Ex's new gf weirdness and ex using my mother as day care

[jakrbbt]

I'm back after much improvement but with some new stuff. I am wondering how to navigate new girlfriend situation, whether I should modify custody, how to handle this weird situation where my ex uses my mom for day care and tries to lie to me about it.

 

My son is three and a half. My ex was unemployed and depressed and pretty abusive when we separated a year and a half ago. He filed for sole custody, was unreasonable and manipulative, we settled for joint, court order says 50-50 parenting time. I am a stable person with a good job as lawyer, flexible work schedule, solid good parent.

 

At first I was terrible setting any kind of boundaries at all. Ex couldn't or wouldn't handle his 50% parenting, he exploited me, stayed at my house or called me home from work unexpectedly, manipulated, threatened, et c . . .

 

Now we have more predictable arrangement where I take son every saturday and so I have him 4 days per week. In reality it has never been 50/50. Now it's a pretty steady 4 days with me, 3 with ex.

 

Unfortunately though, ex is still pretty unpredictable and often "forgets" that a particular day was his day and goes ahead and schedules work, (sometimes late or far away), with no child care options. I like to always have son whenever possible, so I always agree to take him and I'm glad to have him. But the unpredictability (esp because it's really more a form of lying and manipulation and passive aggression) throws me for a loop and I feel it keeps ex in my life. I find it very hard to say no to having my son, especially when I don't know what other arrangement ex can possibly make.

 

1. Do I just forget about ex's role in this, and count myself lucky to be able to have my child more even if at drop of hat?

 

Do I modify parenting plan so I have him more time, more predictably, for sake of stability?

 

Do I call ex's bluff and say that I can never watch son without two days' advance notice unless true emergency?

 

 

2. Ex still abdicates duties e.g. won't potty train, won't deal with bedtime/sleep arrangement, refuses to even discuss preschool bc he doesn't want to get child to school in the mornings. I've decided to just do all those things when I have my child, and not worry that those things do not happen at ex's. Am I being a sucker and should I instead go to court and modify for sole custody so that I can actually parent the child-- potty train him, give him a basically consistent sleep schedule, get him into school? Or is this tact the best-- where I just potty train and do preschool on my days with him, and not even think about ex's 3 days/week? I feel like this is setting a boundary and disengaging, but I'm not great at that. I don't want to do some clumsy version of supposed boundary-setting at child's expense.

 

3. I still buy all son's clothes, largely because ex won't buy any clothes, and so he WILL dress him in old, tight shoes and very inappropriate (for the weather) clothes. Should I stop providing all these clothes? Ex never returns them though I ask. But I want my son to have clothes that fit him and are functional. Is this a boundary I just need to set even if my son is running around in too-small shoes for a while?

 

4. Ex has been calling my mother and using her for child care. He gives little advance warning. She is pretty easy to manipulate. She feels she can't say no, because she's afraid he'll instead use unreliable or unsafe option. I've tried to tell her not to think that way, but she still does. And he does not go through me or even tell me first, plus he tries to lie about it. (My mother is disorganized but she will tell me if I can catch her on the phone AND she remembers.) This affects me because for the last several months, every time I've asked my mother to help me with child care, she gets very stressed and says she can't, and it turns out that's because she's already doing it for ex. I don't want him making these arrangements with my family, affecting my ability to make my arrangements with them, and generally being in my life. Yet I don't know how to handle this.

 

5.Finally, ex has been dating a woman for a few weeks and has said several times that he is very serious about her (he's known her for years). My son (he's three) has been very, very, extra clingy with me in the past few weeks, and has asked me several times, "Are you my mommy?" Which I found odd. Then last week he mentioned the gf name out of the blue and did a scrunchy droll face like when kids are uncomfortable and don't want to talk about it.

 

Ex called me to make some arrangements for weekend, and he started talking about his gf (she is a preschool teacher). He mentioned that "she respects that you are [son's] biological mother."

