wmacbride Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 If you are a ws who is either going through the process of reconciling or did at some point in your marriage, what did you learn from the experience? Do you have any advice to share with other ws or bs or just spouses in general?
jenkins95 Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 Good idea for a thread wmac - I have a feeling that I will be contributing a lot to it. Concentrating on one aspect at a time. My first contribution - things I learned on D-day. Read on.......... My wife's reaction took me by surprise. I kind of expected her to be angry and furious, maybe to hit me and throw me out. In my affair fog, that would have made things very easy for me! I could have walked into the OWs arms with a nice shiny black eye to get maximum sympathy. But she didn't react like that (the anger did come, but a lot later). She collapsed. Mentally and physically, she broke down completely right in front of me - a shivering, crying mess. I've never seen anything like it. I was completely shocked. I learned several things in that moment: - 1. I learned that she truly loved me with all her heart. I had doubted that for a couple of years as the grind of life had caused us to drift apart. 2. I suddenly saw what I had done. This wasn't a game. This wasn't about two soul-mates who had been unfortunate enough to meet at the wrong time and that everything and everyone else should be considered collateral damage in our God given right to be together. It was about how my ridiculous selfishness had destroyed the one person who had loved and stood by me through thick and thin pretty much all my adult life and had never wronged or abused or cheated on me. I suddenly saw my affair for what it was. 3. I realised that I loved her too. I had just lost sight of it as I escaped deeper and deeper into my affair and associated fog. I knew in that instant that I wasn't going to walk away unless she threw me out (but by her reaction I didn't think she would - and thankfully she didn't). I knew that I wanted to work on and save the marriage and try to repair the awful damage. 4. I saw that she never believed that I was capable of doing this to her. Up until that point, infidelity had not been part of our domain of existence. It was something "other people" did. But I had brought it to our doorstep and as well as all the other negative emotions in the mix, I had disappointed her beyond belief. 5. I knew that something had changed forever in that moment. Something had been lost, tainted, sullied. But I also recognised that this didn't mean that we couldn't have a great marriage again. Indeed, faced with this horror, we would be forced to critically assess every aspect of our relationship and that in the long term this may make it better than ever. But what a shame that it had taken this to get us to that point. Why had we allowed ourselves to fall into a rut for so long prior to this? Another general point is that I learned to be kind and considerate when disclosing. I was a selfish idiot when I disclosed. I dumped the information on her carelessly and then basically left it down to her what to do about it - half expecting to be thrown out. I had no plan, no strategy. I didn't consider what an awful moment this would be for her. What a selfish fool. When you disclose, be prepared, be kind, have a goal, be ready for a VERY tough ride. The things the WS say in those few minutes will probably be remembered and analysed forever - get it right. 6
Author wmacbride Posted June 3, 2016 Author Posted June 3, 2016 Good idea for a thread wmac - I have a feeling that I will be contributing a lot to it. Concentrating on one aspect at a time. My first contribution - things I learned on D-day. Read on.......... My wife's reaction took me by surprise. I kind of expected her to be angry and furious, maybe to hit me and throw me out. In my affair fog, that would have made things very easy for me! I could have walked into the OWs arms with a nice shiny black eye to get maximum sympathy. But she didn't react like that (the anger did come, but a lot later). She collapsed. Mentally and physically, she broke down completely right in front of me - a shivering, crying mess. I've never seen anything like it. I was completely shocked. I learned several things in that moment: - 1. I learned that she truly loved me with all her heart. I had doubted that for a couple of years as the grind of life had caused us to drift apart. 2. I suddenly saw what I had done. This wasn't a game. This wasn't about two soul-mates who had been unfortunate enough to meet at the wrong time and that everything and everyone else should be considered collateral damage in our God given right to be together. It was about how my ridiculous selfishness had destroyed the one person who had loved and stood by me through thick and thin pretty much all my adult life and had never wronged or abused or cheated on me. I suddenly saw my affair for what it was. 3. I realised that I loved her too. I had just lost sight of it as I escaped deeper and deeper into my affair and associated fog. I knew in that instant that I wasn't going to walk away unless she threw me out (but by her reaction I didn't think she would - and thankfully she didn't). I knew that I wanted to work on and save the marriage and try to repair the awful damage. 4. I saw that she never believed that I was capable of doing this to her. Up until that point, infidelity had not been part of our domain of existence. It was something "other people" did. But I had brought it to our doorstep and as well as all the other negative emotions in the mix, I had disappointed her beyond belief. 5. I knew that something had changed forever in that moment. Something had been lost, tainted, sullied. But I also recognised that this didn't mean that we couldn't have a great marriage again. Indeed, faced with this horror, we would be forced to critically assess every aspect of our relationship and that in the long term this may make it better than ever. But what a shame that it had taken this to get us to that point. Why had we allowed ourselves to fall into a rut for so long prior to this? Another general point is that I learned to be kind and considerate when disclosing. I was a selfish idiot when I disclosed. I dumped the information on her carelessly and then basically left it down to her what to do about it - half expecting to be thrown out. I had no plan, no strategy. I didn't consider what an awful moment this would be for her. What a selfish fool. When you disclose, be prepared, be kind, have a goal, be ready for a VERY tough ride. The things the WS say in those few minutes will probably be remembered and analysed forever - get it right. Thanks for the reply. I know each ws will have different views. I remember wondering, in the aftermath of my H 's affair, what was going through his mind. His behavior was just so different from any that he'd shown before. I've aksed him a few times what it was like for him, and though he does try his best to answer, it was a really stressful time for him and he's told me he can't clearly recall as his thoughts were so muddled. I expect that a ws might have different answers as they go through the process of detaching form the affair. It will also depend on the extent of the affair and whether or not a strong emotional attachment was formed between the ws and their ap. Everyso often, my ws and I talk about that time in our marriage, and I know he still feels bad that it happened. When I think about it, being a former ws does define who he is, but not in a bad way. He was able to use it an a impetus to learn more about himslef and it's part of what makes him who he is today. A great husband and father whom I love very much. I fully expect your wife will feel the same way:)
