I admire you.

 

Take care of you! Which it sounds like you are doing....

 

And good luck with your new job!

Edited June 5, 2016 by katiegrl

[serial muse]

Here's an update. After I told him to go spend the night elsewhere, he hasn't come back home. I haven't seen him or talked to him since. I really need the alone time right now, so this is great. I know he's somewhere in the city, because he left on his stupid bicycle - so he didn't go too far. I'm sure he'll be back in a day or two, he has to go to work.

 

When I initially confronted him, he said that he responded to a post on CL and also made a post of his own, looking for a couple to 'swing' with. I took the advice of one of the posters here, to look at his CL account and try to find the original post he claimed he put up. Of course, there's no record of such a post in his account. So either it was a website other than CL and he lied about that, or he is lying about the whole story.

 

I told two really good friends what happened (who know both me and him well), and neither one can believe it. I mean, they believe that it happened, but both are just incredulous. They both think I need to talk to him again and try to get to the bottom of things, or to get closure maybe.

 

I probably won't do anything for the next few days. Need to focus on my new job and the upcoming very important exam, and I don't have the energy to dedicate to sorting through this mess. I haven't yet made up my mind about what to do in the long-term. I know this is a serious, serious problem...can't really get a red flag bigger than what I saw (other than catching him in bed with someone else, I guess). I'm definitely gonna take a break from the relationship, and reevaluate everything. If I do end it, I need to make a plan for how to move forward on my own (logistically, financially, emotionally, etc.). My support network of closest friends and family is unfortunately far away, as we only recently moved to this city.

 

Thanks again for all your advice and support. I know that if I was a stranger reading my own posts, I wouldn't hesitate in telling the OP to leave and never look back. But making these decisions yourself is always much harder, you know?

 

Hi xra. So sorry this is happening to you. I've read your whole thread, so won't rehash the many excellent points others have made. But I do want to say this: The fact that he took off without telling you where he was going to be, or even how to be in touch with him, continues to paint a dark picture of a guy who is not trustworthy and certainly not serious about changing his ways (if he has even promised to do so).

 

He is in the wrong here, he breaks your trust in a despicable way -- and on top of that he just vanishes for a few days, doesn't give you a heads-up about where he's going and doesn't check on you? I understand that you wanted space, but you also want to know you can trust him! It may be tempting to forgive a one-time transgression (although that assumes it is just the one time). But this behavior indicates that his problems go very deep. He is not contrite. Please, please beware of marrying this person.

[Imajerk17]

Hey everyone, before you give xra any more advice, you may want to check out this thread:

 

[i think he might be married??]

 

Looks like the red flags were SERIOUSLY there all along.

Edited June 6, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
link redacted, threadstarter confirmed they are not the same men ~6

[elaine567]

Hey everyone, before you give xra any more advice, you may want to check out this thread:

 

[i think he might be married??]

 

Looks like the red flags were SERIOUSLY there all along.

 

So we have another red flag to add to the others already fluttering away in the breeze.

Come on xra, you are a medical student so not a stupid woman, why are you determined to ruin yourself?

Edited June 6, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed quote ~6

[serial muse]

Hey everyone, before you give xra any more advice, you may want to check out this thread:

 

[i think he might be married??]

 

Looks like the red flags were SERIOUSLY there all along.

 

Egad.

 

Oh xra. In that thread you ask about whether you should hire a private investigator. I'm thinking that it's about time you did. No question there's a lot more to this rabbit hole.

Edited June 6, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed quote ~6

[NIGHT1985]

There's no point in hiring an investigator. The relationship should be over at this point.

[serial muse]

There's no point in hiring an investigator. The relationship should be over at this point.

 

The point would be if she can't bring herself to end it without "proof".

[Michelle ma Belle]

Hey everyone, before you give xra any more advice, you may want to check out this thread:

 

[i think he might be married??]

 

Looks like the red flags were SERIOUSLY there all along.

 

Is this seriously the same guy?????

Edited June 6, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed quote ~6

[Michelle ma Belle]

Okay...I just read through your previous posts and it looks like this is the same guy from your other threads.

 

COME ON XRA!!!!

 

There comes a point where YOU need to take some responsibility for the kind of men you're attracting and the unhealthy relationships you find yourself in.

[Tressugar]

I feel real sh*tty about what you're going through. I don't know why men f*ck up a good thing all day, every day.

 

Men have their MGOW, maybe it's time for us to have our own.

[minimariah]

IMO this is 'big' and can't be explained away either as innocent or as negligible (bc major lying/deception), so ....I think your only answer here is it's over.

 

i second this -- it is EXACTLY how it looks like; trust in the relationship is completely ruined. i'm sorry, OP! best of luck & hopefully you will move on.

[pteromom]

Another terrifying thought I just had... He has a very even temper, but when he loses it - he really LOSES it. He's never once got angry at me in that way, but I don't know if that might happen when I confront him.

 

He has a handgun that he keeps in his dresser, and he is an expert shot (military training, yada yada). Should I confront him somewhere in public, away from his weapon? In case things really go south??

 

If you are even thinking this is a possibility, in what UNIVERSE do you think it would be a good idea to marry someone with this capability?

