So terrified of being used/lied too that I'm ruining my current relationship

[kitana2010]

I've been in 2 very long term relationships where the guy used me (for money, house work, sex, ect) one of them I even married...

 

Stayed single a while, got my head on straight, dated a bit, gave up because I wasnt finding anyone I really liked and than I happened across my current boyfriend of nearly 2 months.

 

I can feel the fear creeping up on me now that the honeymoon phase is ending. He doesnt tell me he misses me as much, will go a day or two without any contact when he has his son, not even texting.

 

I find myself holding back on wanting to do anything nice for him and if I do do something, I instantly think "thats why he came by". Example: I cooked him dinner the other day and also washed his work lunch box for him because he left it here (was filthy, hes in construction and works very long hours) he ate, thanked me many times for the food and cleaning his lunch box, than we watched a movie (his choice) and he passed out 30mims in. Next morning he snagged some leftovers for lunch and left for work. I instantly felt used.... even tho (and this is important) he came over the night before and cooked ME dinner, steak, asparagus and baby kale salad.

 

Than again, his stove at his house is broke, so than I wondered if that was why he even cooked for me.

 

I have been bullied, abused, and used by men in such terrible ways that I question everything.. even my own thoughts and feeling. Always wondering if Im justified in being suspicious, or hurt, or angry.

 

Part or me thinks im too broken to date ever again, the other part (the bigger part) desperately wants to see where this relationship could lead because I feel we're a good fit.. but than I question if he even feels as strongly as he did before, and now the cycle will begin again..

 

I feel insane somedays.

 

He hasn't asked me for much at all.. but the fact his brother called him a mooch on facebook escalated my fear (and overthinking) and the fact a mutual friend (who hasn't talked to him in 10yrs) said he may try to use me, but "that was highschool <name> he very well could have changed in such time" (his words)

 

total I have lent him $1 for a coffee. washed his clothes 3 times (once asked, twice without. just a pair or clothes.. not an entire hamper or anything. Just work clothes he left behind or whatever. Made him dinner once. washed his lunch box. and I think thats it... in 2 months

 

He has: made me dinner once, bought me lunch or dinner 4 times I think. Bought me a movie. offered to do several things, but I always tell him no thank you (offered to look at roomies car, fix a basement leak, buy me a book when we were at the store)

 

 

Is there any way at all I can fix myself? I'm going to ruin my relationship.. what can I do to avoid being used and feel secure?

[Buddhist]

I have been bullied, abused, and used by men in such terrible ways that I question everything.. even my own thoughts and feeling. Always wondering if Im justified in being suspicious, or hurt, or angry.

 

Part or me thinks im too broken to date ever again, the other part (the bigger part) desperately wants to see where this relationship could lead because I feel we're a good fit.. but than I question if he even feels as strongly as he did before, and now the cycle will begin again..

 

I feel insane somedays.

 

Is there any way at all I can fix myself? I'm going to ruin my relationship.. what can I do to avoid being used and feel secure?

 

Okay I'm going to share some things here and they might not make you feel all that secure. They may even be things you don't want to hear.

 

If we have a pattern of dysfunctional relationships, it's very unlikely that we will suddenly find ourselves in a good one just because we spent some time single. I know this because I was single for 4yrs between two very dysfunctional and practically identical relationships. It takes more than just being single, feeling happy with yourself to actually correct the underlying pattern.

 

Unless you have specifically sought therapy of some kind for the issues which lead you into being with abusive men in the past, then your fears may in fact be warranted even if they are not currently surfacing. The thing is a dysfunctional relating pattern will cause you to intuitively choose partners who match that dysfunction. I experienced the truth of this myself between those two very bad relationships. The second partner appeared as Jesus walking on water to my eyes and indeed everything was amazing for about 8 months or so. Then satan reared his head again. I was still picking the same types of people despite having spent a lot of time on my own and convincing myself I had 'sorted this'.

 

When I did start seriously working on that dysfunction I realised just how deep that rabbit hole went and I had done nothing more than just put a picnic blanket over the top of it during my previous single period. It takes someone with skill to unravel these things, the likelihood of us just spontaneously doing it ourselves is very low.

 

So what to do now? Nothing about your current relationship as long as you still think things are fair and heading in a good direction. But what you do, is find a therapist and start working on that underlying issue. That is the only way to protect yourself in the future. If things go south in your current relationship you will have developed some fortitude to deal with it and get out quickly instead of suffering. If things don't go south then you'll have averted any kind of disaster by dealing with your issue at the root cause.

[Acerboy]

Okay I'm going to share some things here and they might not make you feel all that secure. They may even be things you don't want to hear.

 

If we have a pattern of dysfunctional relationships, it's very unlikely that we will suddenly find ourselves in a good one just because we spent some time single. I know this because I was single for 4yrs between two very dysfunctional and practically identical relationships. It takes more than just being single, feeling happy with yourself to actually correct the underlying pattern.

 

Unless you have specifically sought therapy of some kind for the issues which lead you into being with abusive men in the past, then your fears may in fact be warranted even if they are not currently surfacing. The thing is a dysfunctional relating pattern will cause you to intuitively choose partners who match that dysfunction. I experienced the truth of this myself between those two very bad relationships. The second partner appeared as Jesus walking on water to my eyes and indeed everything was amazing for about 8 months or so. Then satan reared his head again. I was still picking the same types of people despite having spent a lot of time on my own and convincing myself I had 'sorted this'.

