sparkle222 Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 Ok I realise this is slightly tinged by bitterness but I want to know if anyone has similar experiences or feelings on the matter: Does anyone feel that the universe is skewed in giving untrustworthy guys or girls constant opportunities while seemingly screwing over the rest of us? I look at my ex and his pattern is: - dating me (he emotionally cheated at the beginning but I forgave him because he cried when I got mad about it and that freaked me out and made me wonder if I was crazy) - after we break up, literally the next new girl he meets he starts dating. He emotionally cheats on her for nearly 3 months, telling me that he still has feelings for me, and yet she forgives him and they happily date until it falls apart (ldr) and she eventually meets someone else. He still talks about that breakup as the greatest tragedy of his life and blames it on his depression which made him too withdrawn a partner. He genuinely thinks she's the greatest human being ever. - again, after that breakup, he starts a job and literally the ONLY other girl working there he immediately starts sleeping with. She agrees to an open relationship with him (not sure why). She goes away for six months, returns and immediately starts up with him again. Despite the fact that he's been seeing a couple other girls in her absence. He can't commit to a relationship but blah blah it's great and he won't stop it even while seeing other girls intermittently. She's been traveling for months to visit him to continue this. (Who spends months traveling to visit a guy who won't commit?) What really befuddles me is HOW he keeps managing to meet girls he "really likes" (always claiming more than before) AND getting them to date him despite the fact that he's a wholly unreliable partner. He's very average looking, geeky, not cool; I don't even know how he manages an open rs. He even said to me that he doesn't know how he's managed to get so many girls, as he didn't kiss a girl until he was 19. Part of me is probably annoyed cause I was his first gf and he made it seem like I was really special and worth the wait but now he's just head over heels for every new girl he meets after getting left. I guess it just doesn't seem fair that he's been lying /messing me around (long story in other thread) but he gets to keep seeing other girls regularly who apparently seem to really like him and not cause any "headaches" , whereas I'm perpetually stuck trying and failing to move on, while dealing w loads of other stuff in my life. He'll patronisingly tell me how happy he'll be when I find someone for a proper rs-- so condescending !! Maybe it's also unfair on girls because it's less accepted for us to ask out guys. (I'm reserved too; he's awkward but can be forward). I guess this is sort of venting to help w no contact, anyone got similar stories or reassurance or advice on letting go of resentment? 1
dichotomy Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 Ok I realise this is slightly tinged by bitterness but I want to know if anyone has similar experiences or feelings on the matter: Does anyone feel that the universe is skewed in giving untrustworthy guys or girls constant opportunities while seemingly screwing over the rest of us? Oh Yes - been cheated or lied and worse by women and life. Bad people seem to thrive and enjoy life, while nice ones get screwed. After years of being angry - I started to move to acceptance - acceptance that life is unfair and people will hurt you. In a way it stopped mattering to me - and also I stopped being as much a boy scout as I used to and started being "a little" more selfish and calling out BS when I see it from others. In other words.. “Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult-once we truly understand and accept it-then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.” ― M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values, and Spiritual Growth 2
Buddhist Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 Ok I realise this is slightly tinged by bitterness Yes I agree with you there. Does anyone feel that the universe is skewed in giving untrustworthy guys or girls constant opportunities while seemingly screwing over the rest of us? No. I guess this is sort of venting to help w no contact, anyone got similar stories or reassurance or advice on letting go of resentment? Stop thinking that every relationship you ever have is special, sacred or whatever. Most of the time it isn't. 99% of the time it's just about sex, the rest is window dressing. Once you let go of the idea that your heart is some precious jewel to be bestowed upon only the most worthy individuals you can forgive yourself for having been in a relationship with an arse. 5
Satu Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 The Universe is neither fair nor unfair. There are parts of our life experience we can control, and there is a part which seems to be random. The art lies in knowing which is which. I don't believe that the Universe favours the 'bad guys.' 2
SammySammy Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 The unfairness is in you keeping tabs on him and comparing your life to his. You're being unfair to yourself. Bringing unnecessary mental trauma to yourself. You need to move on from this person - mentally and physically. Turn the page. Go to the next chapter of your life. 5
Author sparkle222 Posted June 2, 2016 Author Posted June 2, 2016 Haha Buddhist but if that's the case why isn't everyone openly having sex with whomever they fancy? Why have relationships or marriage at all? Surely no one wants to sleep w the same aging person forever if it is all about sex 1
Satu Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 Its all about how you look at things. Amor Fati "Amor fati is a Latin phrase that may be loosely translated as "love of fate" or "love of one's fate". It is used to describe an attitude in which one sees everything that happens in one's life, including suffering and loss, as good or, at the very least, necessary, in that they are among the facts of one's life and existence, so they are always necessarily there whether one likes them or not. Moreover, amor fati is characterized by an acceptance of the events or situations that occur in one's life. This acceptance does not necessarily preclude an attempt at change or improvement, but rather, it can be seen to be along the lines of what Nietzsche means by the concept of "eternal recurrence": a sense of contentment with one's life and an acceptance of it, such that one could live exactly the same life, in all its minute details, over and over for all eternity." Wether you love your fate or hate it, is your choice. I choose to love it.
