one_big_black_hole Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 What makes a woman want to flirt with a guy? How would the guy know it's not just friendly banter? And what, exactly, do women do to signal interest? Sadly, I'm 35 and I've never even been on a date. I've been in school and graduate school for a long time. And I work in an all male field (physicist). I know I'm attractive enough. I know I'm funny -- I did stand-up comedy and improv acting. I don't get nervous around people. I dress OK. I've got long hair and a thin build, 5'10", like a rock star. Oh yeah... I'm an asian-american guy trapped in the midwest. That kinda' sucks. I've never noticed any "signals" from a girl: no smiling, no glances, no flirting. No signs of interest at all, ever. I don't meet many women in the things I do. I play sports, but at a fairly advanced level (national tournaments and such) where there are almost no women. I go skydiving, again no women. Indoor climbing is also a mostly male sport. And when I go out, women seem to look right though me. It happens to all the guys I work with, by the way, so I know it's not primarily 'cause I'm asian. So I'd appreciate a little help in demystifying women. Thanks.
Swamp Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 Have you ever considered initiating the conversation yourself? Sadly, you have a long way to go. Experience in dating is so crucial at your age. 35 year old women are sharks when it comes to dating. They are scarred, seasoned, wounded etc. So I suggest you brace yourself incase the inevitable rejection happens, and go meet some women. It's typically the male's job to approach the female.
joel Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 man ur a physicist and u can't get a gf or date, physicist make a lot of money, you shouldn;'t be having a problem. so ur tellin me u never had a gf at 35 or even dated. i'm 24 asian male chinese guy tooand i feel like i'm out of the age. man u are what they call a late blloomer and i thought i was one. i'm trying to find a gf but ya now what wait a couple of yrs more and u'll find out most of the good ones will be taken-married or engaged. i'm a student so i kinda of lack funds to date and this and that and i have no car either and trying to find a job. but u a physicist man u gota a car a nice one too and dress nice. man whats wrong with u Originally posted by one_big_black_hole What makes a woman want to flirt with a guy? How would the guy know it's not just friendly banter? And what, exactly, do women do to signal interest? Sadly, I'm 35 and I've never even been on a date. I've been in school and graduate school for a long time. And I work in an all male field (physicist). I know I'm attractive enough. I know I'm funny -- I did stand-up comedy and improv acting. I don't get nervous around people. I dress OK. I've got long hair and a thin build, 5'10", like a rock star. Oh yeah... I'm an asian-american guy trapped in the midwest. That kinda' sucks. I've never noticed any "signals" from a girl: no smiling, no glances, no flirting. No signs of interest at all, ever. I don't meet many women in the things I do. I play sports, but at a fairly advanced level (national tournaments and such) where there are almost no women. I go skydiving, again no women. Indoor climbing is also a mostly male sport. And when I go out, women seem to look right though me. It happens to all the guys I work with, by the way, so I know it's not primarily 'cause I'm asian. So I'd appreciate a little help in demystifying women. Thanks.
alphamale Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 physicists are generally nerdy, that may be why women don't notice
JPMorgan Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 sheesh joel! There is nothing wrong with o-b-b-h. He has been busy in his life! That in iteself is attractive to many people. o-b-b-h, why not find make some alterations in what you do and look for sports where there are likely to be more women? There are a lot of women climbers around where I live and you might be able to find some clubs where there are more women involved in the sports. Maybe you could even teach beginner level if you are experienced. Approach women and talk a bit and don't keep looking for signals, just ask them if they would like to have coffee or a drink and if you like her during that conversation time, ask her out for an evening. You won't get experience unless you make the opportunity. You'll be rejected sometimes when you don't click -- but that's just par for the course. You'll be getting some experience anyway. It might be that you are sending out an "untouchable" signal yourself and aren't aware of it. Don't look away or around people, look into their eyes and smile. don't rush to get where you are going, be more relaxed so that a woman will sense that you have time to stop and talk with her and are interested in her. Don't look at other women when you are talking with one. When you are out with your friends check out the men and see how they act around women and how the women respond to them--you may be able to identify some 'turn offs' in your own posturing. Eye contact and smiles are important.
