JarodOner Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 I wrote this for a blog I had a few years back after going through a breakup... looking back on it now I went though some sh*t! Losing weight from depression is NEVER fun... hope you enjoy the read. In late 2012 my ex girlfriend and I broke up. Actually she kicked me out, lol. I wasn’t feeling what was going on in our relationship and was definitely not feeling what was going on with myself. Quite a few months later I went to a couple Personal Growth seminars and started to open myself to my emotions and feelings. Of course this led me to talking to my ex and telling her that I’d like to try and work things out even though the past three years were very rocky. At the time everything felt right, but it only lasted six weeks. I was about to set up a dating profile and handle business but my friend stopped me and told me that I’m only band-aiding what’s really going on. I didn’t understand, because this is what I usually do after a breakup… I game. He told me that he was gonna give me this 30-day meditation for breakups he wanted me to try… I tried it and this post is what came of it. It was an emotionally written post because I wrote part of it in the middle of the meditation. In here you’ll read about my buddy telling me that my future self will be thanking myself about everything I was doing then, and you know what? He was right. I do. I do thank myself for doing it. Even though we were already broken up for six months and tried working it out… this meditation put a lot of things to rest. Breakups are never easy, even if you’re the one that’s over the situation you’re in. Here’s my article on how to deal with a breakup with no band-aids. I’m gonna get a little personal and then go into some tips on how to deal with your breakup. I myself am going through one right now and normally I’d say, “**** it,” and go out bar hopping or end up on one of my favorite dating websites and be out on a date that night or the next. But, as you grow you start to find out that when you’re doing things like that it’s just a band-aid and is only a temporary fix. So for the past month and especially this past week I’ve been taking the emotions that I’ve been feeling and I’m sitting right in them. Something I’ve never done before, especially with the new emotional breakthroughs I’ve been having over the past 3-4 months, so it’s intense. Does is feel good? Of course not, who likes thinking about their chick with another dude? Nobody right? In the beginning when I was first getting really good at this dating stuff it wouldn’t have fazed me… like I was saying, I’d be out the next night with my crew doin’ the damn thing. Here’s where I messed up. I got into all this over six years ago, went full throttle about six to eight months into my journey, and when I mean full throttle I’m talking going out 5-7 nights a week for over a year. My wing and I did a 60 night in a row marathon and I even became a club promoter so my crew and I could get in clubs for free. I lived, breathed and slept this stuff. At about six months into my full throttle phase I wanted to take a little break. I was going out way too much and my wing and I had guys following us to watch us game… and they wouldn’t want to winging with us, just watch. It was getting to be stupid. During my break I wanted to chill with one chick and then come back and hit the bar scene like a champ again. What ended up happening was I stayed with the girl for just over a year. During that year no matter what would happen, I’d still be gaming. If we argued and took time apart, I’d go out and game… ruthlessly. Did that help my relationship? No… not at all, it actually made it worse. Did it help me? As a PUA (pick-up artist) yes… Emotionally, no. Why did I do what I did? Because I was still new to game, I still wanted to “master the craft” and get my insecurities handled but at the same time I really liked this chick. Was it right? No, I should have let her go knowing that I wanted to game more and so there wouldn’t be any problems/fights/arguments between the two of us. At just about a year and a half we broke things off for good because it got too crazy. I was a club promoter running my own venue now and still doing the dating stuff… speaking at seminars… Doing my thing. That’s when I met my most recent ex. I hired her. She was my DJ at the venue I had just picked up to promote. I remember the day I met her, we were having a meeting about her being my resident DJ, afterwards I walked back into my work after and told my boss that I’m going to snag her from her boyfriend. Two months later she was mine and I was stoked. That’s the beauty of getting better with women… you go for what you want, when you want it. Here’s where I ****ed up in this relationship. I didn’t give myself time to deal with the last chick and the breakup. I immediately jumped ship. Not in a needy way, but because this chick was a dope girl and I’ve already spent two months talking with her every week at work about anything and everything so I didn’t want to pass her up. Again, I should have taken time to myself to deal with whatever feelings/emotions that were going to come from it. Instead I just ran with it and started seeing my new girl. What did I do with her? Same as the last chick I dated… if we would take time off or argued I’d game instead of dealing with it. I went to put a band-aid on it by going on dates and hooking up with other chicks. I actually stopped cold approaching while I was with her. Some coaches with tell you to keep “gaming” to keep your blade sharp even while you’re in a relationship but I was a club promoter so I didn’t