NTV Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 One of the things I've found is that everyone has their own journey/they're own story. You've caught a glimpse of his. You can walk beside someone for a while, but nobody's walk is ever the same. I know that sounds cheesy, but it's really the best way to describe it. Folks have a path, and it goes up and down. Sometimes you think you're going up and really you're falling without knowing it until you hit. Without knowing the whole story, there's no way to tell that a happy looking person could be wearing a mask to hide grief or guilt or shame. Or someone mousey and quiet in the corner could be there not because they're boring, but because they are the most interesting person in the room and the rest of the room is boring them. You just don't know where someone's journey will take them, and I know it's hard enough for me to track where all mine has taken me. But that's the stuff of life. Just like posting a thread on a forum could get you a knucklehead like me grandstanding on a soapbox. You just don't know where it will take you. It's better to just let him walk his own path while you walk yours. Ya know?
Author sparkle222 Posted June 2, 2016 Author Posted June 2, 2016 Hm. Notwithstanding my bitter first post I'm not usually fatalistic - i work hard for what I have and (to quote Rolling Stones) even if I don't always get what I want, I do generally get what I need (great friends/family/job etc). I know I'm being petty re this guy. I guess it's cause I do have a pretty cautious approach to rs- largely cause of him- and I don't want to waste it on someone who'll mess me around, so I don't. And the net effect (given a really busy pressured life otherwise ) is that I am generally single. And I think of myself as a pretty decent and caring person. So I guess it just surprises me that this crappy guy seems to get a fair amount of luck with girls, despite the fact that he's neither very nice nor very attractive. He works hard at a lot of things professionally etc and I think he should be rewarded for those - but for his romantic, emotional sensibilities or looks? Not so much:p I guess that's the kind of asymmetry that bums me out (I don't speak to him but it's hard to put him totally out of my mind given our past and all our mutual friends etc). 1
Satu Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 (edited) Hm. Notwithstanding my bitter first post I'm not usually fatalistic - i work hard for what I have and (to quote Rolling Stones) even if I don't always get what I want, I do generally get what I need (great friends/family/job etc). I know I'm being petty re this guy. I guess it's cause I do have a pretty cautious approach to rs- largely cause of him- and I don't want to waste it on someone who'll mess me around, so I don't. And the net effect (given a really busy pressured life otherwise ) is that I am generally single. And I think of myself as a pretty decent and caring person. So I guess it just surprises me that this crappy guy seems to get a fair amount of luck with girls, despite the fact that he's neither very nice nor very attractive. He works hard at a lot of things professionally etc and I think he should be rewarded for those - but for his romantic, emotional sensibilities or looks? Not so much:p I guess that's the kind of asymmetry that bums me out (I don't speak to him but it's hard to put him totally out of my mind given our past and all our mutual friends etc). It really is all about how you interpret your experiences. You look at this guy, and conclude that he's getting a better deal out of life than he deserves, but you could just as easily ascribe another meaning to it. You could, for example, conclude that he's a desperate person who can't be alone, but can't handle being with someone without cheating, because no one person is ever enough to fill the emptiness he feels inside. Which is true? Probably neither, because both are subjective judgments, coloured by the state of our own consciousness, and how we are feeling at any given moment. You might think he's having a good time, but he might think he isn't. So is he, or isn't he? I so much love not knowing things. Edited June 2, 2016 by Satu 1
Author sparkle222 Posted June 2, 2016 Author Posted June 2, 2016 Haha. I suppose since I can't open the 'box' of my ex's life, he is both happy and not-happy Oh I know, I've tried to think the way Satu suggested, the problem is that makes me pity him and then I feel tempted to contact him which is bad.. 1
Buddhist Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 (edited) Haha Buddhist but if that's the case why isn't everyone openly having sex with whomever they fancy? Why have relationships or marriage at all? Surely no one wants to sleep w the same aging person forever if it is all about sex Honey, when you are older and been around this block a few times you will realise that yes, for men, and many women, it is all about sex. I've walked away from more than one longterm relationship knowing beyond doubt that if it wasn't for the sex I wouldn't have been there. Some people like their sex within the confines of a monogamous relationship, many of these people lie to themselves and explain their decisions as being about 'love' blah, blah, blah. I spent 20yrs lying to myself in similar fashion. Of course at the time I was all about a relationship and building a life together and all that crap. Time and maturity brings some pragmatism to the fore though, and you do stop telling yourself fairytales and get real. But don't take my word for it, put it to the test. Go and find yourself a sexless relationship and discover how fulfilling that is. Edited June 2, 2016 by Buddhist 3
