dreamingoftigers Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 A good counselor will see through that crap in two seconds! That is why they need a third party to serve as sort of a mediator and guide them as they discuss and attempt to work through this .... if this is even possible . IF she chooses to stay..... HE needs to take full responsibility, and if he cannot or won't, then that right there gives you more information to make a responsible rational decision as to whether or not you wish to build a life with this person, as a husband and father to your children... I would not, but of course this is your life, and no matter what anyone else says, people ultimately do what *they* want to do anyway.... If I have learned anything from being on this forum, it's that..... Unfortunately, it's easy to trip over a crappy counselor. Beware. They can cause more damage than help if they suck.
jen1447 Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 I don't want to harangue the OP anymore when what she really needs at this point are cuddles, but the idea of a counselor for this is like a bandaid for a bullet hole. I know you said "if" katie but it's still like saying she should really look for a first aid kit if she decides she's not gonna go to the hospital after getting run over by the bus. 4
KatZee Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 KatZee, your last post really resonated with me. I do believe in fate to a certain extent, and maybe that is the reason these images popped up when I tried to use the computer. I know that if I tell my closest friends about it, the ones who know him, no one would even believe that this happened. That's what makes it so hard, I think - it's completely out of left field. I always thought we were both so happy, and there were NO indications that he was discontented or thinking about cheating. Several people pointed out that he could be a psychopath. I spend a few years working in psychiatric research with psychopaths, and I'm trained to diagnose the condition. I don't THINK he is one, but I know how glib and manipulative those people are. If he truly is one, I would never know it until it is too late. ^^Those people are the most dangerous. Everyone in my ex's life think he's the greatest thing on earth. To everyone he's a standup guy. Full of morals, good intentions, best guy ever, incapable of doing anything wrong. One of the friends of the group even once said, "Oh he's incapable of cheating, he doesn't have the balls to do something like that." Well, well, well. They're wolves in sheeps clothing, truly. They are masters at projecting an image that they want people to see, and the sinister stuff sits just below the surface. I wouldn't say he's a psychopath. That's a bit extreme. But what I do think my ex is, to a T, is a narcissistic sociopath. Look up some traits of that personality disorder. 1
katiegrl Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 (edited) I don't want to harangue the OP anymore when what she really needs at this point are cuddles, but the idea of a counselor for this is like a bandaid for a bullet hole. I know you said "if" katie but it's still like saying she should really look for a first aid kit if she decides she's not gonna go to the hospital after getting run over by the bus. Well my gut says she is gonna stay with him, which is the only reason why I suggested it. Counseling has worked very very well for me, perhaps I was lucky to find a good one. And as I said, this forum has taught me that no matter what everyone else says, leave or whatevs, people end up doing what they want to do anyway which is often ignoring all the great advice and charging forward. Just trying to be realistic here tis all....and suggest something that might help in the event she chooses to stay. Which I personally think would be a huge mistake, and have said so and why, but it's her decision.... Edited June 4, 2016 by katiegrl
KatZee Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 ^Agreed. No one ever leaves because someone advised it. No one leaves because they're treated so poorly. A person leaves, when they're ready to leave, and not one minute before that. There are always going be excuses, reasons why they can't, life events, important happenings, future planned events. It always comes down to, "it's not the right time" "I'll just wait until X, Y, Z is done." "We have this happening next week..." It doesn't happen. Until that person hits complete rock bottom, they are at the lowest point they can go, utterly destroyed, emotionally wrecked, will they finally choose to leave. Humans are flawed and always looking to fix what is very much broken. I've been there, I refuse to go there ever again. 4