 

Whether or not anything inappropriate is going on like girlfriend already asserting herself as non-biological "mother," I realize I have no clue how children handle these situations. Do young children naturally navigate these new-significant-others situations and see through any inappropriate forced relationships?

 

And this is the biggie-- Is this the writing on the wall that ex and new gf will try to file for sole custody? I fear I've been "helping" my ex be a participating parent, so that he could look like he's been one, only to have him turn around and file for sole custody as soon as he gets a serious gf/wife.

 

If that's a wild unfounded worry, then hopefully his having a relationship will actually be a good thing for everyone, if she is a decent person then maybe he will step up a little . . .

 

 

I know this has been five things. Does anyone have thoughts on one or all?

Edited June 2, 2016 by jakrbbt

[basil67]

This is horrible. I'm not surprised you are so frustrated.

 

I think that none of his behaviour is acceptable, but he's not going to change unless he has to. Which means you getting legal advice. Find out what can be mandated in respect to his custody.

 

Also, get evidence of what you can. If you know he's been dressed inappropriately, document it. Actually, document everything.

[PegNosePete]

At first I was terrible setting any kind of boundaries at all.

 

Unfortunately though, ex is still pretty unpredictable and often "forgets" that a particular day was his day and goes ahead and schedules work, (sometimes late or far away), with no child care options. I like to always have son whenever possible, so I always agree to take him and I'm glad to have him.

Sounds like you're still pretty terrible setting boundaries. You should tell him this is NOT ACCEPTABLE and you will not cover for his mess-ups any longer.

 

Do I modify parenting plan so I have him more time, more predictably, for sake of stability?

That would have to be a joint decision. You can't modify the parenting plan on your own.

 

Do I call ex's bluff and say that I can never watch son without two days' advance notice unless true emergency?

Yes.

 

2. Ex still abdicates duties e.g. won't potty train, won't deal with bedtime/sleep arrangement, refuses to even discuss preschool bc he doesn't want to get child to school in the mornings.

Courts only care about the child's best interests. If your ex is acting against the child's interests by not doing these things then the court would award you more (or sole) custody. If you want to try this you should speak to a lawyer to gauge your chances of success.

 

3. I still buy all son's clothes, largely because ex WILL dress him in tight shoes and very inappropriate (for the weather) clothes. Should I stop providing all these clothes? Ex never returns them though I ask. But I want my son to have clothes that fit him and are functional. Is this a boundary I just need to set even if my son is running around in too-small shoes for a while?

Expenses should be shared. What does your court order say about finances? Does your ex pay you anything, or vice versa? You have him for 4 days a week, after all, that is not 50/50.

 

4. Ex has been calling my mother and using her for child care. He gives little advance warning. She is pretty easy to manipulate.

This is not your problem, it's your mother's problem. She needs to tell him "no" or "speak to jakrbbt". If she agrees to babysit for him then that is a matter solely between him and her.

 

Is this the writing on the wall that ex and new gf will try to file for sole custody?

Why do you think a court would feel it is appropriate to deprive a child of his biological mother??

[jakrbbt]

[quote=PegNosePete;6927411

Why do you think a court would feel it is appropriate to deprive a child of his biological mother??

 

I guess I meant sole legal custody. My worry stems from our state's law that joint custody has to be stipulated to. So if either parent goes into court and says, "Nah, on second thought, I don't want joint custody, I no longer stipulate to it"-- then the court is legally obligated to grant sole custody to one or the other parent.

[PegNosePete]

My worry stems from our state's law that joint custody has to be stipulated to. So if either parent goes into court and says, "Nah, on second thought, I don't want joint custody, I no longer stipulate to it"-- then the court is legally obligated to grant sole custody to one or the other parent.

If that happens then you should talk to your lawyer. It doesn't really pay to worry about things that may never happen, especially when that involves predicting behaviour of a totally unpredictable person!

[jakrbbt]

To reply to more of your detailed reply, PegnosePete:

 

My lawyer has seemed pretty jaded in the past. He seems convinced that courts get it wrong all the time and are pretty random, and that although I should have sole legal custody and majority parenting time, it's not worth the risk.