need to actively game. Plus I was happy. Did going on these dates and hooking up with other girls help? Only for a short amount of time and of course you start to think about your chick and how much you miss her and about how what you’re doing really isn’t helping you at all. Here’s what I recommend if you’re new to game… Stay single for 2-3 years while learning this stuff so you understand the ups, downs and in betweens. It’s always going to evolve but for those 2-3 years that you’re consistent you will become that guy your ex probably left YOU for before you found game. After that time, trust me your skills will be good enough that you won’t need to stay in this scene or read any new books unless it’s for fun. Find good wingmen so you have a crew or someone there to help push one another. Our old thing use to be, “NO EXCUSES!” whenever someone would try and flake or didn’t want to go out. Trust me it helps. Trying to go out with your normal friends that aren’t studying this stuff won’t help you grow as fast as it would if you had people that are just like you. Find a dating coach or “guru” you like and stick with them until you get the basics of their style down. After that start experimenting with other companies and your own stuff. Now to the goods… How to Deal with a Breakup You hear people say, “Sleep with other women and you’ll get over it.” Only for a short period of time, it’s just like drinking and doing drugs… even after the “buzz” is gone your problems (emotions and feelings) are still there waiting for you. I’ve dealt with it by going on dates, sleeping with other women, sleeping with multiple women in the same day, drinking, doing drugs, clubbing, dancing, hanging out with friends, all to space reality… and when it’s all said and done, what comes back? The same feelings and emotions I was trying to block out by doing all the things mentioned above. Today I’m a bit different, I’ve been doing A LOT of personal development, and when I mean a lot I’m talking 4 day seminars in back to back months in other states. For one hour a day I’m listening to audio CD’s and videos on YouTube, so I’m handling my most recent breakup different with some hiccups in there of course. I’m still learning myself. You never stop learning. If you’ve ever taken a seminar or been to a dating boot camp you know you come off those things with a sort of “high.” You’re feeling great, everything’s smooth but after a few weeks it’s kind of gone, right? I knew you knew what I was talking about. Well, you know what they say, “For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction.” If you get the super high, trust me you will crash and hit that super low. For me my high came after my first seminar in Phoenix… I realized that my most recent ex was the one for me. We did some exercises and it just clicked… I felt like an idiot for not knowing and realizing this before. But I was stoked to finally feel it and to know. After another seminar a month later I had some of my craziest emotional breakthroughs ever. I was feeling stuff I thought I killed off long ago or that I would never feel again. At first it felt weird but at the same time I was relieved. At times I can be a very emotionless and a very cold person. Do I like being like that? No, who likes being a dick? But it was something I grew accustom to since I learned to be like that growing up with the women in my life, my sister and my mother. Remember that seminar “high” I was talking about, and that famous Newton’s law quote about for every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction? Well a month into my new growth, I got very cold. I wasn’t use to my new emotions and feelings and I drew back and got very cold… colder than I have ever been. I withdrew from going out, hanging with my girl, I started judging her, judging my roommates and myself. I couldn’t feel my feelings or emotions like I was able to just weeks before. My roommate has been my best friend since I was nine and he even told me I was being a dick. My chick was crying to me on the phone and I left her hanging because my roommates invited me somewhere… WHO DOES THAT? It sucked… I went from crying about the dumbest **** with my new found feelings and emotions and just feeling relieved after all these years to being cold again… the new feelings felt great so going back into my old self, but even worse didn’t feel good at all. My chick, who I just got back with was gone. Again. All from me being cold and emotionless… again. A huge key to relationships is to go into them giving that person your all. If you don’t think your upbringing and your relationships with others doesn’t affect your most recent relationship, you’re kidding yourself. Your subconscious holds onto everything and whether you believe it or not you will act out things from your past without even knowing it’s happening. I was holding on to things that were all from my childhood and it took me three years and a relationship ending to find all this out. Here are a few things I was holding onto. She had a kid… When I was younger, my mom would bring home and date scumbags. One year she finally met someone that actually took me under his wing and taught me a lot but one year they divorced and he was in out of my life. They actually started dating again but out of nowhere he just dipped. In my eyes after my chick and I got into our first big fight at her apartment and I would go to her place I would look at her son and could only imagine the hate he had for me. Do I know if he hated me as bad as I thought he did? No. Why? Because I did what everybody in my life did… just went on doing my thing and not building a connection with