Toyoguy67 Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 Is there any hope a relationship can last if you have zero respect for the woman's son? I have been seeing this slightly older woman for about 6 months. I am 48 she is 58 but absolutely stunning. She has 1 son who is 37 who is really kind of a loser. He is an only child so I take he has gotten lots of support and handouts from his Mom and Dad over the years. She has been divorced from his Dad for over 20 years. I am divorced and have 2 sons 18 and 20, both in college. Her son is a deadbeat Dad to his 2 kids and it pisses me off he has totally dumped his 2 boys and has not seen them in 5 or 6 years. He moved out of state (OH) after his divorce and since then had paid no role in their lives. He pays court ordered support but cannot get over how a man dumps his kids. They are teens now but were young when he left. I asked him why he hasn't seen his kids and its always an excuse..no money...he doesn't like their mom, whatever. He goes from job to job but his grandfather died and left him some money. He went on a long vacation a few months ago, to the Midwest 1 state over from where his kids are. He managed to do all sorts of activities, go to a Packers game, is on the wait list for Packers season tickets, bought Packers stock (he posts all this on his FB) but made no effort to see his kids. When he got back from vacation, he had to mooch $100 off his mom to replace a tire on his truck that was flat. He spent all of his money. I volunteer with a fathers rights group and often help men assert their rights as fathers. I help them with court paperwork and give them guidance in separating from the mothers and help ensure they maintain a presence in their kids lives. It pisses me off this idiot doesn't give a ****. He is 37 and since I have been dating his mother he has come to her a couple times for money so the inheritance he got did not last he managed to blow through it in 2 weeks and then comes back and hits mom up for money and doesn't even bother to see his kids. I am trying not to let this guy bother me but if I continue to see his mother, he inevitably is going to be around. I want to tell him what a loser he is for not seeing his kids. My GF is those kids grandmother and she has mentioned she would love to see her grandkids and misses them but her son will not cooperate in initiating contact or visits with the kids mom. What would you do? End it so you do not go off on the son or stick it out and hope her son eventually just moved out of state and leaves you alone? 1
King Me Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 Her adult son's life is really none of your business. He is not living in her house and you are not going to have to parent him ever. It's on you that you are fretting about his lifestyle and choices instead of enjoying your relationship with this woman. Sounds to me like you have a little trouble with boundaries. 2
Buddhist Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 Depends, if you love the woman you'll bite your tongue, arrange to not be around when he turns up and politely ask her not to talk about her son and his issues because you find it angers you. Sometimes people we love have relations we would rather not have anything to do with. No-one says you have to spend time around him. If you can see letting go of her, then perhaps do that because clearly this is really getting to you and having some kind of show down with the son won't do anything for your relationship with her anyway. 5
SammySammy Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 You have to realize her bond with her son is stronger than her bond with you and probably always will be. To have a successful relationship with her, you're going to have to get control of your feelings about her son. Not let it affect your relationship. Or bow out of the relationship. That's the choice you have to make. 8
katiegrl Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 (edited) He is 37 and since I have been dating his mother he has come to her a couple times for money so the inheritance he got did not last he managed to blow through it in 2 weeks and then comes back and hits mom up for money and doesn't even bother to see his kids. Re bolded, how do you feel about her continuing to give him money? That may be the bigger issue, and perhaps your anger at him is misplaced? I know for me, if my bf (if I had one I am single right now) was to continue giving money to his deadbeat son, I think I would lose respect for him. For allowing his son to mooch off him and not imposing stronger boundaries. He is her son... she needs to be the one who gets pissed off, impose stronger boundaries... and who stops allowing him to walk all over her.... NOT you. Something to consider? Edited June 2, 2016 by katiegrl 3
Author Toyoguy67 Posted June 2, 2016 Author Posted June 2, 2016 The money is a small part of it. The fact he is a terrible father and un-involved with his kids is the biggest issue for me. Any man who walks away from his kids and makes no attempt to see them is a POS. No respect for sperm donors like him. How can I like someone I don't respect? 2
SammySammy Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 None of that is any of your business. You're making his personal choices about you ... and it's not about you. Whether you respect or like him is of no consequence. It doesn't matter to anybody but you. It's easy to feel morally superior to someone. We all fall short in life. His shortcomings are blatant, but remember that old saying "there, but for the grace of God, go I". Be humble. Because, tomorrow, that scorned and despised person could easily be me or you. Let it go. For your sake and the sake of your relationship. 4
Popsicle Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 Unless you plan to marry her, I would stay out of it. 1
joseb Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 The money is a small part of it. The fact he is a terrible father and un-involved with his kids is the biggest issue for me. Any man who walks away from his kids and makes no attempt to see them is a POS. No respect for sperm donors like him. How can I like someone I don't respect? You don't have to. There are billions of people on this planet, I'm sure there are many more millions you would dislike more than him. Sure, he isn't a great father, not even a good one. But there are worse crimes on earth. It's not as if you have to live in the same house with him. He is almost irrelevant to your life.... unless, it's like Katie suggests, and your anger is misplaced and your gripe is more with his mother and why she puts up with him. 2
Satu Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 If you let people get under your skin like this, you're going to spend a lot of your time scratching. Is it worth it?