 

Which (if he's right) probably leaves me with setting strict boundaries with ex. That's hard for me with some things because I always want to be able to care for my son when ex can't, and because I still want to ensure that he has enough clothes et c. But maybe with people like ex, one has to let go of those kinds of control and just make strict rules?

 

The parenting plan says we both provide 50/50 for child.

 

I am also afraid that if I move to modify parenting time, ex will say, "Fine then, I'm no longer letting you even have the option of having him on days and nights when I can't. And I am not going to tell you where he is or what's going on with him or whether he doesn't have shoes that fit him over here either."

[minimariah]

you gotta be smart about this.

 

your child... i will address this first because i think it's suuuuuuper important - get him into some kind of counseling that specializes in PAS (parental alienation syndrome). educate yourself + inform yourself and seek professional help. make sure to have an open conversation about your child - age appropriate - without bashing his father & the new girlfriend... explain to him that you are his MOTHER, one and ONLY mother and that he can call his father's girlfriend however HE likes. explain to him that she isn't his mother, assure him DAILY that you're The Mommy and that no one in the world can take you away from him. lots of cuddles and hugs.

 

you say your ex- is manipulative; go behind his back. i wouldn't confront him on anything. you can also meet the girlfriend, just to check how she feels or thinks. don't start any arguments with her, be super polite and kind and discuss her role in the child's life. you'll see what she's about from that conversation.

 

many stepparents do blatant parental alienation - the entire biomom, biodad & stepmom, stepdad thing is a perfect tool for that. i usually discourage young kids from calling their stepparents mom or dad; it's not necessary. instead of recreating or imitating the relationship they have with their parents... they should build a new and specific one of their own with the stepparents and that's where many fail.

 

she probably did tell him something along the - i'm the new mommy - lines. put an end to that, especially because it obviously causes distress to your child. you can mention this to his girlfriend subtly but i wouldn't. doubt she'll get any of it.

 

document EVERYTHING. save every single receipt for every piece of clothing or food you've bought for the child. when discussing parenting or preschool... put it all in writing. email, texts. written mail that goes on his hands - in our country, it is called recommended mail. meaning, the person has to sign that it was THEM who received it. that way, you have the proof that you tried to reach out and discuss parenting with your ex. every single time he reaches out to your mother to watch the kid - let her call YOU and YOU take the kid. try to document it somehow or have witnesses. use every time with the kid you have. every single time he fails to spend time with the kid - you take the kid and bond with him. use up that time to make a stronger connection between you and the child. show him that you're there more for him and overall... a better and stronger source of love for him than your ex. it will pay off in the future, trust me. i wouldn't confront him about time either - just keep the schedule like it was for now + whenever he isn't with the child... you step in. tell your family that they report to you about everything and seek strong support from them. communicate with him about the child in written, something you have proof of - rarely in person or over phone.

 

just like he's pushing the child on to your mother - he will do the same with the girlfriend. so it's better to have your MOM babysit the kid than his girlfriend, who is already confusing and damaging the child.

 

seek another legal advice. your lawyer is right - better not to risk it and better not to go to the court. BUT be ready. if he seeks sole custody - you will have your proof up. seek psyhc evaluation if it comes to that.

 

always play nice and kind. patient. never go against the father, speak kindly of him. don't worry too much about the sole custody... the courts aren't THAT random. but avoid it for now: if you'll seek sole custody, you gotta have strong case.

 

and... stay calm. breathe. composed. no one can or will take your child from you. enjoy in every minute with him, spend a lot of time with him and bond. offer him a lot of kisses, hugs and comfort. take care of your kid when he's with his dad but every time his dad fails... try to document it somehow. ask around how it's done and for some ideas.

[jakrbbt]

I took the day off work and saw my therapist. She's the family therapist I started visiting when my son was 18 months. She specializes in young children and families.