my girls kid, continuing that cycle without even knowing it. Holding back my feelings… Growing up with family and with girlfriends, most of the time when I’d get super personal I would get it thrown back in my face or used against me in an argument. Words really hurt, so with this relationship, in the beginning I was very open but once we started dating I started to what? Yup, you guessed it, hold back. Feeling vulnerable around her wasn’t in the paperwork. How could I truly love someone if I was holding back all my feelings? When people say communication is key to a relationship, it is. Even if it feels like it’s going to rock the boat, do it! It will help in the long run. Gaming during break ups or time off… Instead of taking time for myself and to see what would happen between us, I would cover up my feelings with hooking up with and dating other chicks because I thought, “Well, we’re not together so I’m gonna hang with the ‘Crew and game.” Here’s something I’ve learned over the years… when you’re on a “break” from one another or taking time off, in the girls mind you two are still together. As men we tend to think of it as, “Well hey, we aren’t together so I can do whatever I want.” In a long-term relationship that’s not the case. You too need to take time off and see how you’re feeling and see what you want to do. Covering it up with other stuff is not the answer. Now a month and a half later and having nothing but time to think about my actions during my relationship and at the end, I realized that I didn’t look at myself as being a team player. Instead of looking at it like it’s us against the world and actually making a family with her and her son I decided to do my own thing. After a month of not speaking with her I ended up at her place to talk and boy was that a bad idea. To hear your chick tell you she’s seeing someone else and sleeping with him… it has messed with me and messed with me good. Can I hate her for it? No. I did it every time we broke up or took time apart. It’s even ****tier when she tells you, “At least I’m telling you, I had to GOOGLE YOU to find all the dirt you did.” I have learned a very powerful skill to meet, attract and seduce chicks and I used it without even thinking to coat my emotions I have always been hiding. After hearing the news of my ex sleeping and dating someone else here’s how I’m dealing with it… My buddy sent me an article that this chick wrote on how she dealt with her breakup but my friend broke down a better way that helped him so I’m going to share with you what I’m doing every morning when I wake up. My 30-Minute Morning Meditation For 10 minutes I take all the anger, hate, guilt, anxiousness, disappointment and take it all in. To add to it I picture her sleeping with her new guy the way we would have sex, I picture her whispering the sweet and little cute things in my ear to her new man to give my stomach this ****ing twist I absolutely can’t stand. I picture him waking up next to her and cuddling the way we did, her pulling his arm over her the way she would mine, her standing on her tippy toes to give him a kiss how she would when I would walk near her. Her going for a kiss trying to hold back the smile she had waiting for me after we finally kissed. Basically anything and everything you wouldn’t want your chick doing with another guy I picture to get all the anger out of my system. This helps for when you start to think, “I wonder what she’s doing?” or “I wonder where she’s at?” It makes those thoughts that would normally make you feel like ****, not sting as much. After the 10 minutes of hell, I send them nothing but love. I picture her smiling her big happy smile that I’ve seen so many times while staring right into her new guys eyes. I picture them holding hands on romantic dates just having a great time. I even picture a heart around them while I picture all of this. The first day doing this is going to be rough… trying to come up with positive things to think about, but it does get easier as you go along. After both of those are finished, for another 10 minutes (so a total of 30) I reward myself and give myself a pat on the back for doing what I’m doing for allowing myself to feel the emotions, anger and the millions of other feelings I’m having and for sending them love. I also look for things that I’ve learned from this situation and what I can take from it. I’m doing this for 30 days and I am not going to band-aid it with anything else… I’m about two weeks in and yes, it does suck at first but at the same time **** is literally changing around me with lightning speed. I’m connecting with friends like I’ve never done before, people are inviting to places with groups of awesome new people, job opportunities are popping up left and right… It’s great. Being able to sit down with my close friends and openly express how I’m feeling and what I’m going through is intense because it’s something I’ve never done before. Taking 30 days to actually feel everything I’m going through didn’t sound great at first but it’s something we need to do from time to time. Will you enjoy doing this exercise? At first no, but you will appreciate it once you’re done. Can I hate on her for wanting to be happy? No. Can I hate on him for swooping up on a cute chick? Nope… I did the same thing when I first met her. Depression, Spiritual Healing & Accountability Partners* I’ve lost 15 pounds from depression and I’m barely eating while trying to maintain these daily rituals from a time management book with everything else that’s going on in my life. So yeah, it’s been crazy to say the least.