 

When I did start seriously working on that dysfunction I realised just how deep that rabbit hole went and I had done nothing more than just put a picnic blanket over the top of it during my previous single period. It takes someone with skill to unravel these things, the likelihood of us just spontaneously doing it ourselves is very low.

 

So what to do now? Nothing about your current relationship as long as you still think things are fair and heading in a good direction. But what you do, is find a therapist and start working on that underlying issue. That is the only way to protect yourself in the future. If things go south in your current relationship you will have developed some fortitude to deal with it and get out quickly instead of suffering. If things don't go south then you'll have averted any kind of disaster by dealing with your issue at the root cause.

Not to hijack the thread, but briefly if a woman has an history of being with certain kinds of men, are you suggesting it's highly likely that she will be with that same kind of man in her next relationship?

[basil67]

Looking back at your previous relationships - were there red flags which you missed? Or did you see the red flags and fail to act?

 

You see, the first place to start is to think about how you ended up in a position of being in a one sided relationship. What did you learn from it?

[Buddhist]

Not to hijack the thread, but briefly if a woman has an history of being with certain kinds of men, are you suggesting it's highly likely that she will be with that same kind of man in her next relationship?

 

Not speaking of just women, people in general tend to repeat their mistakes until they properly deal with the underlying issues leading to them yes. Common wisdom often dictates that merely staying single for a while and being 'happy' will fix all ills. No, it won't. If the underlying issue is still there (and it often is without help from someone knowledgeable) then of course it's highly likely the same pattern will repeat.

 

Time off the market and being happy alone is not the cure-all it's often touted to be. Depending on how deeply buried the issue is, introspection alone will also not do the trick. One has to be both aware of it's root cause AND have effective tools for re-programming the subconscious away from that dynamic before you will be free. For minor issues, you can probably handle them with willpower alone. But the OP spent 8yrs in a very bad marriage, that speaks of something a little introspection\time to herself probably won't fix.

Edited June 2, 2016 by Buddhist

[LookAtThisPOst]

I had a situation like this with an ex. Although she was in long term relationships, her first one was a marriage (she was married at 19, currently early 30s).

 

Divorced after about a year.

 

Future relationship after that one, was 2 years. live-in boyfriend.

 

The husband/boyfriends treated her like crap so much, it was actually impacting our dating relationship.

 

A couple of times when she made dinner for us, she was worried that if I didn't like the food, I'd get mad. She told me her ex used to throw food at her if he didn't like it. It was like she was bracing for that to happen...again.

 

She kept repeating this with us. She would even have panic attacks after we've been intimate. Afraid that I would wind up using her for sex, too.

 

Apparently, I guess once men in her life got her as a girlfriend, they'd get too comfortable and take her for granted...just having sex, and him rolling over and going to sleep.

 

Eventually, it all escalated and I had to end it with her as she was getting more and more unstable.

[Cherryz]

Its clear you still have some issues about your previeus bad relationships.

And ddnt heal from it yet.

 

By staying the same and just change boyfriends wont help you much.

 

Maybe its better to stop dating. Take a year or little more and work on yourself.

Read self esteem books, and assertive books about how to give people your limits and how to love yourself first.

And also how to say no to stuff you dont want to do.

 

I dont know you. But from what you typed it looks like you still passing this fear of your exes on your new relationships, and you maybe afraid to relax and let people give instead of take. So some may use you cause you only into giving giving and never relax and take also the good things they are offering you?

 

You teach people for most part how to treat you. If you never say no or never stop people from doing certain things to you they will continue. So in this world you have to stand up for your self and love yourself first before you go look for someone to love.

 

If you have no boundaries, and you allow everything for what ever reason people will use you and abuse your trust.

You need boundaries and need to let people know them! Otherwise they will keep come at you whatever way that they feel like .

 

Get some assertive classes and books. And also ask the close friends and family yours to give you feedback about yourself. And why they think you should work on and if they have tips.

And then go think about it and see if its true and do something with it.

 

If people really take advantage of you is probably because they see the opportunity.

So learn how to speak up and how to confront people and get them out of your life also if needed.

And know that your needs are important also! You can be serving people only.

You have needs, things you want and like also for others to do for you.

Give them also the chance to do things for you and express their love for you true doing nice things for you.

 

And also get into sports. It also help your self esteem etc.

[Gaeta]

I can feel the fear creeping up on me now that the honeymoon phase is ending. He doesnt tell me he misses me as much, will go a day or two without any contact when he has his son, not even texting.

Honeymoon phase don't end after 2 months. If you feel neglected this early in the relationship it's because it has run its course and it's not meant to be. A good honeymoon phase will last up to 12 to 18 months.

 

total I have lent him $1 for a coffee. washed his clothes 3 times (once asked, twice without. just a pair or clothes.. not an entire hamper or anything. Just work clothes he left behind or whatever. Made him dinner once. washed his lunch box. and I think thats it... in 2 months

 

He has: made me dinner once, bought me lunch or dinner 4 times I think. Bought me a movie. offered to do several things, but I always tell him no thank you (offered to look at roomies car, fix a basement leak, buy me a book when we were at the store)

 

He's done for you much more than you've done for him. If you are afraid of pulling out $1 to buy your boyfriend a coffee and afraid to wash his lunch box without feeling used then you need to talk about this with a therapist.

 

You only cooked for him once in 2 months, you're holding back on 'giving' in this relationship and that is probably why he's pulling away. At 2 months dating you should at least cook once a week for the 2 of you.

 

He took you out to dinner 4 times and you cooked once, who's taking advantage of who?