 

Like PegnosePete, She thinks that I should call ex's bluff on the "Oops I can't keep a calendar and I scheduled work can you take son" incidents. She says I won't call his bluff because I have too much fear of uncertainty with him. She says he won't change unless he absolutely has to. She thinks my whole life will be easier if I know that my schedule has predictability, and that's better for son.

 

She gave me homework. Starting this week, I send ex weekly confirmations of the schedule and I tell him that I am not available outside the schedule (unless I want to decide in advance that there are days when I am). I already take over all my ex's Saturdays. That's fine. But now he can't even call me outside my availability times and schedule, unless true emergency. He will have the schedule in advance every single week even though it barely changes. (On his Saturdays I get son at noon rather than in the morning, otherwise no changes to routine.)

 

She thinks ex will rebel against that boundary at first and that it is important that I stick to it. When he "forgets" or says he can't do schedules because he has ADD, I remind him that I sent him the schedule for the week and he can figure it out or get someone to help him figure it out. Then I don't worry about what arrangements he makes for child care.

 

The next boundary I set up is I start dropping son off at day care or preschool on Wed mornings rather than having my ex come get him. This is logistically harder because the day care he attends has no room on Wed mornings. (Though I'll see what they can do.) Then in the fall, when I have son in Mon/Tues preschool, ex will object to preschool on Wednesdays. I'd have to clear it with the preschool where ex could come pick son up whenever he wants to. And I'd pay for the Wed preschool. (Legally, our parenting plan just says ex has son starting "Wednesday morning"-- no specified time. I could choose to drop son off somewhere, but I can't enforce that he attend past the time ex wants to pick him up.) Ex is lazy sleep-in person so my guess is he'd eventually leap at the chance to leave son in preschool that i pay for until 12:30, it's just going to be a power struggle at first. He'd rather come over to my house. Make me wait for him before I can leave for work. Ask me for things like clothes for son. But that Wed morning change might not be able to happen until the fall when preschool starts.

 

Therapist told me I can absolutely potty train in 4 days/week. Child will go to dad's house and start asking to use toilet.

 

This is ridiculous, but it will be very hard for me to stick to the strict schedule boundary. I'm posting here about it so I can be held to it.

 

Ex always seems to come up with a twist. A new, different reason to make accommodations in just this one instance. He knows how to foster uncertainty, fear of unknown.

 

The weekly schedule confirmations are a good concrete step for me.

Edited June 2, 2016 by jakrbbt

[Mr. Lucky]

This is ridiculous, but it will be very hard for me to stick to the strict schedule boundary.

 

jakrbbt, all 5 of your points come down to this and your therapist is trying to help you see it.

 

You made the right choice in separating from Ex, even though that choice has some difficult consequences. Be the best parent you can on your days with your son (sounds like you're well on your way ). Require the same of Ex by divorcing yourself from his drama. Tell Mom to do the same.

 

You're overthinking this. I'll bet were a friend to ask you for advice on a similar matter, the answer would be pretty clear...

 

Mr. Lucky

[DesertHeat]

Does your court system recognize use OurFamilyWizard or another electronic method for communicating a schedule? I would start using that, because you can document visitation and expenses on there. Ex can't use "I forgot" if you both are tied into the system. Once you document a couple months of him not exercising his visitation, you can go back and ask for a modification. You can also tally expenses and file for contempt if they are over a certain level (if splitting expenses are written into your custody agreement). You may or may not get it, but it doesn't hurt to try.

 

If your lawyer won't be a pitbull, call around and get a consultation from different lawyers, and find one who looks like they will fight for you.

 

Do you have "first right of refusal" written into your custody agreement? If not, you must absolutely get this in your agreement. This way, ex can't bug your mom nor leave your son alone with his GF or whoever else if he can't find proper childcare without your knowledge or permission.