Emilia Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 ^^Those people are the most dangerous. Everyone in my ex's life think he's the greatest thing on earth. To everyone he's a standup guy. Full of morals, good intentions, best guy ever, incapable of doing anything wrong. One of the friends of the group even once said, "Oh he's incapable of cheating, he doesn't have the balls to do something like that." Well, well, well. They're wolves in sheeps clothing, truly. They are masters at projecting an image that they want people to see, and the sinister stuff sits just below the surface. Second this. I worked with someone like this, after I left the company he was on LinkedIn trying to get me on a date: he is married with 2 kids. The loving, caring husband - who, I needless to say to seasoned posters such as yourself, infantilises his wife. Never pick the smooth talker, the one who seems to have everything figured out. 1
MissBee Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 Update: So I confronted him (safely, in a public space). He was caught completely off guard, and said that he's had a fantasy of him and me having sex with another couple. I'm not sure what exactly he was planning on doing during this 4-some (sex with me, or the other guy, or everyone, who knows). He told me that the photos were ones he sent to this guy he found of Craigslist, and says he never sent photos with his or my face in them. The guy he was talking to was bi, which is why he sent all these dick photos to him, but he wasn't planning on actually having sex with him (?!). As for the photos of the two naked women I found in the folder, he said he sent them claiming that it was me, so the other couple could see the body (the photos were from the neck down, and the body types were somewhat similar to mine). He thought that he'd try to get to know these people first, and sent the dick photo with the handwritten location/date stamp to prove he was real and local. Then, he said that after a few email exchanges with this man on CL (who apparently sent my fiance a photo of himself and his gf/wife naked), it got too weird and he stopped the communication. He claims that he deleted all emails from this exchange, and his browser history as well, so there is no way to prove or disprove anything he said. He said he never even got the name of the other man or woman. The CL post (if there ever was one) would be long gone by now, since it's been over 2 months. I really want to believe that this is all there is to the story. Even if this is an isolated incident, I still think that he cheated by going behind my back and secretly sending nudes to some strangers on CL in hopes of scoring some group sex or whatever. He says he can't believe he was so stupid, and hates himself for what he did. I don't know what to do from here. There is no way to prove or disprove anything, it seems. There isn't anything to prove or disprove....it's not court, it's your relationship and relationships are not about evidence and proof like in a court of law, but about an environment of trust and respect. The point is, after all this, do you feel like you can trust him? Are you okay with all of this? Your future husband doing all this behind your back to score some group sex or whatever? You said it's cheating, so the question is: he cheated, are you willing to work through this or is this a deal breaker? 4
Methodical Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 If he is another cheater and liar, even if his story is 100% true and all he wanted was to 'surprise' me with this swinger party... even so, he still lied and went behind my back. And broke my trust, in the worst way. If this guy, who seemed like the kindest, sweetest man I've ever met, turns out to be a lying d-bag... I don't think I can ever get over that. I don't know if I can ever trust or love anyone again. And I don't think I'll ever find someone whom I can love and trust. I'm independent and quite content being single for a while, but I don't know if I can spend my life alone. Do true, loving, happy relationships ever happen anymore?? From everything I've ever witnessed, the answer is no. I don't have a single girlfriend who's had a happy ending. Granted, I'm still pretty young (late 20s), but is it even worth trying? Hell, even my father cheated on my mom after 20 years of marriage. I want to believe that love, honesty, faith, good people still exist out there somewhere, but that just sounds naive. You're acknowledging that he was deceptive and his actions hurt you. Equally important, tho, is that he took an assertive action w/o regard for your feelings. Unless I missed it somewhere, he never asked how you felt about swinging/swapping/propositioning and took it upon himself to do so as a surprise...for who? You? No, this was all for and about himself. IMO, he wouldn't mind putting you in harms way for self-serving reasons, and that alone should send up your red flag alert. 8
elaine567 Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 Most heterosexual men would run a mile from engaging in sex talk with a bisexual man, and here we have your "heterosexual" bf sending such a man, pics of his erect junk??? 4
