4 years later...

[mv15]

I was around 20 years old, and she was 19 when we met. We were both immature and probably not ready for a serious relationship, yet we managed to fall head over heals for each other in the long run..

We lasted about 8 years in total.

 

The first few years consisted primarily of me being her doormat, chasing her around and jumping through hoops to keep her. She was beautiful, anyone would agree to that, but I never thought much of myself. I was young and she was my first girlfriend. We constantly fought and broke up, and went out of our way to hurt each other by going and dating (or just screwing) new people, and letting each other find out about it. It was always her who initiated the break ups. Still, we stayed together and were crazy about each other. We were inseparable, mostly because we became best friends, and in part because we didn't trust each other to be alone or apart from each other. She had her friends who would encourage her to go out and always tried to hook her up with their guys friends. This made me insecure as could be, and if she wasn't in my sight, I would just assume she was cheating on me. And by the way, she cheated on me a few times, and I did find out about it. I would cheat on her as well to "get back at her" - the idiot I was.

 

So.. after the first 4 years together, the tables somehow turned. Now, I was the one in control and doing the breaking up, making her chase me and beg to be with me. This relationship was an up and down roller coaster and just shouldn't have lasted more than a week or two, no doubt about that. We constantly fought and purposefully tried to hurt each other in every way possible.

 

Still, we loved each other. We were crazy about each other. We were together every single day, almost morning to night. We had an extremely passionate connection with each other, and we never thought we would break up. We had an amazing sex life. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. Yet, all the signs of a toxic relationship remained.

 

She was my everything. She taught me about love and what an amazing lesson that was. I was so happy with her when we were on good terms. And when we would break up for the weekend, it's like my world would end. This girl had me wrapped around her finger and I couldn't break loose even if I wanted to. I always came crawling back, just as she did.

 

Fast forward a few years later...

We got engaged and moved in together. The relationship matured and we fought less. The cheating slowed down and so did the drama. I loved her with all my heart. She turned into the girlfriend I always wanted. She matured and so did I, and things were getting better, but they were far from perfect. Then one night, I find e-mails from one of her ex boyfriends, and she denied ever seeing those e-mails because they were in the "archive" folder. I went off the deep end, we broke up again. A week after the break up, she goes and has sex with said ex boyfriend who was e-mailing her. In addition, she lets a childhood friend of mine take her out, makes out with him, and does God knows what else.. I'll never know the truth, and probably don't even want to know. There were a lot of other men in the picture. I would hear from people that they saw her out on dates, and she never denied it. This killed me. Made me feel like I would be better off dead. Destroyed me inside and out. I lost nearly 60lbs because of this break up and her actions that followed. Mind you, I wasn't an angel, I did my fair share of dirt.

 

She tore my heart out of my chest and stomped on it. I thought I was going to die from the heart ache. I couldn't sleep or eat, I couldn't think or function. I went through all sorts of phases and emotions but all in all, I wanted to be dead. I never attempted to kill myself, but instead would just pray to God to take me away so this pain could go away. I cried my eyes out, I threw up several times a day, etc. etc. etc...

 

Somehow, I managed to continue with my life and actually graduated from graduate school and bettered my life, even though none if it mattered anymore, because I did it all for us, for our future.

 

This all happened about 4 years ago. Like I said, we were together 8 years prior to this. So.. after 4 years, shouldn't I be okay now? No... I'm not. I think about her every day. Extreme sadness is all I feel when I think about her. I feel like I lost the best thing that ever happened to me. She was my world and damn, I miss her like crazy. I'm fully aware that we had a toxic relationship that couldn't possibly be any more unhealthy for each other. Still, I loved her. I tried to get her back even after I found out about everything (and everyone) she had done post break up. I didn't care. I would have coped and dealt with it. But that was no longer an option, the damage was too severe and we couldn't fix our problems. It didn't help that our families were against us being with each other. They had good reason, they saw how toxic we were for each other and how we drove each other crazy.

 

I'm not a genius but definitely am not a complete moron either. Logically, I know we weren't really right for each other. I know the relationship wasn't a healthy and loving one, especially at first. I know I could do better with someone else who would treat me with respect and dignity. So, why am I still hung up on this girl 4 years later? I dream about her 3-4 times a week. She's in my dreams, and when I wake up, it's like the break up just happened. We went from being best friends to complete strangers. It's like she's a ghost, I feel like I'm mourning the death of a loved one. I can't get her off my mind. Everything reminds me of her. Certain songs, streets, restaurants, movies and TV shows, etc..

