Jump to content

My boyfriend's family doesn't approve of me because of my cultural background?

MEOrtega

By MEOrtega
in Dating

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

MEOrtega Member

MEOrtega

Posted
Posted

Hi everyone,

 

I won't really say this is a serious issue but it's been bothering me for awhile.

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 10 months and we're both very much in love and very happy but I don't think some of his family approve because I'm not from the same cultural background as him. His mom has been great and I think she really likes me, she's very welcoming and talks to me. His dad seems quiet but he does make some conversation with me.

 

My boyfriend is Arabic, he was born here in America though as was his mom who is Palestinian but she grew up here. His father is from Jordan. I myself was born in America as well, but I'm of Mexican and Spanish (Spain) descent.

So far I think his aunts and uncles like me, they're always very friendly and talk to me and make me feel welcome.

 

It's his grandparents I'm iffy about... While they were always good to me and say hi and sometimes talk to me I don't think they approve of me because I'm not Arabic. My boyfriend tells me they always tell him that they're going to take him overseas to find a wife. There was also a time where there was a convention going on where there were all Arabs and his grandmother made a comment that why doesn't he go find a nice wife or girlfriend while he was there.

 

I know we're not thinking of marriage anytime soon but we really both love each other and are very serious about our relationship. It just hurts when he tells me these things knowing that even if it does lead down to that road that they'll never approve because of where my parents come from. I really don't know how I should deal with this is really why I'm posting it.

Shanex Established Member

Shanex

Posted
Posted

Yes this sound more like ranting than an actual question. Are older people more bigoted than Youngs? Maybe it's best I don't walk on this minefield. My 2 cents is they are more bothered about the fact that you aren't a Muslim than the fact you're from a different ethnicity (Mexican here), because ''racially speaking'' Arabs and Latinos share a Mediterranean look.

 

At least it's good that some people will acknowledge that not only white people can be racist.

 

Good luck, your story and yourself seem sincere.

  • Like 1
Buddhist Established Member

Buddhist

Posted
Posted

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 10 months and we're both very much in love and very happy.

 

Great! No need to start fussing about the inlaws yet you've only been together months, not years.

 

It's his grandparents I'm iffy about... My boyfriend tells me they always tell him that they're going to take him overseas to find a wife. There was also a time where there was a convention going on where there were all Arabs and his grandmother made a comment that why doesn't he go find a nice wife or girlfriend while he was there.

 

So it's not even his immediate parents but the extremely old fashioned grandparnets? Seriously you are making something out of nothing here. The boy is American with modern parents who have no dislike of you.

 

Now I know you think this is an extremely important relationship and going somewhere, and who knows? Maybe it is. But why don't you let him deal with that when and IF such things actually become a problem?

 

It just hurts when he tells me these things knowing that even if it does lead down to that road that they'll never approve because of where my parents come from. I really don't know how I should deal with this is really why I'm posting it.

 

My other thought here is, and you probably won't like this, is why is he telling you this? Is it because he doesn't want you getting marriage idea's in your head? That's extremely likely. He may just be preparing you for a decision he has already made, that while he loves you now he's not ready for any kind of commitment like that.

  • Like 2
SammySammy Established Member

SammySammy

Posted
Posted

The grandparents may have legitimate concerns.

 

In some cases, this young man would not be allowed to marry you unless you converted to Islam. Are you willing to convert to Islam? Not just for the wedding, but are you willing to live your life as a Muslim?

 

Also, some Christians consider the oath you take to convert to Islam (Testimony of Faith or Shahada) to be blasphemy. Which has its own implications if you're a Christian.

 

Some people take religion seriously. It might be a good idea to investigate further before getting deeply involved with someone who may have strong opinions about religion. Or whose influential family members have strong opinions about religion.

  • Like 2
trolloperative Established Member

trolloperative

Posted
Posted

She didn't mention religion. For all we know they may both be muslim or both christian.

 

If his parents are ok with it i wouldn't worry about the grandparents.

  • Like 2
JS84 Established Member

JS84

Posted
Posted
The grandparents may have legitimate concerns.

 

In some cases, this young man would not be allowed to marry you unless you converted to Islam. Are you willing to convert to Islam? Not just for the wedding, but are you willing to live your life as a Muslim?

 

Also, some Christians consider the oath you take to convert to Islam (Testimony of Faith or Shahada) to be blasphemy. Which has its own implications if you're a Christian.