Emilia Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 When I feel so judgemental about someone and I have trouble letting it go, I try to understand myself OP and see what it is that makes me feel that way. I think this is a great lesson for you to learn a bit of humility and put away those self-righteous values, otherwise you will lose your woman. It would be very silly to allow that to happen. 1
Space Ritual Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 The money is a small part of it. The fact he is a terrible father and un-involved with his kids is the biggest issue for me. Any man who walks away from his kids and makes no attempt to see them is a POS. No respect for sperm donors like him. How can I like someone I don't respect? You need to get over yourself. You are not his parent and he does not owe you anything. If I were you I'd be careful when spouting your opinions about this guy to your girlfriend. Blood is always thicker than water and for all you know you may lose your relationship. Apart from that, I would not be surprised if this guy went upside your head if you start with that self righteous attitude to him. Being uppity and knocked out on your ass is not a good position to find yourself in, so stay out of it. 1
Space Ritual Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 IHe managed to do all sorts of activities, go to a Packers game, is on the wait list for Packers season tickets, bought Packers stock (he posts all this on his FB) but made no effort to see his kids. When he got back from vacation, he had to mooch $100 off his mom to replace a tire on his truck that was flat. He spent all of his money. well if it makes you feel any better..... The season ticket waiting list has more than 81,000 names. The Packers tell fans adding their names that the average wait for season tickets is 30 years. 4
Lois_Griffin Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 Her adult son's life is really none of your business. He is not living in her house ..... Lol...YET. Loser boy wasn't raised to be responsible and your girlfriend sounds like so many of these fools who over-indulge their rotten kids well into their 30's and 40's. They think they're such great parents but all they've done is raise self-entitled monsters who don't possess the ability to grow up and think the world owes them something. I know a few women and men who've done exactly this - and the result is over-indulged adult children who still can't wipe their own asses and expect mommy and/or daddy to bail them out every time they screw up - which is all the time. This guy will always be a loser. I hope she's not so ignorant that she can't see that a big part of that is HER doing. And the fact that she's STILL bailing his worthless ass out just means it's always going to be this way. Good luck with that. 1
Lois_Griffin Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 The money is a small part of it. The fact he is a terrible father and un-involved with his kids is the biggest issue for me. Any man who walks away from his kids and makes no attempt to see them is a POS. No respect for sperm donors like him. How can I like someone I don't respect? He's a POS in a lot of respects, not just the father thing. You don't have to like him nor do you have to respect him. But he'll always be sucking off his mother and expecting her to bail him out. She's a 58 year old woman whose STILL a 'package' deal at almost 60 years old - it's her and her 37 year old loser son. I'd be turning that package DOWN. 1
Gaeta Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 If I were you I would not pursue with this woman. In not so long her son will come over to steal in her purse (if not already), he'll sell her jewelry and valuable. Later down the road if she gets sick and you need his help he won't be there. You'll take care of her for the next 20 years and she'll put everything to her son's name still. 1
todreaminblue Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 when i moved out of home my step dad took on that you have your own life now attitude......and he resented my presence ......he resented my mother writing letters to me....used to say to her....writing your love letters hey.... mum tried to sneak letters and phone calls to me.......would save up her change and ring me from a public phone box..... speaking from a personal experience......family is family...you cant shove them away even when they are not who you particularly want to know.....the lady you are dating is a mother...not temporarily but for life......seeing you have kids yourself...how would you feel if she took a dislike to one of your own... maybe you should try to find the good in him if you really care about her...find something you can relate to him about.....or on....and be a bit more understanding..find common ground..a hobby or past time maybe....or encourage him to find work.....by helping him out a bit..keep a look out or ear open for jobs he might be able to handle.......not the whole nine yards...but just a little effort on your behalf.....maybe you might not loathe him then......... some times it does take effort to like people..some people are harder work to like........i can say its worth it in the long run...it builds compassion and understanding....i have at times wanted to tie people to ceiling fans and hit fast.......but...i never do.....i just try a little harder....... if you cant try and put some effort into this...then i would suggest you walk away...because you see him as a loser and that is going to cause major problems in a relationship with her....single mums are still package deals...whether there family is grown or not....it woudl eb easier for you to walk it..... theres this quote by a really wise man who said...."May we ever choose the harder right, instead of the easier wrong," ...what is right for you or what is wrong for you....is really....all in you...leave or stay...either way...you yourself have to change..you cant change others to suit you....but you can help them...good luck....deb
Cherryz Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 No offense but he is old you are old she is old. You guys are no kids. It sound weird someone comes in your life for 6 months and already think he have any right to say anything about you specially if the person is not even your dad or gf. With 6 months you are kind of just a guest/stranger in this family. And just mothers bf. I understand because of your work it annoys you. But as i read this son have done nothing to you personally. You just hate him because of his lifestyle and him not being in his kids life. If you really like this women , and choose to stay, you should know her son will not go anywhere. Its blood! So you need to learn how to deal with the situation. Even thou there is none directly. If you that caring why wouldn't you much more try to get to know the son and based on a real friendship at some point give him few tips or have this conversation with him. Not trying to be his dad or school him. But just on a caring way. And since you have this much knowledge about this it can only be a amazing thing for you to share about your work with him. Leave the judging part aside. And enjoy your women. Because you just entered the family and you cant be already hating and schooling people and stuff. Beside you dont know him and whats going on with him. Since he ddnt do you wrong personally you should be more of the get to know attitude. Leave the judging for when you really know atleast. ANd i dont understand if your gf really want to see the kids she would have contact the mother long ago already. That the son dont want shouldn't be her concern as a grandma. Or at least have contact on birthdays and holidays.
