Little feather Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 I have been dating this Man on and off for 6 months. He is in his mid forties and I am in my mid thirties. He has been divorced for 5 years and I have been divorced for 1 year. He has 1 daughter and I have a son and daughter. His daughter is 1 year older than my daughter and our children seem to get along well. I have my children pretty much all the time accept for every other weekend and he has his daughter on Weds. and every other weekend. The problem is that he has been so wishy washy the entire relationship. I am not sure if he sees me as a "booty call" "friends with Benefits" or "potential girlfriend material" He has said that he has not let any woman around his daughter since his divorce and that he has not had any serious relationships since his divorce. It has been difficult for us to spend any substantial amount of time together because he said he does not feel comfortable spending time with just me and my children however he did feel comfortable with play dates when he has his daughter. The problem with that is that him and I are on opposite weekends. However, we did have a few play dates with the children. We have been on a few dates together. We have spent a good amount of time on the phone. About 1 month into the relationship he told me he lost his job and that he could not be in a relationship when he has no direction. He said he needed to feel like he could take care of a family before he was in a relationship. He would not define our relationship. Also, he is Jewish and I am christian. He has asked me several times if I would be his Jewish wife but I thought he was kidding. I said "no" playfully. We have broke things off several times because he has told me he is not ready for a relationship, he's a mess, his job situation, and I am not Jewish, each time he ends up initiating contact with me. I am not sure what he wants. Why not just leave me alone. The last time we broke things off I was pretty frustrated with him. He said he wanted me to see other people because he could not give me the time that I deserved, that he had to take care of his family and he only had time for them, and that I was not Jewish and he was hoping I would convert. I told him to not call me ever again and to have a nice life. But he ended up texting me four weeks later. He said that I am just such a good person and that I don't expect anything from anyone that I have no ulterior motives and that good people are hard to find. I met him for coffee just to catch up and at the end he wanted to kiss me but I pulled away. When we are together he can't keep his hands off me. I have told him I think he just sees me for sex and he says no. He has admitted to face book stalking me while we were not talking. the surprising thing is that he came over Sunday and actually went to the pool with the kids and me. He spent a lot of time with my kids and mainly focused on them. Before he refused to do such a thing. I asked him if he wanted to get together that night and he said let me see what my family is doing. He text me and said he was getting together with his family for dinner so it may not be a good night. I am just not sure what this guy is looking for but I want to be in a committed relationship and I want things to be defined.
Buddhist Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 I have been dating this Man on and off for 6 months. The problem is that he has been so wishy washy the entire relationship. It has been difficult for us to spend any substantial amount of time together because he said he does not feel comfortable spending time with just me and my children however he did feel comfortable with play dates when he has his daughter. About 1 month into the relationship he told me he lost his job and that he could not be in a relationship when he has no direction. We have broke things off several times because he has told me he is not ready for a relationship, he's a mess, his job situation, and I am not Jewish, each time he ends up initiating contact with me. The last time we broke things off I was pretty frustrated with him. I am just not sure what this guy is looking for but I want to be in a committed relationship and I want things to be defined. It's pretty obvious to me what he is looking for is casual hookups. Flippant remarks about you converting to judaism, wanting something more, not being ready, but stalking your FB account etc are just that. They are breadcrumbs so that each time he comes back to you, you'll have hope that something will develop. But his pattern of behaviour makes it very clear what he is wanting from this arrangement. He is wanting the ability to have some company and sex periodically, when it suits him. That's all he is wanting. Six months is enough time to decide if you want a relationship with someone or not. His tactics are simply confusion techniques to make you think there is something you can do or be for him that will finally make him want you as a proper partner. And of course they are convenient excuses should you ever confront him about his intentions and why he never commits. If you want a proper relationship the first thing you must do is stop wasting time with this guy. 1
BaileyB Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 I agree with Buddhist. I don't think this is the guy for you. If you want a committed relationship, you deserve better than what he has offered. Keep looking...