* Just the other day when I thought I was on a roll of good days… BAM! I’m doing my meditation in the shower and I just broke down and started crying. I wasn’t just crying, I mean sobbing in the shower apologizing to my ex for being the way I was. This 30-day morning meditation is no joke and is very powerful. But on top of all that I’ve been keeping a journal of affirmations and other things that have come my way. My buddy Chris sent me a photo of this colorful paper that had six powerful “sentence starters” and your job is to finish them.* At first when I saw these I felt a ton of resistance because writing things down in an actual journal and not on a file on a computer isn’t my thing. Especially when it’s crazy personal. But, it’s been helping me a lot with what’s going on lately. Even the positive affirmations I’ve been bangin’ out are helping me and clearing my brain.* If you’ve ever gone through a breakup you know you find ways to try and “coat” it. Whether it’s food, drinking, overworking yourself at your job… whatever it is, I’m sure you’ve done it some way, some how.* I myself do it with a ton of things but this time I’m attacking it a bit differently as you’ve been reading about. I’ve found a few more things to help me along with this grueling process and I’m going to share them with you. You don’t need to cover your true feelings and emotions with other crap because once you’ve coated your emotions and feelings they do what? Come right back to you… they never left. So dealing with them head on to get the process over faster is the best way to do it.* How My Day Goes for Dealing with my Breakup If you remember from from earlier I was doing a 30-minute morning meditation but I’ve made it 20 minutes because the first part where I take in all the anger, anxiety and picture my ex having sex with her new man was getting to me so much since I have a very crazy imagination so I switched it up a bit.* In the morning I do a 20-minute meditation that’s broken down into two 10 minutes sections… The first ten minutes I send my ex and her new man nothing but love. I picture her smiling her big happy smile that I’ve seen so many times while staring right into her new guys eyes. I picture them holding hands on romantic dates just having a super happy time. I even picture a heart around them while I picture all this. I also repeat over and over, “She wants to be happy.”* After 10 minutes of that I reward myself and give myself a pat on the back for doing what I’m doing for allowing myself to feel the emotions, anger and the millions other feelings I'm having and for sending them nothing but love. I also look for things that I've learned from this situation and what I can take from it. That’s my morning… Later on in the day no matter where I’m at I start writing affirmations. When I mean no matter where I’m at I mean it. Whether I’m at a friends house, a friends work or I’m driving, I do them. No, I don’t write while driving, I pull over to the closest parking lot and bust them out. Here are a few things I write. I write down things that I want, how I want to feel, how I want to be in my next relationship, what I want in my next relationship and I also write positive things about my ex being happy. It sounds crazy and it is hard, especially when it has to do with her and her new man… but once I’m done I feel relieved. It eases the brain a bit some days and a ton on others.* Now here’s the “Spiritual Healing” paper I fill out… you can write it about ANYTHING. This thing is very powerful. I even feel resistance rereading what I’ve written because it can be hard reading your straight feelings back to yourself.* When you write this down in your journal start with one and just write, don’t try and space it out and then write a new one because you may write more than you intended to.* Here’s how it goes… What I resent is… What I regret is… What I fondly remember is… You still owe me… I still owe you… (Make a statement of goodbye) Crazy right? The first day I did it I wrote one to my ex… the second time I wrote one to myself, but like I said you can do this for ANYTHING.* It’s powerful.* Another key thing to all of this is having an accountability partner. A few weeks into all this work, I was talking to a close friend of mine and asked him, “Yo, can you be my accountability partner?” He just laughed and was like, “I think I already am.” LOL!* Have someone there harping at you to do the work. It sounds way easier then it is but when you start getting down and dirty and really raw with yourself it’s going to get rough, so having a buddy or friend to keep on you about it helps. Also, TALK… Don’t hold anything back when you talk to them either, get that stuff OUT.* Even if it feels retarded or weird or you feel like you’ve already talked their ear off the day before… talk.* Does She Think of Me? (30-Day Meditation DONE!) Do I cross her mind? Has she thought of me at all? What would happen if she saw me out in public, would she want to talk to me? Would it make her miss me more or even at all? Is she in love? What’s she doing for her birthday? What did she do for her birthday? What did her new man get her? Has she thought about contacting me since the breakup? Should I just look at her social media and find out? Those are just a few of the things that I have been thinking during this past week or so while doing this meditation. Has the work I’ve been doing and the meditation helped me? Yes. It has helped me tremendously. The positive affirmations that I write out help a lot as well. Everything that my friends have sent me and told me that would help, not only helped, but worked and made my days a lot easier. Why did it help? Because I did the work… Was it easy? Of course not, some days I’d be fine and others I’d break down crying and not on some bitch ****, like consciously aware of the wrong I did and being the way I was type of crying. One day my friend and I were talking and he asked me, “What do you miss about her?” I rambled off a list of things and he said, “Jarod, that’s all the things you’re not giving yourself!” I shattered. I asked if I could call him back and I sat in my car crying. My accountability partner has been great, that’s exactly why I recommend you get one if you’re going to do this. They keep you on point. 