Author sparkle222 Posted June 3, 2016 Author Posted June 3, 2016 Haha Buddhist, I'm not denying the importance of sex (trust me I'm fed up being single and just having platonic guy friends!) but I've experienced both messing around with different guys and being in a relationship and hands down, I'd take the relationship. A relationship is stressful but it is *nice*--constant companion, support, knowing someone has your back, etc. I'd honestly rather be celibate than sleeping around; this isn't because I'm uptight, I just know it really messes with me emotionally. Also if it *is* all about sex, ok I KNOW this is ego, but it sort of bums me out that this ex preferred constantly sleeping with some other girl than anything with me? He says he prefers other girls because they don't bring any baggage but then if it is just all about sex, sorta makes me feel like I'm not as good as the rest of them :S. (Pathetic I know). 2
Buddhist Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 (edited) While I think there is some truth to what you're saying, you also must agree that not everyone will share your views. I am a guy, and someone might try and claim my man card for saying this, but relationships aren't about just sex, not even for me. Exactly the opposite, in fact. I am single right now, and I am sleeping with one girl at the moment, trying to see if we want to be in a relationship. If I wanted, I could have been having sex with the pretty young girl I have been working out with. I also have a married woman who hit on me earlier this week, saying she wanted occasional FWB style thing with me. Sex is easier, more varied, and more plentiful for me when I am single. I will still pick a relationship over just getting laid. If relationships are all about sex for you, and you realize this, then it's good that you admit it. I'm sure there are others who are the same. Understandable, and I don't deny it. My post was somewhat facetious but not really out of line when you consider the age demographic of the OP. Do you really think a 20yr old guy is having this kind of intention in relationships? Sure there are some who will be, but the vast majority in her age demographic will not be. That does lead to a lot of heartbreak for young women who go into relationships expecting forever, and get.....used for sex, cheated on and dumped. It's a very common scenario for very young women because very young men are known for being extremely immature in the emotional stakes. That was my main point really. It's just unrealistic for a woman of her age to expect a guy who is a teenager to take good care of her heart. Most young women can benefit from realising that relationships at this age don't mean a lot in general and certainly aren't something to be jaded over. I've been cheated on in relationships, by men who were old enough to know better. Now there's a real challenge.... But a boy, who's brains are sitting squarely in his testicles? That's not something to ponder the meaning of the universe over. Edited June 3, 2016 by Buddhist 3
basil67 Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 Haha Buddhist but if that's the case why isn't everyone openly having sex with whomever they fancy? Why have relationships or marriage at all? Surely no one wants to sleep w the same aging person forever if it is all about sex Jumping in on this discussion. You'll notice that Buddhist talked about most relationships not being special. This doesn't mean that no relationships are special. Most of us date a heap of unsuitable people before we meet the one we want to stay with. This guy was unsuitable. As you continue to date, you'll meet men with varying amounts of suitability until you finally 'click' in a special relationship. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 Does anyone feel that the universe is skewed in giving untrustworthy guys or girls constant opportunities while seemingly screwing over the rest of us? I look at my ex and his pattern is: - dating me (he emotionally cheated at the beginning but I forgave him because he cried when I got mad about it and that freaked me out and made me wonder if I was crazy) - after we break up, literally the next new girl he meets he starts dating. He emotionally cheats on her for nearly 3 months, telling me that he still has feelings for me, and yet she forgives him and they happily date until it falls apart (ldr) and she eventually meets someone else. He still talks about that breakup as the greatest tragedy of his life and blames it on his depression which made him too withdrawn a partner. He genuinely thinks she's the greatest human being ever. - again, after