 

A month ago I began seeing a psychiatrist and talking this problem out with her. Today we decided I should try an anti-depressant, so she prescribed me Prozac. I will start taking it tomorrow, because at this point I am desperate to feel better and just be able to be happy. Even on good days, the sadness follows when I think about her and I suddenly feel this hot/cold feeling in the pit of my stomach and in my chest. As I said, I feel like I lost the best thing that ever happened to me.

 

I left out so many details. There's so much that happened over the course of our 8 year relationship with each other. I can't emphasis enough how much I loved her, and still do. I can't describe the pain I feel when I think about the loss I took. She got engaged about a year after our break up. She got married soon after, and had a baby. I've had no contact with her what so ever. However, when she did get engaged she called me one night crying, saying she missed me and wished things happened different. That killed me, because I wanted her and still do, but we couldn't make it work and it was too late.

 

I don't know where I'm even going with this post. It's like beating a dead horse, this is old news. It's such old news that I would look like a complete nut if I even attempted to talk to friends and family about it, because it happened so long ago, and she clearly has moved on. I haven't though. I haven't been able to feel a damn thing for anyone since her. I had one girlfriend after her and it was a joke of a relationship. I felt nothing for that girlfriend and just wasted her time and mine.

 

How was she able to move on so quickly and easily? I thought we were soul mates. I can't describe the feeling she gave me everyday. It was like heaven on earth when we were on good terms, but it was also hell when we were fighting. I don't know what to think of my situation anymore. The one thing I do know for certain is that I loved her with all my heart. I made a fool of myself trying to win her back. I did things that were totally out of my character and I regret a lot of it. I literally went a little crazy and started experimenting with drugs for that first year following the break up. It helped ease the pain to be high. I thank God I didn't stick with that lifestyle. I quickly smartened up and began making better choices.

 

Here I am 4 years later still miserable and upset. Ive been depressed since. Crying a few days a week. Not wanting to do anything productive with my time or my life. Just feeling hopeless and miserable. I hope the talk therapy and prozac makes a difference. I know I'll never forget her, but I hope I can at least be happy without her one day.

 

What the fu*k happened here... I can't believe she's gone. I can't believe she never came back. My fear is that I'll never find love like hers again. I sometimes feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life that night I broke up with her after finding those stupid emails from her ex. But then I feel like she proved me right by going and screwing him right after the break up. I feel like she proved that she wasn't the one for me when she went out and let my childhood friend take her out and fooled around with him. She told him all of my secrets and humiliated me. I can't even be around that group of friends anymore because it's just embarrassing and uncomfortable for me.

 

I obviously have mixed feelings about this break up. Some days, I feel like it was for the best. But I still miss her. I still love her. She's on my mind everyday. I miss her stupid jokes, her laugh, all of her flaws.

 

Please tell me something I don't know... or whatever it is I need to hear.

Edited June 2, 2016 by mv15

[lalalandman]

Damn dude...

[gimlynick]

""She got married soon after, and had a baby. I've had no contact with her what so ever. However, when she did get engaged she called me one night crying, saying she missed me and wished things happened different. "

 

 

So cool for her husband! :sick:

 

You two have had an insane life. Your therapy and medication will help.

 

 

Listen to the professional help.

[lalalandman]

Dude she's married with a baby. Screw it. Go meet other women, in person. At least try and get out there. I think you know what medication you need, and it isn't in pill form...

[mv15]

Gimlynick: I thought about that same thing - the fact that she called me when she was engaged, and then thought about how shes not being loyal to her new fiance.

 

 

lalalandman: I'm out there man. I'm meeting new women, going on dates, trying to start something new. The problem is I just can't connect with anyone. I also find myself comparing everyone to her. I can't feel a damn thing for any other woman and I'm so sick of it. I'm hoping I just havent met the right one yet. Not to sound like a pig but Ive been with quite a few women since her. Theres no shortage of women around, yet I can't move on.

Edited June 3, 2016 by mv15

[lalalandman]

Are these relationships primarily physical? If so, you need to open up to these girls. Really, actually communicate. And no two women are the same, so stop comparing. You need to listen to what they say, reach out and touch their soul so that they feel your presence. I'm not saying you need to get serious, or expect anything serious, but just let yourself go.