whatcanitellyou Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 Hon, there's reason doctors don't treat their own family members. I don't care what you're trained to diagnose, you are not capable of accurately diagnosing him.....you're way too involved and blinded by love and fear to be impartial. As one who's a few years older than you, it's clear to me that you ignore these red flags at your own peril. Your guy has shown you who he is, you just don't want to believe him. You might even argue that getting a naked pick from from some trashy woman on CL could be a one off mistake, but your guy solicited sex that was meant to involved you and another man behind your back. The urges that he has for that kind of thing aren't going away, assuming he's even telling the truth about it. And frankly even going on to CL is a deliberate act that he went out of his way to do. It's not like meeting someone at work and next thing you know you're too close. He had to make the decision to seek this out. And like someone has already pointed out, he conveniently deleted the internet history but kept the naked pictures. This gut is not husband material. You have a golden opportunity to avoid screwing up your life with him right now; sure it's going to hurt and be tough but you have no idea what's waiting for you. What's going to happen when you're legally married and you have kids to worry about and you've spent 15 years of your life with this? It's going to be so much worse for you. I can almost guarantee that if you go through with this wedding there will come a day when you will look back on this moment and want to kick your own behind. He has just shown you who he is. You just don't want to believe it. 5
coolheadal Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 (edited) Going by your first post here. Yes it's cheating on emotional level on you. I wouldn't marry this guy if I was you. He's have so much fun with his porn and also sending parts of him out to other woman. Make sure it's woman? But still not a good sign. He has HSD = High Sex Drive. Might be EHSD Extreme High Sex Drive. Sounds like it to me. The porn means so much to him I doubt he can give it up. Now you don't trust him over the Folder labeled X that's all you see in your mind right now that X folder. Now you have to decide either it's you or the porn? He will may say you, but can you really trust that he will never go back to the porn and the emotional cheating on you? This is a very tough call you got. You can seek professional help but I am sure they can't correct this issue. He has to give it up like he was smoking a lot, but in this case is his porn addition is really serious, HUGE RED FLAG! Edited June 4, 2016 by coolheadal 3
elaine567 Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 I wouldn't marry this guy if I was you. He's have so much fun with his porn and also sending parts of him out to other woman. Make sure it's woman? He sent the pics of his erect junk to a bisexual guy. #51
Sweetgirl28 Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 I'm very sorry to hear about this story. I can only imagine the emotional panic and trauma this is causing you since it's not only about the guy but also about the life you have been leading with him. Whether he sent these pictures to a bi guy or 1,000 women online is quite irrelevant. The very fact that he went out of his way to take such pictures at all and possibly post them online should be a big red flag. As a woman, you are blessed with a gut feeling. Is this the life you envision for yourself? Being with an otherwise perfect gentleman that turns into a pervert behind closed doors? Think about it! If he is already exploring the concept of group sex before you're married, what is he going to do after 1 year, 5 years, 20 years down the line? Yes, he may be the whole package but you don't want to deal with this. Other than that, I'm sorry to see you have already confronted him. You could have used this info as a source of manipulation in order to get him out of your life by kicking him out bit by bit. This is not possible now, so you'll have to make it quick now.
VeveCakes Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 Sorry OP I do think he is a psycho. Imhaving just recently gone through something similar that ended terribly, I can tell you it doesn't matter how trained or good you are reading people these types of people will blind ANYBODY. Does your bf have mood swings? Strange apetite? Wake up in the middle of the night? I almost feel like he may be on drugs... There is 0 reason you should stay in this relationship. Home, job, nothing. 1
BlueIris Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 … There's never a good time to step in crap, but this is really terrible timing - I have to start a new job on Monday, have a VERY important career-determining exam in two weeks, and we just sent out wedding save-the-dates two days ago. How funny. Anyways, I need to try and get my head straight and focus on my career, or I will blow everything. … That’s really good. Maintain your flow of energy and heart into the other parts of your life that provide challenge and fulfillment. Balance and big-picture perspective help in making good decisions.