katiegrl Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 (edited) You don't have to. There are billions of people on this planet, I'm sure there are many more millions you would dislike more than him. Sure, he isn't a great father, not even a good one. But there are worse crimes on earth. It's not as if you have to live in the same house with him. He is almost irrelevant to your life.... ------ **unless, it's like Katie suggests, and your anger is misplaced and your gripe is more with his mother and why she puts up with him. She also raised him so the person he is today is, at least in part, due to how he was raised. By his mom, your gf. Values, morals, etc. But yet you hold *her* in high regard, but him of POS. Something's not jiving here...... and I am convinced your anger is misplaced. OP, this would all be subconscious ...... so dig deeper into yourself and try and determine who and what you are really angry at at about. Cause your anger at her son makes no sense imo. He is a grown man, just don't interact with him. He is irrelevant in your life ..... Edited June 2, 2016 by katiegrl
Gaeta Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 (edited) He is irrelevant in your life ..... I don't think so. He is her son and they have a relationship together. OP will hear his girlfriend from time to time say things like * Junior called for money * I hate I can't see my grand-kids * Junior wants to borrow my car for a week and so on. If her and her son have a relationship it is relevant. I have an adult daughter of soon 29. Lucky me my daughter is an independent reliable adult but if she has any type of problems she comes to me for advice and I feel very involved and anyone I am involved with, my boyfriend directly or indirectly is involved. Edited June 2, 2016 by Gaeta
Gaeta Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 My GF is those kids grandmother and she has mentioned she would love to see her grandkids and misses them but her son will not cooperate in initiating contact or visits with the kids mom. Your girlfriend does not need her son to have access to her grand-kids, she just needs to get a lawyer. Grand-parents have visiting rights. Does she really want a relationship with her grand-children or it's just a sentence she says. Maybe if you continue dating her you'll discover that apples usually don't fall far from the tree. 3
DreamP Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 You need to think about a few things. 1) where do you see/want this relationship to go? If it is marriage, then your relationship and opinion of the son is very important. I'm sure you know, marriage is not just about 2 people and at your age, you both will have lots of baggage. 2) What is your gf's opinion of her son? If she feels similar to you, then you can commiserate about it together. If she thinks he can do no wrong, then there will always be conflict on this issue. 3) What do you want from this POS? Do you want to help him reform? Do you want him out of your gf's life? Do you want your gf to chance how she deals with her son? Do you just want your gf to acknowledge that he is a POS?
katiegrl Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 Your girlfriend does not need her son to have access to her grand-kids, she just needs to get a lawyer. Grand-parents have visiting rights. Does she really want a relationship with her grand-children or it's just a sentence she says. --- **Maybe if you continue dating her you'll discover that apples usually don't fall far from the tree. ^^This is what I was trying to say.... I could not remember that expression, tnx G. OP may realize it too deep down but doesn't wish to acknowledge cuz then he'd have to do something about it, like moving on, which he obviously doesn't want to do, so blames it all on her deadbeat son.
smackie9 Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 I'm not trying to be rude but I feel you are thinking with the wrong umm... h%^$. Look beyond the candy coated shell and see what's at the center....her son, and her enabling him still at the age of 37. You can never ever get between a woman and her child.....that ain't happening. I agree with lois, this package deal is no deal...if I were you I would return it and find something else.
katiegrl Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 ^^This is what I was trying to say.... I could not remember that expression, tnx G. OP may realize it too deep down but doesn't wish to acknowledge cuz then he'd have to do something about it, like moving on, which he obviously doesn't want to do, so blames it all on her deadbeat son. He is a spoiled mama's boy which SHE allows and may even encourage... What does this say about her? And you for dating her?
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