Scottyd Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 Last night, I came home 45 minutes late because I stopped at a friend's house on the way. I owed him some money and he called yesterday to ask if I could pay him back that day. I said sure, I'll stop by after work. I had only planned to be there a few minutes, but he invited me in and we sat down and caught up over a couple beers. I texted my girlfriend that I was running late, but didn't explain why. When I got home, she asked what had happened, and I told her that the guy called me out of the blue and I felt obligated because he loaned me the money when I was in a really bad place and it was kind of hanging over my head that I had not paid him back yet (it had been a few months). She exploded and told me that I cared more about my friend that I did about her, and that I should have spent the night at his house instead of coming home. I have never seen her get this mad before. She was literally screaming at me. Of course, I messed up and yelled back. Told her that was a really crazy thing to say and that I was offended. She told me that she couldn't be with someone who lied to her and that when I started yelling at her I reminded her of her abusive ex-husband. I ended up sleeping in a different room last night. I apologized to her this morning. Told her that I understood why she felt disrespected and that I would be more considerate in the future. Also told her that I loved her and last thing I wanted to do was fight, but I was really insulted by her comment that I cared more about my buddy than her. She replied that she couldn't be with some who scared her like I did last night. (This was all by text message, by the way.) I said that I was sorry and that sometimes I forget how big I am (6'3" and 230). I never meant to scare her, I was just hurt and angry. I also said that I thought our relationship was strong enough to weather a disagreement now and then, and it was really disappointing to me that she did not feel the same way. She said "I just need some time to cool off." But then she also told me where she would be watching a basketball game tonight. So....do I a) not say anything, not meet her for the game and sleep at a friend's house tonight and wait for her to call me? or b) go meet up with her and just go with the flow? I'm thinking about waiting a couple days to see what she does. I kind of get the feeling this was a s*** test and I failed the qualifying round by losing control of my temper. Any advice on how to recover?
GorillaTheater Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 I'm not sure how objectively "scary" you were; did you get in her face? Loom over her? Raise a fist? One thing I did notice is that you appeared to own your part of it and that she didn't for the nutty thing she said that set off the fireworks in the first place. Is she given to that sort of behavior/comments? 3
Author Scottyd Posted June 2, 2016 Author Posted June 2, 2016 I followed her around the house when she tried to walk away and kept arguing with her. I think that is what upset her the most. Yeah, it also bothers me that after I apologized and specifically told her WHY I acted that way, that she refused to take responsibility for her part in it. She does this, or something like this, about once a month then blames it on PMS and apologies later.
GorillaTheater Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 If she wants to cool off, I'd give her all the space she wants. After she gets back in touch, you really need to have a conversation with her about these comments she makes and your need for her to take ownership of them and, you know, maybe stop making them. I assume she has lots of good points and you're only presenting the latest crisis, but she kind of sounds like a lot of work to me. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 All of this for a 45-minute delay? This seems like an awful lot of drama for a delay that you notified her about. There's got to be more to the story than this. Was she waiting for you for a specific reason, ie to have dinner together or something? How is your relationship in general? Are there trust issues, do you have a habit of being late, is she controlling by nature? I have a feeling that providing us with more context will help us understand what is underpinning this argument. 3
Author Scottyd Posted June 2, 2016 Author Posted June 2, 2016 Yes, she made dinner and it was ready before I got home. She told me that it was a trust issue and she can't be with someone who is dishonest. I guess it was a "lie of omission" but honestly, I don't understand why it is a big deal. 1
Buddhist Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 You came home 45mins late, sent her a text and she greets you with a screaming tantrum? I would reconsider your choice of GF, that's not normal behaviour and shows she is totally self centred. 7
Purepony Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 Hmm That's odd it seems to me like she made it a big deal for no reason
Mrin Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 That is very odd behavior. I don't even see any dishonesty here. Maybe you were inconsiderate for not messaging her earlier that you were going to be late. But something doesn't add up. She sounds very high strung and controlling. I think you did your part for apologizing for losing your temper. I think it is her time to make amends for losing hers. If I were you, I wouldn't let a "sorry" leave your lips again until you see some ownership on her side. 2
hippychick3 Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 I am also so confused why she was upset over a 45 min delay when you texted her to let her know. Her anger makes no sense. How were you dishonest? If that is the full story, she has too many issues to be in a healthy relationship. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 Yes, she made dinner and it was ready before I got home. She told me that it was a trust issue and she can't be with someone who is dishonest. I guess it was a "lie of omission" but honestly, I don't understand why it is a big deal. A lie of omission...about what, exactly? What does she feel you didn't tell her? I don't follow her logic. I get being a little irritated that dinner was ready and you weren't there to enjoy it with her, but this seems like quite an over-reaction. She's angry about something but being late for dinner isn't it. She's connecting this delay to being dishonest, which to me seem like two completely separate issues. Have you two had problems with trust in the past?