Cherryz Posted June 5, 2016 Posted June 5, 2016 That's a mother-child relationship. What kind of happiness can you find in a relationship where you have to police your partner. He broke the seal of trust, he's out. He's not a husband or the father of her children, he's a boyfriend and a bad one. - OUT. Haha, Its not. OP said she not know how to deal with this. So my advice was more thinking that he will deny or not tell right away what is going on.(which happens alot in such situations). Beside there is nothing wrong with not being naive and with stand up for yourself and draw a line that one should not cross and telling the consequences for it. And follow true. "Beside men are just like kids. hahaha:p joke!" And keeping a eye on him is to not waste years and also be naive and get surprised again. And since its something going on on the computer, you can see if he is taking it serious. Reading other posts it seem like OP added more information to this that make it more alarming. If its like im reading in other posts then she should for sure break up with him right away and dont take him back.
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 5, 2016 Posted June 5, 2016 I really think that there are always signs, that this is not the first one out of the "perfect relationship". I never quite buy that someone was a consistently perfect boyfriend/fiance and then completely out of the blue you discover that he leads a double life or was cheating for years - I am not talking just about you OP but all the stories similar to this. There are warning signs and subtle inconsistencies that are not hard to spot if you look closely enough. I get how people like that can fool the community, or co-workers or even friends. But if you are truly close to your partner and have been together for a while, it really doesn't seem possible to me that you just completely miss to see something like this coming. I get this feeling of deep sadness when I read between the lines of your posts and get the sense that you are going to stay with him. What a loss of some of the best years of your life...and something that's completely unnecessary too. 5
NIGHT1985 Posted June 5, 2016 Posted June 5, 2016 Ouch. Yea this relationship needs to end. Judging from your post though, it seems like you'll give him a chance, which will be a mistake
yellowhibiscus Posted June 5, 2016 Posted June 5, 2016 OP- there's been a lot of great advice given to you that I think you should listen to. I think the biggest issue here is that this man put YOUR HEALTH at risk. Cheating is horrible on any accounts but this man was soliciting sex from STRANGERS on the internet......he may give you any excuse in the book and apologize until he turns blue but really, you need to get yourself an STD screening and run the hell away as fast as you can. This is not a caring person. This is a sick and completely self absorbed individual.
katiegrl Posted June 5, 2016 Posted June 5, 2016 It would be nice to get an update from the OP. Although if she has decided to stay with him (my fear) ..... she is prob afraid to come back. Wish her well......
NIGHT1985 Posted June 5, 2016 Posted June 5, 2016 It would be nice to get an update from the OP. Although if she has decided to stay with him (my fear) ..... she is prob afraid to come back. Wish her well...... If she does, she'll be back in the next year. There's no way that relationship will last 1
Buddhist Posted June 5, 2016 Posted June 5, 2016 (edited) I never quite buy that someone was a consistently perfect boyfriend/fiance and then completely out of the blue you discover that he leads a double life or was cheating for years - I am not talking just about you OP but all the stories similar to this. There are warning signs and subtle inconsistencies that are not hard to spot if you look closely enough. There are early signs, but the trouble is in the timeline they occur they are benign enough that you are motivated to overlook them. In my case..... - He cancelled a date last minute, I should have left it there in hindsight. At the time though I was looking at my dream partner, I was motivated to give it a chance rather than have a knee-jerk reaction. - He was a spender, no savings. Oh well I thought I'm good with money I can teach him to save. A year later I discover he had $35,000 in credit card debt (his parents had paid off) and still owed $10,000 in interest. The bad with money is a bigs heads up this guy has poor impulse control, in ALL aspects of his life. Poor impulse control is a major trait of people with personality disorders. - We had a minor tiff that resulted in his displaying an explosive kind of anger that was short lived but frightening at the time. I only saw it once, it should have been enough to realise that displays of dominance was how he intended to control the relationship. This is also a major trait of people with personality disorders. - He had a misfortune at work and lost his job. This was the swiss cheese story I was talking about. The situation didn't really make sense at the time, even to my own mind. But he explained it away. Turns out