jenkins95 Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 What a great post - a lovely, encouraging way of looking at things. And thank you for that kind thought! It's a long road, but we are going in the right direction. I'm so glad that things are going well for you both too! Thanks for the reply. I know each ws will have different views. I remember wondering, in the aftermath of my H 's affair, what was going through his mind. His behavior was just so different from any that he'd shown before. I've aksed him a few times what it was like for him, and though he does try his best to answer, it was a really stressful time for him and he's told me he can't clearly recall as his thoughts were so muddled. I expect that a ws might have different answers as they go through the process of detaching form the affair. It will also depend on the extent of the affair and whether or not a strong emotional attachment was formed between the ws and their ap. Everyso often, my ws and I talk about that time in our marriage, and I know he still feels bad that it happened. When I think about it, being a former ws does define who he is, but not in a bad way. He was able to use it an a impetus to learn more about himslef and it's part of what makes him who he is today. A great husband and father whom I love very much. I fully expect your wife will feel the same way:)
Lady Hamilton Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 Our reconciliation period was very brief. Neither of us wanted it really, but we felt we had to. Like we owed it to family and friends, I guess. It was the "done thing." He realized a lot, a lot of the things I had felt that I'd expressed over the years finally "clicked" for him. He was a very domineering personality, not abusive or anything, but very much a "my way or the highway" kind of guy who, if it didn't apply to him or he said it wasn't his problem, wouldn't bother with it. He admitted things that I had been arguing about for awhile, chiefly that he treated me like a child and not an equal, and he didn't realize it until my affair. When he saw the dynamic I had with my AP, he got it. What I was looking for. And when he made the peace offerings, even knowing what I needed and what I was looking for. He had no idea what to offer, and he knew that. He did his best, but it wasn't enough. I didn't even begin to know where to go to start thinking of a middle ground. I was just lost. We both realized together, though, that was how he was and he wasn't going to change. And I wasn't going to change either, I'd never be Ok with that dynamic. So it just all kind of... Fell into place. We could finally say that we knew what the problems were and that's when we both became ok with being honest with everybody else and just moving on with our lives. It was a relief for both of us. He went on to marry somebody who was a good match for him, and the same with me. A lot of that is because the brief R we could finally admit what exactly was wrong and what exactly we were in a relationship in the context of other people.
Author wmacbride Posted June 4, 2016 Author Posted June 4, 2016 Our reconciliation period was very brief. Neither of us wanted it really, but we felt we had to. Like we owed it to family and friends, I guess. It was the "done thing." He realized a lot, a lot of the things I had felt that I'd expressed over the years finally "clicked" for him. He was a very domineering personality, not abusive or anything, but very much a "my way or the highway" kind of guy who, if it didn't apply to him or he said it wasn't his problem, wouldn't bother with it. He admitted things that I had been arguing about for awhile, chiefly that he treated me like a child and not an equal, and he didn't realize it until my affair. When he saw the dynamic I had with my AP, he got it. What I was looking for. And when he made the peace offerings, even knowing what I needed and what I was looking for. He had no idea what to offer, and he knew that. He did his best, but it wasn't enough. I didn't even begin to know where to go to start thinking of a middle ground. I was just lost. We both realized together, though, that was how he was and he wasn't going to change. And I wasn't going to change either, I'd never be Ok with that dynamic. So it just all kind of... Fell into place. We could finally say that we knew what the problems were and that's when we both became ok with being honest with everybody else and just moving on with our lives. It was a relief for both of us. He went on to marry somebody who was a good match for him, and the same with me. A lot of that is because the brief R we could finally admit what exactly was wrong and what exactly we were in a relationship in the context of other people. I sounds to me like you and your ex both had to know you had doe your best to embrace your marriage to know that it couldn't' work and you could let go.
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 Reconciliation is a process...one day at a time...one step at a time My husband and i have been in reconciliation 33 years. We will continue to be reconciling until the day we die. There are many things to learn about reconciliation especially as a recovering wayward. First...it takes a great deal of time to understand what true remorse is....and all betrayed spouses want and need true remorse to assure them that the wayward understands what they have done. It is not enough to be sorry.... you have to truly understand the pain you have caused...and everything encompassed in that pain. It is not an easy process...it took me many years. It is important that you understand how to make your betrayed spouse feel safe. Until they can experience safety...there is no chance for forgiveness. It has taken me years to reestablish trust. I immediately became transparent after my brief affair....I became accountable...I accepted responsibility. But rebuilding trust....is difficult at best. Even all these years later...I think my husband has some degree of fear....fear that i will once again destroy his world. Having the one person you trust...destroy everything you believe in....understanding that the one person who vowed to have your back in good times and bad...abandoned and betrayed you in the worst possible way...is difficult to overcome. I have learned what remorse is...I have learned that forgiveness is a gift...I have learned that reconciliation is a process that takes a lifetime...I have come to understand that there are certain things in life that we can never undo...never give back...and never get over. Infidelity is a permanent scar on a relationship...it cannot be undone...and that reality is sobering. But in all of this sadness...there is hope. Love can endure...can rekindle....can overcome. Marriages can grow and prosper...relationships can deepen. I love my husband more than i have ever loved him... I understand the gift he has given to me... 1
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