that breakup, he starts a job and literally the ONLY other girl working there he immediately starts sleeping with. She agrees to an open relationship with him (not sure why). She goes away for six months, returns and immediately starts up with him again. Despite the fact that he's been seeing a couple other girls in her absence. He can't commit to a relationship but blah blah it's great and he won't stop it even while seeing other girls intermittently. She's been traveling for months to visit him to continue this. (Who spends months traveling to visit a guy who won't commit?) What really befuddles me is HOW he keeps managing to meet girls he "really likes" (always claiming more than before) AND getting them to date him despite the fact that he's a wholly unreliable partner. He's very average looking, geeky, not cool; I don't even know how he manages an open rs. He even said to me that he doesn't know how he's managed to get so many girls, as he didn't kiss a girl until he was 19. Why on earth would you continue to be close enough to this sleazeball to know this much detail about his love life after he broke up with you ??? Can't help but wonder what would have happened had you invested this emotional energy into finding someone more worthy of your company... Mr. Lucky 2
Author sparkle222 Posted June 3, 2016 Author Posted June 3, 2016 Lucky, I actually broke up with him (various reasons, mostly distance, immaturity, and he got in a strange phase of giving me ultimatums--eg do this or we're over for good--and I snapped), but we stayed close partly because I felt guilty/regretted it/wavered for a bit (though he met someone else so yeah, couldn't really go back), partly because we lived in the same building for the rest of university and were in the same friend group (not fun!). I was naive this year and thought we could be on at least friendly-ish terms as the past was in the past (and he really wanted to be 'friends' and pushed for it). I also still get news about him from gossipy 'friends' who accidentally discuss him or who think it's funny to randomly tell me stuff about him out of the blue, no matter how much I tell them to stop. (I think they think it won't affect me because I'll just judge his 'sleazy' personal life, but actually all it does is hurt me :S). He used to always claim he was different from most early 20s guys (that he was sensitive, would never sleep around, etc) but I think he's pretty much proven otherwise . i think that was more him saying he didn't know how to be like a regular guy in his 20s, or felt insecure about his 'manlihood' (and he's trying to make up for it now!) Haha Buddist et al, your posts make me chuckle. It's reassuring to hear that guys in their early 20s are basically just...dogs. That's what the cynical side of me always says, and largely why I don't date much! But I have SO many girlfriends (and some male friends too) who (at uni esp) were/are just SO INTENT on finding a 'good catch', and who make their lives revolve around their boyfriend (because they clearly think it's going long term), and who are really patronising about the whole thing. And surprise surprise, the majority of those rs ended (girl getting dumped) after graduation. It just baffles me (in heterosexual rs at least) that girls make it a competition when they're up against such a fickle male species. so at what age do guys start actually looking for genuine rs? most of my guy friends are now early-mid 20s, but tbh they seem even more against rs than ever--many have tried at least one 'long-term' one by now, it failed, and now they largely just mess around. 1
Just a Guy Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 (edited) Hi Sparkle, you have been given a lot of good advice by people here especially Buddhist and enigma. I know Buddhist's first post sounds a bit cynical but the underlying truth cannot be denied. The fact is that, firstly, you must stop giving so much head space to this ex of yours. Just treat your experience with him as a learning one, draw your conclusions about any errors of judgement you may have made and move on. As some one said, stop comparing his luck with girls to your own paucity in finding suitable relationship material. I would suggest that you be very circumspect about dating guys unless you have had an opportunity to assess them for their personality and characteristics in a social setting. Once you do find someone you think is suitable then do not hesitate to try and get him interested in you. I have to say though, that you seem to suffer from a low esteem phenomenon, although you may not be aware of it. If that be the case you should first work on yourself to get to a place where you are secure in yourself and exude a confidence in the way you carry yourself and project yourself on the world around you. I guess if you are able to do that you will attract guys like bees to a honey pot and all your woes about the Universe being unfair will evaporate. Hope this helps! Warm wishes. Edited June 4, 2016 by Just a Guy