he just quit his job so it was harder for me to see what he was up to. My workplace was close to his. He took another job farther away and proceeded to work ridiculous hours that also didn't make sense. In my relationship those events were spread out over long months and the time in-between was heavenly. He told me how much he loved me, blah, blah, blah. We were future planning. It's all distraction. When you think back you'll also realise he's made off-hand comments that at the time seemed innocuous or like jokes, but they were actually him telling you, bold as brass what he's been up to. This is also another trait of people with personality disorders, they can't contain their dupers delight and they get a kick out of telling you about themselves to your face and you not believing it. The trouble is, this guy has reached right into her childhood and presented her with her white picket fence dream. That dream is now larger and more powerful in her mind than the reality she is facing. They are the golden couple, the ones that all her friends and family are looking at in admiration. Hence the rationalisation, and resistance to doing what she knows she really should do, which is run. She has a little girl inside, believing in this dream. There's that ever present voice in her head that says....don't ruin it all. Edited June 5, 2016 by Buddhist 4
tinkerbell16 Posted June 5, 2016 Posted June 5, 2016 There are early signs, but the trouble is in the timeline they occur they are benign enough that you are motivated to overlook them. In my case..... - He cancelled a date last minute, I should have left it there in hindsight. At the time though I was looking at my dream partner, I was motivated to give it a chance rather than have a knee-jerk reaction. - He was a spender, no savings. Oh well I thought I'm good with money I can teach him to save. A year later I discover he had $35,000 in credit card debt (his parents had paid off) and still owed $10,000 in interest. The bad with money is a bigs heads up this guy has poor impulse control, in ALL aspects of his life. Poor impulse control is a major trait of people with personality disorders. - We had a minor tiff that resulted in his displaying an explosive kind of anger that was short lived but frightening at the time. I only saw it once, it should have been enough to realise that displays of dominance was how he intended to control the relationship. This is also a major trait of people with personality disorders. - He had a misfortune at work and lost his job. This was the swiss cheese story I was talking about. The situation didn't really make sense at the time, even to my own mind. But he explained it away. Turns out he just quit his job so it was harder for me to see what he was up to. My workplace was close to his. He took another job farther away and proceeded to work ridiculous hours that also didn't make sense. In my relationship those events were spread out over long months and the time in-between was heavenly. He told me how much he loved me, blah, blah, blah. We were future planning. It's all distraction. When you think back you'll also realise he's made off-hand comments that at the time seemed innocuous or like jokes, but they were actually him telling you, bold as brass what he's been up to. This is also another trait of people with personality disorders, they can't contain their dupers delight and they get a kick out of telling you about themselves to your face and you not believing it. The trouble is, this guy has reached right into her childhood and presented her with her white picket fence dream. That dream is now larger and more powerful in her mind than the reality she is facing. They are the golden couple, the ones that all her friends and family are looking at in admiration. Hence the rationalisation, and resistance to doing what she knows she really should do, which is run. She has a little girl inside, believing in this dream. There's that ever present voice in her head that says....don't ruin it all. THIS.... especially the part where they will tell you straight to your face who they are... it may be in an off hand comment or in a joking manner to a buddy but it is based in truth. They are usually so off the wall comments normal rational person will brush it off because it seems so out of character for them but what it really is is a window to their deepest darkest secrets if we just paid attention. 1
Art_Critic Posted June 5, 2016 Posted June 5, 2016 It would be nice to get an update from the OP. She just posted yesterday late morning https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/583495-found-naked-photos-his-computer-3.html#post6930227 I think she said she needs to take some time to decide what to do.
katiegrl Posted June 5, 2016 Posted June 5, 2016 She just posted yesterday late morning https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/583495-found-naked-photos-his-computer-3.html#post6930227 I think she said she needs to take some time to decide what to do. I read that thanks.... I meant since then.
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