 

This should tell you as much about him as his cheating or attempted cheating.

[ExpatInItaly]

Hey everyone, before you give xra any more advice, you may want to check out this thread:

 

[i think he might be married??]

 

Looks like the red flags were SERIOUSLY there all along.

 

OP, I sincerely hope you are still reading this thread; this man has been deceptive from Day 1. This latest lie didn't come out of nowhere, sadly. He has a well-established history of lying and hiding important information.

 

Get away from him and stay away. He is seriously bad news.

Edited June 6, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed quote ~6

[pteromom]

I am glad you are taking a break from him.

 

If you do decide to give it a shot, you need to have a very candid discussion about his sexuality. If he is sending erection pics to a man, that is a big red flag.

 

If he is closeted, he isn't a great candidate for marriage (other obvious issues aside.)

 

Your comments about whether a real honest trusting relationship is possible broke my heart. YES, it is possible. However, it requires that both your heart and HEAD are engaged. You have to be willing to confront red flags and walk away - not only if it comes out that the person is a "bad" person, but if the person's values, goals, temperament, personality, etc. aren't compatible with yours - even if he is a GREAT person. Someone can be the best person in the world and still not a good match for you.

[xra]

Lol no no, I'm not THAT dumb. The guy from the "I think he might be married?" thread was a different guy, we parted ways after that whole fiasco. He did turn out to be a complete liar, and I left him after finding out the whole story. The guy I've been seeing for the past 3 years just also happened to be ex-military.

 

But clearly, I have terrible taste in men. And unfortunately, they don't teach us how to sniff out liars or cheaters in medical school.

[xra]

Okay...I just read through your previous posts and it looks like this is the same guy from your other threads.

 

COME ON XRA!!!!

 

There comes a point where YOU need to take some responsibility for the kind of men you're attracting and the unhealthy relationships you find yourself in.

 

It's not the same guy from the 'married' thread, but you have a point. Every single one of my past relationships ended due to lying and/or cheating on the guy's part. So yes, I do seem to attract men who are not relationship material, and I don't know why. I've looked hard at my behavior to try and find the reasons, and have asked friends for their honest opinions, but haven't been able to figure it out.

[Emilia]

We all meet our fair share of liars, cheats, etc. I just think that you tolerate them for too long. If you got rid of the bad ones sooner, they wouldn't affect your life so much.

[katiegrl]

We all meet our fair share of liars, cheats, etc. I just think that you tolerate them for too long. If you got rid of the bad ones sooner, they wouldn't affect your life so much.

 

Agree. That's like my motto on this forum (I should make it my signature as I say it often enough).

 

Choose wisely from the getgo and avoid confusion, disappointment, hurt, heartbreak later.

[BlueIris]

It's not the same guy from the 'married' thread, but you have a point. Every single one of my past relationships ended due to lying and/or cheating on the guy's part. So yes, I do seem to attract men who are not relationship material, and I don't know why. I've looked hard at my behavior to try and find the reasons, and have asked friends for their honest opinions, but haven't been able to figure it out.

 

It could be that you are too trusting and protective of the people around you, that you don't know how where the middle ground lies between constant suspicion and complete trust. This is not an easy ground to find. But it's important to get there.

[CarrieT]

But clearly, I have terrible taste in men. And unfortunately, they don't teach us how to sniff out liars or cheaters in medical school.

But you are learning and being taught things here. The question is: Are you going to act upon the information you are gleaning from this and your other thread?

[katiegrl]

Lol no no, I'm not THAT dumb. The guy from the "I think he might be married?" thread was a different guy, we parted ways after that whole fiasco. He did turn out to be a complete liar, and I left him after finding out the whole story. The guy I've been seeing for the past 3 years just also happened to be ex-military.

 

 

 

 

**But clearly, I have terrible taste in men. And unfortunately, they don't teach us how to sniff out liars or cheaters in medical school.

 

 

^No but good common sense and dating smarts teaches us once we discover they are liars and cheaters, we don't stick around for more of the same....

[VeveCakes]

Have you ever thought of therapy to help source out red flags and make better choices?

 

I have found it really helpful, I too am one to pick the wrong men constantly.

[katiegrl]

JMO but I really don't think the problem is picking the wrong man.

 

It is *staying* with that man once we discover he is not a good guy or who he portrayed himself to be.

 

Playing games, hot/cold, mixed messages, lying, cheating, etc.... if we are really paying attention, these things can be very apparent very early on.

 

Especially the hot/cold. That shows up REAL quick.

 

In the OP's case, I am sure as she thinks back, there were signs with him too, that she either ignored, justified or just swept under the carpet.

 

This latest one is just so blatant, that if she chooses to justify this and stay with him, then yeah, as Vevecakes suggested, she should look into some therapy cuz doing so is just flat out self-destructive imo.

[BlueIris]

JMO but I really don't think the problem is picking the wrong man.

 

It is *staying* with that man once we discover he is not a good guy or who he portrayed himself to be.

 

I'm so glad you said that. Meeting people who use you or lie to you is common for good honest people. Liars and users don't want other liars and users so honest kind people are the people they pick. Encountering them is a learning process. OP is smart so she is not going to draw goofy illogical conclusions from the lessons.