Conviction Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 OP, from the story you tell, you didn't lie to her so she's making false accusations and portraying you as someone you are not. As for the "I need time to cool down", the inability to resolve conflict, coupled with the silent treatment, here's what's going to happen, book it. She's wanting you to chase, beg, and plead for forgiveness, all the while she'll "punish" you and make you squirm for awhile until you break down and take complete blame for what happened. She will in no way shape or form reflect and admit fault, in her mind, and yours as well, you were the only one who did wrong. It's narcissist really. I had an ex do the same exact thing, and of course, 99% of the arguments we had started out like yours, and ended with me days later begging for her forgiveness and me feeling like I was the only one who did anything wrong. This was a major factor in our breakup. If I were you, I wouldn't say another damn word. You've already apologized and expressed that you recognize where you went wrong, she has done neither, ball is in her court. Following that, I would also ask her to work on how you guys resolve disagreements, because I'll tell you how this one went down is not healthy and if it continues, it will be detrimental to your guys relationship. 1
LostOnes05 Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 Wow, I hope you don't drink the last of the milk...you'll really be in trouble. All this happened over text and she felt threatened?? So it's ok for her to scream at you though? Nope...I wouldn't say a word to her until she reaches out AND apologizes. She is using her past to manipulate you man and justify HER behavior. If you don't address it, her temperament will get worse and so will the accusations. Doesn't matter how big or small a person is, abusive is abusive...and well, she was being abusive. 1
kidm Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 Let me get this straight: - BF decides to pass by friend's house after work and pay back money loaned. Texted GF to let her know that he was running late. Stays for 45 minutes. - BF returns home and GF initiates shouting match. BF engages her in said shouting match - BF apologies but GF shows no remorse whatsoever for her behavior and puts entire blame on BF Please help me understand- where is the lie by omission? where is her apology for her deplorable conduct? Are we missing something here?
Author Scottyd Posted June 2, 2016 Author Posted June 2, 2016 Thanks for all of the replies. Yeah, I think this is pretty bizarre. I think she is upset about some other issue that she hasn't mentioned and picked a fight to get my attention. I hate to sound sexist, but why can't women ever say what they mean? I texted her earlier and asked if she wanted to hang out. I said I didn't know if she was still upset and needed a day or two to cool down, or if we were good. She texted back "It was really considerate of you to ask. I don't care either way." I said "Well, I do care, and I would like to see you." I got "Ok" back from her. Wtf???
basil67 Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 Thanks for all of the replies. Yeah, I think this is pretty bizarre. I think she is upset about some other issue that she hasn't mentioned and picked a fight to get my attention. I hate to sound sexist, but why can't women ever say what they mean? I texted her earlier and asked if she wanted to hang out. I said I didn't know if she was still upset and needed a day or two to cool down, or if we were good. She texted back "It was really considerate of you to ask. I don't care either way." I said "Well, I do care, and I would like to see you." I got "Ok" back from her. Wtf??? Scotty, stop grovelling. You've apologised (though you did nothing to apologise for) and the ball is now in her court. Just ignore her till she comes to you. Give her a week - if she doesn't come good in that time, end it and move on. And yeah, your comment was sexist. Your nutty girlfriend does not represent all women.