 

Some people take religion seriously. It might be a good idea to investigate further before getting deeply involved with someone who may have strong opinions about religion. Or whose influential family members have strong opinions about religion.

 

Not all Arabs are Muslims. Most of the ones I know are Christians. Their concerns might not have anything to do with religion anyway.

 

I wouldn't worry too much about the grandparents. As long as the BF (and his opinion matters most), the parents, and everyone else is okay you're probably good.

  • Like 1
Emilia Established Member

Emilia

Posted
Posted

They are grandparents, they will die soon enough. Don't worry about it

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

The chance that he is a Muslim is pretty high, both Palestine and Jordan are predominantly Muslim countries.

Being Muslim is a serious business most of the time, it is not just a tick in the religion box. Islam is a code of life which governs the Muslim's spiritual life, intellectual life, personal life, family life, social life, economical life, political life and international life. It is all encompassing. and that includes marriage.

 

It is not unknown for some Muslim men growing up the "sinful West" to adopt its ways and have non Muslim gfs, even long live-in relationships, but some will then unceremoniously dump these women when it is time to marry. Family and community pressures and the need to find the "right" woman and to do the "right" thing means they may even accept an arranged marriage to a young, pure, virgin Muslim girl from "back home".

The attitudes of the grand parents may seem "backward" and non inclusive but when the chips are down, some Muslim men just want their kids to grow up as "proper" Muslims and having a non Muslim wife just complicates things, especially if she is not going to accept her kids growing up as Muslims.

 

I have no idea if this man is indeed Muslim, but if he is, then the grandparents may not be the only fly in the ointment here.

I am not saying Muslim men never marry non Muslims, but be aware and be careful before getting in too deep.

  • Like 4
kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted

I think your issue really depends upon how seriously he considers your relationship--like if he sees it going the distance to marriage. For him, your relationship might be something "right now", but when the times does come for him to settle down, he may do as his family wishes and marries an Arab girl because culturally, she already knows what's up.

 

And unless you convert to Islam, you probably will never gain the approval of his grandparents--and they revere their grandparents in that culture and understand what is expected of them. Not so much with most people in the US--and you will see that by the responses you get from westerners.

 

I say enjoy what you have now, but don't look to this going all the way to marriage--he most likely will not defy his family's honor by marrying a western, non-Muslim woman, sorry to say.

PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

Posted
Posted (edited)
In some cases, this young man would not be allowed to marry you unless you converted to Islam. Are you willing to convert to Islam? Not just for the wedding, but are you willing to live your life as a Muslim?

But that door swings both ways. Why should she convert to satisfy the rules of his religion? Why doesn't he convert to a non-Muslim? Then he is free to marry whomever he likes. If his religion is the more restrictive one that is causing the problems then surely it makes more sense for him to change to a less restrictive one, rather than her changing to a more restrictive one in order to satisfy some rule or other.

 

I had a similar situation some years ago. My girlfriend at the time had a friend visit who was a devout Catholic, and thought my gf was one too, and we couldn't get married because I wasn't. She was getting all excited, telling me how I would need to get inducted into Catholicism for the wedding. I responded quite harshly, with (1) WHAT wedding? and (2) I have no intention of converting to Catholicism, if we did decide to get married at some point then we could quite easily do it at a registry office.

Edited by PegNosePete
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted
But that door swings both ways. Why should she convert to satisfy the rules of his religion? Why doesn't he convert to a non-Muslim? Then he is free to marry whomever he likes. If his religion is the more restrictive one that is causing the problems then surely it makes more sense for him to change to a less restrictive one, rather than her changing to a more restrictive one in order to satisfy some rule or other.

 

Leaving the Muslim faith is often not that easy.

https://news.vice.com/video/rescuing-ex-muslims-leaving-islam

PrettyEmily77 Established Member

PrettyEmily77

Posted
Posted

The OP made zero references to religion, only to cultural backgrounds + mixed cultural background issues come in all shapes and sizes - my father's English and my mum is French, and even that created contentions with both my paternal and maternal grand-parents, so reducing it to religion + stereotyping Middle-Eastern people is quite a leap.

 

OP, your BF might not even care about what his grandparents think (which sounds likely, given you got introduced to his family so it's not like your relationship has been kept a secret Romeo and Juliet-style) or, like Buddhist says, he's gently preparing you for the fact that he has no real intentions of taking your relationship to marriage territory, or he may even just be preparing you for possible problems should you get that far.

