meinherzbrennt Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 Hi all, 2 years ago, I met the girl of my dreams. We were having the perfect relationship. If there would be ever the one for me, she is that person. I got a great job opportunity in a foreign land and thought that this would be the best option for both of us and our future family in the long run and took the job. Before leaving, I proposed her and she said yes. Our plan was to get married in one year. At this point I have to mention that our mothers did not get along very well and this bothered her. After becoming long distance, we started to have expected problems but nothing major. Finally after 6 months, I had a depression due to the loneliness, new job's stress, and the loss of a close family member. This hurt our relationship badly. We were having a conversation on facebook about what was going on in our relationship and she asked me whether I wanted to break up. I never thought of breaking up with this perfect girl ending this dream relationship however in that moment of weakness and desperation I told her that even though I love her so much, maybe it would be the best thing. After that conversation I felt a relaxation for not too long. She was calling me and I did not know what to tell, I was regretful and in a lot of confusion so I talked to her in a cold mood, several times I could not pick up the phone because I was in a meeting. Couple of weeks later with no contact, I got back my senses and noticed what I was about to lose. Immediately I tried to reach out to her. We started to talk again. I knew this was my mistake and I had to put a lot of effort to fix what I broke. Even though we were long distance, I tried to build the relationship from scratch. It was not going bad and we have become friends again. 4 months after this incident, I visited her and we had our intimate moments for a month. I told her that I never stopped loving her and she will always be the one for me. She asked me to not to make any long term plans and see how things will work out and I said fine. After this awesome month, I left the country and we became long distance again. We were talking over the phone, skype and whatsapp. We were always in communication and did not lose contact. Then after 3 months, she found a new job, which made her very happy as the job was very promising with a high salary. Right after she started working at this new job, she sent me an email saying that she could not forget that I broke up with her, she could not forgive me, the problem with our mother would never get resolved and she doesn't see a future for us. She told me that she wants to open a blank page for herself with this new job and asked me to end our relationship. At that moment, my whole world collapsed. I tried to call her, convince her, send her emotional emails. Nothing helped. She was decisive. I asked her million times whether she stopped loving me, and she said she loved me but she couldn't forgive me. This made me think that there was still hope. I decided to work on improving myself to prove her that I was honest and sincere in my regret and a new person who would not break her trust again. I attended therapy sessions to notice my flaws, worked on those, started to exercise and lost 20lbs, and replaced my wardrobe. Meanwhile on and off I called her to talk about what I was doing to signal her that I care and trying to fix things. Then 1.5 months after her email couple of weeks ago, I visited her appearing at her door with some gifts, and a song that I wrote for her. She liked everything I did and her face showed her happiness however she told me that she could not trust me ever again (which I really cannot understand). Though, she did not try to get rid of me, instead we spent the night together. This gave me hope and I did not give up on our relationship. I visited her again and similar things happened. However this time instead of having conversations with a negative mood, I prepared breakfast for her, watched movies like a couple, spent time together like a couple and again had intimate times. I started to think that things are going great until when she sent me a message saying that we should not see each other ever again. A friend of mine, who knows both of us told me that she is just confused and I should not give up. So I bought two festival tickets and visited her. This time she did not let me into her apartment. I felt terrible and was about to leave, when she called me and invited me upstairs to talk. She told me the same things, that I broke up with her and she cannot trust me and I told her how regretful I am and if I was sentenced for my crime, I would already have fulfilled my penalty long time ago. However this conversation did not end well but I left the two tickets at her door and left. When she found those two tickets, she told me about it and asked me to go with her but just as friends. I said ok and we went to this festival together. I bought all the nice desserts she liked and she was instantly happy. We spent an amazing day together like a real couple. It was like one of those early days of our relationship with lots of touching and kissing. After the festival, I gave her a ride back to her place and she invited me to spend the night together. We did that. This made me again think that everything is back on the right track. I wanted to confirm it with another gesture. I printed out 100 photos from our relationship, prepared a nice photo album and took it to her place as a surprise. We had a nice dinner, a great conversation, during which she mentioned that I should give up on her. At that moment I told her she means the world to me and there is nothing else in this world that is more important. I gave her the photo album and told her that if she does not want to be in a relationship with me, it is best for both of us not to stay friends. She agreed and after some silence she started blaming me for breaking up with her almost a year ago. It has been 3 days since I have not contacted her. It feels like I am constantly dying without any hope of getting any better. I do not only think but absolutely know that she is the one for me. I let her alone to give her some opportunity to look at the photos I printed out, think about how much I love her, and miss our wonderful relationship. She is the only person in this world that I can sacrifice my everything without any hesitation. I do not know what is right or wrong at this moment and need some advice. Is there any chance that I can win back this girl? Thanks. 1
PegNosePete Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 Dude. How many times does she have to tell you "no" before you get the message?? No, there is no hope here. 3