joel Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 yea 35 come on u mean before that age u never talked to a gal in ur highschool or gym or anywhere. i mean don't u have freinds who are guy that have gfs that can set u up wiht em. if u have time for rock climbing and other activites u have time for women. i now if i had money and all it be a heck lot easier to get a gf esp a hot one. even myself i have a freind who is a gal -not attracted to her at all and we hang out i'm just using her as practice and we are just freinds. womne love smart guys man-they like em better em dumb ones. its like what u want a richer guy or a poorer guy Originally posted by JPMorgan sheesh joel! There is nothing wrong with o-b-b-h. He has been busy in his life! That in iteself is attractive to many people. o-b-b-h, why not find make some alterations in what you do and look for sports where there are likely to be more women? There are a lot of women climbers around where I live and you might be able to find some clubs where there are more women involved in the sports. Maybe you could even teach beginner level if you are experienced. Approach women and talk a bit and don't keep looking for signals, just ask them if they would like to have coffee or a drink and if you like her during that conversation time, ask her out for an evening. You won't get experience unless you make the opportunity. You'll be rejected sometimes when you don't click -- but that's just par for the course. You'll be getting some experience anyway. It might be that you are sending out an "untouchable" signal yourself and aren't aware of it. Don't look away or around people, look into their eyes and smile. don't rush to get where you are going, be more relaxed so that a woman will sense that you have time to stop and talk with her and are interested in her. Don't look at other women when you are talking with one. When you are out with your friends check out the men and see how they act around women and how the women respond to them--you may be able to identify some 'turn offs' in your own posturing. Eye contact and smiles are important.
Groovy Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 My dad is a physicist. Yes, they are nerdy but I love nerds. It just takes a certain women who will appreciate you. You need someone who loves intellect over muscle and will admire your ambition. Your not perfect and it sounds like you have a lot to offer. I agree women can be harsh. But put yourself out there. If you have good self esteem then the rejection will be handled fine. I suspect the reason you have not dated is you have a hard time putting yourself out there to handle the rejection. Not to mention you have been working in an all male demanding field and going to school. I would suggest maybe playing on a co-ed sports team, dance class or other places you can meet women. I work in corporate retail and I am surrounded by women and gay men so I have had to put myself out there too! Even my neighborhood is all gay like a little San Francisco. If your willing to internet date, it is a common thing to do now, for people like yourself who due to circumstance just have a hard time meeting others. I would suggest E-Harmony or the religious sites (Big Church, Christian Cafe, Christian Mingle, etc) over Match.com. From experience Match.com has low quality people. You just sound shy. Just ask yourself, what have you got to lose?
alphamale Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 Originally posted by Groovy It just takes a certain women who will appreciate you. yes, a nerdy woman
Author one_big_black_hole Posted June 24, 2005 Author Posted June 24, 2005 I'd still like to know if there are signals I'm missing. Like most men, I don't notice body language. If a woman stripped naked in front of me, I'd assume she's uncomfortably hot and trying to cool off. Without some kind of signal, I feel like a telemarketer making cold calls. Everyone hates those guys. Many people say I come off intimidating. I'm really not, but I don't smile for no reason unless I'm high on crack (kidding). And money doesn't matter when the type of women you are interested in already makes a lot of money. I suppose I could pick up a bar skank by hinting at the size of my bank account, but that's really not my style. When I'm 40, I'll start doing that though. As for rejection, I don't mind it so long as I feel like I can get better. When I compete in sports, I lose a lot. But I can figure out what I did wrong and get better and eventually win. With women, the rejection is random and there's no reason, so how can I get better? The analytical side of my brain won't let me do something that makes no sense. It's a gift and a curse. It's what makes nerds a bit difficult to relate to, I guess. If nothing else, the other losers on this board can at least point to me and say, "at least I'm not that bad." I'm always happy to lift others spirits.
