Fatezero1 Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 What is the deal with this? Every relationship I have been in is the exact same thing. I shower women with attention, they pull away, as I pull away, they come for attention, I slowly return it after I make them work for it, than slowly shower them with attention and they pull away again. It works well and it seems like woman tend to fall deeper and deeper in love with it. It's highly annoying though. Is this a problem everyone has? Or is this just a personality thing on my end...I have heard of push/pull and hot/cold, and I kind of do it automatically out of frustration of neglect, but why is it so effective?
planb1973 Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 Its not effective for a lasting relationship. What it really is is an addiction and is setting the stage for a toxic relationship. When you shower someone with affection, though initially they love it, it sets the bar too high. It actually pushes them away because it is too much, so they withdraw. You get frustrated and back off, they miss the high part and pour it on wanting that back. Wash, rinse, repeat. You now have created something more like a drug addiction. Healthier relationships have more moderation. 3
Gloria25 Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 Can you give an example? Cuz, what one may see as "attention", another may see as "smothering" For example, you call a gal five times a week, she gets bored cuz come on, how much can you talk about besides what you did for the day if you call someone all the time? So, you noticing she's getting bored, you scale back and call three times a week. Then, she gets upset and asks if something's up. You begin calling her more (again) and it's back to her being bored out of her mind.
Buddhist Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 What is the deal with this? Every relationship I have been in is the exact same thing. I shower women with attention, they pull away, as I pull away, they come for attention, I slowly return it after I make them work for it, than slowly shower them with attention and they pull away again. It works well and it seems like woman tend to fall deeper and deeper in love with it. It's highly annoying though. Is this a problem everyone has? Or is this just a personality thing on my end...I have heard of push/pull and hot/cold, and I kind of do it automatically out of frustration of neglect, but why is it so effective? It's only effective because you are matching up with people that share your penchant for it. You are by no means describing the totality of humanity here. This could also be a case of self selection bias as in..... You shower a woman with attention she laps it up and chases you. You decide this is clingy needy behaviour and stop pursuing that woman. Move on until you find one that goes cold on you, decide she's a winner. Push/pull only exists if you BOTH participate in it.
Author Fatezero1 Posted June 3, 2016 Author Posted June 3, 2016 Can you give an example? Cuz, what one may see as "attention", another may see as "smothering" For example, you call a gal five times a week, she gets bored cuz come on, how much can you talk about besides what you did for the day if you call someone all the time? So, you noticing she's getting bored, you scale back and call three times a week. Then, she gets upset and asks if something's up. You begin calling her more (again) and it's back to her being bored out of her mind. Not like this...perfect example, I liked someone and called them once a week to a week and a half, showing them attention, or trying to hang out with them. Then eventually they start texting me everyday to every 2 days once they are comfortable. I then start calling maybe 2 times a week, and than texting them maybe 3 days a week. They than start to widen the gaps between texting, or don't speak in as much of a loving nonchalant way, instead of worrying why they are acting different, I fall back, might not hear from them 2-3 days, which at this point is irregular. They than come back telling me how much they love me, want to cuddle, hang out, blah blah. Im still a little annoyed by how funny they been acting for the last few days, so I might say something like miss you too...that sounds nice....yeah kind of busy.... Cordial comments basically. After another day or so they are so affectionate, that it gets me back to my normal self, where we begin balanced speaking again, now Im saying the I love yous, calling you them more regular...rinse and repeat...Nothing I said seems too clingy in my opinion, I never blew up their phone 5 days a week so I don't understand why this keeps happening in all my relationships? I feel like im always forced into this pull factor. However, long time it seems like it keeps them around and they fall deeper in love.
Author Fatezero1 Posted June 3, 2016 Author Posted June 3, 2016 Its not effective for a lasting relationship. What it really is is an addiction and is setting the stage for a toxic relationship. When you shower someone with affection, though initially they love it, it sets the bar too high. It actually pushes them away because it is too much, so they withdraw. You get frustrated and back off, they miss the high part and pour it on wanting that back. Wash, rinse, repeat. You now have created something more like a drug addiction. Healthier relationships have more moderation. please read my other response, I wrote an exact example of what I do, I felt like its pretty moderate and don't think im clingy at all. Even right now, im in the pull phase with my current girlfriend, and haven't had a real conversation with her in 2 days...It's always the same, she probably will contact me tonight or early tomorrow morning if I don't contact her throughout the day.
elaine567 Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 Why do you feel the need to play these games with women? Push pull is cruel and doesn't make for lasting relationships as a lot of resentment builds up and eventually they decide it is not for them - too much drama. Too many guys end up on here, so upset that they didn't treat her better and now she is gone and has someone else, and she was the "love of their life" and they are depressed and can't get over her... Treat people better.
planb1973 Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 please read my other response, I wrote an exact example of what I do, I felt like its pretty moderate and don't think im clingy at all. Even right now, im in the pull phase with my current girlfriend, and haven't had a real conversation with her in 2 days...It's always the same, she probably will contact me tonight or early tomorrow morning if I don't contact her throughout the day. Thanks for clarifying. I read your original post and got reminded of a couple past relationships that had an unhealthy amount of push/pull. You don't seem clingy. I think there is always an amount of push/pull in any relationship. But I think it needs to be a minimum and balanced. I had a long conversation with my mom who stayed married to my dad for 40 years, till he passed. And she told me that she through 40 years would sometimes feel it and sometimes not. Just a slow fade back and forth. She always loved him though, just needed her space sometimes.
Author Fatezero1 Posted June 3, 2016 Author Posted June 3, 2016 Why do you feel the need to play these games with women? Push pull is cruel and doesn't make for lasting relationships as a lot of resentment builds up and eventually they decide it is not for them - too much drama. Too many guys end up on here, so upset that they didn't treat her better and now she is gone and has someone else, and she was the "love of their life" and they are depressed and can't get over her... Treat people better. Hi I wouldn't say I play games. Games to me mean you are going out of your way to play them. That's why I said for me it happens "Naturally". Im trying to be nice. "she" pulls away first, Im actually "irritated" shes pulling back, not pretending to be, and I know when somebody wants to have space, the last thing to do is actually invade that space. That's where my pull comes from. If they would let me be me all the time, I have no need to change. However, I was trying to see if there was something I could do on my end to avoid this altogether. It's not even this girl, its literally every relationship I have been in, so it has to be something on my end lol. They aren't sure relationships either, the last one was 6 years, I was the one that ended it. This one is a little over a year, and she seems to love me a lot, but I just wish we could be on the same page...sometimes I need her while shes pulling away.
Cinnamonstix Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 It sounds like you are like women who need a lot of space or who have an avoidment attachment style. They fall deeper for you because you allow them their space when they need it, but it doesn't work for you because you didn't want that space to begin with. Subconsciously this is what you are attracted to though. How to prevent this from happening? Be aware of your tendencies in dating. Start dating people that also start to give more the more you give, in a natural, healthy and progressive way. Cut those loose that follow your usual pattern.
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