30 days of doing anything every day isn’t easy so being able to sit there and do this morning meditation and other random work wasn’t the best treat while doing it. But like my friend keeps telling me, “Your future self is thanking you right now.” I did lose my appetite due to depression but I have been getting it back and have been eating a lot more lately. Going from eating five times a day to barely being able to grub on a banana is terrible. Only positive that came from that was I lost my fast food belly, lol. Do I miss her? Of course… Do I wish I didn’t lose her? Yes. I wish I stuck to my guns about barely hanging out with her while I went through the seminars and the mental process but I hung out with her daily so she saw the good, the bad and the very ugly… which is why I tried setting those boundaries but what can you do after it’s all said and done? Anyways… With all honesty I do want her to be happy so if she’s head over heels for her new man, good. She deserves it. I let her down just like every other guy in her life so hopefully this new guy doesn’t do the same. Now back to our regularly schedule program… MY DATING LIFE! I threw up a new online dating profile a few weeks ago at my buddy’s house. At the time it felt forced. I wasn’t into it. I got as far as uploading some pictures and that was it. I didn’t really start sending out messages until last week and even then I was half-assing it. But… there’s always a but with me, huh?! LOL! Over the course of a few days I got a few numbers and I’ve been gaming a couple of chicks. The first number I got was this single mom… I was gaming her through text but I could tell my calibration was way off. I could just tell while I was talking to her that I wasn’t being “me.” I let that one go after a couple of days of texting. I didn’t have it in me to continue gaming her to get the date. Next number I got was from a girl I guess I gamed a few years ago? I sent her my message, she responded asking my name and when I told her she said, “We already exchanged numbers.” I got her number again and started to do my thing and found out she’s a single mom, lol. Her banter wasn’t up to speed with where I wanted it, I like ‘em witty so after that I just stopped contacting this one. Last week while I was eating at Denny’s waiting for my boy Steve aka Sexual Chocolate to get home so we could do my interview for the Ultimate Pick-Up Artist Convention I was on my phone gaming chicks on OkCupid to help kill the time… got a number of this really cute Mexican chick with dimples. She likes dancing, she’s a physical trainer and… has two kids! Dun, dun, dun! What’s up with me and single moms?! I set up the date with this one really fast to go clubbing, but after a few days of communication and HOW she was communicating there was something that was… off. She only texts at weird hours, or responds later on in the day… I’m thinking lonely housewife that’s cheating, straight up. This is something I’d probably throw on the slow burner and get at her whenever she was available so I could do my thing but eh… not worth my energy right now. She’s text me a few times over the past few days and I’ve just left her hanging. This other number I got was from a High School English teacher. Witty as all hell online and over text messaging but once we got on the phone… SLEEP CENTRAL! I was nodding off in my car, lol. My buddy called while I was talking to her and I just left her hanging. Didn’t even call her back. NEXT!!! One chick looked at my profile and didn’t write… when I looked at her pics I saw she was a lil cutie so I hit her up letting her know how rude she was, which ended up in some good banter and of course me getting her number. She asked, “Are you Mexican? ‘Cause I’m only into white boys.” I like Mexican chicks, especially when they like white guys, YA KNOW?! Was texting back and forth with her, even chatted with her on the phone but wasn’t really feelin’ her. Let her go… not in the mood to continue gaming her. I know, I know what’s wrong with me, right? Trust me, if I was in full dating mode I’d be all over these chicks. I’m patient and persistent as a mutha****a but right now it’s not in me. Now onto the girl I’ve been chilling with this week. Met her a while ago on OkCupid. Hispanic chick, tattoos, crazy hair and super girly just like I like ‘em. Last week I did the whole “date night” thing… did a movie, went out for food after and then went bar hopping in my stomping grounds because it was only 11:30 by the time we were done eating, so we went out. Hung out with her again a few days ago for her older sisters b-day party. Got off work and bounced straight to LA and man, her sisters are off the hook, personality AND looks. Definitely a fun group to hang out with for sure. So that’s where I’m at right now with my ish… I’m slowly but surely getting’ back into the swing of things after my breakup and will mos def keep you posted if anything “interesting” pops off. Jarod’s slowly but surely getting back into the swing of things, lol. How have you dealt with your breakups?
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