smudge21 Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 As much as you feel guilty for that first breakup, there's two people here and if she truly loved you, she would surely understand the reasons for what you did. It seems to me like she's constantly now using that as an excuse to keep you hanging on; bringing you in when she feels like it, but then digging up the past (a past she originally forgave you for by taking you back) when she wants you out. You're spending all your time thinking about her feelings and how you've hurt her, but what about you? This is hurting you and your feelings matter just as much as hers do. The fact it's all you making all the effort, doing all the work, and all she's doing is playing with your emotions. If she truly loved you, then it wouldn't be like this. You need to stop with the chasing and stand your ground. You have served your time for that mistake, and she did take you back afterwards. You can't forgive someone then use it against them later. You need to be honest with yourself about what you want, and then be honest with her. This will go on for aslong as you allow it to. 1
privategal Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 Sometimes after your best efforts it is time to let go, to cut it all off and heal and move on knowing you tried your best. In the end it will likely be her feeling regret and sorrow for not accepting the numerous efforts and apologies. That doesnt matter though. You cannot keep on with all of this. Its over and I think you deserve better. You are a good guy and your initial decision to break up was right for you and was still the best decision you could make at the time given your circumstances and all you were going through. I dont think its her forgiveness you need but rather your own. Let her move on and you start over. I can see you doing really well in life and being so happy once you seperate yourself from all this drama. Best to you! 1
juniorrocha Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 Hell, dude, after all that spoiling even I want to date you now. lol Just kidding. Anyway, you should start NC. After a year she's still thinking about the one time you broke up with her. Soon enough you'll get tired of that. If she can't forgive you, then let go, you seem to be a cool guy, you'll be fine. hehe
Orion39 Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 My initial thought after reading your post is, if she is still willing to hold something against you that happened one year ago, how many times will she continue to do things such as this if you end up with her? Is this something you could live with? Based on the issue of her not letting it go and the multiple times she has said "no", I would move on. Maybe one day it will work out, but it will not because of anything you say or do, it will be on her terms. As painful as it is, it is time to respect her request and walk away. 1
Author meinherzbrennt Posted June 4, 2016 Author Posted June 4, 2016 Hello friends, Thank you very much for all the opinions and support. Tomorrow I am going to break the NC for the first and last time. I wrote her a very long letter talking about the last days that we have gone through and the life that I dream about for both of us. I do not have very high hopes but there is a very tiny chance that she missed me and appreciated all the effort. I will leave the letter at her door and ask her to meet me at the location where we fell for each other. Even though the outcome is predictable, I will update here tomorrow. If it ends up badly, I will go NC and try to heal hoping for the best for the two of us. Thanks again!
Satu Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 Hello friends, Thank you very much for all the opinions and support. Tomorrow I am going to break the NC for the first and last time. I wrote her a very long letter talking about the last days that we have gone through and the life that I dream about for both of us. I do not have very high hopes but there is a very tiny chance that she missed me and appreciated all the effort. I will leave the letter at her door and ask her to meet me at the location where we fell for each other. Even though the outcome is predictable, I will update here tomorrow. If it ends up badly, I will go NC and try to heal hoping for the best for the two of us. Thanks again! You can't make her want you. Her mind is made up. Here is a clipping from my journal: "There is nothing you can do to make her come back if she doesn't of her own free will want to. Not long letters of apology. Not tears. Not begging and pleading. Not buying roses. Not 'fighting for the relationship.' Not writing poems. Etc... Leave her totally alone. Do nothing. No contact."
Unsur Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 I'm really sorry that you are going through this! I just wanted to give a different view point because I kind of understand where your ex might be coming from. My ex finished with me a year ago (and once before that a couple of years ago) we eventually got back together but I was always on the edge of my seat. I couldn't trust him, every time we got close again I'd be thinking that he was just going to leave me. I thought about it all the time and could never just let it go. It didn't matter how much time passed or how much he tried to convince me that he wouldn't leave me, I just couldn't believe him. Its probably a good thing too... because a year later we broke up for the last time. Obviously I contributed to that because I couldn't trust him but I wish that I hadn't even got back together with him in the first place! I'm not saying the two situations are alike but I wanted you to know that just because you think she should have got past you breaking up with her doesn't mean she could. It can really damage any trust and no matter what you say/do, you won't be able to fix it. I think you should now give her some space, you've been pretty persistent and it hasn't worked out for you. Give her a month or two and then try reaching out but if she still says no you need to let her go. Whilst you are NC, try working on yourself. Reach out to old friends, gain some new hobbies and think long and hard whether you even want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't trust you.
Author meinherzbrennt Posted June 5, 2016 Author Posted June 5, 2016 Hi everyone, First of all thanks for the two new responses. I have a very interesting feedback from my attempt. In the letter I wrote to her, I invited her to the place that we fell in love. I went there and waited for her for an hour and she did not show up. Then I went to her place to ask her why she has not showed up. I can hear all of you saying "come on dude, give it up already". Well, my persistence kind of gave its reward. The girl who has been refusing to resolve our problems insisting that we have no future together offered me to go to couple's therapy. I see this a big step forward indicating that she wants to solve our problems. She also admitted that she has been stalking my online activity. We will do 1-2 sessions of couple's therapy and hopefully will be at a much better stage in our relationship. I will definitely update this thread as this might give some people dealing with similar problems an alternative point of view. I'll let you know if this will end up positively or negatively (hopefully positively). Thanks again for all of your support and opinions.
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