scratch Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale yes, a nerdy woman Alpha may have accidentally stumbled upon a point. Perhaps you (OBBH) should go out, or get online, and try to meet some unattractive, single women, with whom you can interact and from whom you can learn. In my experience, it's relatively easy to get a woman in whom you're not interested to display "buying signals" to you. Trust me, anybody can meet ugly people online, even if they don't mean to. If, on the other hand, you already have ugly females interested in you, your inquiry ("how can I notice signals") is a smokescreen for your real question, "how can I get hot women to be interested in me?" If that is your true inquiry, there are a ton of threads here about it that you can read, or Alpha can lecture you reasonably succinctly on the topic.
scarlyjones Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 Yes, boys,...put away the "RISK" and "Stratego" boards, and get out there and meet people. Friends first. Through a group of friends, you will find interesting chickies to date. Dont FORCE yourself on one girl. (Relax,..that "FORCE" had nothing to do with George Lucas) Go out to the bars. Go out to art shows. Concerts. Malls. Whatever. Go out anywhere except the "Computer Software and Hardware" shows. You wont find anyone there whos got the RAM your looking for. Ill take ya out. I promise,...my Gigga WILL bite. ROOooOOWR!!
Author one_big_black_hole Posted June 24, 2005 Author Posted June 24, 2005 Originally posted by scratch If, on the other hand, you already have ugly females interested in you, your inquiry ("how can I notice signals") is a smokescreen for your real question, "how can I get hot women to be interested in me?" That's an excellent point and I'm aware of the distinction. I'd like to meet woman similar to me: smart, successful, and sane. I frequently go on adventure travel trips (horseback riding through the Andes, sea kayaking in Thailand, etc) and would really like someone who can participate with me. Of course I've talked to hot women and I can't even fake interest in their mindless chatter. They might be good for the night, but I'd like a woman to mean more than that to me. Honestly, I do like nerdy women, but there are very few. In my school, there were 4 single women in a class of 100 grad students. Them's not good odds. Ugly women do not show an interest in me, either. At least, nothing I can detect. I've never had anyone throw themselves at me, if that's what you mean. I know I should date in my "league", such as it is.
Groovy Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 I am a nerd inside, and proud of it. I get hot and heavy with brainiacs. Forget about "signals". I have gotten caught in a conversation with someone I thougt I had no interest with and fallen in love once they got my attention over a few things. Smiles, a phone call, accepting a kiss or hug and getting into it, just feel it out. It's all trial and error. Like anyone, you gotta learn. Your just learning a little late. But it won't happen unless you try to go for that kiss, or ask for that phone number. I am not saying tell them all the lack of experience you have. But just let them your the shy type and take risks.
Marshbear Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 It is almost impossible to believe that at the age of 35 you have never asked a women for a date. Have you never been horny or wanting some action? Or don't you just want to talk to the female sex and see what makes them who they are? You need to hang out where women are. As far as not knowing if a women is interested have you ever considered that if you show some interest first they might reciprocate. Be the man and be confident. women love it. Peace...
alphamale Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 Originally posted by scratch or Alpha can lecture you reasonably succinctly on the topic.
laRubiaBonita Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 cut your hair! only rock stars can get away with "rock star" hair. tell joel, we said hey!
JPMorgan Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 Originally posted by one_big_black_hole I'd still like to know if there are signals I'm missing. Like most men, I don't notice body language. If a woman stripped naked in front of me, I'd assume she's uncomfortably hot and trying to cool off. Without some kind of signal, I feel like a telemarketer making cold calls. Everyone hates those guys. Signals: *Hair Toss *Eye Contact *Smiles *Touching you (your shoulder, your hand during a conversation, or brushing against you as they walk past) *Looking down with the face, but up with the eyes *Over the shoulder look *Sitting forward or leaning in to hear you *Giving you undivided attention *Offering you bite of food (wanna a piece of my candy bar?) Many people say I come off intimidating. I'm really not, but I don't smile for no reason unless I'm high on crack (kidding). And money doesn't matter when the type of women you are interested in already makes a lot of money. I suppose I could pick up a bar skank by hinting at the size of my bank account, but that's really not my style. When I'm 40, I'll start doing that though. Ooh. SMILE - if you need a reason, smile so that women will find you less intimidating! Um, whats with the "when I'm 40 I'll pick up a skank" Nothing will change in what you want and if you don't want skank's now, what makes you think you will then? As for rejection, I don't mind it so long as I feel like I can get better. When I compete in sports, I lose a lot. But I can figure out what I did wrong and get better and eventually win. With women, the rejection is random and there's no reason, so how can I get better? The analytical side of my brain won't let me do something that makes no sense. It's a gift and a curse. It's what makes nerds a bit difficult to relate to, I guess. No one can tell why some people don't click. Some people just don't. Its not something that needs to be addressed. If you date someone for a while and build up a relationship and you have clicked, but something goes awry - then its time to review the pros and cons of the relationship and of what you want to give to someone and what you want to receive from someone and why (what behaviors, attitudes, beliefs, etc.) contributed to not reaching those marks in the failed relationship, so that you can look for those things in the next relationship. If nothing else, the other losers on this board can at least point to me and say, "at least I'm not that bad." I'm always happy to lift others spirits. There aren't any losers on the board!