 

As far as potty training, I've done it in one week with my kids, although the boys were a little harder and it took a minute to stick. First you show him the potty and talk to him about it, so he isn't afraid. If he is still afraid, take him into the bathroom when you go to show him it's okay. Then you take him every hour on the hour the first couple of days. Sit him on the toilet for 5-10 minutes. Talk to him through the process and verbally encourage him, whether he goes or not. Once he gets used to it, (and you can gauge how long after meals he actually goes), then you start taking him 30 mins to an hour after meals/drink (depending on his bladder) and when he asks. This part might take the longest, because then you are transitioning him from just taking him after meals to him telling you when he needs to go.

 

Once he can start telling you, let the daycare and ex know he's potty training and transition him to pull ups. Night training takes a while, but normally I don't give the kids anything to drink 2-3 hours before bedtime and they will stay dry all night. You experience some setbacks with ex, since he's unwilling to potty train, but you should be able to get your son started, and with some persistence you can get it done.

 

Sorry you are going through this, but I went through some BS with my XH as well. You are just going to have to grow a backbone and take charge as mama. The burden has been a lot on me (I have 3 kids), but now I'm finally "used to it" and can handle the juggling act.

[jakrbbt]

Well I did the homework, sent him the email with my schedule and availability. He can't claim to "forget" or if he does, I can reasonably seek a solution like modifying parenting time.

 

Plus, the email is a good idea for everyone.

 

I mentioned one evening as being available next week if something comes up, but that I'd need a day's advance notice. I chose an evening when I'd actually like having my son and it would be convenient. Plus I confirmed I"m always there for ex's Saturdays, which I'd agreed on. Other than that, I reminded him of his parenting days and said I'm not available on them. I told him I'd send the emails weekly, and each email would look two weeks ahead.

 

 

I'm sure that I will usually not be available for any of his parenting time. But because I like to have son extra time, I'll offer when it's not an imposition. I'll have the extra kid time on my own terms, not ex's. And I always, always use all my own time, I have not even once asked ex to step in.

 

He has only ONE thing I feel I need: Information about how my very young son is doing when with ex. Ex isn't exactly normal and mature, so I worry. He holds it over me. If not for that, I can draw whatever boundaries I need to with impunity.

 

I can't even imagine what that would be like.

 

Perhaps tonight I should spend some time imagining what it would be like.

 

Having normal boundaries with ex, and not worrying about son's well-being. Free to form other relationships and live like normal healthy person I used to be.

 

Wow, I could actually do a lot of things with my life! Crap. I'm an idiot.

 

My own dad has always been the type to unreasonably freak out about fears that something might happen to his children. He still makes me call him when I get home from my hour-long commute so he knows I didn't crash on the freeway! He's otherwise a high-functioning, wise, successful and very brilliant adult. But he was probably wrong to display his anxieties so much. If I can avoid these worries that have been ingrained, maybe I can avoid instilling them in my own child.

 

Overall, it's more risky that I'll give my son crippling anxieties by worrying, than that I'll subject him to harm by somehow failing to sufficiently worry when he's with his dad. It feels negligent to "not worry" about son, but I guess it's not. Yes?

 

Thanks for encouraging. From your guys's end, it must seem like telling something obvious to someone who can't get it through their skull. I swear I'm trying.

[DesertHeat]

Hey, you seem to be getting there. It takes time to learn how to deal with people like this, especially if you haven't dealt with it before or are conditioned to deal with it a certain way.

 

When my XH and I separated the first time, I was such a doormat. I had no clue because nobody else divorced in my family, and I wanted to seem "fair" and not keep him from his children. Our "visitation" was ridiculous, and it consisted of me getting the kids from daycare Friday evening, driving over to our old apartment (I was the one that moved out) 45 minutes away, wait for him to stroll in, which was usually around 11pm. The kids would be asleep then. Then he'd get ready and go out to the club, leaving me alone again, and he'd stroll back in around 6 or 7am, when the kids were waking up. But he didn't want to be bothered with the kids because he was tired from clubbing, so we'd wait some more, and when he woke up around 11am Saturday, he'd kick us because he had something to do for the day. Sometimes we repeated this on Saturday.