elaine567 Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 What really befuddles me is HOW he keeps managing to meet girls he "really likes" (always claiming more than before) AND getting them to date him despite the fact that he's a wholly unreliable partner. He's very average looking, geeky, not cool; I don't even know how he manages an open rs. He even said to me that he doesn't know how he's managed to get so many girls, as he didn't kiss a girl until he was 19. I was his first gf and he made it seem like I was really special and worth the wait - that is why he is so successful. He makes then feel sooo special and important. He has the knack of putting them at their ease and thinking they are safe with him. His average looks and geeky nature are the perfect nice guy image and act as a great cover for his "player" behaviour. 2
joseb Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 Stop thinking that every relationship you ever have is special, sacred or whatever. Most of the time it isn't. 99% of the time it's just about sex, the rest is window dressing. Once you let go of the idea that your heart is some precious jewel to be bestowed upon only the most worthy individuals you can forgive yourself for having been in a relationship with an arse. I don't know why, but I really love this quote I know it's at least partly facetious, but there is a fair bit of wisdom in it too. For many relationships, take sex out of the equation and there isn't really a lot left. Not to say that is true for all by any means, just statistically it's pretty common. OP, you really need to drop the bone with this guy. He's just your common or garden variety of player/womaniser/horney guy trying to have fun. Nothing special, neither angel nor daemon. Not worth any more of your time. Let him be. 1
Just a Guy Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 Hi Buddhist, just curious. Did you finally settle into a relationship or are you still single? You would be what? in your forties now? Sorry if that sounds intrusive but that is not my intention. It's just that you sounded a bit cynical in your reply to Sparkles original post. Also, why do you use the moniker Buddhist? It is rather an unusual one and you probably use it to convey a point of view. Feel ftee to ignore these queries if you dont want to respond to them. Warm wishes.
TXGuy Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 I don't think this guy is as 'evil' as you make him out to be. According to your post, he didn't even have his first kiss until he was 19 (about a year ago). All this dating/sex/relationship stuff is very new to him and he is simply trying to understand it. You likely had boys sniffing around and hitting on you since you were 14 or 15. So you have a 5 year head start on figuring out how things work.
Author sparkle222 Posted June 4, 2016 Author Posted June 4, 2016 No he's actually 23 (this has been a way too protracted thing!). I agree he isn't evil, but I do think he oversteps bounds in the way he treats me -probably cause of bitterness/he knows he can- and at this point it's become too much. He does act like a typical player but he's very emotionally needy, constantly talking about mental health and how much he needs friendship and it hurts him so much when I say we can't be friends etc. But I don't think it's fair to want some super emotionally close/dependent relationship with an ex while he's screwing other girls. I'm sorry, I find that weird, and my friends do too. I think this has triggered self esteem problems (because the rational explanation a couple "friends" pointed out could be that he doesn't find me attractive enough but likes my company, support etc.. which is pretty hurtful for any ex, let alone a girl, to hear. I think my friends are fooled by the good geeky guy exterior too.) It's funny, on the one hand I rationally know I'm attractive, successful, etc and I like to think I've always been internally confident but this guy has triggered serious moments of low self esteem im me - maybe hit at insecurities or just the prolonged nature of it wore me down. I am really cautious about dating now which is why I've experienced such "paucity"-- haha. I just don't want to risk this kind of emotionally abusive (it did become that way) situation again! I'm glad that that fear is legitimate acc to posters here. But it's frustrating because I can't be a total cynic- I do want a relationship. Sigh.. Just gotta wait for the mature guys haha.
preraph Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 Think of it this way: If you're not a user, not a taker, not going out of ethical bounds, you are sitting still some. If you are a taker and a user, you are always moving, always feeding, like a shark taking what you want. You are busier, or more rightly you are chaotic.
TXGuy Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 No he's actually 23 (this has been a way too protracted thing!). Oh, my understanding of the timeline was off. That does change things. I agree with the others that you should disengage from him and shut him out of your life. You don't have to worry about whether or not that will hurt his feelings. You need to prioritize your feelings. He is on a different path. You shouldn't think that it reflects poorly on you.
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