centered Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 Well, speaking as one of those scarred, wounded, seasoned middle-aged shark-types -- and a nerd to boot! -- the key to connecting is conversation. You have a lot to talk about, being smart and a (astro?) physicist, so put yourself in mixed-gender settings that appeal to you and *talk* to some women. Sports like skydiving aren't all that conducive to a good banter -- the rushing air is hard to shout over. High-impact sports aren't good: "Hi!" *thwock* "My" *thwock* "name" *thwock* "is" *thwock* .... So try this. Sign up for a camping trip. Or a star gazing event. Something kind of quiet with time to talk. And if all the women are taken at these events, don't give up! Women my age (early 40's) love to play yenta when they find a nice guy. Be a friend first. The sparks will happen when you meet the right person.
alphamale Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 Originally posted by JPMorgan Signals: *Hair Toss *Eye Contact *Smiles *Touching you (your shoulder, your hand during a conversation, or brushing against you as they walk past) *Looking down with the face, but up with the eyes *Over the shoulder look *Sitting forward or leaning in to hear you *Giving you undivided attention *Offering you bite of food (wanna a piece of my candy bar?) The above items are right on the money JPMORGAN. But please remember that only certain guys get these "signals". Women don't generally give these signals to guys who are not attractive or confident. I'm a pretty good lookin dude and I see these signals all day long from many women so I am used to them and know what they mean. But a dude who never gets these signals....well, he's f***ed!
laRubiaBonita Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 don't phyisicist make lots of $$$? lure women with that......that would like moths to a flame!!!
alphamale Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 Originally posted by laRubiaBonita don't phyisicist make lots of $$$? lure women with that......that would like moths to a flame!!! yep LRB, he should pick up a bright red convertible corvette.
Nomad Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 I think online dating would be a good try for you. What have you got to lose? Or maybe consider taking more drastic action & move away from the "Midwest" into a more metropolitan area where there are more people & more socially-oriented things to do. To be perfectly blunt, most women your age who don't have marriage prospects are going to be at least a little desperate...maybe you could try to capitalize on that? Finally, I personally think long hair (as in shoulder-length) on a guy is pretty goofy. It doesn't make you look at all like a "rock star" unless you've also got ripped jeans & lots of tats. Getting rid of that prob couldn't help. I'm guessing you wear glasses? Try contacts.
tapeworm86 Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 I agree with Nomad. Online dating is what I thought of when I first read your post. Put a picture of you up, be completely honest and I'm sure you'll hear from lots of women. Be sure to disclose yourself completely (and no I don't mean naked pictures ), that way you'll have an even better shot with the women who do reply to you. Good luck:).
big_black_hole_guy Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 I dipped a toe into online dating a while ago. I sent out a few emails and got no responses. I didn't get any winks or email from women, either. But I'll put more effort into it this time. Thanks all.
Swamp Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 I think online dating would be a perfect vehicle for you to exercise your conversation abilities. I do not by any means mean to badger you, but you will most certainly need practice with your conversation tact, what parts of your personality to withhold etc. You need... well, practice. You need to practice. Be careful though -- as someone mentioned earlier, you will find a lot of desperate women. If you ever feel like you are being pressured, pestered, smothered or anything uncomfortable, then YOU be the one to back away from that person. I imagine you will encounter some very interesting women at this stage in your life. Yeah, cut the hair too.
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