 

If it bothers you, take it up with him in a non-confrontational way, eg. asking him how he values his grandparents' input in his life in general.

mikeylo Established Member

mikeylo

Posted
Posted

I guess he is using this thing to prepare you for a future break up as he doesn't see you long term. Inter religion , inter culture relationships happen all the time. If the two people involved are happy , the older people usually accept it, after a while if not initially.

trolloperative Established Member

trolloperative

Posted
Posted

The OP might be Muslim. There are more Hispanic Muslims than Arab Muslims. Still there would be a cultural issue for the grandparents. However IMO if his parents (and their generation, i.e. aunts uncles, etc.) are accepting of her then that trumps the grandparents. Palestinians are generally more accepting than other Middle-Easterners.

SugarLips72 Established Member

SugarLips72

Posted
Posted

Is he Muslim? If he is that is going to be an issue if you do not convert.

 

 

This can change everything. Have you 2 talked about religion at all?

 

 

If he is Muslim does he expect you to eventually convert?

Shanex Established Member

Shanex

Posted
Posted (edited)
The chance that he is a Muslim is pretty high, both Palestine and Jordan are predominantly Muslim countries.

Being Muslim is a serious business most of the time, it is not just a tick in the religion box. Islam is a code of life which governs the Muslim's spiritual life, intellectual life, personal life, family life, social life, economical life, political life and international life. It is all encompassing. and that includes marriage.

 

It is not unknown for some Muslim men growing up the "sinful West" to adopt its ways and have non Muslim gfs, even long live-in relationships, but some will then unceremoniously dump these women when it is time to marry. Family and community pressures and the need to find the "right" woman and to do the "right" thing means they may even accept an arranged marriage to a young, pure, virgin Muslim girl from "back home".

The attitudes of the grand parents may seem "backward" and non inclusive but when the chips are down, some Muslim men just want their kids to grow up as "proper" Muslims and having a non Muslim wife just complicates things, especially if she is not going to accept her kids growing up as Muslims.

 

I have no idea if this man is indeed Muslim, but if he is, then the grandparents may not be the only fly in the ointment here.

I am not saying Muslim men never marry non Muslims, but be aware and be careful before getting in too deep.

 

Well put. Yes the OP didn't mention religion, however if and only if he's a Muslim it definitely matters to the family of her boyfriend. There's nothing stereotypical about that, non-Muslim Palestinian ? Plausible yet a rare breed. Not every Arab is a Muslims and vice versa, gotcha.

 

As Emilia said, they are the grandparents, ultimately they shouldn't be involved in their lives but situations like these aren't always a wonderland.

 

Well, this could veer off too religious now. Waiting for a reply from the OP.

Edited by Shanex
S_A Established Member

S_A

Posted
Posted

Gonna say it like it is. The parents, if they don't now, will end up "accepting" you, but you will never be their "preference". If you can handle that, then stay with him. If you do stay, don't try to get their parents to do more than "accept" you because that will create problems down the road. They will also notice when you are trying too hard to get them to like you (I promise you this), so don't do that either. Keep in mind that they are not obligated to do more than accept you (it sucks, but it's the truth).

 

This Muslim talk going on in the above posts is not too relevant IMO because even if you converted, you still will not be the "preferred" choice of the parents. Though converting to Islam may be required to get accepted if the parents don't accept you now.

 

I'm not Arabic, but I know how all this is going to play out. Good luck.

MissBee Established Member

MissBee

Posted
Posted

The OP said nothing about this being about Islam.

 

While many Arabs are in fact Muslim, all are not staunch, practicing Muslims, just like many people raised in Christian countries are nominally Christian but are not staunch Christians. I know many nominal Muslims, like I do Christians, Jews and Hindus. It can still very much be about cultural background here and not necessarily religion, and since the OP said nothing of religion, I'm gonna go with what she said about cultural background as religion is not the only reason folks may take issue with someone of a different culture.

 

More importantly, as someone else mentioned, why is he even sharing this and how does he share this info about his grandparents with you? His take on it is what is most important IMO, as this will tell you a lot. If he seems resigned to their opinion then it may be a warning that in the end their opinion will count and he'll never get very serious about you.

 

Also, it's his grandparents, not even his parents, so I would worry less about it, as this may end up having limited impact on your relationship. But most importantly, how HE handles it and how he takes the lead is the most telling aspect.

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...