 

It was such a messed up situation, and I tolerated it for a couple months until one time one child got violently ill and I was waiting on him to get medicine. It was a Saturday, and we were waiting for him at the apartment. I think I told him around 4 or 5pm and he said he was coming right over, but didn't show up until after midnight. He claimed he was stuck in traffic most of the time, but I looked at the receipt and he just purchased the medicine. I finally woke up and declined further visitation unless he made some effort, which he didn't, so he didn't see them for a month. However, I was still a little foolish and we got back together for a couple more years of drama before I finally called it quits.

 

But anyway, I said all that to say some of us have been there, we know it takes time, we are just giving you some options. Good luck and I hope the email works.

Edited June 4, 2016 by DesertHeat

[jakrbbt]

If my ex did that, desertheat, I'd deny visitation. (Amazing that you went through that and came out the other side!)

 

That tells me that if he's not doing things bad enough to deny visitation, then I can either a) try to control the situation myself, since the court won't step in, or b) let go.

 

Now might be the perfect time to set boundaries, since ex has a girlfriend (assuming she's not unreasonable or problematic).

 

Today I'll call the preschool and ask whether they're fine with me signing son up for Wednesdays even if ex comes to get son early.

 

It would be an excellent boundary, to tell ex a week ahead of time, "I've signed [son] up for Wednesdays at walforf preschool. You can pick him up from there. The school day ends at 12:30. Let the school know if you are picking him up early." No "if that's ok with you" and no "This is why" and no "you can get him anytime you want."

[Mr. Lucky]

It would be an excellent boundary, to tell ex a week ahead of time, "I've signed [son] up for Wednesdays at walforf preschool. You can pick him up from there. The school day ends at 12:30. Let the school know if you are picking him up early." No "if that's ok with you" and no "This is why" and no "you can get him anytime you want."

 

Yes it would be. jakrddt, you're an intelligent person who has your son's best interests at heart. Don't doubt your instincts or intentions...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jakrbbt]

Once again, he came up with a twist.

 

I think I'm on the right path responding to the twist, and I don't want to mess it up.

 

I've sent ex two emails now, where twice I've told him I am unavailable Thursday, June 16-- day, evening, and overnight.

 

This morning ex texted my mother. He said "I'm in a pickle at work. Can I bring [son] to your house Thursday at 8:30 a.m.? I'm hoping [Jakrbbt] can pick him up from your house when she gets home from work."

 

And he didn't say how late he'd need care from me, after I supposedly would get son.

 

My mother said "Yes"-- assuming that ex and I had talked and that I would relieve her of child care in the early evening. But ex already knew I was blocked out as unavailable.

 

Ex's workplace often has twelve-hour, 9-9 shifts. He probably took one for Thursday even though that 's his day with son.

 

My parents are too old and tired to watch a 3 yr old in their big (not very childproof) farmhouse for 14 hours. I'm tempted to bail them all out, and just be with son Thursday.

 

Instead I texted ex, "My mother didn't know that I was unavailable Thursday evening. She can only watch [son] until 5."

 

If ex goes and uses my parents anyway, he's taking advantage of them and I feel the need to protect them-- at least in future.

 

They are elderly and they don't think they can say no to ex. They worry that he'll place son in bad care or something.

 

I worry too. But I think it's important to call ex's bluff.

 

I got ex on the phone and he said, "I forgot you weren't available." (He didn't. OTherwise he'd have called me and asked.) He said, "I'll work it out."

 

If he works it out by using my parents,, I want to make sure he stops taking advantage of them. Especialy since son is not really that safe out there for 12-plus hours.

 

the other weird thing is that tonight I feel like I have been in a car wreck becaue of this.

[PegNosePete]

Tell your parents your schedule too.

 

Then if they make arrangements with your ex, it's up to them to sort out any problems they create.

 

Nothing to do with you.

[jakrbbt]

Agreed (and I hope they can follow-- they're disorganized and ex takes advantage of that)

 

What do I do about this Thursday? Watch son when I already said I was unavailable? Let ex leave son with parents until way past bedtime? Again, parents will over-commit out of fear. But I don't want to un-draw the boundary.