tinkerbell16 Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 I have been dating this Man on and off for 6 months. He is in his mid forties and I am in my mid thirties. He has been divorced for 5 years and I have been divorced for 1 year. He has 1 daughter and I have a son and daughter. His daughter is 1 year older than my daughter and our children seem to get along well. I have my children pretty much all the time accept for every other weekend and he has his daughter on Weds. and every other weekend. The problem is that he has been so wishy washy the entire relationship. I am not sure if he sees me as a "booty call" "friends with Benefits" or "potential girlfriend material" He has said that he has not let any woman around his daughter since his divorce and that he has not had any serious relationships since his divorce. It has been difficult for us to spend any substantial amount of time together because he said he does not feel comfortable spending time with just me and my children however he did feel comfortable with play dates when he has his daughter. The problem with that is that him and I are on opposite weekends. However, we did have a few play dates with the children. We have been on a few dates together. We have spent a good amount of time on the phone. About 1 month into the relationship he told me he lost his job and that he could not be in a relationship when he has no direction. He said he needed to feel like he could take care of a family before he was in a relationship. He would not define our relationship. Also, he is Jewish and I am christian. He has asked me several times if I would be his Jewish wife but I thought he was kidding. I said "no" playfully. We have broke things off several times because he has told me he is not ready for a relationship, he's a mess, his job situation, and I am not Jewish, each time he ends up initiating contact with me. I am not sure what he wants. Why not just leave me alone. The last time we broke things off I was pretty frustrated with him. He said he wanted me to see other people because he could not give me the time that I deserved, that he had to take care of his family and he only had time for them, and that I was not Jewish and he was hoping I would convert. I told him to not call me ever again and to have a nice life. But he ended up texting me four weeks later. He said that I am just such a good person and that I don't expect anything from anyone that I have no ulterior motives and that good people are hard to find. I met him for coffee just to catch up and at the end he wanted to kiss me but I pulled away. When we are together he can't keep his hands off me. I have told him I think he just sees me for sex and he says no. He has admitted to face book stalking me while we were not talking. the surprising thing is that he came over Sunday and actually went to the pool with the kids and me. He spent a lot of time with my kids and mainly focused on them. Before he refused to do such a thing. I asked him if he wanted to get together that night and he said let me see what my family is doing. He text me and said he was getting together with his family for dinner so it may not be a good night. I am just not sure what this guy is looking for but I want to be in a committed relationship and I want things to be defined. You are on a breadcrumb diet. He is feeding you just enough to keep you on the hook and feeling anxious. He said you are a good person and you don't expect much... sounds like he hit the breadcrumb lottery. He is never going to give you more. It's simple, you give him what he wants and he is not giving you what you want. That's not OK. He is waisting your time. End it and make yourself available to someone who is available to meet your needs.
Author Little feather Posted June 3, 2016 Author Posted June 3, 2016 Thank you for everyone's response. I think you are right. This morning I told him that what he had to offer was not what I was looking for and that I wanted to find a partner that was welling to be 100 percent in a relationship. He was pretty much silent about that but did tell me he was sorry for pushing and pulling me and that that was not the right way to treat a woman. He also said that he does miss me after not talking to me and that he want to talk to me but he is not wanting a committed relationship. If I am blunt with him and honest why does he not leave me alone. Why not respect that I want more and move on? He recognizes that what he is doing is wrong so why does he keep doing it? Men like this, would they be this way with any woman or is it just me?
Buddhist Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 Why not respect that I want more and move on? He recognizes that what he is doing is wrong so why does he keep doing it? Men like this, would they be this way with any woman or is it just me? Because you have kept going back to him for the past 6 months even after he has said similar things. People who do this will continue to do it until you take action, not just say things, but back up what you say with action. As far as he's concerned he's told you he's not offering a relationship but if you keep interacting with him, keep having sex with him then that's your agreement to be in a casual arrangement with him. It's just you at this point because you won't walk away when you say you don't want what he's offering. There's a clear conflict in what you are saying, and what you are doing. 1
katiegrl Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 Thank you for everyone's response. I think you are right. This morning I told him that what he had to offer was not what I was looking for and that I wanted to find a partner that was welling to be 100 percent in a relationship. He was pretty much silent about that but did tell me he was sorry for pushing and pulling me and that that was not the right way to treat a woman. He also said that he does miss me after not talking to me and that he want to talk to me but he is not wanting a committed relationship. If I am blunt with him and honest why does he not leave me alone. ----- **Why not respect that I want more and move on? He recognizes that what he is doing is wrong so why does he keep doing it? Men like this, would they be this way with any woman or is it just me? ^^Why does he keep doing it? Cause he can. Cause YOU allow it. You want to move on? Then stop allowing him to jerk you around...and move on. End it, and stop allowing him access to you. Block him, delete him. The way I see it, yes he is jerk, but again everything he is doing to you, YOU are allowing. Why do you kerp going back with him? He has shown you his colors, he is NOT changing. YOU make the decision to end it and stick to it... Again, stop allowing him to jerk you around, that's on you.
Author Little feather Posted June 3, 2016 Author Posted June 3, 2016 Thank you for your responses. You are correct
Author Little feather Posted June 3, 2016 Author Posted June 3, 2016 in your experience do men like this treat most woman this way? I mean is he like this because he is unavailable or because he just is not into me?
Buddhist Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 (edited) in your experience do men like this treat most woman this way? I mean is he like this because he is unavailable or because he just is not into me? I won't go so far as to say that if you didn't have sex with him then you would have gotten a relationship out of him for two reasons. 1. We have no reason to believe that is true. 2. Of course, people do put different offers on the table for different people. You do too. If you met someone whom you believed could potentially be the love of your life you'd be more willing to put more on the table for him than just a guy you can see yourself having some fun with but nothing serious. The big problem with relationship advice out there is the belief that if we just behaved differently then we would get a different result with the same person. There's no actual evidence to suggest this would be the case. If you had acted differently with this guy there's every likelihood he just wouldn't have dated you in the first place and moved out of your life. There's no point in telling yourself the story that he's a douche because of you. What purpose does that serve? Except to convince yourself that you are somehow unlovable. Don't do that to yourself. Edited June 3, 2016 by Buddhist
Author Little feather Posted June 3, 2016 Author Posted June 3, 2016 Thank you Buddhist for your response. It was very helpful and makes a lot of sense.
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