[mv15]

Are these relationships primarily physical? If so, you need to open up to these girls. Really, actually communicate. And no two women are the same, so stop comparing. You need to listen to what they say, reach out and touch their soul so that they feel your presence. I'm not saying you need to get serious, or expect anything serious, but just let yourself go.

 

I've done everything you've recommended. This is part of why am so frustrated and upset. I try to form genuine relationships with them but it seems like it's only physical and can never get passed that stage. I just can't connect with anyone. I just want to be able to move on already.

[lalalandman]

Then dude if you're getting girls and nothing is materializing then maybe you're putting off a vibe. Or just keep doing what you're doing and stop putting so much emphasis on this need for a connection. Too much pressure. Enjoy being single. I don't know. Try a dungeon maybe you need pain management with whips and leather I dunno I'm out.

[mv15]

Then dude if you're getting girls and nothing is materializing then maybe you're putting off a vibe. Or just keep doing what you're doing and stop putting so much emphasis on this need for a connection. Too much pressure. Enjoy being single. I don't know. Try a dungeon maybe you need pain management with whips and leather I dunno I'm out.

 

It's me who ends things before they can actually materialize. I'm the one, not them.

 

I appreciate your feedback and your advice though. Whips and leather

 

Peace bro

[Daxter325]

I wish this would end for you my good friend. I don't even know but can understand your pain, as I am going through my different life post-split. Honestly, just make sure anything you do on a daily basis will make you a better than what you was the day before.

 

For example, do 20 push-ups one day then the next day do 22, and just keep increasing. Just by doing little things like that you're progressing. Or go learn a new word in a different language everyday. Think progress.

 

Best of luck

[mercy222]

I'm so sorry you're going thru such painful moments. I'm glad you're seeking professional help, sometimes when life and it's pressures are that overwhelming medication is needed and helpful, I think you're in the right track, keep at it. You said you prayed that God would take you but He obviously has a plan for you and is leading you in a path of restoration. I recently read an article on the focus on the family site titled 'moving forward after the pain of divorce' with lots of great insights even if you weren't married or have kids, after all you've spend most of your adult life with her, that's not easily forgotten. I pray that God gives you all you need from here on and help you become the complete, healthy and happy man that He created you to be. Good luck!!!

[tstump]

Man, I'm really sorry for what you had to go through. It seems like you've been trying to do the same thing she did, fill the void that was left when you would break up without doing any healing.

 

You want to fall in love with someone? How about trying yourself?

 

I'm 3 months removed from an 8 year relationship that ended pretty bad, not anywhere near what you went through. Went on a few dates, slept with a few other girls but coming to realize I'm nowhere near ready for that. Try setting a few goals for yourself and work towards them. Been helping me a bunch, as well as going to therapy.

 

Also, I was given a book called "How to survive the loss of a love" and found it to be EXTREMELY helpful.

 

Just thought I'd share how I've been coping, good luck out there man!

[ydb_xo]

smoke some weed man, **** the pills

[ydb_xo]

i know its really hard, and damn four years and not being able to move on ...***k...

 

my ex and I of 7 years broke up 3 months ago, and yes i also felt like there is no one out there for me and he was my soulmate. but facts are facts, he no longer wants to be with me, he wants to be with someone else.

use the facts that you have and that is enough reason to help you move on. the what ifs dont even matter anymore, thats just what they are- what ifs.

you should start thinking of yourself more, learn to love yourself more and you will depend on her love less and less.

im sure you dont enjoy living like this for four years dude, dont you want better for yourself? if you do then start acting on it, start putting it in action.

[ydb_xo]

 

Also, I was given a book called "How to survive the loss of a love" and found it to be EXTREMELY helpful.

 

Just thought I'd share how I've been coping, good luck out there man!

 

yess, reading is one of the good ways to help you better yourself, or just to understand why things are the way they are.

 

I highly recommend this book, Im almost done with it...kinda dont want to read more because i love it so much i dont want to finish it.

 

its called ~ WHAT HAPPY PEOPLE KNOW BY DAN BAKER

 

its helped me understand things a bit clearly, helped me learn more about the brain and why we think the way we do. it also has real stories of his patients he's helped. its very interesting and i find it very enlightening.

 

you should give these books a try

 

remember, you're not gonna get out of that funk until you put in work. its time to regain control of your life mann