Edited June 14, 2016 by jakrbbt

[hotgurl]

I think you need to stick to your guns. Your ex is testing you, to see how firm your boundaries are.

 

If your parents over commit and are worn out because of it they will be less likely to over commit in the future.

 

You should probably CC your parent the schedule so they know. Also if ex asks them again and says oh jakrbbt can pick son up your parents need to clear it with you before accepting.

 

I know you said the house is not child proof but how dangerous is it really?

[PegNosePete]

I think you need to stick to your guns. Your ex is testing you, to see how firm your boundaries are.

 

If your parents over commit and are worn out because of it they will be less likely to over commit in the future.

^^ This.

 

You need to tell your parents,

"Look parents, my ex is a manipulative SOB. Please DO NOT make any arrangements with him until you have cleared it with me FIRST."

 

If they can't follow that simple instruction then whatever mess they get themselves into is not your concern! You aren't THEIR mother too!!!

[jakrbbt]

OK. I told ex that my parents were only available until 5 that day.

 

I worried so much that ex would have son somewhere else very late, long day, confused toddler crying to be at home late at night et c. . . In the old days I'd have stepped in and taken son for the day and night.

 

Ex told me today that he himself would pick up son from my parents' house at 5. He'll just cut his work shift short. So he backed down, and I kept my boundary.

 

I still worry about ex getting enough work. But that kind of worry doesn't serve me. So even if the worry is there, I will continue to decline to act on it.

 

Going forward I have to make a plan for protecting my parents from being taken advantage of. They only say "yes" because they fear ex has no other reasonable recourse.

 

Also ex tells my mother things like "You're important to me" and "it's good that we're still family and there's no bullsh** between you and me after the divorce." He never had any kind of friendship with my mother during or before our marriage! He knows she is easily manipulated. My parents have several grown children who periodically need their time. They have a lot going on in their lives. My mother is very stressed over this whole ex dynamic.

 

Also, I do not want ex in my life, period. He can find his own day care-- not my family-- or we can re-do the parenting schedule. I guess the only way to force that binary choice, is to hold these boundaries and get my parents on board too.

 

Thanks for the encouragement! I need it. I think it works.

Edited June 15, 2016 by jakrbbt

[jakrbbt]

Suddenly this morning, son's new (wonderful) day care said they have room for him Wednesday mornings.

 

My ex was coming to my house to pick up our son on Wednesday mornings, for his parenting time.

 

Court order simply specifies "father gets child Wednesday mornings." No specific time.

 

Typically ex arrives as late as possible, on days when I tell him I don't have to leave for work or don't need him early. He will sleep till noon if he can.

 

Usually I tell him to be here by 7:40, and I leave for work when ex arrives. Ex hangs around my house after I'm gone, for who knows how long, with son. He takes clothes without asking or telling me-- even when I've packed a bag for son and told him not to do that. He will take a "nap" in my bed if son is still sleeping in son's room! I have been in too much rush to see ex and child (typical 3-yr-old who stalls and squirms) out before I leave for work. I've been stupidly unwilling to wake son at 7:15 and deprive him of sleep.

 

That, or I've been scared to set a boundary.

 

Last week when ex came for son, I tried to get ex to stay outside. "I'll bring [son] out, he's ready." Ex kept insisting on coming in: "No, I'll just come inside."

 

I was recovering from surgery and didn't go into the office, so I wasn't rushing off. Ex did come in (I'd have had to get very unpleasant in front of son to keep him out). But I saw them both out of the house within five minutes.

 

Today, I texted ex to tell him to pick up son from day care tomorrow, rather than from my house. I said he could pick him up there as early as the regular time, (7:40), or he can get him as late as 12:30. I said to tell me if son needs clothes for ex's house, and that I'd leave a bag at day care. I emailed him as well as text.