Conviction Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 Thanks for all of the replies. Yeah, I think this is pretty bizarre. I think she is upset about some other issue that she hasn't mentioned and picked a fight to get my attention. I hate to sound sexist, but why can't women ever say what they mean? I texted her earlier and asked if she wanted to hang out. I said I didn't know if she was still upset and needed a day or two to cool down, or if we were good. She texted back "It was really considerate of you to ask. I don't care either way." I said "Well, I do care, and I would like to see you." I got "Ok" back from her. Wtf??? She's punishing you dude evident from the snarky response, the fact that she "doesn't care" if you hang out or not, and the cold "ok" that you received. Note my post above, I saw this coming from a mile away. She will do this until you plead and cry for her to forgive you.
Zahara Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 Stop chasing her. She's doing a power play on you. Covert way of punishing you. Pull back and let her be. She sounds manipulative.
Buddhist Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 I hate to sound sexist, but why can't women ever say what they mean? It's only sexist if you think her behaviour is representative of all women. It isn't. She texted back "It was really considerate of you to ask. I don't care either way." I said "Well, I do care, and I would like to see you." I got "Ok" back from her. Wtf??? She is behaving like a 6yr old. Do not play into this, you are just teaching her such childish behaviour is acceptable. You know what? You should continue on with your life now as if nothing has happened. When she realises that getting pissy garners her zero attention, she will reach out then you can inform her that she needs to apologise for her own behaviour.
trippi1432 Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 Thanks for all of the replies. Yeah, I think this is pretty bizarre. I think she is upset about some other issue that she hasn't mentioned and picked a fight to get my attention. I hate to sound sexist, but why can't women ever say what they mean? I texted her earlier and asked if she wanted to hang out. I said I didn't know if she was still upset and needed a day or two to cool down, or if we were good. She texted back "It was really considerate of you to ask. I don't care either way." I said "Well, I do care, and I would like to see you." I got "Ok" back from her. Wtf??? Mars and Venus..........sigh. So go meet her and go with the flow. Women saying what they mean, so if she had said "I'm upset that you didn't let me know you were going to be late so I could plan dinner later", things would have gone differently? Really depends on the maturity level of the two people involved. And honestly, I don't put age limits on maturity, it's been my experience that you can tell a man exactly what you mean....and it's still an argument. Not rifling feathers.....just stating the obvious that communication is a necessary evil of a successful relationship. It sounds like the last communication wasn't a Wtf?, ball is in your court.
Author Scottyd Posted June 3, 2016 Author Posted June 3, 2016 I am trying to read between the lines of this, her latest text message. "I just got scared after the other night. Like something broke inside of me. I think getting away tomorrow for a day will help. I'm also stressed about money. I don't want to drag you into my problems. And I don't want to let you down. I love you and respect you too much. I don't know what to do about any of this. My heart hurts and I don't even know why."
Conviction Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 I am trying to read between the lines of this, her latest text message. "I just got scared after the other night. Like something broke inside of me. I think getting away tomorrow for a day will help. I'm also stressed about money. I don't want to drag you into my problems. And I don't want to let you down. I love you and respect you too much. I don't know what to do about any of this. My heart hurts and I don't even know why." Is there more to this story? I feel like there is. It's either that, or she is extremely immature by sending that text based solely on the fact you were 45 minutes late.
Gaeta Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 I am trying to read between the lines of this, her latest text message. "I just got scared after the other night. Like something broke inside of me. I think getting away tomorrow for a day will help. I'm also stressed about money. I don't want to drag you into my problems. And I don't want to let you down. I love you and respect you too much. I don't know what to do about any of this. My heart hurts and I don't even know why." Tell her that taking some time off to figure herself out is a good idea. She is turning the table on you and making you feel like the bad person when she's the one who had a crazy fit for nothing. Noticed how she never ever address her fit but now it's all about you scaring her. Then she goes on about her money problem, her heart hurting, her her her.
Toodaloo Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 Oh the drama... I have been way longer than 45 minutes late in the past. Get chatting to someone I haven't seen for a while and conversation goes on or see something that needs doing and think it will take less time than it actually does... She is creating drama. Perhasp if she has money worries she is expecting you to sort that out? To be honest if I were you I would keep at arms length for the time being. Just sit back and observe. This one does not like taking responsibility for herself let alone anything else does she... And yes there are women out there who can get to the point and say what they mean.
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