 

And I checked with my lawyer (a few months ago, actually)-- it's a legally sound arrangement I'm making. I also checked with family therapist-- nothing wrong with it, good for child.

 

Day care is about two blocks away, so I wonder whether ex will still try to park at my house and come in with son. I'm going to hide the spare key somewhere new, in case he knows where it is (son knows). That would be weird for son to be locked out of his own house, but I can't keep trying to protect son from ex by catering to ex's boundary violations.

 

If ex does not reply at all, I guess I'll arrange for one of my parents to get son. I'll be at the office an hour away. But I'll have to try to manage the panic in that case. I would rather avoid the car-accident feeling that I get when ex rebels against boundary or jerks me around.

 

I am nervous about ex not replying at all, and leaving me hanging as to whether he'll pick up son from day care. I told him to confirm that he got the message.

Edited June 21, 2016 by jakrbbt

[Mr. Lucky]

Usually I tell him to be here by 7:40, and I leave for work when ex arrives. Ex hangs around my house after I'm gone, for who knows how long, with son. He takes clothes without asking or telling me-- even when I've packed a bag for son and told him not to do that. He will take a "nap" in my bed if son is still sleeping in son's room! I have been in too much rush to see ex and child (typical 3-yr-old who stalls and squirms) out before I leave for work. I've been stupidly unwilling to wake son at 7:15 and deprive him of sleep.

 

That, or I've been scared to set a boundary.

 

 

Glad you recognize this as not only inappropriate but counterproductive to your efforts to move on.

 

But I'll have to try to manage the panic in that case. I would rather avoid the car-accident feeling that I get when ex rebels against boundary or jerks me around.

 

jakrbbt, no pain no gain. Recognize that what you're doing is hard but valuable. The only thing more disconcerting than going through this now would be going through this for the next 18 years :eek: ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jakrbbt]

I'm doing it! I texted ex to please confirm that he got the messages and he knows to pick up son from day care instead of my house. Ex said, "will-do."

 

I am setting it up so that my life is more and more separate from that miserable man's.

 

Ex will not come into my house, and I won't see him more than once a week. I'll keep sending emails of my weekly "availability" (or non-availability).

 

It's proving more difficult to get my parents on board. Ex is still very willing to manipulate my frazzled, manipulable mother and my worried father. They think they have to say yes or he'll leave son on the street or something. I don't want ex using them as his day care on his days, given that dynamic. I want him finding his own parenting solutions. If he can't parent his child, or get reliable child care himself, then he should let me have the parenting days. He should go through me to line up my parents. He is taking advantage of them. Am I way off on this one? I know I cant' tell my parents what to do, but they're troubled. My mother has a migraine over ex's latest request. They can't set boundaries very well, themselves.

[jakrbbt]

Quit trying to fix everything for him - he is a grown ass man! He needs to start acting like it!

 

I used to be afraid of this kind of advice, allergic to it even. I always found excellent angles around it! Also it's hard to take (perceived) risks when there's a small child involved.

 

Now I see where that gets me. On the other side of extreme risk-avoidance and hovering, is misery.

 

I'm glad I've kept asking for opinions here.

[PegNosePete]

He should go through me to line up my parents. He is taking advantage of them. Am I way off on this one? I know I cant' tell my parents what to do, but they're troubled. My mother has a migraine over ex's latest request. They can't set boundaries very well, themselves.

Yes he is taking advantage and yes he should go through you. But you already know he is not a logical and reasonable man so don't expect him to do what he "should" do.

 

I think you need to take the hard line with your parents as well. Carry on trying to get them on side, but you need to let go of the responsibility. It's not YOUR fault that they're troubled and your mother has a migraine, it's totally self-inflicted by their own behaviour and choices. You can't blame yourself for that. They are the only ones who can change in order to avoid the trouble and migraines, and that is what I would tell them if it were me. When they say "I am troubled and I have a migraine" you say "well don't talk to EX next time, tell him to go through ME".

 

It seems lack of boundaries is a congenital trait in your family but it's good to see you're finally breaking the family tradition! Well done!